On book covers

It’s amazing how we are all walking around in this world like a Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise movie.

Eyes wide shut.

I haven’t seen it since it came out in ’99 but I think it was about how people walk around and don’t even notice what is right in front of them.

That’s how we are today with these phones in our hands.

Directors always tell us what is on societies agenda for the common folk. They feel so many are too clueless to notice something right under their nose.

But how many movies showed those twin towers falling??

Okay enough with the conspiracy speech.

I on the other hand decided to open my eyes.

It was actually thrown at me. My phone could not be charged. Some how I misplaced my charger. Probably the same way I misplaced the earrings that came with my pretty bracelet.

I figured had I not been all on IG, FB, or texting I would have known. I would have known had I been willing to pay attention.

So here I am no phone. These Galaxy’s only charge with Samsung cords so now I am off to Verizon to pay for a new charger. In the meanwhile I went three days no FB IG or phone communication.

I had come to enjoy my  electronic fast that I decided to do it until after church, besides I was tired and felt my introverted nature could be fed with some alone time.

Little did I know I was going to allow my Eyes to be opened to see that the gospel fest was this weekend. Only in my obedience to get on this public transportation instead of taking care of the car could I see that this summer will have many options and outlets of fun for little to no cost.

So. Stress free. No internet drama. I have no drama. Reading other peoples rants and shady no shade posts is draining. Anyway having no anchorage allowed me the opportunity to get up for my service. 11:30 is mine. I just be visiting with the 1:30. Or so I thought.

I get what I need. Pastor preached on being a seed sower. On being a giver. If I don’t know how to do anything else I have been a giver. Only to prove the only child theory wrong. In the beginning. Now when God says give. I release.

He talked about the talents. The one who had one buried his. The one who had two got two more and the last one with five received five more plus the one talent of the buried treasure guy.

So in teaching us how to sow Pastor had us all take a dollar out. He had it exchange hands a few times. At the 11:30 service I had nothing returned to me. Pastor said well praise God anyway for what’s to come. So I did.

Now truth be told I didn’t want to stay for 1:30 service. I heard God tell me to stay. So I stayed.

During the same dollar demonstration I gave another dollar but this time I ended the demonstration with something different than I did in the 11:30 service. Plus a woman who was so caught up in praising God received a financial blessing as people ran over to throw money in her direction.

No one knows why God chose her. He rewards his faithful.

So. I’m charged. I’m in a good place. the praise and heavy God feeling was high afterwards. I love the high happy feeling i get after praising God realo good andd he sits heavy on my heart. So of course I’m more than ready to go to the gospel fest after church. The blessings keep coming. I have not been released to talk about them as of yet, however my daughter and I had such a beautiful time that I lay in my bed now with praises on my lips and a content smile on my face.

See I could have ignored what God wanted me to do caught up in internet reminders of a past life. Exes going places that our last encounter together had us going the same place and sent me on a suicide mission eight years ago. Self destruction was the motto.

But I’ve changed.

As I sat and talked to the Lady at the gospel fest she was quick to say how sweet I am.

I chuckled and shook my head.

To God be the Glory. Nobody did this but him. Who I used to be and who I am now is like a total 180. Like Tye Tribbett spoke on repentance. Yes I was sorry for the way I used to live. So I showed God my repentance by changing. The devil thought he had me! i jumped high when that song came on. I know that story first hand. But I got delivered. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t do this unless Jesus presents me to the Father and as my High Priest prays for me to present my sacrifices to the Father. I can’t get this without first going through the Son. I mean He did tell us He is the light of the world and whomever is with Him will not walk in darkness.

I digress, or elevate. Either way the lady smiled. I didn’t give her the long soliloquy. I just Gave God the glory and continued enjoying my night.

When it was time to leave had I been on my phone I world have missed the green line transfer from thirty fifth. I made a friend on that track because the phone was not taking my attention away. And when I got on my next transfer the guy with the spikes and black clothing that I started a conversation with asked where was I coming from and me talking about the gospel fest opened him up to declare he is a believer.

The music artist he left me with as he missed his stop and got off at mine brought tears to my eyes when I finally got home to break my electronic fast.

The title alone. Army of the Lord.

I mean who is to say who is approved or denied by God except for Jesus himself. Not man. Not deeds or feigned piety.

