Its about healing.
Its about freedom from moments of hurt pain and tragedy, so that no one becomes the man that scared the life out of me on my way to four am prayer.
More details of the story today grandma explains that he was bleeding from his head. It probably was death I saw on him. I guess the reason it got me so emotional was because the last time I saw death on someone, I had to watch her die once be brought back to life because I asked the all too real question after she told the doctor not to resuscitate her, How am I going to live without my best friend? My true ride or die. My half days in Whole Foods buddy because she had to talk to everyone she met. Such the socialite, loving the whole of society. My whole days in Marshalls because she had to literally check almost every item in the store to make sure she wasn’t leaving behind any treasure. My I can tell her anything and everything, purple lips tell no lies and she had no judgements. My advice that went unheard, because when she told me not to let Roberto go because since I was his first girlfriend ever I would never find another to love me the way he did. Four years later I paid no attention and would have been happy to remain friends with the one man that was my best friend. I was a heartbreaker though. A life far too selfish overly consumed by me.
We reap what we sow.
However, the breakdown was about that. That memory. That sight of death.
I want everyone to make it. I never want to hear of another’s personal tragedy. I definitely don’t want to revel in it. So I tell my life experiences hoping like I heard one person say they want to experience life in the wild before settling down, that if they know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior they never give that up, and if they don’t they get a chance to see that He works miracles still.
One of them is writing this blog right now.
Cause Lord knows. I would never have thought. Never!
So I’m running today.
I get a call. I cannot stop. I know what God has shown me. In the place with the person calling i get so comfortable I forget what I am working towards, so I paused the last time. I don’t want to get comfortable so that God takes away the one that pushes all the buttons in my heart because I won’t stay focused on the goal. We will have our time. Right now its time for this body work.
Its alright, I guess we have to break the shaky foundation down. I need to be a priority. I cannot be an option. I get it though.
I’m too much like a boy to not understand.
I did that.
I played that game very well. Most times score win for Radiance. Its never been checkers.
My analytical mind has always seen the chess board. After all I am a queen and since my job is to be protected by all other players, especially my king then instead of stooping I need to make sure that anyone that wants to be in my life rises to the occasion.
I may have stooped in times past, but only to try and give a person the benefit of the doubt. Hoping to see the best in them. Most definitely never for long. And most definitely not to settle and stay for what I know I don’t deserve just to say I have someone.
I must be protected. I must be catered to. Or I must wait until someone is willing to do so. Its not a one way street. My loyalty is intrinsic. I am truly for the cause as long as the cause is holding me down too.
The dude my mother warned me not to let go played his position. He was a quick study. Being my best friend for over a year before professing his interest in me helped our respect factor. That mutual respect and communication we were able to maintain created the foundation.
I. Me. Me myself and I just couldn’t get right.
Wale made Bad and I wondered had I met him along the way. I mean why was he talking about me like that.
Such is life.
So I see the call coming in. The last conversation we had before the hiatus he reminded me he was no longer going to run slower so that others could catch up and run the course with him. He was going to soar, fly and dare someone to catch up.
I could dig it. I mean after all he is the male version of me.
My beautiful brown counterpart.
I could remember sixth grade. Myself and another student had been accepted to a school up north that would have allowed me to be first in line to get into Lincoln Park High School. It was a better opportunity. It would allow me to grow in ways the language academy I went to never would. I thought about it. I chose not to go. See I wanted to stay with my ‘friends’. I was afraid of the unknown. She went, but since she didn’t look like me I was afraid of what I did not know.
So the next step was to put me in seventh grade math. I dumbed myself down not doing my homework so I could go back to again be with my ‘friends’. These are the same friends that when I reach out to them ignore the extended hand and pretend as if they never saw it. Probably some pettiness of a bitter and vengeful soul speaking negatively about me, especially when I know I have never done anything hurtful to the former childhood ‘friends’. Really though I don’t know what it is. One blogger repeatedly says, “I am not for everybody.” Maybe that is what i have been conditioned to believe so the smell can still be smelled on me. Or maybe it is what it is, whatever it is it is a blessing. See people for who and what they are, love and pray for them anyway but all the while singing Bravo by Ledisi.
“I gotta a new walk and a new point of view
A new purpose for everything I do I gotta
A new rule only real folks around if you are wondering
I’m bout to tell you now see it’s the same pretty face with a brand new smile same (Radiance) but she ain’t walkin shes flying
A new day making big moves
See if love found me it can surely find you
I ain’t even got one sad tear left in me
Thats that loyalty though. Love never fails. It really doesn’t. Sometimes we have to love from a far, but it continues. It is real. Now that my Savior has shown me His version of the love I was missing out on all my life, it is more impactful.
Hello how you doing requires little to no effort. But I remember when I was in my hurt and pain. I had nothing good to say, so I said nothing at all.
All is well.
I have learned that the people that offend me the most are the people I am supposed to pray the hardest for. Thats what the word teaches. So I do. It has never been about me. It will always be about seeking God’s help to play my part in the victory that has already been won against an enemy that chooses to keep people separated so that the jewels and gems of wisdom that the Lord imparts on each and every one of us can’t reach its assigned person.
All is well.
So I think to the same year.
Like any crush a crush as an adult a crush as a child a crush is something so innocent. Reminders that it is okay to like some things about that person that reminds you of yourself without wanting to take anything further than a quiet observing admirer.
That year I had a crush.
I wrote a poem.
The first poem I ever wrote was published in the school newspaper so there must have been something to my skills. My ‘friend’ wanted to take the poem and pretend as if she wrote it. I mean after all I wasn’t the thinnest, prettiest, my special contribution was having really long hair for a you know, and who really likes the smart girl? So I couldn’t do anything with it. I guess that was her perception.
So she did. I don’t believe he believed her, but that was the story. We were the ‘fly girls’ the mean girls, the so called clique of our grade so we stuck to it.
I have realized that I have spent my life trying to be a part of, when I was always supposed to stand apart. My mother named me Radiance Jua’Donna. Yes. The apostrophe was her idea. That doesn’t make me better. It just makes me different. Unique. It is in learning to be alone that I have learned how to build up my relationship with my Savior and my Father. Two. Plus one becomes three in one. I guess thats how they show us the model of what a marriage is supposed to look like. Two plus one becomes three in one.
Yeah thats cold!
So. I will always look for the best ways to help another get to their best self, when I love, when they open the door to me. I don’t need to be paid to speak life into a dying soul. If God is willing to use me then I will open my big mouth and speak. I may offend, like prophets of old. Jeremiah was never liked, by the people. But guess who loved him. Thats right. His Creator.
My God. Daddy!
I will not run slower, or do less than what He has given me to do. I will stop giving up on people because they offend me. I just do what needs to be done on my part. I can not control another. I can only control me. So what do I do? I work my hardest to be the best me the world will ever see.
It is only with the reminder of Philippians 4:13. Yes I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
In God’s divine time. In His great wisdom. As he continues to shake me and break me because he can’t take me to a place where my attitude is going to shut down all that He is doing to make me.
Yeah. Its about growth. It is about healing. My hope is that when I get strong like Simon Peter I can go back and strengthen others that have struggled with the things the Lord has given me victory over.
Its not about me making it. Its about all of us making it.
So I sing
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior” Hillsong United – Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I believe. I can’t be categorized. I am a believer. That is all. Because I believe I love and that’s powerful because love like God never fails.