The Importance of Rest Days

“I am special! I am gorgeous! I am chosen! Yes I know it, and I yes I can light the whole universe! I am different! I have purpose! I am brilliant! Yes I feel it! And I, yes I can light the whole universe!” ~ Vivian Greene, Light the Universe

 

My rest day was necessary.

 

I thought I was supposed to work until there was nothing left for me to do. I spent the majority of my life with this type of work ethic. I always had a love for nice things, and in my younger years I would not step foot in a second hand store. I mean I always had the money to shop online, in the malls. Newbury street, Boston’s version of Michigan Ave. Now I have a little one. Her needs are more important than mine. So I may pay full price, well not full price. I don’t pay full price for hardly anything, but at least her clothing usually is new. You know I can’t resist a bargain, but anyway I digress.

 

Back to this work ethic.

 

I never learned to rest.

The year my mother took her final breath on this earth I was working two full time jobs. eighty hours a week. Many weeks too tired to even call her and check in on her. Being a workaholic is a problem.

 

Even God rested after He saw everything He had made was good. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made. Yes. I see. Maybe in times past there was nothing I felt was good about my life so there was no good in resting, because I needed to keep going to fulfill something that only God could fulfill within me.

 

That must be it.

 

I twiddled my thumbs. I almost squatted. I did a couple of donkey kicks, and then I stopped. I worked for my six days. I began to think it was time for me to rest. Ok. Logistics aside. Regardless to when God rested, and the laws of Moses and when they rested. I just know it was important to me to have a rest day. So I asked God to show me what to do on that day.

 

I talked to newly acquired friends. Put motivating posts on IG. Took before and after pictures. Styled my hair. Read to my daughter. Hugged and tickled her. Read my bible. Talked to God. Got on my face. Basked in His presence. I mean there was so much for me to do on this rest day.

 

“And I never wanna leave this place. So I bask in your presence Lord. Feel your warm embrace. In the place of your presence Lord.” Valencia Lacy, Never Wanna Leave This Place – The Gathering of Worshippers

 

If you know my church’s worship leader then I am sure you are familiar with her song. But I felt that all throughout my spirit. Yes. It was almost to the point of not even stop wanting to resume business as usual. But when I did. My goodness. I did 47 jumping jacks in 40 seconds. Yes Lord! Help me build this body! All the while placing people here in my life to help keep me motivated to reach my goals!

 

So I wake up with a newly found sense of self. It must of been that tme spent with God so I could begin to open my eyes and see myself as He created me.

 

So I hear the Vivian Greene Song. Light the Universe.

 

I often wondered why my mother named me Radiance. I was supposed to be Raven. Then she added Jua’Donna to it. I’m like ridiculous and ghetto growing up. I wished to be something nice and simple easy to pronounce like Tiffany. Literally the first boy I kissed and thought i would marry his sister’s name was Tiffany, and she was so nice. Unlike my big cousins. I wanted to be a Tiffany. Yes that will do.

 

My aunt would tell me the story of how she came home complaining.

“That Radiance. She gets on my nerves, everyday. She makes me so sick” Well my aunt never really did conform to light. I think she became accustomed to darkness so someone named Radiance must have really reminded her of the possibilities of stepping into the light. Or maybe she was a Radiance darkened by life as I once was. Either way, her coming home complaining to my mother instantly changed my name. I was no longer to be called Raven. I was now to be named Radiance.

 

I now begin to forget all the names I was called as a child. Black, too dark, radiation, radar, radon. I was named Radiance. For a reason. I love to love. I love to encourage. I love to speak life to those that are not feeling as if they can make it. I have become so good at encouraging others that I forget how to do it for myself sometimes. However, in my rest day I was allowed to bask in God’s presence and He spoke life to me. He reminded me who I was. Who I am to Him even if I am never anyone to anyone else.

 

Thats a blessing.

 

So now I celebrate. I was raised in a religion that never allowed me to celebrate my birthday as a child. So sometimes it is hard for me to celebrate with my friends. Some inner guilt about how I was conditioned to think about birthdays, but that is really a special day. It is the day that what God formed in the womb came onto this earth to be given the opportunity to become all He designed us to be. So I walk into this season. I am finally happy. I am finally at peace. He has called me to be someone. I am not quite sure who that is just yet, but I begin to celebrate her now, as I have taken the time to do for so many others in my life.


Thank God for rest. It is in His rest that we can truly find who we are meant to be!

IF THERE IS ONE THING I CAN REST ASSURE

Yesterday started as most days do.

 

A praise on my lips. Thank you Lord. For being so awesome etc etc etc.

 

He’s given me these words to describe so much in life. He gave them to me. He knew who I would be. He created me this way. He knew I would give him all the credit. See I was smart enough to be accepted into Lane Tech as a teenager, but I left  that to get a book in the mail every other week and we called that home school. Even though I spent more time at my BFF’s house copying her brothers tests to mail out. I never learned the logistics behind writing and grammar. Words are my strength. They are my gift. They can kill or they can bring life.  Now I am learning that whatever I speak to another can become like a double edged sword as I in times past would undergo the very thing I said they would. So I try my best to bless these days. Its not an easy task to undertake. People take you there, but this is not my battle. I have an army fighting for me. They been rooting for me. I guess it is easy to avoid darkness if you have been in light and you have known where to find light, but I was raised in darkness. Was AFRAID to go into a church the way I was raised, so I had no way to get to my Lord. A fight out of darkness is a serious battle when you have no one around you that is already in the light. I guess He knew. That’s why He made me a fighter. A champion mindset. Like David I had to slay many Goliaths. So I will go for broke but get the win for what He has said is mine. Try me.

 

So. I wake up with a praise on my lips. I begin singing to the top of my lungs not caring who hears, who is awake and who is asleep. “If there is one thing I can rest assure. Things are working for my good. So I stand and sing in this authority. Don’t know when you’ll come. Don’t know how You’ll come, but I know You’ll come, cause You always hear me.”

 A song written by Valencia Lacy. She just so happens to be the worship leader at the church I attend. New Life Covenant Southeast, in Chicago IL.

He always hears me.

 

I used to think it coincidence when I would get almost all the things I wanted. I would tell my friends if I didn’t get it I must not have wanted it bad enough. I mean something so simple as a piece of apple pie. I don’t even like sweets but this week I had been saying to myself I really wanted a piece. When I come home a whole pie is on the table, and has never been in the house before. Okay. Maybe that’s a coincidence. Let me try something bigger. I don’t want to take this two and a half hour trip from Niles, IL to Ashland and 58th. I don’t do the south side and here I am all the way over here for a season. A co-worker begins to take me all the way home even though they live right there on Touhy a couple of miles from the job. Okay. Secret desires of my heart? So Lord. You know I’m tired. I don’t want to get on the bus anymore. Conversation: G: Go out in the garage and take a look at the car out there and see if you like it. Me: A what? G: A car. Me: How much do you want for it? G: *Crazy look* *shakes head* Nothing. Me: *Looking down at the title, the paid registration, and car keys in my hand* *tears*.