So no to judging a book by it’s cover. The man in all black called my daughter mija as if he knew her personally. The love in his voice was endearing. He did not scare me. Most people do not. We all have a story.

Again as I say repeatedly. My only assignment to maintain is to love my neighbor as myself. That’s what the man in all black reinforced that movement would break down so many barriers. Yes.

I have sown. I have sacrificed.

But what does that matter if I don’t love the one next to me. And what happens if I can’t ever see them because I am trapped in my own world. I am thankful.  My eyes have finally been opened. Rain gone. Lord reign on me.

See I tell you bout these latter days.

Yes. Thank you Lord. He has and will continue to be good to me!

What’s love got to do with it

My ex used to tell me what’s love got to do with it all the time.

I couldn’t understand at the time.

Now I do.

How can a loveless generation accept something they don’t understand?

They think things are the key to a foundation of happiness. Forgetting or never knowing their history that in slavery times when freedom rang men would walk through States to get to his wife and hope his kids were with her. See that wife was whom he had covenant with.

The word says he will leave his father and mother. Love her as Christ did the church. See Jesus gave his life for the church and for a man to love his wife like that is no wonder why in slavery times men walked through brimstone and hot water to get to the one they longed for.

And here this generation discarding women like loose ends on toilet paper. Frayed and misused, getting what they need and using selfish ambitions to emotionally abuse.

Lost in confusion. One day he may say, I’m looking to be a husband. Then two days later you know I’m not sure I want a relationship.

Well well well.

Hopefully women are guarded up like chastity belt wearer’s not allowing those double minded and unsure to penetrate their guards or stab their spirits to leave them lost and wandering to and fro too dumbfounded to get up and pursue dreams and wondering what exactly does the man really mean.

I mean when you’re not sharing your body with someone it makes it easier to accept that he’s just not that into you to go ahead and sit back to allow the one true director to cast you alongside your leading guy.

Your heavenly Father. He knows the plans He has for you. To prosper, not to fail.

See I thought I was in love.

I realize now that it’s best to fall back. I pause for a praise break. In my Tye Tribbett voice, the devil thought he had me. Had I succumbed to my flesh I’d be lying in bed crying instead of preparing for four a.m. prayer, and thinking of the next workout I am going to write for myself and the endless possibilities my future holds.

Thank you Jesus.

Whom the Son sets free in free indeed.

Me going back to fornication after being delivered from it would be like walking back to a plantation saying yes I know you beat me up, lied to me, took my valuable time and life and kept me from my husband but I want to be back here with y’all.

Some did it. Don’t get me wrong.

I just know that I was set free for something great.

So I wait.

I love, but what good is love when it won’t be reciprocated because someone stays with the mindset I’ll find better, she’ll have more things and I’ll have more to brag about. Instead of the man looking for the inner woman and her potential to help him grow to be the best man he can be.

Yes. That might be tough firmness. That might mean he can’t get away with unacceptable behavior. That may mean he is held accountable for his actions.

See the only way we get better is to face what we have been and understand who we are becoming.

I felt the love of God as someone embraced me and reminded me. He let my tear streaked face linger on his shoulder as I released some more tears. I had just finished crying to God telling Him who I no longer wanted to be. And as that man spoke life to remind me of who I was becoming I realized I never in my life have released tears on the shoulder of a man. I’ve been too hard core for that.

But I look at the woman I’m becoming. I was designed to be dainty and delicate. Gracious and soft. Life hardened me. Then others come along and tell me get over it. Toughen up. Nobody else has to so I will stop being who man wants to depict me as and be who God designed me to be.

I’ve been through too many things to just sit around and act as if I’m peachy. Some days are awesome. Others I praise my way through. Either way. I must have a strong man to carry me through. So when he comes looking for me based on his response to the test of my emotions will I know if I should press forward.

I mean yes. I finally get it. Love all. But what does my love for someone that doesn’t love me have to do with anything?

Happy Birthday Mommy Dear

Today my mommy would have been 55 years old. Often mistaken as my sister I am quite sure she still would not have looked her age.

She was life.

When I was unsure of what was the next step in my own here she comes to speak life into me to remind me of how amazing and wonderful I was. She always believed in me no matter what I wanted to do for myself. She knew. Whatever I set my mind to do I could do.

She was love.

