I almost lost all sense of understanding last week. I had to pray quietly. I had to pinch myself. I had to scream in my head. I was ready.

See I know in order for me to reach my goals I have to have some time to myself. My little one is busy. We have talked about the things necessary to keep her safe. We have practiced a little swift hand action. I think she is finally ready for head start.

So I blogged about this. She had finally been placed in the daycare of my heart. In walking distance and a nice little track across the street. Yes! I drop her off early and get a few hours to get this cardio in. Belly fat is easy to lose for me. Something about being an hourglass. But these thighs. Lord. They give me the flux. I literally spent an hour trying on pants for church. Until I jumped and shook into a pair I haven’t worn since before she was conceived.

Anyway. Anything the enemy can do to get me off my square and get me back to who I used to be. But we all know his job is to kill steal and destroy. But I also know my Savior came to give life so that we can have it more abundantly so I lean on Him.

So here I am. Last week. Getting my daughters teeth cleaned so she can get her dental physical papers filled out. I am twenty minutes late. They see me still. I let the receptionist know that I have another appointment for her regular physical hopefully so if I am running late I won’t have to stand in the looooooooong line to let her know I am back.

So teeth cleaned ✔. Now I go back down to the receptionist. I see her looking at me. But she doesn’t make the call. I stand there for about eight minutes. By the time they get to me its three minutes past the late allowance.

I am hearing something.

I am not quite understanding.

Reschedule. Looks like you all have over scheduled. How can anyone get any quality of care when the office is packed like a sardine can? What? There is no office manager? OK I’ll see the head nurse.

And in the mean time just let me get my daughters physical from 2013.

THERE IS NO RECORD OF IT???!?

🔥🔥🔥💨💨💨 is rising up ready to erupt like lava. I have been a volcano sleeping waiting for the right trigger. oh yeah. Get me someone to talk to please.

The nurse comes out speaking down to me. She is so condescending to me I want to scream. But I don’t. I reserve myself by no goodness of my own. Only through the grace and mercy given to me. And bid her adieu.

I say well on to the next one.

I keep it moving. I call and file a grievance first. Then I go to the doctors office right down the street from my house. Yes!!! An appointment tomorrow? We will take it. I had to wait a week for the one I was turned away from and here it is God opening a new door for me.

I had to be willing to walk though.

So many times in my past I was dead set on making people want me. Making them want to be my friend. Making them want to love me or even just making them like me. Like Pastor said in yesterday’s sermon we be so busy chasing our Judas’ down trying to figure out what we can do to make things better we wind up leaving the people at the table that want to be there. Had I stayed at the other office gojng off and actinf foolishly I would have never opened the door to a new opportunity.

Ahh I get it. I want those that want me now. I want to be around those that celebrate me and value me now. I thought when my personal Judas’ told all the lies to my family and spread rumors and lies about me to our peers that she was wrong. But had she not played her position pushing me out of doors where people were only tolerating me I would never have met this new family of people that celebrate me.

I have NOTHING to give them but a few laughs a little love and kind words of encouragement. They love me. They help give me life. And I take that life and share it with those that don’t know my Lord the way I have come to in this past year.

So today. I release more negativity. If you are for me. Come on in. The water is warm. And if you are not God bless you for whomever you are for. I am grateful. I have more love than I’ve had my entire life. More concern. More hugs. I’ve been given life. To live more abundantly. This was a lonely journey to start but persistence and faith. Faith means so much. That is belief in what I can’t see.

So just like I can’t see me reaching my goals I have faith that God will continue to bless my sacrifices. He will help me carry my loads. He will. I am a believer.

So to these small changes. The swears that never left my lips. The words I left her with to bring life. When I am reminded of a former woman who would’ve said and did the most. I am at peace. I have become a new creature in Christ. I don’t chase down lies. Or try to take matters into my own hands. Judas’ hang them selves and their world’s fall apart. One brick, smoke and lives departed at a time. But there is no rejoicing in that. A life lost for unnecessary gains? What profits a man to gain the whole world?

So this week of celebration. I celebrate all those who left. I celebrate more those that left and returned and those who came a new. My life is different. No pretenses. No happy faces all the time. But peace that exceeds understanding and joy. Oh the joy! Its only in my relationship with God that I find security in me. And I do. And I will.

 

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