 

All those just last year, months after giving Him my life and making the fight to change my life and not hold onto the things I knew were not for me to keep. I had to make some big sacrifices. But I learned to count everything else I lost as rubbish for the fact that I gained Christ.

 

Thank You LORD!!

 

He always hears me.

 

I could have taken the fast track to success early. At seventeen working because school at home is boring for a people loving person like myself, in an unfamiliar town I stand out. Maybe it was the four inch heels I was wearing, fully applied eye and lip make-up standing in the high end of Filene’s Basement. Or maybe as my Pastor always says, it was the oil. The Vice president of Bank of Boston, soon to be Bank of America gave me his card loving my customer service skills telling me he had a position as his PERSONAL ASSISTANT if I was interested.

 

How personal would I have to assist, is all I could think. So I thanked him, put the card in my pocket and held onto it for a keepsake for a time, knowing I would never use it.

 

See money was never the motivator. In 1998 I was depositing over 1400 dollars in a bank account every month. I was a teenager. I paid no bills but my cell phone and pager. It was nothing to me. But I could hear that warning in my head. I chose to listen.

 

Lupe Fiasco said, what constitutes a prostitute is the pursuit of profit. So in a relationship where money is the motivator I would have been a high profiled call girl. He would call me into his office, yeah no. I was still holding onto my priceless jewels. My V card had not been activated, and was in no place ready to start spending and charging what belonged to my husband. That was the mindset. I needed no one but God. I knew bible. I just didn’t know my God the way I do now.

 

Fast forward. I went the places He sent me. A preschool teacher for homeless children? Well Lord I never wanted to be a preschool teacher. I want to be a professor, you gave me this brain to use. And you mean to tell me these children that have witnessed more violence in their young lives than some witness their whole lives would turn on me and now I’m on the sidewalk in a wrestling move to keep a seventy five pound kid from hurting me and the rest of the staff/children. SMH. This is a bit much, but to whom much is given… Ok. My stepping stone? Ok. I do it. I change lives. I love people. One of my students would not come into the classroom until I arrived, her mother looking flustered and thankful that I finally arrived. I was never early. One of my other toddler students who could not rest with any of the other teachers would always fall asleep under my care. His mother just informed me a couple of weeks ago at the age of ten he got the highest scores on all his MCAS. Word! Love to love just to love, because my Father in heaven taught me/ is teaching me still how to love, and love is what opens people up for success.

Ok. Lord now you’re sending me back to Chicago? What, do real dirty work? CNA? Huh? Who you talking to? Radiance? Shine bright like a diamond? *Tilts head* Okay Lord your will be done. That was always the prayer. Let Your will be done. Not mine. How can I know whta is best for me when I don’t even truly know my self? I don’t need to have something that is not for me, and all the hell that will eventually break through as a result of holding onto something God has not designated for me. I know. Firsthand.

 

So I wait. I am patient. Two years ago I wanted my daughter in one preschool.. The only one for us. They said there were no spaces. Well thank God, with her biting, and fighting she would have been kicked out. We had to get her delivered from her father’s behavior before she could go anywhere civilized. Now she is the sweetest child, and guess what? A slot has been opened for my baby. An appointment for her physical is within days. God just opened the door because we prepared and we listened to Him. She is ready.

 

I think about ‘winning’. Is winning holding onto something that God has not designed nor created for you? Trust me. Queens get moved like Vashti and Hadassahs turned Esthers get put in place when God is the God that always wins. There is nothing too big for Him. He is the author and finisher of our faith. Yes chile. I believe. I believe what He shows me, what He tells me, and how He has moved in my life. I have watched my whole life unravel holding onto someone that was not meant for me, and had a bigger purpose on his life. A whole year down the drain, and since I couldnt learn what I needed to learn from him, I had to repeat the class. I passed the next time. It was hard. But I did.

 

So here I am. EHHHHH I aint worried bout nothin’. Words are just that until you have God bring them to life. He is the life giver. He makes seeds grow. So I have learned to make sure that I ask Him what He wants me to do with whatever I have so that I can make sure I am giving honor to Him by doing the right thing by what He gives me. Everything I touch isn’t mine. I have been used to help prepare many people for their next leg of life, so I listen. Some of the time, I guess enough of the time. I guess that is pretty valuable to him.

 

Obedience is better than sacrifice.

 

So if there is one thing I can rest assure….

 

Yep. Just. Like. That!

 

Light Always blinds those coming out of darkness

So someone frowned at my baby yesterday. I cannot get the image out of my head. It haunts me like a broken melody. I am deeply disturbed by it.

When I say I see people. I do. Sometimes I see them before I even meet them, and wonder what it is God is showing me until He reveals it later.

So the person that frowned at my daughter I saw her. Well I saw the effects she is soon going to have on a person, before I even knew she existed.

She frowned at my baby though.

Unrighteousness has a way of having a hard time hiding itself around the innocents. The babies, the children.

That’s why I have used my daughter to choose my friends. If she connects with them, I know they are good for my spirit. If she doesn’t, well I know she sees people the same way I do.

So while this person is scrunching their nose up at my baby the person making the introductions could not see her reaction because as usual he was engaging my daughter.

They say love is blind.

Maybe not love, but definitely lust.

I begin to think of all the possibilities an overgrown woman would frown at a child.

Could it be the brightness of my daughters skin? To some brown people that have been taught to hate them selves for the color of their skin and haven’t quite gotten over their own teasings as a child for the names I remember all too well and know didn’t end or begin with me, her yellow skin is a  reminder of how other people never thought them good enough.

When I watched her coming out I wondered how I would raise my daughter to focus on being good, and not pretty as many people are apt to tell her she is. I wondered if I would ever catch that ‘jealous of my own child’ syndrome that so many women I knew had so they would in turn allow their girls to overeat to cover a coming shape, or never buy them clothes as good as the ones they wore, or comb their heads while their own went flawless.

I prayed that would never overtake me.

I was assured after praying that if I constantly remember how my mother raised me to love myself even when others were calling me too dark and too black and saying I wasn’t as pretty as my mother was. She constantly reminded me that I was beautiful. She wanted my skin color, it was an object of strong desire. My exotic almond shaped eyes were everything in comparison to her ordinary and average ones is what she would say. She reminded me everytime I came to her with doubts how special I truly was.

