Dreams of freedom escalate me to heights far exceeding proportionate measure. So I began to question the foundation that is the make-up of who I have come to understand me to be.
I think I may be shy.
Hmm well if you ever saw me take over the dance floor you’d say otherwise regardless to whether I have rhythm or not. So nah, that can’t be it.
I think I may be a recluse.
But I love being out and about talking to random strangers in public. Sometimes the moments we share will cause us perfect strangers to embrace as if we had known each other all our lives. So, no that has to be the farthest from the truth.
I think the real problem is my fear of rejection.
Lightbulb. By George I think we’ve got it.
Disclaimer. I didnt go to high school so I grew up failing to understand the basic workings of community. My religious background kept me from interacting with others outside the group, and since I could always see people. I mean see straight through people, I couldn’t get past the hypocritical two faces the majority of them had, so I stayed pretty much to myself. I might have had one friend at a time. But, since I give my all in anything I do, one is usually almost too much.
Someone once told me, “Rae. You give people too much of your ether.”
Ah. I love hard, so why and how could I be fearful of rejection. Especially when people get to know me enjoy my company.
I grew up under an umbrella that was not strong enough to shield me from the series of unfortunate events. Things happened. No words necessary. I just learned it was easier to withdraw into myself than allow others who may come in to hurt me.
I began to enjoy my solitude so much that I almost forgot there was a world outside the computer. So I found a protective safe place behind the screen. I could interact and be my authentic self without the reminders of what my past said I was.
Until I heard a voice tell me clearly. If you get off your social networks and let me have you. I will switch up all you thought you knew about yourself.
Cool. I looked around my apartment thinking if this is my blueprint then I already know this can’t be life.
No FB for a year. Word? No twitter either, and instagram just to track clean eating and lean bodies on my journey to health.
So I did it. When it was said and done I realized all the time I spent doing things that would pull me away from myself I was losing myself because that time getting out mingling in the real world I realized who I was in all my authenticity. I love people, and from what all the older people I drove around for nearly a year said, they loved me too.
So where do we go from here, still unattached to a social network. I am still looking to find who I truly am. I am still looking to be free from the misunderstanding of who others thought I was so I was more than willing to conform.
I wish it were all so easy as a freedom bell ringing, free at last, free at last thank God I’m free from my past. No, it doesn’t work like that. If I want to be free from something I have to actively put in work. I have to chase after the one who is capable of giving it to me with such a fervor, because in my humiliation I am humbled, and those who humble themselves before God receive his grace.
See I know what it takes to get free. I’ve heard His requests loud and clear. At one time of my life I may have been too cute to be seen out the house no lip gloss on my lips, no eyeliner covering my almond shaped eyes, and no fresh kicks or high heels on my feet. But, the woman I am looking to be, lives on the inside of me. It has nothing to do with my outer appearance, and while I will take strides to put my best foot forward with my dress, and the presentation of my face it is not what makes me an attractive person. So I cry out to the Lord on the altar praying for my freedom and release from the past that continually haunts me.
Its in doing so I lift my Savior up higher than my problems. He was humiliated to the point of death so what is my problem?
I come from a place of feigned piety, which I never understood. If the Father sees everything we do who are you hiding from? Well we know what the word says about those that trust in flesh. Jeremiah says that one is cursed. Flesh can never give you an iota of a measure of the things God has in store for us, yet we spend the most time wondering what other people think.
I know I did.
So I stood today. I looked in the mirror. Red eyes from crying, swollen face, though not as swollen as it was a week ago, but its me. I like me. No makeup, no adornments. I’m just me. I am Radiance Jua’Donna. That’s it. Not Rae, or whatever other name folks want to call me. I am Radiance J.
So I take a triumphant step towards getting closer to my dreams. Dreams of freedom are no longer as far fetched as they seem. Everytime I hit the mark on the scale right here, this weight I stand at right now, I find a comfortable place and settle for some popeyes, or something equally as wretched. I wind up being too afraid to go forward so I fall back into the arms of something familiar, knowing how damaging it is to me. But when the unknown is so scary where do I find the courage to pursue it.
Today I saw me. I mean I really saw me. I wanted the best for her, so I went to the grocery store. I filled up my cart with kiwis, oranges, apples, almond butter, mushrooms, corn tortillas, and some other yummy things I have come to crave in the past week. I already had the spinach for my smoothies. Nutribullet me please. Lets try this vegan thing. See in past times I had always compromised my health for goals to achieve weight loss, eating the wrong thing but alone hidden away and way too much. Sometimes purging in order to make sure I never looked like what I ate. Now I eat to live. Not live to eat. Now there is something worth living for.
I realized that its not about being rejected by someone else, because I was rejecting my own self. Everyone that came around I would reject them too. Today I wanted a change. A change for me and the people I have been connected with.
I guess I opened my heart up to Jesus today. I had given him a closed heart before, and he gave it back to me like whenever you’re ready. I opened my heart to Him. Told him things I had never said before so I guess in opening my heart to Him I opened my heart up to the rest of the world. I am no longer worried about being rejected because I find comfort in the presence of the one who created me. I have faith that He will handle all matters that affect me. Word! If God be for us. There it is. That right there is the unplanned lesson learned.