The gentle way she would handle those that were willing to accept her love brought a smile to their faces. I couldn’t get past who she used to be to accept that everyone changes for the better to appreciate the love she gave to the Bostonians she got close to. But when people remember her they remember her giving spirit, her loving disposition.

She was laughter.

She would spend time putting together quips and jokes to make us laugh. She lived to love to see a smile on the faces of those she knew so she kept the good times rolling. Often times I would meet up with her just to head over to Whole Foods or Marshalls to make up for the time I took for granted in my teens. She was a riot.

She was the life of the party.

My grandma says she and my father would ride in his drop top her blonde Afro peaking out the top to the party of their choosing where they would tear up the dance floor not getting off until the lights came on. Their joy was infectious, and the fun was contagious. Everyone was trying to catch on. She taught me to step just so we could create our own party at home when she felt like doing her two step and no one else could keep up with her.

She is me.

See rarely allowing me to let another get close to me made me mamas baby. As she rested in her hospice bed she clapped her hands together as if to say chop, chop. So I immediately go to her to see what she needs. She asks me to perform. Since the pieces arent connecting, I’m looking puzzled. She says it again, with strength and determination.

So I do.

Six minutes of poetry later she looks pleased and says.

“Now show me you can do more with your life besides drinking and smoking it away.”

The perk of being my best friend meant I hid nothing from her. I mean I never really needed women in my life when I had my mommy. Regardless to how I lived my life she was always my biggest fan.

So I will. I grabbed her hand and promised her I would be okay. She could let go now, since I would be okay.

And I am.

I spent the Eve of her birthday laughing to comedic hilarity, socializing with someone who shares the same birthday as me often throughout the night saying or doing what I was about to say and do before I did.

I decided not to focus on what wasn’t, or who wasn’t and just enjoy.

Life is for the living. It is meant to be lived right?

So to my monny. I can’t complain about you not being here because the time I had with you far exceeded any expectation. The pain of the past becomes a distant memory when you begin to enjoy what’s in front of you. Letting go of fear to find a sobering state of mind. Yes. I will perform. The role I have been given is Radiance’s life. Who better to play this part than I.

So happy birthday mummy as the New Englanders call mothers. You’d be surprised by the changes I’ve made and the beautiful and smart granddaughter you never got to meet. We are happy and well, carrying on the things you placed within.

So the drinking and smoking which was once my anchor is no longer. After I left the poetry set Saturday night the chorus just came and the poem followed shortly. Ignoring the urging of the man sitting next to me to continue singing I wrote to perform.

Because I will. Be everything God called me to be. Thankful for what I’ve been given and what I’ve learned. Thankful for the mother who negated the negativity that flourished around me. She was a class in and of itself.

That’s why I live today to never fit in but to stand out apart and if that’s alone so be it. Its better to stand in approval of God than man any day.

So cheers. To a class act in a world where she brought the grace. I’m thankful she was the woman who raised me. Forever dearly loved her memory can never be erased!

On waiting for dreams to come true

He has revealed himself to me. He held out his hand. He told me I was to be his. I just looked on in disbelief.

Show me.

Get your strength up and show me.

It was a room of all white. I cannot get the look of love in his eyes out of my mind. No one has ever looked at me like that. He was not interested in what my body could do for him. He was interested in how I had made him and would continue to make him a better man.

It was a series of dreams.

They came continuously.

Even though we have barely had any conversations in real life.

But dreams do come true. I believe I just may be closer to mine.

See it’s not even about me anymore. I never considered myself important enough to be protected by my provider, and covered by my blessing. So I always treated the ones that treated me good bad, and the bad ones good.

I mean who in their right mind continuously tries to gain the attention of someone who pays them no nevermind?

I mean is chivalry so dead that a conversation via text can be overlooked by a person that claims they care.

I guess words are not deeds and actions really tell you everything. The true story.

See its only after one is released from their fears that they can allow themselves to wait for what is truly for them. All too often I have seen women watch their peers get married and allow the first person to show serious interest in them after a life of too few serious intentions and allow that man to make them their wife. They see signs unbefitting a king and know they will not be the only one sharing that queens seat. Yet let the man stay anyway.

No. Fear cannot hold me.

If my Boaz is not here I won’t be tricked into getting into anything with any of his relatives. You know em.

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Yeah. In that order.

