I find myself doing the Lots wife thing when I am afraid of moving forward. I pretend as if I am strong enough to go back and get the ones I was assigned to get, once I get my strength, because I am too fearful of dealing with myself. What I have learned is that if I am not ready to help them grow because I turn back to them too soon, I continue to grow and people stay stagnant stuck in the place I left them so when I turn back with no strength to pour into them I realize how we have nothing much in common. 

But fear is paralyzing.

Stagnation is comforting and the thought of moving forward without the ones my heart longs for is daunting. I mean don’t I need these people that have been such an intricate part of my growth process.

I fail to recognize the anchor they really are. The anchor they become when I fail to walk into the authority God has given me. When I speak life into those hurting they grow like roses from concrete because with God all things are possible.  

For the past month I felt so heavy. I didn’t know where the pull was coming from so I had to shake everyone. As soon as I did that I ran five miles straight no stopping. I began to get my apartment and life in order and I was able to stay true to my clean eating.

Sounds like I made some moves.

I have decided that if a person won’t come up to my level I cannot stoop to theirs. Its in that moment of stooping that I get pulled down into the mess of others and who is there to pull me out? It seems like as soon as I get there I am getting kicked in my back, and I cant do anything besides look up at the person like really? I been here through all your mess and as soon as I get into something as a result of you not handling your business you throw me under the bus.

So your true colors are revealed. I knew I was ignoring something. I just never wanted to believe that’s what I was seeing.

Its hard for people to love another when they don’t love themselves. The only reason I keep on saying this is because that was my story. I couldn’t understand how someone was able to love me when I saw nothing I should really be loving about my own self. So I definitely had no love to share with others.

Word. So I had someone come at me about being farther along than I at my age. 

I paused. You think so? Do you even know me? Can you know what’s in my heart? Are you basing this on material things? Well let me see. At your age I had my own place no roommate. I had never lived with a man. I had just left my career where my pay was more than enough to pay for rent in Boston where the lowest rent for a one bedroom was eight hundred and fifty dollars, but I had just gotten the hook up from my friend’s cousin the apartment manager who gave me my studio for a little less than seven hundred dollars a month. That favor yo. Mind you this was 2006. So yes that was still steep. I had no children. I had one degree and working on my second. See the low blows that life hit me with was supposed to throw me off track and kill me. Literally. But I let God be God. Let Him bring me to a safe place. I am still standing after every fall. But I watched this naysayer of negativity nearly unravelling when the realness of life started pummeling against him. I get it. See while I had things. I had no peace of mind. The things I avoid now were constants in my life back then as I sought to avoid my reality. Now things don’t move me. My peace of mind is priceless.

See I knew the many times life hit him. I knew he was a conqueror. I knew he was truly a Victor. Overcoming many battles and many knockdowns never letting the one two punch knock him out completely. I saw his strength. I knew fear, that God doesn’t give us, had gripped him again. Probably to push him into the arms of a person that will prevent him from getting to his destiny while pushing him away from the one God sent for him. See what’s worth having is always a lot of work and effort. Sometimes the grind is so real people roll for about seven days to stay awake to get all they can. So I can’t help but wonder why he fall asleep on us? Why he stop fighting for what his heart longs for?

Because when real life hit me I had two options fold up and give in or fight back.

I chose to fight back.

I mean some people love to kick you when you down because they are intimidated by your strength. They are intimidated by your drive. They would rather blow smoke in the wind, sit on their behinds too lazy to do anything worth mentioning. But that wasn’t him. So I couldn’t understand why he was associating with it.

I know about the easy way. Not firsthand. But I’m a storyteller. A relayer of events I remember accounts better than most. You know the things that constitute a prostitute. Young men using their bodies to get women to relinquish cars, money and keys to doors that stay open to men that would rather make pimping a woman their other job than getting out there and working for real. Yeah. I can’t. I mean they say pride comes before the fall, but my pride would never let me exchange my body for resources. I remembered. That was the first man I loved in my youth. I hoped I was not being reintroduced.

I. Just. Can’t.

So. I’m in make me better mode and I am waiting for the exercise class to begin. Someone catches my eye. There are not too many that make me take a second glance. But he was fine. Beautiful. Handsome. Whatever he was I was sure he was used to the attention. 

6’4. Bright as my daughter. Slim physique. He said he played ball. I could see he stayed conditioned as he kept pulling up his shirt to show me his six pack. 

One thing I know is that when a person is willing to put in work on their own self they are willing to put in work with another. So he starts a conversation. I can barely get my words out. He’s amused. I explain that he is so handsome he is taking my words and breath away. He laughs openly. The exchange begins.

See I find out that not only does he play ball but he plays college ball with dreams of playing overseas. Dream big. That’s right. GPA over 3.0, working three jobs. I can dig it. While I am still standing on not dating until I feel like I am ready to give love to another its nice to know that I’ve got options. 

I mean who wants to settle. Maybe the lazy unwilling to put in effort or work. But if I’m running/walking 24 plus miles a week in addition to my other stuff I am always willing to work. So why shouldn’t I have someone with the same mindset?

So here I am. I’m looking forward. I know I have not been given a spirit of fear. I have decided to forget about what lies behind. Straining forward to what lies ahead and press on toward the goal. I will no longer remember the former things nor consider the things of old. The Lord my God is doing a new thing in me. I am a new creature in Christ, and that does not mean that I am perfect. It just means I strive to be better than who I used to be. If you don’t know who I used to be, you may judge me in who I am now because you probably couldn’t imagine how bad it used to be, but if you knew Rae-Rae you are surely sitting in shocked amazement waiting for the phase to past.

Thank you Lord. You did it. You are still doing it. I am thankful. Its not a phase but a strong desire to be better tomorrow than what I was yesterday. Letting go of what once hurt and those who are quick to put me down instead of lifting me up. Letting go so hard and heavy that my appreciation for their abandonments outweigh my complaints. Maybe one day they will sit at my table like Josephs family did his after coming to Egypt in the middle of a famine.  

So I purge. Find solace in isolation and enjoy my time alone. Giving my heart the opportunity to heal. Nothing stays the same forever. So I learn flexibility in not being stuck in one mindset but like a river willing to flow.

I know it will not be easy, but through all the departures of man I know I can trust in my Father to never leave me nor forsake me. If I continue to allow Him to be light to my path I won’t take any wrong direction, His one direction will give me fresh songs to sing when I thought I needed a muse for my prose. I was wrong. I thought I needed someone. I realize now I need no one but God. He will supply my every need. If it be what I want, so be it. If not, oh well. I’m still trusting God.

So my faith grows. I used to believe the sun can’t shine without Radiance. No I know its is through the Son that I am given my splendor. It is the light of God reflected through me. So I grow stronger. Believing in what I can’t see and willing to push ahead anyway. 

See the foundational understanding of life is, we can always modify, but never stop moving.


2 thoughts on “Modifications not excuses and justifications

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