So I undertake my task with my daughter with vigor. I love her with everything I have, so to see another woman frowning at her shakes me up. I mean rattles me. I mean reminds me that I have only been saved for a year now. Old ‘Rae-Rae’ dying for a reason to come back to life. Its almost summer time too. Her season.

Nah chile. Hush yo mouth. Sit still and wait on the Lord. He is faithful.

Ahhh then a revelation hit me. Maybe that frown had nothing to do with my daughter at all.  Maybe it was a reminder that she has no children and the one that introduced her does have a daughter. She has to think about the possibility of whenever, if ever, she and he truly takes their relationship up a notch, she is going to have to be a stepmother. Or in the words of Steve Harvey, a mother.

It takes a special woman to love a man’s child the way she loves herself. But then it also takes a woman that loves herself. You always know a woman that loves herself because a picture is worth a thousand words she never really uses her body to get the attention her mind deserves. No back shots. We maintain dignity as ladies presenting ourselves as queens to a king. I know. I spent enough years of my life dips in my shirts low enough to show bras, stomachs, and skirts short enough to almost see under garments. Enough years and too little dignity to cause Kings to take flight and push me out of thrones like Vashti.

Thank you Jesus for change. My baby slowed my whole roll.

So here I think about the situation. A woman that has to take a man’s child on into a relationship. Baby Momma love, no drama, just love. The same woman that is willing to spend half her life savings on a man and not willing to spend a dollar on his baby. Yeah, these are the breaks.

My daughter’s father has a lot of children. A lot of women. A lot of options. She gets her personality mostly from him, he’s a lot of fun, and he practically dances better than Michael did, so life of the party is an understatement. He is the party. If he were a box he would be a party in a box.

One year one of his many girlfriends took him across the world, well to Atlanta. She allowed him to live in her condo, drive her spare car. They were living it up. I just couldn’t understand how she could do so much for him know he had children and not see what those children needed as well. Because when you love a man you love every part of him even the ones that came before you did. So how quickly I sat with foot in my mouth when she opened her doors for them on my baby’s second Christmas and my child got a chance to spend time with her brother and sister and came home bearing gifts. That’s what I’m talking about. A baby momma’s girlfriend. If you with the man, you with the children too.

I didn’t have to like the momma’s when he and I first got together, I didnt need to know them. When he was in my life, I didn’t do for his children because I didn’t do for him. He helped me buy my car, paid my notes, sound systems, TV’s in the dash, and hanging from the ceiling of the car. Really dude, this is a bit much, but thanks. Let me get treated. Everything that glitters ain’t gold, but lets focus on his positive traits for today.

However, I couldn’t see children because I had none myself. Until mine came. Then I was on him about making sure he spent time with his children when they came into the city.

So here I am wondering how does a woman do for a man without doing for his children. Easy. It is when a woman has failed to come to know love in the way that Jesus outlined love. Not looking for one’s own interests has a person looking outside the box of material things to the things that will impact the other person’s heart. The things that will help build them up. But if love has always been based on things, then a person will only know how to love based on their experiences.

So I guess my assignment for my daughter is much bigger than even I can imagine. I have to teach her to love in ways that I am just now learning how to. Love with no desire of return. Love just to love. Love without fail. Understanding that in our imperfection we make mistakes but we pull it in eventually. So still love. But most importantly, never let anyone feel bad about what you have that they don’t or what you don’t have that they do. Her love may go outside the box or normalcy. It may have to. Jesus’ love did.

All I know is to all my baby’s mommas’ girlfriends or especially these stepmothers turned mothers to children they never birthed I give a sincere thank you. It is you who is building up the world teaching us as women how to love based on the principle not what is measured back to us in return by the things you can see. It is all of you that keeps our family system built up and not torn apart creating distance between people that need each other. Daughters need fathers, as do sons. So to the women that help build instead of destroy I raise a glass of cool crisp detox water to you. The more we flush out self hatred, the more we learn to love in a real way. Then maybe grown women won’t frown at little girls, because they have learned in their own insecurities to keep their noses turned up at other women.

Although my daughters father loves a woman that is not a baby’s momma girlfriend once again. I pray that one day he will find someone that teaches him the importance of standing as a man bearing the weight of his responsibilities, and teaches him to fish instead of always supplying his needs and keeping his table full.

It takes a real woman to do that. And until you are really really real with yourself, who you are and what you truly believe in by finding yourself before you try and lure a man  with your flesh enticing his flesh then we can’t talk building up communities. Because until that happens it is really going to always be that. Just talk.

Idle conversation of a perverse mind pretending to be the allure and light transforming themselves as our great enemy does, into angels of light. It’s almost like pig on pig reenactments, throwing pearls to swine.

Blinders.

So maybe truly it wasn’t any of the above reasons why my baby was frowned at. Maybe it was seeing her bright light, the light being shined on darkness and that squint one makes when the light hits them after being in darkness for so long. Whooo. There it is. That is much better. I feel better. I was mistaken, she wasn’t frowning. She was just adjusting to my daughter’s light.

Now that’s an explanation I can accept.

 

 

 

Stretching. Vital to my Exercise regimen, but more importantly vital to my life cycle

So last week I decided to walk to and from the store.

Awesomeness.

It was like a two mile trip with the walking around the store adding half a mile to my it.

Oh yeah. Fitness is awesome.

On my way home I decide to stop and let the little one go to the park. She tells me before we get there that she is no longer a baby and she does not need the baby swing, so she will be swinging on the big girl swing.

Awesome. I can’t pick my big girl uplike I could have last year with this disc bulging out my spine the way it is. I am used to taking herbs and all my herbalists live in Boston so there is no one to talk to about natural pain relief so the naproxen and norcos are rarely used. I just work through it. My body is strong. I can do it.

So when we get to the park its a different story. She needs to be lifted into a baby swing. What?!? I thought you were a big girl.

I hear my body screaming DON’T DO IT!

I love to live in disobedience. I will be delivered from disobedience this year. But anyway I did it.

I felt the pull in my back before she got up there good, yet I kept on going.

What is wrong with me?

I had fully pulled my back by the time she was down on the ground again and I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I felt like I did all over again when the vehicle smashed into me from behind last year. No, Lord. Not this again. I don’t even want to be treated for what is wrong with me now. Please don’t make me have to go through something else too.

So I go home.