So many of us become afraid that we will end up alone that we settle for the one that is not going to sing of his love for us as mentioned in the song of Soloman.

So as I wait to be noticed, it’s not my job nor my responsibility to let him know he should choose me. I don’t have to buy his affection. I don’t need to make him see me. I don’t need to be in his face. I don’t have to run after him. He will send for me.

In waiting. I get to know me. What do I like? What makes me tick? What causes my heart to skip a beat? What puts the groove under my feet?

See at the end of the day I have to be me. Anyone else will cause deception to creep into my marriage early as I pretend to be someone else in order to get what I think I want when in actuality I don’t even know myself.

So. As the apostle Paul mentioned sometimes it is better to be unmarried. If I can focus on what God has called me to do it is well while I am in this state.

See all I want for my life is the will of God.

I’ve seen how my wills turn out. Leaving a life lacking inheritance as I gave away all my goodness to those who never deserved me.

So I find joy in singleness.

I hang with my sisters. I laugh and crack jokes. I sing songs to the top of my lungs. I prepare for the one school I have been anticipating for over a year now. I go places for the pleasure and enjoyment of my daughter. See my time is split between God and my daughter. I enjoy that for the time being.

So I just wait on God. Nothing forced ever fits.

On that note I sing my tune a melody written for the Lord and bask in the praise I give Him daily.

Let all things be done for the glory of God. I mean my life is not my own anyway. So I just check my attitude adjustment and make due with what I have.

Soon and quite soon it will all be paid in full!

Mousecapades

Me and Mickey fickey have never been friends.

I didn’t care how many cones he wore on top of his head the thin tail sticking out of his shorts made him by nature part of a clan I don’t mess with.

Rodents. Ech!!

I could remember as a child even in my mother’s spotless home the mouse dying in my view. So awakening out of my sleep I turned over to see a lifeless figure in my hallway and scream bloody murder.

Fast forward a teenager. I heard it rustling. I put my feet up. He ran up my legs. Just go head and stick a fork in me. The scream I emitted was enough to make the blood do what milk would after sitting in July heat for two weeks.

That’s right. I curdled a couple of pints that day.

I never got past it. Even when I had my own place. I never let a man live with me for extended periods. Visit and go. So when the mouse decided to die in front of the step going into my bathroom I ran to my bed covered my head, called my boyfriend who put his key in the lock and laughed at me lovingly.

Yes. He came to my rescue.

Fast forward. Today. Well now, yesterday. I saw it. Fattest guy I had seen. The building is old. I don’t keep enough food in my house to get a mouse like that. I knew he was a visitor, not a resident. But he was dead under my chair.

I began to think of who I could call. One cousin upstairs. One cousin below. My uncle underneath him. Or wait until granddad gets home from work.

Yes my seventy six year old grandfather still works twelve hour shifts but that’s another story.

All these men around and I decide to get it up myself.

Eeeeeeeeeek.

I couldn’t even scream. I was on the phone with someone I needed to make a good impression on.

I heard a voice in my head say what are you afraid of? Its already dead.

In that I realized. God has not given me a spirit of fear. Anything I am afraid of is already dead.

Take that past.

You’re already dead. That which came to keep me bound by fear is already dead.

It died so I could live.

I scooped that sucker in a box so fast and got rid of him. All unwanted pests have to be removed.

See I allowed someone in my inner circle because of the things I was fearful of. Fearful of pests, and fearful of being alone.

Yes I have combatted and overcome both.

I am victorious.

I have defeated my enemies by overcoming my fears. Just that simple. Who would’ve thought it would be just that simple?

It is. Combat fears to walk in victory. See the real win. Learn from losses just don’t wallow in them.

See the only way to soar with eagles is to overcome a fear of heights. The only way to get up is to accept that imperfect people fall. The only way to gain is to release. See in order to gain you must give.

A sacrifice.

See I gave up my fear and gained a feeling of authority and dominion.

Yes Lord you have given me power to tread. So I let not anything come to overtake me.

Walking with purpose to my destiny. No fear can hinder me. No pests can bother me.

I do what I must and have faith that everything becomes exactly what it’s supposed to.

A Proper Lady

TheReporterandTheGirlMINUSTheSuperMan!

I spent this weekend going through old crap and memories, until I found a book that I had not seen in years, it was an etiquette guide book, that was given to me when I went to a modeling school here in the city.

