I just saw something about people that fall of the wagon. The only difference between failure and winning are those that get back on.

So mother’s day.

Hurt my soul.

I watch my lil sis and her mother and can’t help but think about the relationship I had with my own. We may not have seen eye to eye on many levels but that was my momma.

She gave love to the masses and still had enough left over for me. Well maybe I got mine first.

So there were sooooo many reasons I took her death so hard. Maybe it was the life insurance policy my step father kept saying he didn’t have. Maybe it was the lies he told her that I heard him tell her that she was healing when clearly she was dying. Maybe it was the fact that he never took her to the hospital for treatment. He as her head helped her make a decision to not cut the Breast off or get medical treatment. He sent her to an herbalist. The same herbalist who happened to be the sister of the woman he wound up getting with shortly following my mother’s death.

Something didn’t seem right about that.

Especially when I got to Boston he was on a camping trip. Came home for a day and went to Mississippi. I called him and told him my mother wasn’t able to carry her own weight anymore. I mean falling and I was not strong to pick her back up so we lay crying on the inside together. He asked did I think he should come home. Well it’s only your wife. She’s only going to be dead in 1.5 weeks. Not sure. What do you think?

Yes my anger issues have deep seated roots.

I would hear my mother nearly beg willing to lose her dignity asking her husband her death do them part her other half to change her because she couldn’t stand the smell on her. He disregarded her feelings.

I cried in silence.

I told my mother to choose this man. How deep in darkness we were. Because she chose him and i cosigned even though my first reaction to the letters he sent to our house was to throw those letters away.

They had to be the Holy Spirit.

But I had been conditioned to believe He was a force not a person. When the Bible clearly refers to the Holy Spirit as a He.

That’s what my great enemy been doing. Blinding the minds of unbelievers.

Those that don’t believe that God our Father, Jesus our Lord and Savior is the Son that sits on the right hand of the Father, not as an angel named Michael, but as the Son of God. He directs the Holy Spirit. Speaks to the Holy Spirit because the word says the Spirit of truth doesn’t speak anything besides what Jesus tells him to speak. And Jesus doesn’t do anything without the approval of the Father.

But I became a believer. Last year. When I began to listen and my life changed.

See mothers day tragic week of hurt and pain ended with me being ignored by whom my heart longs for.

But my heart is wicked. That’s why I’m not supposed to be directing my own step. What my heart wants and what God wants for me usually is not one and the same.

That’s why it’s a constant struggle for my flesh to fall in line with my spirit. See the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. That’s why I have to beat it into submission. I have to die daily.

So yesterday. Still not dealing with my pain the right way I head out. I leave my phone behind. I get back and a whole string of texts are missing.

I know who did it but because that person is nobody and nothing to my story line they don’t even get an honorable mention, but the person the texts were sent to.

That’s my heart!

Have you ever felt an aching in your chest gripping too tight the pain of loving someone who won’t love themselves enough to pursue the best for their lives. See my turnup is always short lived. Then it’s back to running miles and squats and writing. So much writing. Productive lives are much more meaningful.

Well yeah. I gave him my heart so now I fell the aching of another departure.

I cannot settle.

If my kingdom is as great as I have been told for years now even when I didn’t want to believe then I must have a strong king able to diffuse my anger and soothe my pain. Not someone who disregards my feelings ignore incoming texts. Who wants to feel like a man because the beauty is sweating the beast even when he has nothing to show for twenty six years.

My bad. I raised a boy once. Watched my momma do it and what did he do? Left her to die a slow painful death. I mean before I got there and got her to the doctor she was only taking Tylenol 3s for pain that needed morphine.

No. Before a man can be my man he has to be a man. Amen. He has to be willing to take a stand. For what he knows is right. He has to have the courage to fight. He has to know how to love me without smothering me, tryna diminish my light. Aight!

Yeah. He got mad at me because I didn’t leave discipleship school fast enough this week. Chose Gods standards over his. No I will not hit the B. No I will not come and lay with you. We grown, two grown folks cannot just lay especially when one of them hasn’t been touched in sooooo long. And you know it wasn’t him. And why would I give a man money or bring him breakfast when he has not invested in or sown any type of seed into me?

That’s what men do. They sow a seed. Adam did when he gave Eve his rib. Isaac did when he went to get Rebekah. That’s what men do. They put forth effort for what they want. They give to receive. But boys stay thinking a woman supposed to do something for them.

Epic fail.

Women have spoiled this generation of men so much that they refuse to get jobs. They get a woman with a job or a check anything will do and let her take care of him. So many women will do anything to have a man just to say she not alone that they choose to accept the unacceptable.

I cannot.

I have a daughter to provide an example for.

So needless to say. I pushed my heart away. I felt the ache but I serve a God that provides comfort and will give me joy for my mourning. If Jesus can tell the wind to be still I know none of my problem’s are too big.

I mean I may not be healed but if I just keep moving like the lepers I will eventually. Just must keep on moving.

Like Peter. I want to walk on water I want to do all things I could never have thought possible. If I have to continually be refined I will stay in the fire. See this is for the approval of God. Never of man. So when I fall if I want to He shows me how to stand.

So here I am like Samuel. Here I am Lord. Wanting to be used. Wanting to be approved. Just wanting to please my best friend. And if that means I let the boys grow into men before they be my man then I use the patience I’ve been given. Let God be God.

I mean who is more capable of doing that job than Him?

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