I ask God what would be helpful to me. All of a sudden foam roller pops up into my mind. Great. I might invest. Until I look online and see that they are costing upwards of fifteen dollars. Then they are online so then I am going to have to wait until it gets shipped to me. I don’t have that kind of time. I am on a budget, that I have trouble adhering to and I am on week three of this fitness challenge. I want to move and go as far as I can in the challenge.

I mean why is it EVERYTIME I start a fitness regimen my body attacks me. See when the car hit my work vehicle last year I was putting in major work at the gym. Like four hours a day, at bootcamp, my werk class, some zumba and as always over an hour on the treadmill at incline fifteen. This was everyday. Every other day for bootcamp, but everything else was everyday. I know what my goals are and what it takes to get there requires major work. I’ve been a little lazy in my lifetime, but never towards the things I want. So here I am and I am like no, Lord, not again.

Please Lord, give me what I need to help this new injury heal. I am just getting used to exercising with this old one.

So I go to the mall the next day with my sister. She points out the five and below store. Oh yeah. When I go in there what do I find? Yes, a foam roller. Are you serious? FOR FIVE BUCKS!!!! Yes. Thank you Lord. You always hear me and you take such good care of me. He encouraged me to bring my sister with me, and she heard him say take Radiance into this store. Well maybe it didn’t go like that but I know He is constantly working in our lives so I knew it was him giving me what I needed to help my body heal.

I go home. I stretch. I roll. I stretch and roll some more. I probably would have had better results had I applied heat. But I took three days off from my rigorous routines you know all that Shaun T madness, just to do a few things that I have designed for myself. In the middle of those things I stretch.

Yesterday after I get home from church I feel nothing. I feel as if I never pulled anything. I mean from barely able to walk to feeling no strain, pull, or anything close to it. God is good.

The experts have their ideas on stretching and not stretching. I have my own. Listen to your body, and stretch after workouts. It helps the muscles stay flexible and are more prone to those lean muscles instead of the bulky contracted one. Experts say stretching lengthens a muscle 1.6 inches past its resting state. Awesome.

There is a difference in stretching. There is dynamic stretching that is not held for longer than two seconds and static stretching that is held for thirty to sixty seconds. They say dynamic stretching gets one prepared for the exercise in question, but static stretching can actually damage the muscle.

I mean listen to your body. I did the static stretch for my injury, but I have a working knowledge of Anatomy and Physiology to figure out what is connected to what. Thank God he moved me to take Anatomy & Physiology I and II. I don’t think it was in the plan to take them at the same time. But hey I will take the A and the B+ I was given that semester.

So I stretch. I stretch my pains and roll the aches out of my body. I am grateful. I truly do always have what I need to reach the success that has been outlined for me. All I need to do is pay attention, and take heed by listening and being open to hearing what it is I am supposed to hear.

I am forever grateful that I am being Streeeetttccchhhhhed. I want these heights. A life without limits sounds like a life worth living.

 

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Praying for my enemies is how I learned to forgive

Proverbs 24:17 take me away today. Lord please show me how to have compassion for the ones that have hurt me. The people that have done the most in life to try to hurt me and others are falling, and I do not want to say that is what you get. The things I speak is of my heart, and I want a renewed and clean heart.

Someone was heavy on my spirit so I go on IG to check out their situation. Their house has burned down. I don’t go onto that account on IG too often or I would have saw the picture in my feed. I am empathetic. I know how it is to be displaced. Sympathy is altogether something else.

I woke up this morning, and I felt moved to read the first ten chapters of Joshua. What stands out to me most are the verses reminding me to stand strong and courageous. I am about to go into the most invigorating season of my life, and I am going to have to be strong. I am going to have to be courageous. I am encouraged.

I am given a measure of renewed faith when I read chapter five verse nine, when the Lord tells Joshua that he has rolled away the repraoach of Egypt. Yes, I serve a God that will not only deliver me from my Egypt but will removed the guilt and shame that comes along with it.

Praise God!

So as I continue reading I scroll past chapter seven verse eleven. I don’t know what makes me highlight the verse. “Isreal has sinned, they have violated my covenant…they have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen, they have lied, they have put them with their own possessions.

I just thought it was an interesting verse showing how our actions leave us open to God’s reproof and His discipline and how important it is for me to stay on track in all things. I cannot change who I used to be, but I can be the new creature in Christ He has called me to be.

So I’m meditating on the word before I get up to prepare myself for the day, you know food preparation and exercise. The life of being in rest. However, she pops into my head so I check and find that tragedy has befallen her family again.

I thought back to the summer my daughters grandmother told me the woman that did everything she could to break my relationship with my child’s father up house had burned down. Oh I whooped hollered and laughed. Thats what she gets I thought. Unfortunately for me I hadn’t been saved and redeemed by the blood of Jesus. I didn’t realize that the anger of the Lord would turn away from those that do wrong when I rejoice over their downfalls. I knew that woman was a woman who did things that were not pleasing to God, I mean the type of things that were strictly forbidden. However it was not my place to rejoice over her downfall.

So here I am  years later same situation. Only difference is this woman was my best friend at one time in my life. I have known her since I was a preteen and she did more hurtful things than I would rather recount.

I immediately think about the scripture I have literally read less than thirty minutes ago about those having stolen and lied.

We were deep in our friendship after my mother died. She informed me my family didn’t care about me, and whenever they called I should ignore their phone calls. They only wanted money. Yet she was happy to get a pair of shoes from Bakers when I went and got me a pair. She was always asking me for a five hundred dollar loan. Loans that never got paid back even after her business went viral and went to another level. Its alright. Material things are nothing. The thing that hurt me the most was my family. See while I was busy listening to her caught in my grief about my family she was preparing to turn them against me with lies to my favorite cousin in the coming years. Low blows hit hard, catch me off guard unable to take a breath.

That wasn’t all of it. While we were in our friendship she explained to me how her she and her husband had come to get their near million dollar house. Well she worked in a refinancing organization which gave her access to the accounts of the people. She would then research and find an older person who was not going to be quick to check their accounts, and when she found an account that didn’t too much call in to check on anything, or was maybe too old to do so she would take an additional loan out for the person, have the check sent to the office and send her husband to get someone to cash it.

That someone was the wife he was hiding from her before he married her. The same woman she forced him to divorce to break his covenant with God so not only was she stealing from the older people, she was using manipulation and her daughter as a pawn to keep this man from keeping his word to God. She made sure to let him know he would not be able to see his youngest child if he stayed in his marriage. She wanted to live in that million dollar home that she helped him get through their scandalous embezzlement of funds.

I would see them riding around in expensive cars, and living in that home and wonder how could that be possible. Where was God in the situation? I couldnt worry about that. I needed to stay on task and be focused. I had to meditate on Proverbs 24:21. I had to fear God and not get into someone elses rebellious behavior.

