I would have never believed it. I didn’t. So I guess that’s why I didn’t take care of it.

I heard everyone at every turn telling me to look for a particular person.

It was my first semester at the University of Illinois at Chicago. I thought I had it all under control until blow one hit me. Hit me hard.

I wasn’t checking for anyone after that.

Somehow though he ended up on my path. Somehow I ended up loving him. Somehow I wound up drying his tears the day he thought we were through. Somehow we wound up saying vows to one other.

Somehow we wound up breaking them.

I’ll never forget looking up at the voice asking me was I sure I wanted to let our love story end like this. Bitterness and pride had settled in my heart.

Yes I was sure.

Heads held down in low conversation. He always was my friend. From his superhero stint of saving me from my oppressor. From the words of life he spoke into my dying spirit. From the homework assignments he would complete for me since he had already been through the class and passed the tests. He had elevated to the big league. He was pursuing his Masters. From the club scene we would visit on Fridays. The look in the eyes of the girl who wanted my position, not even knowing how big a title I had, when he told me to dance. Show them how its done. And I worked the floor as did he gleam in our eyes.

For the first time sharing my body was allowed. It was legal. He was not but our acts of love transcended our cultural differences.

And I loved him.

He loved me.

The look of hurt in his eyes when I gave back his mother’s ring.

Yes. He loved me.

I just didn’t know how to love me. I needed help. I needed something. Something besides being submersed in our ownselves forgetting an outside world existed. Something besides those rainy days bundling up with him forgetting how his athletic body was supposed to be taking control of a field as his footwork commanded attention and his athleticism was up to par with his intelligence.

He was the perfect package.

He was mine. He was not. But he was. He knew it.

See there is something about having everything you have ever dreamed of that makes you almost forget how long you’ve wanted it and sabotage the one thing that will break down the barriers holding one back from greatness.

He was my key.

That’s why almost everyone I talked to told me he was who I needed to be in contact with. See before my relationship with God became a personal one He would use people to lead me on the path He has for me. If I avoided my enemy. If I avoided the same people that had never been any good for me I would have experienced success.

But like I said. Its something so daunting about getting what you really want so the need to lessen its value becomes so real that it then is easy to walk away from what makes our hearts skip a beat and our smiles come alive. So self sabotage takes over.

All last year still trying to develop my personal relationship I had so many people get on my work vehicle telling me about the grief counseling they were taking. I would hear and disregard. I mean I can do this on my own. The same way I didn’t need the man everyone kept saying to get in contact with. But I do. So when the announcement came about a grief counseling for motherless daughters. I knew.

I would never be able to give this love I have on the inside to anyone until I deal with losing the most important figure of love I have ever touched in my lifetime.

See I gave back my ring. I shut down my capacity for love. It might have become my ring if I had allowed the covenant we had made between God, he and I. But I kept putting me first.

I forgot about a purpose bigger than either one of us.

I forgot about God.

I forgot about love.

I forgot about my friend.

See he was my friend. He was my friend first. Months of sharing our struggles and trials we had overcome gave us that title before any paper gave us any rights to believe we were supposed to be anything more than exactly that.

Friends first. Friends forever.

I miss my friend. I want to apologize to my friend. I want his forgiveness.

So I shake fear. I see doors opening. I just have to be diligent about walking through them. I have to forego pride. Making amends for my wrongs.

I tell you that’s no easy task.

But for a piece of mind I can’t buy. It surely is worth it.

Someone said to me recently. It’s hard to move on when you always regret one. Boy is that the truth. But stagnancy is crippling.

All I know is people that make you feel like you can fly when you don’t even know where the wings would come from don’t come around too often.

Often times we let our pride, fear, ego, and past prevent us from being who we are destined to be.

Which is great.

We are all destined to be great.

So the question is how long will it take before I allow my Mordecai to get me ready and create a new inner aesthetic to prepare me for one night that will change my life.

Because our destinies are connected to more than we could imagine.

I hope the man whose last name I wouldn’t take has allowed the freedom of forgiveness to settle into his heart. He is such a great leader. I watched him. I was supposes to be the half to help him be better. But when he asked me to choose I chose the wrong choice.

Such is life.

We live. We learn. We pray in earnest that when we get our next chance we will make the right decisions.

It won’t be like this always. Love won’t wait forever. So. We build on the positives.

I am getting the help I need finally. That way I can be a helpmate for real. Tuesday starts the first session. Isn’t it amazing how God has a way of putting everything we need right on our paths.

So we take it and run. You’d be surprised how much you can soar with eagles when you stop perching with pigeons.


One thought on “I vow to do right next time

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