Thank God the only thing required of me is to love God and to love my neighbor.
I spent so much time in my life trying to save folks. I would put an S on my chest flying into brick buildings full of mess trying to get someone on target with my game plan. I would say it was Gods plan that I get this person on track all the while missing out on what He had in store for me.
See if my only job is to love someone as I love myself, but I think I’m supposed to be saving them then I’m missing out on everything. First of all I’m not loving myself. Lets start with that simple idiom.
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.
So if I love me I have gotten to know me. Lets stop there. I would have to know my own self in order to love myself right?
Knowing me would mean that I have moved in a simple direction or not so simple towards my own personal interests to develop a certain sense of self that would not allow me to be swayed right? I would be able to stand firm on the rock which I have been built upon, unswayed and unchangeable. We love TV shows we post about and sometimes don’t let anyone come in the middle of our viewing pleasure, so how can you allow someone to come in the middle of you to sway you from who you are?
So now everyone that comes along in need of my saving makes me forget the things intrinsically assigned to my inner self that I have formed a deep and personal attachment to. Those things wind up getting neglected as I turn my life over to someone who has no idea what to do with it, because obviously I haven’t loved myself enough to let them in on the inner workings of me since I’m supposed to be saving them. Or if I have let them in on it I have shown how little it matters when I allow them to show me their way, which is my old way before I was changed to be better suited to Gods plans for me. You know the ones He has for me to succeed and not fail right?
So many times in my life I thought I was supposed to be helping someone get to know God better so that they would be a good fit for me. How can I do ministry work which is God’s work of bringing someone to him if my interests have already been tainted by my own personal desires towards the person. Obviously, something is going to get in the way, and I know the God I serve is jealous. He wants nothing in the way of someone getting to know Him better.
I would talk my spiritual talk to someone who only saw my flesh not understanding spirit just yet, and allow myself to be taken along for the ride. Literally.
I would change and rearrange certain parts of myself to what they deemed more acceptable. Here I am thinking I am doing a service to God not realizing I am being hindered from the very thing God has for me by a counterfeit. Someone that has come along right before God placed what was right for me in order that I may be disillusioned by something that is going to set me back a few years again and again. Because once you decide to listen to flesh and disregard what God says it becomes too easy to get into that pattern and all you wind up in for years to come is a big mess.
I know first hand.
I would try to save someone from themselves seeing their potential. They would play a good game, make me believe they were anything besides my opponent and I would begin to forget who I was in the first place. Everyone in my circle would always see how wonderful they appeared to be, but what is an illusion? A figment of one’s imagination designed to represent the real thing.
The last illusion I had was perfect for me. Tall, brown, clean cut just like I like them. He was everything I thought I wanted. He made me laugh, and was kind to me nurturing my whole soul so I thought. An Illusion.
He had a form of godliness but failed to prove true to its power, because he could regale biblical accounts to me as if he were a pastor. I thought I was in love. I believe I was. No, I know I was.
What I failed to realize was that he was an assignment. I had never asked God if he was the person for me because I just knew he was.
The word says lean not on your own understanding but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him. When I finally did as I always did with my boyfriends, almost begrudgingly, the answer was clear. I finally asked God if he was for me. He had to be for me. I began to write songs that were worth singing. He became the muse for my prose. Literally. I wrote a six minute poem of prose for this muse, and so what I had not done in almost six years came back to me as if I were back at Mojo’s Pen on UIC’s campus reciting in front of classmates, professors and others in my artistic community that had become familiar to me.
See he had to be right for me. Right?
I finally asked God that critical question. He told me to go on a twenty one day retreat from what had become my sanctuary. On the first day I received a text from this ideal and perfect man that said someone had just tried to get down on him.
Ergh I said in bewilderment. What is it when someone tries to get down on you? I mean I’m street smart but not so much.
Well someone had just shot up his vehicle. He was unharmed. The passenger side of the vehicle was shot up. I was walking on the treadmill. Had I not asked God and received His words for me I would not have been walking on that treadmill but in the car with that man, heading to see his mother with a bullet wound to my spine probably unable to walk again.
I still loved that man.
But I loved God more. Then I loved me more.
Then I wanted to know what was so special about me that made the enemy keep sending fiery and dangerous darts intending to take my life. So I walked away, and made a commitment to me. Who am I? Who did I use to be? And Father, who did you create me to be?
Those are the questions right there.
So I am thankful that my only responsibility is to love God and love my neighbor as myself. That right there tells me I’m supposed to love me too. My job is not to judge another. It is not to hate another. It is most definitely not to save another. I can’t bring anyone to God. I have to show them the path, walk away and give them the choice to walk on their own not to please me which is what the man I loved would have done if I stayed in his relationship trying to be his woman and the woman to bring him to God. So that’s all. That’s really my assignment? That sure takes a load off my mind, and so now I find peace. So when he sent a text to me two months later saying that he felt himself eating his spiritual vegetables I felt renewed, and I said to God be the Glory. How’s that for finding one’s purpose?