Last year I emailed her a long letter about how thankful I was to receive the mercy and grace of our Savior. I let her know that He is not who we were raised to believe he was, and this is real life. He’s real and He’s alive. He’s not an angel. He’s sitting on the right hand of God the Son of God. I get no response I am not expecting one. I just need to fulfill an assignment.

I can’t help but thank God for bringing me out of my mess. So I pray that He opens her heart to the same thing. All I know is learning God’s mercy for myself shows and teaches me how to be merciful to others. Forgive them father for they know not what they do, and sometimes God will allow us to go through the darkest seasons of our lives just so He can prove to be our light. Its His way of calling us out of the darkness.

So pray for our dear sister in the faith. She just doesn’t know who she is yet. She does not know who she has been called to be, but her testimony is made of the types of things that breaks real chains. She is not who they say she is. She made poor decisions as we all have in our imperfection, just some cause more serious consequences than others.

At the end of the day I am thankful for growth. I know God in a real way now, and I know that everything that glitters isn’t gold.

I know that material things neither make nor break me. So I go to the car wash and wash my car Yes its a much older car, but it runs an now it is very clean. In those zero below days my car was starting right up and I only had one day where it did not. Praise God I was coming out of bible study and there was someone there to help me, so God is always taking care of my needs. So I clean my car like its a seven fifty beamer and thank God that He allowed someone to put the car keys and a title in my hand for no other reason than I prayed and asked God to help me get a car. When I asked the person who gave me the car if they wanted anything in return they just looked at me like I was speaking Spanish and shook their head. Thank you Lord. You always hear me. You always take care of me.

I have learned that people can have everything in the world and still be miserable. Or like myself, have very little but my peace of God and my joy is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. I have so much and didn’t even realize it until today when I saw someone that has so much but stays so miserable.

Well God works out everything in due timing. So I stay prayed up and faithful in this walk knowing that He is faithful. He will neither leave me nor forsake me, and when I give thought to why those that do evil things get away with their actions that’s not my assignment to worry about others. My job is to keep my eyes stayed on God, knowing that His will shall be done.

Patience is the key. I believe God that it will unlock every door that He has a table prepared behind for me. Its never been easy. But it has definitely been oh so worth it.

So I continue to pray for those that have hurt me. Hurt people hurt people. That has always been one of my favorite sayings. I never knew there was a second part to that until I saw on someone’s page healed people heal people. I guess that’s why everything came against my healing, because those that have hurt me the most need the most prayer, and if I am hurting focusing on my own pain then the last thing I am doing is praying for them. Thank God for healing, for change and revelation. I continually hope that God will move the things out the way that have hurt them the most. And I am thankful for them. They have truly helped me learn how to forgive.

To Lash or Not to Lash. My beauty question of the day.

To lash or not to lash.

So my pastor preached one Sunday and I heard him say being sanctified means being set apart. It doesn’t mean we don’t wear make-up. We just are set apart as light in the midst of darkness.

Ahhh there it is.

I’ve been doing this natural faced thing afraid to be me, not sure if it was okay. I mean controlling my flesh was never an easy task so the less attention the better. Thanks.

Coming into this new relationship with Christ I was so afraid of the person I used to be that I wanted to avoid her at all costs lest that old temperament came out. Lest those old behaviors came back and dominated. Lest any of those old exes tried to come back if they happened to see me. I mean my flesh is WEAK. So I pray for strength and courage daily. You know joshua one. Remind me Lord. I can be strong.

So it was always a process. Standing in front of my mirror for an hour applying each individual lash. It had always been a process creating an invisible part. I changed my hair up every two weeks. I should have had stock invested in the beauty supply store. I spent so much money and time there. I mean it was a fine art to me creating this aesthetic. I loved to put on make-up. I loved to make my presentation of self the best that it could be.

I mean my mother was the ultimate lady.

She started me in lady training early. But I was getting my hair done weekly at the age of twelve as well as my nails. I mean twelve. That seems a bit much. My daughter will be wearing plaits until she is eighteen like the children in one of my best friends’ family. No wonder every child in that family went to an ivy league like Harvard, Brown, MIT etc. They weren’t focused on aesthetics they were focused on building their inner personas first.

So here I am. I had been on a hair fast for the majority of last year. It was as if the Lord was showing me how to love me as I am. I was on a lash fast too. I was on a nail tech no gel fast, and very little make-up. In fact most of the times my face was completely natural.

So here we are in this new year. I have learned to love me again. With hair or without. With lashes or without. With nails, but since I have just learned how to be creative with my own nails I will do my own. I will take one day out of the week to make myself aesthetically pleasing. to me if no one else. I mean it should always be about God and me anyway.

I appreciated what pastor said. My physical representation does not set me a part. It is the inside of my heart. Thats why the account of Saul and David is one of my favorite accounts in the bible. When Samuel was looking for a replacement for King Saul after his disobedience, he completely overlooked David. David wasn’t as handsome or tall as Saul, but the Lord had to remind him that Samuel was only able to see the outer man but God was the only one able to see the heart.

God knows the heart. So whether I put on a lash, or a twenty two inch weave, He knows whether my heart is in good standing or not.

Queen Esther went through twelve months of beauty treatments. Can you imagine what type of treatments those were. Maybe she had some goat hair lashes too. Or nah? Anyway they were something to enhance her from her natural state to a state that allowed her to be better than she was. She was in stiff competition. She had to be chosen for such a time as she was chosen. And she was chosen.

I had my lashes in my make-up box for over six months having difficulty deciding if i was going to put them on. I mean its an easy process applying them one by one. To me anyway, but I was still lost in trying to understand this new person I have become.

So yes. I lashed. I lashed and fluttered my lashes and my daughter who cooed about how pretty they looked. I remind her daily. It is more important to be beautiful on the inside. Like what am I saying about people when they are not around. Does she hear me speak negatively about people when I am having conversations on the phone with my friends? Or does she hear me speaking life, encouraging them to be better tomorrow than they were today. Does she hear me gossiping about the latest mess on television or will she hear me praying with one of my sister friends? See I don’t want her to lessen her beauty to make others feel comfortable. I just want her to be a kind and loving upbuilding person that is willing to speak truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make someone feel because it is in truth that we are stretched to our limits to become the best we can be. It is in that way that the ones that are for her will be comfortable with her regardless of what she looks like.