Now that I think about it, it was more of a finishing school.
finishing school, the reporter and the girl, S.C Rhyne, interracial blog, barbizon, modeling
The booked talked about etiquette over the phone, dinner parties, and other social interactions.

Thus, part of me began to wonder when did I stray from the path of becoming a proper young woman?

Somewhere in the last 15 years or so; I stopped playing piano and abandoned any aspirations of continuing a professional path with it, I started biting my nails and skin to the point of Dermatillomania, and this guy has a better posture than me:
hunchback, etiquette, the reporter and the girl, ScRhyne
The idea of course, of being a proper young lady, is that you are more…

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Who do you believe in?

There is a big difference between letting go of someone who hurts you and the one whom it hurts to let go of.

My walk with Christ began on shaky ground. I just knew I had been praying for three months straight that God guide and lead me to Him. He led me straight to a home where a lady directed me to this new life.

See He knew the way I had been brainwashed to believe I should never set foot in a church I never would’ve. My mother was pregnant with me when introduced to the religion I was raised in. The man that my mother trusted the most in the organization demanded my mother stay away from my father even though everytime I saw my dad, almost, he was begging my mom to marry him.

My father could never understand it. He tore up Bibles trying to figure out how my mother could believe the doctrines that kept her from allowing me to get to know the people who would’ve explained to me how God worked. My family.

I mean how could she follow the leading of the Holy Spirit when she believed Jesus was an Angel? Clearly Hebrews 1 refutes that. But like she sat intently listening not asking the questions that would cause one to be labeled in this organization. I mean had she not been so blinded maybe she would’ve been able to walk into her healing. Walk into her healing like God has shown me His hand still isnt too short. Still nothing is impossible for him. Maybe she would have been willing to get  chemotherapy to kill cancerous cells instead of allowing an herbalist to lie to her repeatedly.

I mean the last lie I heard for myself as this herbalist told my mother the cancer was gone out of her breast. Completely.

We believed until walking into a hospital by my forceful nature had the doctor tell my mom her body was over 90% full of cancerous cells.

Yes. It was too late and she had been bamboozled again.

Yes. That herbalist lady was part of the same organization as my mother.

Anyway. The stronghold of that religion still keeps me reluctant to share. I mean the son of the man who with his loud opinions kept my mother from my father asked me how could I be going to church like this? Did I forget everything we were taught?

No I have an excellent long term memory aside from traumatic events. I remember, so now I just test those doctrines against the spirit of God and read pure unadulterated word. No books necessary. My eyes have been opened. When God shows you something because of your willingness to listen with a child-like heart free from your own assumptions you can really learn something. I mean he really does take the foolish things to confound the wise. See like the scribes were masters of the law they could not understand the things that Jesus was saying because he said his words were spirit and life.

I mean coming from where I come from it would be hard to get ahold of a spirit sent by God the Father to those who have been approved by Jesus when He is constantly being called an Angel.

Does not the word tell us to watch out for those who speak of a different Jesus and a different gospel.

So quick story.

My last conversation with the men in this organization they said I had to be removed. My history and track record of fornication said that I was not repentant.

Oh but I was. I tried to get a hold of my flesh, but every time I placed myself in close quarters my flesh became weak.

Oh what a wretched woman I am. When I try to do what is right what is bad is present with me.

I needed the Spirit of God. How could I receive it when I was calling His Son an Angel?

So Friday. I needed something. I asked someone to be of assistance. He obliged.

Oh. Did I forget to mention I am in love with him. He’s said he’s in love with me too. He’s from my past. I had to let him go to walk with Christ. But my heart longs for the one I love.

No. My real love is not commonplace. So I’ve only ever felt this feeling once before. But how can two walk together unless they agree on the direction. The first guy didn’t believe Jesus was the son of God. I couldn’t. I oscillated like a fan in the middle of summer for nine years though. Back to him and away. Saying no was not an option.

Until I had a personal encounter with Jesus. Friday the man only the second in my lifetime for me to feel this way about tells me, I would have never thought you would say no to me so many times.

That wasn’t me. No good thing lies in my flesh. But my spirit began changing the tunes of the beat I had always marched to.

Wales, Bad.

