I know who my Lord and Savior is. He said He is the vine. Our Father is the vine dresser. If I bear fruit he will prune me. Get all the unsightly things off of me.

I never claimed to be anything besides a believer. I may not be nice all the time. If you push my buttons I will react. I stay away from people when I get like that. I know I can go from normal to hulk in 0.5 seconds. Some people will not have the police there to save the day escorting me away as I get up ready to wreck shop.

Thank God for blessings. That day He saved both of our lives. Hers and the freedom of mine.

So.

I lie in repentance. Apologetic to my Father. I am supposed to represent Him. Not old Rae-Rae or her destructive ways.

Being purged is never fun.

See I said some things I didn’t mean to save face. I couldn’t take my feelings out on the problematic source. So since he answered his phone during work hours. The old me came back to life.

I swear I should write a book called the killing of Rae-Rae cause she has to die in order for Radiance to be happy!

I know I ask God to help me die. Those fleshly ways. Now I have to do it daily.

Never get too comfortable.

This was never a random love affair. I’ve written more than ten pieces as an ode to him. Our mental, emotional, and spiritual connection far surpassed our physical one.

That’s why we had to rebuild. He told me a house can’t stand when built on sand.

Well there goes that. Here I come to burn it down with my fiery ways. That’s Rae-Rae for you. I should have told him not to call me that. But Rae sounded so sweet next to Jay.

I don’t know why whenever I get close to success I can’t help but sabotage it.

What is it about a black girl lost then found that remembers the fact that no one ever said she was good enough. She should have gotten A’s instead of B’s when no one was even willing to help her work. My voice was not all pretty like EnVogue. Not back then. Not when I just became what others expected of me.

Nothing at all.

When I moved to Boston and the women kept telling me over and over how beautiful I was. I looked at them with the crazy face. Someone just asked me a week ago was I full black. Another look of crazy.

I mean my childhood best friend was quick to remind me how beautiful my mother was and scrunch up her face like “why you don’t look like her?”

Oh well. I appreciate me now. I love the woman I see. I just wish she would stop sabotaging her happiness.

Cause this one I love for real. For keeps. A first for me. There have always been options. This past week showed me that. What good is an option if you have to settle?

I mean material things can be gained. I know. And money won’t buy happiness. I really know that. But settle for someone who won’t intrigue my mind and motivate me to be a better woman.

Not an option.

See my reckless mouth has always been a problem. But this is the first time I have felt bad about it and reached out to reconcile. Reached out before the event was forgotten. I can’t help the only child in me wants what she wants. So I try to push the situation into a place time had not prepared it for. But the choice of not having it at all?

That’s too much to bear.

My ex. One of three men I was in a relationship with was my best friend first. He loved me so much he was willing to let me find my happiness without him if I were going to be unhappy with him.

I get it now. Finally. Love does not seek its own selfish pursuits. I finally get it. I am here to be a servant. To bear seed. To share my life experiences the things that I have learned. It may not look like I have much to show for my 33 years. Yet, the knowledge I carry inside. The love I have to give my daughter not willing to pursue material things while leaving our relationship lacking is more valuable than any material possession I’ve ever had.

Material things are not guaranteed. But matters of the heart last a lifetime or two or three. Depending on who you share it with.

So. I give. I can no longer hold onto pride. Sade said it best. Love is stronger than pride. So I lay it down in a desire to be better. Being the best woman I can be is the only way I can encourage the man God sends me to be a better version of himself.

I am supposed to be a helpmate after all. Right?

So no. I will never be perfect. I will strive for better than yesterday. I will mess up. But I can humble myself in forgiveness.

And isn’t that what its all about anyway? Being pruned. While being purged. Because what is not on my branch now can grow later.

As long as I stay on the vine. Close to the vine dresser. Its all a choice. I’ve always had options.

This time I will choose more wisely. Letting the old die away. So the new can emerge and introduce the real me. I mean I have never been who they said I was anyway. My Father does not make mistakes. The enemy tried to label me but I am only who my Father says I am. Whom Lord Jesus reminds me I am.

Daily when I finish supplicating. When the word is a constant reminder.

I mean its really that sime. So I am waiting. So is she!

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