My physical aesthetic begins on the outside, but trust me the process of cleaning out this mess on the inside is still ongoing, and if I need to make my ugly faces all on the altar I will continue to do so. It is in His presence I get my healing.
I know who I am and am still struggling to understand who He called me to be. But whomever that person is. I am going to always make sure I at least try to present my best self and put my best foot forward.I know some people have issues with lashes, so if you want them do the research for yourself. Everything ain’t for everybody. Just like everyone isn’t for everyone, but what is for you take it enjoy it and if it is not breaking none of the laws of God apologize to no one for it. So that being said if that includes a full set of lashes. I’ll take it.Image Lash me please.

 

Eat to Live not live to eat

So today is day fifteen of changing my eating and starting my exercise program.

I go hard.

I’m a type A personality so its inevitable that with everything I do in life I give my all.

I hate to half step.

That being said by now I would have said I have been doing so well I need a reward. And eaten a pan of macaroni and cheese, baked. Hey I can’t help myself. I have always loved food so I sat under all the cooks in the houses I have lived in to learn recipes, from Dominican to soul food. My Trinidadian ex made sure my food replicated his mothers, so yeah I cooks. My baked macaroni will look as good as it tastes. I love food. It is what it is.

I had to learn how to cook. I don’t really like restaurant food too much. I have spent the majority of the fifteen years I have dated in relationships so everyone knows the way to man’s heart. His stomach. Like I said I go hard in everything I do.

So here I am day fifteen and needing a treat.

I am reprogramming myself to not associate food with a treat. Food is to ingest to provide nutrients to my body so that I can have the energy and fuel to move and live. Food is not my treat.

It is energy for life.

So I want to treat myself. I decided to polish my nails create this aesthetic. I am a lady. I was nearly beat into ladyhood as a child. My mother was going to beat all the tomboy out of me that had me losing barrettes that matched my underwear and socks and t-shirts along with the ribbons on my shoulder length ponytails. The tomboy behavior that had me jumping logs with the boys and breaking my foot along the way.

I polish my nails in preparation. I am investing in me. I got myself a ring to reward me for my progress. I want to make sure it sits on a manicured hand. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love thrifting. It is so much fun to find a blouse that someone literally spent hundreds on, for all of two dollars. Is that Christian Dior iSpy? Oh yeah. Ampersand winning. Slacks for three dollars, and always able to find the best sale on the shoes that will carry out the picture I have envisioned. I am thankful. So how can I treat myself if I am not going to use food and not going to use clothes?

Jewelry and perfume.

Ahhh. Smelling as good as I see this exercise making me look. Timeless pieces that go with the look. I think I’ve found a solution.

See if I get into this mindset of thinking food is a treat then I will think that the food I am eating now is not part of a lifestyle just something to do to get to a certain goal. Once I achieve that goal it will be so much more difficult to stay at that place because my eating has not changed in my mind. This has to be a lifestyle change in order for it to last.

If I treat myself now for losing a couple of inches and a few pounds when I get to my destination I will do the same thing and allow all my hard work to eventually go down the drain. Don’t be fooled. You can’t out exercise a bad diet. Abs are made in the kitchen and all that good stuff.

So yeah. Here is to making some good choices. I can treat myself and not my old addictive behaviors to keep in line with my goals. It just calls for me to be more creative.

I made almond butter protein cookies. One cookie had fifty calories four carbs, three and a half grams of protein and three grams of fat. Yeah. There are options. I just have to make better ones. So here’s to one day at a time. I am a recovering fat girl, and I love to eat. Now I have just learned how to eat better in a way that is conducive to a long life full of health. In the words of my seventy nine year old grandfather that still works twelve hour days sometimes five to six times a week just because he like me is a type A personality that needs to be doing something at all times, eat to Live not Live to eat. Being healthy is the only way that he can keep going, and i plan to go as far as God will allow me. Since that means eating in a way that will bring life to my body not death I do it. I am pleased and I persist. I just get a few little trinkets along the way to show my appreciation for my dedication.

 fat girl

The only time pretty should hurt is when you are drunk in love

Why would Beyonce describe herself as being drunk in love?

Why would anyone describe themselves as being drunk in love. At first it was crazy in love, I see.Image Is that why there have been postings of what appear to be Baphomet on her finger. I guess she got so crazy in love to the point of now being drunk in love and creating a culture of people that want to do the same thing.

I had to sit and wonder if it was because she has gotten herself so deep in a situation where her senses are dulled. She has gained the whole world, but what does it profit a man to gain the whole world if s/he loses their soul in the process.

So I begin to think about what are the physical effects of drinking. Drinking eventually corrodes the liver and when the liver stops working it no longer is able to purify the blood, so whatever impure thing comes into us can’t get filtered out because all that drinking has ruined our liver.

Drinking causes people to stumble and fall.

People who were once loving and nurturing become cold, callous and abusive. They used to act one way now they act another, and generally this is not in a positive way.

A person under the influence of alcohol may have slurred speech and impaired vision.

A person under the influence of alcohol may blackout and not remember what they were doing while under the influence. They surely aren’t able to remember what they are supposed to be doing.

Many alcoholics begin to experience biological issues and can develop a disorder called Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome. The effects of this disease can cause people to be mentally confused, to have paralysis of the ocular, or the eye, muscles, and have difficulty with muscle coordination. If the condition gets severe enough a person can wind up not being able to remember information. The condition can become so severe that not only can a person not remember old information, but they have a hard time taking in and remembering new information. It might go in, but just an hour later the information is gone.

If the liver gets so bad filled with toxins that it can no longer release a person can develop something something called Hepatic encephalopathy which can cause changes in sleep patterns, mood, and personality; psychiatric conditions such as anxiety and depression, a short attention span, and if things get bad enough they will slip into a coma.

Ok. So now you know the harsh effects of what being drunk in the physical will lead up to, so why does Beyonce boast of being drunk in love?

Many people may sit here and say well being drunk a few times can’t lead up to those drastic effects. Yes, but what if you literally drank all day everyday. Those biological effects would wind up happening far sooner than you would think. The thing about being drunk physically is the body will tell you when it is getting sick and can’t take anymore. The heart doesn’t know how to so it just wants more and more and no matter how sick our spirits are becoming we fail to see the effects on us.

I got saved the same day I fell back into my sinful behaviors. See the same man that had been sent on assignment to bring me to the Lord allowed himself to be used in another way to take me away from God as soon as I went to him and disregarded God’s word for my life. I forgot how powerful The Word is and disregarded the words and put His commandments in obscurity. I forgot that fornication was me sinning against my own flesh. Maybe because as soon as I sinned against my own flesh and couldn’t hear the Holy Spirit’s quiet whisper for the loud screaming of my flesh I was getting further and further away from God and the things He had in store for me.