Now I just want to be good. Pleasing to God. See 1 John 3: 7 says he who does what is right is righteous. That is Gods word. Did I flee from fornication? Not as fast as Joseph did from Potiphers wife, but still I did not commit it. That is not my outer appearance as many are quick to judge me by but my heart. My desire to please God, by following His commands.

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I could not stop moving and thanking God at ten and eleven o’clock hours of twelve hour prayer. Yes. This was a fresh start. I did not let my flesh take over my spirit. I knew those three months I cried out to God in my Jay-,Z voice saying, this can’t be life. He showed me there was much more than what I thought existed. See I may be a babe number wise in this walk but oh yes. I am finally growing up.

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So. Letting go of the one I love because he is not ready to follow Christ is the hardest thing to do. No he doesn’t curse me out, call me names, or hurt me. He doesn’t mislead me. He just doesn’t love God the way I do. So I can’t hold on.

Does it hurt. Like hell. Do I want to do it? My flesh stays into it with my spirit. No I don’t want to, but how can I say I trust God when I’m holding onto something that will eventually wind up leading me away from Him? Leading me away from sitting down in the kingdom God planned for me to have when He placed the gifts He placed inside of me.

So how did I do it? I stopped living in my sinful nature. Got a patch for the squares, left my trees to blow in the wind. Began to die daily.

See something’s won’t go except by prayer and FASTING!

So I did. Frequently.

And won’t He do it. God showed me new doors to walk into. Gave me new acquaintances and new family. Is giving my heart a new capacity for love. Now I don’t want nor expect. I just wait patiently on the Lord. I know He knows what’s best for me and in due season will bring it in. The way it’s supposed to be had and when I am ready.

So to the names my former organization calls me preventing former friends from even engaging in a polite hello. Man condemns and humiliates. God redeems and forgives. God says there will come a time when his worshippers will worship in spirit and truth.

This Spirit that I presented my body as a living sacrifice for has helped me to live a totally different lifestyle than I did in the past. Forget talking about failures. I celebrate my triumphs. Because DIDN’T NOBODY DO THIS BUT GOD!

So who and what do you believe in?

On fresh starts…

I used to look like this R & B singer.

Maybe I was fearless in many aspects but was afraid of loving someone willing to love me back.

I probably would have been better busting windows out cars with the way I would get dudes back.

Oh you wan’ try and mek a fool outta mi?

I never laughed last. I was too busy hurting over the fact that my acts of revenge caused me to lose repeatedly someone that meant a lot to me. No one else could ever compare, so I let good dudes slip while I’d allow transgressions to slide by the man who could not do right by me.

It’s OK. I still love him. Tremors of butterflies when he LMS. Almost like a superstar. I feel like Kanye did it, and his wave is probably better surfboard action than the man with the big ego.

Yes. That is my first love. Used to call him the love of my life.

Between him and hip hop I finally had a friend.

Being bold was never a problem for me. A late night meet and greet gave him the option of getting my number before I got off the bus. I told him. If you’re going to ask for my number after all this small talk then do it before the next stop because that’s my stop and I’m getting off. No pen or paper committed my number to memory and as soon as he got off the bus he was dialing to make sure.

The next few months left me head over heels. Or maybe the other way around. Regardless fifteen years ago I felt I found a better half of me.

See he showed me poetry. Black notebooks with silver ink as we shared emotions neatly sometimes not politely.
Our eyes were watching God as he opened the door to my heritage of American literature written by a black woman.

I wonder if the woman that grew up on Madison and Laramie, west side of Chicago would have become an African American studies major after leaving Lane Tech her second semester of freshman year, whose mind was only money motivated had this man never touched my heart. Touched my mind and touched my outlook on life.

He taught me how to question the religion I once believed was the truth. I began searching for relationship with God.

We enjoyed life. Long standing with favor had me calling into radio stations to win Jilly from philly tickets. He refused to stand in the long line bum rushed a spot and dared someone to say a thing. This was her breakout concert. We lived, we laughed, we loved.

There was a simple beauty in that.

The only problem was no one was able to live up to him so I never gave anyone a chance. Why would I want shallow like a shawl when he was comfy like a quilt?

No one was worth giving a chance.

I mean its hard to move on when you always regret one. Cause they don’t make me laugh or even cook like you, let’s face it.

I was never supposed to replace it.

My blue print was supposed to be improved upon to become a master plan.

