I run until my body hurts more than my heart.

I long for that which won’t return the sentiment.

I fall for the okey doke again!!

What is it about me that loves to live to save the world. So when they no longer need saving they discard me like dirtied toilet paper.

I’m flushed. Out of breath. A nervous wreck.

Out of nowhere comes an Angel. For real. An Angel. I like pretty things. I do. I am ashamed to say I never asked God for my daughters health while she was in my belly. I just prayed for her beauty. I did.

He always hears me.

So here comes an Angel. I guess the job is to make up for the pain lingering in my heart. From those who wanted to make me feel like I was nothing. I am reminded. Of my beauty, of my uniqueness. I am reminded of my positive traits.

I mean I could have been a murderer or something monstrous like that. I just got a little temper. A little attitude. Maybe a little bit obsessive. OK. I got some issues. I never seek out others. I try to stay away until I get myself together. But some insist. They make idle conversation. Lead me on with words.

“I didn’t know I was lost until you found me.”

Sounds pretty. I’m in love.

I can’t deny.

So an Angel. Comes to remind me that there will always be options.

But how can one find solace in that when my heart only wants the one whose job is to make me feel sooooo ugly and unwanted. So unworthy and unlovable.

I am reminded of my childhood.

I guess the enemy that comes to steal kill and destroy wants to take me back to my childhood. Make me believe no matter how much others appreciate me the ones my heart long for will never accept me. In turn bringing out the worst in me by telling me through words and actions I am a nobody.

Whose report will I believe.

Like I said I met an Angel.

I see my beauty. He reminds me and compliments it. It’s just that he sees my beauty and is reminded of his own. The face that left me speechless so speechless I had to explain that I could not hear one word he was saying because of being mesmerized by his good looks.

Did you really have to show off your abs like that?

I smile and keep it moving. If I stop for every Tom Dick or Harry I am going to stay running in circles when I know I need to be on the straight and narrow.

So. I run five miles straight. Like I said I am running until the pain in my heart is replaced by the pain in my body.

Guess I’ll be running for a few months now.

My prayers are constant. I just want this feeling to go away. I want to one day be able to control my reckless mouth. I don’t want to hurt the ones that matter the most to me.

I need to just shut up.

I start a period of silence. Speaking only when spoken to. Nothing more or less.

My heavy heart has some healing to do again. But who can I blame besides me? I take full responsibility.

So. I guess I focus on hope. I know everything God has for me well be for me as long as I keep pressing on. It is not time to give up. I can’t stop not when I’m so close.

But what do I do with this empty place that used to hold my heart?

I guess. No I know. I fill it up with the word of God. I know everything worth having is worth waiting for. And since I gave it away I’ll wait  patiently once again for my peace of mind. And know in due time.

In due time my God will provide me with everything I need. I just have to show I am ready.


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