I mean my vegetarian lifestyle was thrown out the window. My betterment of self was forgotten. I allowed this person to consume me so that I neglected everything else around me that had always been important to me.

Obviously when flesh gets in the way we go outside of Gods arrangements for us.

So now I am back in the mess that I had been free from for months before even accepting Christ in my life, and now being a new creature in Christ I’m back in the same situation.

Everything that may be under the sun may not be new, but the warnings that we receive are imperative to listen to because they are set in place to save our lives.

So here I am drunk in love. I believe this man is my end al,l be all. He must have been sent to be my husband. I mean the way he made my body feel? I think I saw the sun once in his arms, but all that was was a force to blind my mind and turn my heart away from God. My flesh is weak and the heart is desperate and wicked, how could I deny that present truth in God’s word. I needed to rely on God’s spirit. I needed to get Proverbs 5:6 so deep in my spirit to not lean on my own understanding and move pride out the way. That man had been sent as an assignment to kill me and I was blind to the fact.

My attitude began to change. My normally upbeat friendly spirit became darkened and mean with this confrontational spirit where no one was able to tell me anything. I had this Bonnie and Clyde mentality. Or Tupac. But it wasnt me. It was us against the world, and all the women that wanted him at my job and all the people that didn’t want to see our relationship prosper.

I fell deeper and deeper in sin, in my pride trying to prove a point to the rest of the world failing to see that my spirit was dying a slow death.

So drunk in love.

So ready to allow this man to take up every minute and every second of my time, my thoughts and my actions. I began to neglect my daughter so much so that people had to talk to me about my responsibility as a mother. Of course I wasn’t trying to hear that.

See my senses were dull. My ability to reason and use logic was gone. All I could see was this person. Well I couldn’t really see this person because my vision was blurred. I couldn’t see who they truly were. All I knew was how they made my flesh feel.

I was stumbling and falling. I was spending so much time talking to him on the walkie talkie while at work, that my dispatchers could not get through to me and I was not able to pay attention to certain things. I got called into the office with so many points on my record for that season, because I was running stop signs so busy talking to him. Approaching red lights too fast and to avoid a red light camera ticket stopping the bus abruptly almost sending my passengers hurling out of their seats. It was hard enough if nothing else to set my camera off on the bus so the bosses would be able to see how hard I was not paying attention.

Forget about church. I made it every Sunday but I never went to bible study. I was so busy in his home getting fed from his table and if he was keeping me from eating from God’s table then the question really was, whose table was I eating from. There is only one person that wants to keep us away from God. They may come with big packages, or big money to put in our hands, or big words to make us feel good, but if they are not helping us to get bigger in the spirit of God they come from our enemy, and what we fail to want to see because all that drunk in love has impaired our vision, and is stumbling our faith walk is that they really are our enemy.

See everyone that saw him saw me and vice versa. We were inseparable. The rumors were running around that we were about to run off and get married, and we were living together. I was in love. No I was drunk in love. Drunk in lust maybe. I had yet to realize he was my poison. That was until the one whom his heart really longed for came back. I was foolish to think that there was someone that was there literally just a couple months before me that was not still connected to his heart. So when they began to get bored with me, because they had used me to distract themselves from the hurt of that previous relationship, I started feeling the neglect of this person that had given me everything. This person had made me feel as if I was alive. Well the enemy can’t work to kill us with poison unless he first leads us to believe it is the best thing for us.

And since being drunk corrodes the liver so as not to allow our blood to be purified, now I was not allowing my spiritual liver to clean out the impurities of my flesh. I was drunk and my spiritual liver was corroded.

Well now i have to deal with the fact that he disappeared maybe not in the physical but in the spirit in his mind and in his heart. I was no longer a priority because the one that was connected to his heart had come back realizing there was a chance they were going to lose him because they saw the change in his behavior for someone else.

I didn’t realize how much my time was up until I was being dragged from his car in the pouring rain. Jumping on him, cutting my hand trying to hurt him and taking something that did not belong to me. I was so out of character, I almost didn’t realize who i was.

Maybe I was just drunk in love. I was confused. I would hear the word of God, but like a person that looks in the mirror and walks away immediately forgetting what I looked like I could not allow the words to get into my spirit to become a part of me.

That person had too much control over me. I became all the worst parts of them while they took on all the best parts of me.

Praise God. That season of unfaithfulness got me to a point of being in a spiritual coma and I realized Jesus was my lifeline. I had to prove faithful if he was going to wake me up from this situation I had gotten myself back in. I had to let go of my pride. I was humiliated at work while he told everyone all my business, the things I had shared with him you know pillow talk with a person that doesn’t really love you eventually becomes what’s the 411 hun information to broadcast to the world. However in that humiliation I was humbled. I had to learn that no one was to be placed above my God and if they were keeping me from what He has for me, then I was making them an idol in His place.

My God is a jealous God.

So. To all of the people that think its cute to be drunk in love. Drunk in life can have harmful physical effects over time, but drunk in love almost seems to take control of your life right away. I know the Beyonce I used to listen to before when Amazing Grace was at the end of the CD is a far cry different from this one where she is crawling on the beach back arched as if she is in heat. I thought love refined and made us better. Maybe that is her definition of better. Maybe some people base their betterment on physical things and not who they are on the inside. The word says what is in your heart comes out of your mouth.

All I know is I’ve been drunk in love before. Now I realize it was only lust.

My next relationship I aim to be sober in love, allowing God to refine and create a relationship built on bettering one another and becoming all He has called us to be. So I live this sacrificial life. In comparison to how beat up I have been not adhering to the principles set out for me, what used to be difficult is now easy. I thank God because I know it is only through the strength He has given me that I am able to do so.

Joshua 1:7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.

Amen.

Fasted Cardio: Running this experimental race to the finish line

It’s 3:47 am. I am awake. I remember being awakened by my daughter at 12 midnight. I went to sleep at 11:15. Yet, I feel refreshed. Someone is on my spirit, as they have been for the past two weeks so I pray.

I pray with fervor, without ceasing.

I decide to scroll through my IG account, after I say Amen. I love how inspiring the people I follow are. They keep me going, providing me with insight. I am thankful for the times when I am willing to listen to the Holy Spirit. He shows me when I need to be getting something more out of whatever He has sent to be shown to me. Sometimes I feel like I feel Him saying, not yet, you haven’t gotten what you came for, so I scroll and get what I came for.

Thats how I found my beachbody coach.

I am about to get up out the bed so I can start this early morning workout when I hear a car alarm going off.

It is 4 AM why won’t that person stop that wretched racket?

I look outside.

The noise is coming from my car.