Yes. He taught me. I am learning how to take my lesson and share with the next set of students. This time I will. I aim to pass this test.

I can’t level up until I get off his chess board, because this queen wasn’t protected the way he knew when he met me I was supposed to be.

Now though.

Someone tells me I look like a gospel singer. Do I sing? Yes. I do.

See my name been changed. Last week I said goodbye to Rae, two times. I have been given a fresh start. I knew I would have to let go of the one I loved the most before I would open the door to the one who will love me the most.

So. To perfect cliché love stories. Anyway. Bad guys do go good. This first love of mine is living proof. Time and God can work miracles.

God will do it for my fresh start too. I believe.

He stood in a doorway waiting for me to decide to take his number, uniform crisp amd clean tugging the strings of my heart the way he still does. I finally want forever. If my wants don’t add up to what God knows I need then I’ll just take his best forego my assumptions and get ready for the best life.

Walking in obedience!

So to the old. I’ll always be one of your biggest fans. To the new. You MUST be mine. No more borrowed time. Or wallowing in feelings sad and blue. Bells on our feet no more shackles its time to dance. To our own beat in our own tune.

Yes there is a God. He will give you another chance. Your job is to stop looking towards what used to be to create what you want it to be. So will you take it?

Joy of the Lord is my strength

Have you ever just decided I want to be happy?

When that happens there might just be some people you thought you wanted in your life that somehow disappear.

Its like the happy code embedded deep inside of me recognizes the threat to its survival and pushes those not part of the program far away.

Yes. In order to get here I took the wrong path. A left turn. Which caused a man I used to love to do what was right for him.

I repented. Prayed. Sacrificed. A whole fifty dollars. It was a guilt offerring. He asked, I gave. Isn’t it amazing when we ask for our blessing we don’t know that something else was really waiting on us. Something inconceivable, something much better. See I had this beautiful diamond cross pendant for his daughter’s birthday. But treasure gets buried when we don’t do what we are supposed to do.

See I had to protect my happiness.

I realized that those caught up in their lives often times never get a chance to open their eyes to see what is right in front of them before it is too late and they lose the only thing that will ever care or will ever matter. Those who just sit back and let the world designate who they are but rarely rely on God to make things happen.

I mean. We forget to ask God His opinion about the choices we make and sometimes take His silence for a yes.

When did God start needing man’s interpretations? He’s always been clear for the ones He wanted to hear.

I think of David.

A man after Gods own heart.

Was he perfect? Only one man walked, lived on this earth, and died in a perfect state.

Thats why I say Thank you Jesus. He didn’t have to. But he chose to.

But back to David.

He was about to kill Abigail’s husband because of his anger issues before he even made it to his kingdom. He lusted after someone else’s wife. Got her pregnant then put her husband on the front line for murder.

But he loved God. He danced so much Saul’s daughter called him a fool in so many words before the Lord. There was no hiding his affection for God.

Oh what a wretched man I am.

I am nothing without God.

I then think to Moses.

Pastor taught in a recent Bible study to remind us that Moses was a murderer. He had anger issues. He stayed up on the mountain all that time for the commandments and broke it all to pieces in his anger. He was still used by God.

If God required my perfection He would have made me that way from the beginning. He wants my worship, my repentance, and for me to plant seed.

That’s all I am. A seed sower.

I used to think I was such a babe in Christ. Because of when I accepted his hand in this walk. But I may falter and fall. See its easy to fall down. But do I get back up? Or let the enemy kick me by reminding me of all I do wrong because the enemy fails to do anything right?

No I walk. Everyone has negatives. Why would I only focus on mine when I have so many strengths. So many strengths. I could slay Goliath with my strengths. Break the jawbone of a lion with my strength.

So I will. I know this battle is not mine. The Lord fights for me. So really I feel sorry for anyone putting their lips on someone else. We know not who is special in the eyesight of God. I mean Miriam became a leper for a week because of what she had to say about Moses.

So. I. Will.

I will continue to walk. Continue to pray for all that hinders me but know that Gods divine time is the only time I can rely on.

Yes in that order. I accept the patience challenge and fall back because I know when I fall for God He is the only one that will catch me and put me back on right standing.