Oh it’s me. I need to stop that dreaded awfulness.

So I put my workout on hold.

Running to the car I press and hold both buttons on my alarm as long as I think I can. Nothing is working. The screeching from the car has invaded my ears and when I think I can’t take it anymore I bang on the dashboard.

Ok pastor just preached about this anger thing in my heart, let me take a minute to calm down. It is just noise. Noise sent as a distraction. I need to overcome it.

So I walk back in the house fifteen minutes later.

I turn my music on and go for it. I mean workout hard. I’m sweating in the first fifteen minutes. No I am not using a DVD. I have insanity and Focus T25, but I can’t use that as my crutch. What if there ever comes a time where I have to be solely independent on God and my own self? Preparation is the key ingredient to avoiding failure. So I do so.

I have lost many things over the past 7 years, and one thing I have learned is not to get too attached to anything. It may just be removed from my life in a drop of a hat, so sometimes it may seem as if I am cold and distant to my daughter. I just need her to learn to depend on no one but God, because I almost lost my mind after my mother died.

I digress.

My fasted Cardio. Felt great. I took a few workouts I found online and added my personal spin and twist to them.

I made up a workout on my own. A few things my former trainer put together for me, and some things that just popped in my mind. I can’t begin to think I’m that smart, so I know it had to be the Holy Spirit giving me some ideas. God knows how He designed me to look, and He knew how willing I was to work so knowing I was willing to put in work, He gives me the necessary and key elements to reach goals that He has set for me. I don’t really have it in me to aim high, but I am learning.

So what is fasted Cardio?

Fasted Cardio is cardio you do after just waking up and not having eaten anything. I figure, I’m here at home. I wouldn’t try that if I was going to the gym but if I feel lightheaded I can stop get a couple of pistachios for quick energy or a sip of my protein vegetable shake that is waiting for me in the refrigerator. Why not?

Why is it beneficial?

When it comes to fat loss, since you can target the body fat stores easier when doing fasted cardio, this does prove to be to my advantage. I decided to try this because of my personal goals. For the first time I am burning fat and not just trying to lose weight. There is no special event I am planning on going to. There is no special person whose attention I seek. I have learned in times past when I connect my personal health and fitness goals on a prerequisite as soon as the object is removed I turn into a fitness dropout. I have decided to love me, and that is to be my best self. I don’t want to be what someone else is, so I don’t compete. I am a woman. I am not a girl, so I wouldn’t even know how to recognize competition amongst friends so this is to finally attain my best self, allowing God to move me in the way that he has prepared for me. Girls compete. Women empower and thats exactly what we do on my IG fitness page where I put up daily motivations encourage the other women in this fitness challenge. I have bad days and some good, but everyday putting one foot in front of the other is a day I have won. I am challenging myself. I am competing against me.

I prayed for this program. I prayed for the fat loss. So I know when I see something that catches my attention that’s His gentle nudge in being my personal trainer telling me what would be most beneficial for my body.

Everyone’s body is different. What works for me may not work for another. My genetic makeup is different. I used to eat a lot. I mean ALOT. My step father used to look at my mother after I finished eating two plates of lasagna chicken and garlic bread and ask her where does it go? Obviously all to my stomach and thighs after I have a daughter and can’t work out like the fitness fanatic I was before this new life I am adjusting to as a mommy.

So here I am. The fasted cardio is just one step towards my goals. I make sure I don’t do anything too strenuos and have an activity I can do at my own pace. Music pumping, blood flowing ready for the fat to act like butter and melt from all the essential places. All I know is I put safety first. I have stopped striving for perfection since that is impossible in this life, and just want to be better today than I was yesterday.

So I’m sorry Beyonce. Pretty does not hurt. When it starts from within and becomes about being your best self for yourself, and to give Glory to the one who created you and knew who He called you to be it becomes a reason for celebration.

I can do it. I can do it. Oh yes I know I can. Fasted cardio may be a step in a forward direction, my diet has to be on point as well, but this is all an experiment. The following weeks shall show and prove what has been most effective.Image

The Dividing Line

I crawl out from under my rock peeking out to see what challenges are being afforded to me in the world right now.

Water bejeweled and sparkling like a topaz. I want to dive in. I want to take a running jump. I have been under the rock too long. I have been covered with all the things from the rock, and I want to clean myself off.

Dip my big toe in the water. Yep, water’s just fine. So I jump in face first. I see a couple of sharks, but they are being held at bay by a huge divide that keeps my place safe and rather inviting. Its warm and sunny. It’s tropical. The breeze is high and I am finally dressed for the weather.

I notice the sharks, but I don’t see them.

They feign as if they are frolicking when all the while they are really trying not to eat each other. I know they are hungry. These sharks would rather eat me alive than go and hunt for their own food. They know I been eating, I have all the vital nutrients they need in order to go another six months without hunting so I keep my guard.

I know they are waiting for me to come into their waters, since they know most assuredly they won’t be welcome in mine.

Tra lala. Doing my own thing.

I’ve invited some friends along with me on this vacation, and they keep me breezy smiling an umbrella in my coconut water. Thank God they weren’t under the same rock I was, they just happened to meet me where I was.

So I am constantly refreshed.

I see the sharks sipping on something I don’t drink that looks tempting, but I can’t begin to imagine how a shark would be able to drink something in the first place. They don’t have hands. So who is holding it for them?

I don’t trust it.

They swim in their murky waters and think I’m leaving my turquoise hued waters for something I can see straight through even though they don’t think I can. I have this special type of vision on this side of the beach.

Not a chance.

Direction is guidance. So I take it. One dimensional. Two tiered. Three fold.

oH. Yeah.

My sister friend and I were talking today. Everyone that invades your space is not there to help you clean up your mess. Some people just come in, sit around, stare so they can validate their existence by having something to run back and tell to someone else.

Here I am. I got the latest news for you. Do you see me? If you see me then maybe I can be validated.

I told her that its a blessing to be at peace with who you are and who you once were, because fiery darts are stopped in midair like Neo in the Matrix once he figures out he is the one.

What??!? Someone much bigger than me gave me weaponry to defeat my enemies, by not allowing the poison that is put in the atmosphere to get to me.

God is good.

I am blessed.

I allow the sun to soak into my tresses. Light my path, and my way. Close my eyes to see what others can’t and forever thankful. Not just because I am in the sun, and on the beach and the water is turquoise. It is what it is because I desire to have that outlook. Emotions are a choice. So today this is mine. I wish I could promise it will be like this always, but I know it will not.

I’ve just decided to take it one day at a time, dealing with my present while I stay prayed up preparing for tomorrow.