So I stand. Stand firm, unmovable. This faith walk sometimes keeps me standing still. Sometimes standing for order, and standing against those who make Gods out of nouns. You know. People, places, and things. So I stand knowing that in due season like cream I will rise to the occasion my Father in heaven cleaned me up and invited me to. I came as I was, He gave me my change of clothes and little by little He stripped the old me away.

I mean this past weekend He changed my name. As I did the Nay Nay, Raaah. I underwent the killing of Rae-Rae. Standing in for her now is Radiance J. What a pleasure to meet the me that had been in hiding all these years I examine victory. Its mine. Says the Lord so I stand tall so that I will stop falling for the things designed to hurt me.

Unlike Lady Gaga, I could never be in love with Judas

I had a conversation with my Judas recently.

I knew I would have to allow the kiss to come. Next comes the persecution so that this cross I have picked up will enable me to get to my destiny.

I mean I had been warned.

I saw her love of money and things.

Judas and his silver. It looked the same to me.

We had a conversation awhile back. I test people now a days. It’s only fair. I am being trained by the Most High. I let my words trail off when she and I were talking about Judas.

I said. I had the thought of Judas pop into my head and I looked over to see so and so…

I never let the thought finish that so and so let me know and didn’t even know she told me it was you.

It hit my spirit. I knew it was the one of Truth.

See the pure heart of a child never lies. I let my daughter pick people for me these days. She’s claimed her new father, and she chooses my friends. There are people she loves, and some that she pays no attention to.

I always pay more attention to those she pays no attention to. Especially when they are eager to tell me we are connected and I have heard nothing that they’ve heard. Yes. We may just be connected. Maybe it’s to see if I will finally pass the test of keeping those that are a wrecking ball to my purpose away from me.

I don’t want the test again. I’m tired of getting attached to the wrong people. I want my lifetime folk. I am ready to be done with the seasons and reasons.

So anyway. My Convo with Judas. Yes. I have a long standing history of disloyal women.

Forgive me. I sing Chris Brown’s song like I’m a dude. Only because I have seen. Smelled betrayal literally in the bed next to it. Heard the lies, and half truths. I mean my home was even robbed with the help of one. Her knowledge of my secret stash gave the inside job of my burglary a straight flush because the hand she gave them was the winning one.

Straight to the bank. Or pawn shop. Or whatever and wherever thieves go. I mean I watched her stuff clothes from department stores, just never thought she would turn on me.

Her heart became hardened like Pharoah. So I let God free me from the hands of my enemies.

Back to Judas.

See I had no issues with getting to where I need to be. I am a driver and driving, having a CDL, affords me the luxury of never having to worry about employment. If I were able to work right now, but I learned a lot while driving.

I pay attention to everything.

I play the space cadet, when my peripheral is mirroring the sights and signs I better not avoid.

I knew this was coming. I had been warned. So dear Judas.

Turn me over. I’m ready for my kingdom. Do your job so this caged bird can sing. A newfound freedom I’ve found. I’m now ready to walk into it.

I be feeling like the man when I walk through. I ain’t stuttin’ what you saying when I walk through.

See it’s never been for my glory. Singing and songwriting was not my forte. Not until this New Life and this fresh oil. See I do a mean 7 minute poetry thing. The applause captivates me. The power in my voice as I flip metaphors on verbs and nouns to create a picture seldom seen. Yes. I love that. Singing? Eh not so much.

But I will.

So in the midst of friends why do we let enemies stay in place? Why do we allow a bad apple to spoil the bunch? And allow seeds of doubt to infiltrate our spirit making us too heavy to fly?

I am pretty. So they say. Comparisons to faces made for TV, yet I still can’t see but I post few selfies. Its really not about me. Its about God. His perfect love and wanting to let Him be the main focus in my life. Some can’t contain their need for attention in a desperate cry for help walking away from Gods process to create their own. So like skull and crossbones poisonous words breakdown interpersonal relationships and interactions in a need for validation.

The attention cry screaming, “Choose me so I can fill this void when I have yet to choose myself.”

No, No, No. Those walking in disobedience look to attach to those willing to walk in obedience understanding the favor that comes along with that.

So now I listen intently to Daddy, protecting my anointing. Shake it, shift it. Make it move.

Release all anchors so I can set sail.

So Judas do you boo. I saw it. I knew it. I chose you for your job. No one could do it like you.

I still love you though.

Just never forget how his story ends.