Someone told me recently.
I still love you. We just not ready.
Yes. I get that. Every character in my storyline as the plot thickens hears the same spiel.
I am not ready for a relationship. I’m not even ready to date to choose someone I would pursue a relationship with. So I am learning how to date me. Take care of me. Take care of a home. Take care of my daughter. Take care of my body. Before I become Proverbs 31. I have to submit to God before I learn to submit to a man. Any relationship is challenging but even more so when I am not leaning on God for total direction and guidance. This has to start now. I won’t be able to start once I get married and expect to be roller coaster free.
I need few rollercoasters.
I need to forget I was once a runner. I am learning to stand still.
So he says this.
I text. No response. I call. Same thing. What did I do that was bad enough to deserve this? The last time I saw him I was dropping off a birthday package for his little one. I mean when I ignored texts and calls a few months ago he said he didn’t know what alone felt like until then. I looked at the few texts, the poem, the words with a cold heart. I guess I showed him how to love me like this. I showed him how to disregard my feelings like this. Through my actions I let him know this was the type of love I wanted.
What I gave him. He gives me now.
I just was putting up a front though. I was afraid to be real lest someone perceive me as weak. I failed to understand in my transparency I was displaying the strength of Samson. It is what it is. Why deny? Who is really going to benefit from this façade?
The struggle is real. I always love hard. The let go is even harder. Obviously he is fine. I am to. I just haven’t walked into my fineness. Not yet. Not yet.
I miss him. There I’ve said it.
Its hard to love someone that doesn’t want to love you back. That’s not ready. To relinquish all control to my God in heaven believing he knows best is difficult.
So quick story. I let go the first time. I saw light. I saw love. I saw a man looking at me as the sun shone on him in a room of all white. I knew this man. It was a familiar face of a man all cleaned up from a mess that only God could deliver him from.
Why do I believe I deserve the crumbs someone wants to throw at me instead of what God has waiting for me? What is it about not being flexible enough to bend and flow like a river. When you’re not willing to bend you break. So I break. I break my self worth, my self esteem, my healthy eating patterns, my gym time, my running, my mindset. Its in my brokeness I allow God to take my broken pieces and turn them into a masterpiece. It all gets broken yo be reformatted in order to allow God to show me the light at the end of this tunnel.
I mean maybe I am being prepared to learn how to love when the timing is right.
So why is this so hard? Why are my breaths so hard to take? Why does my heart feel so heavy and my eyes so heavy with unshed tears?
Oh. Yes. I get it. Everything feels hard and heavy to turn my heart to stone. So the dull ache becomes a distant memory with my newly formed hard and heavy heart. So when love comes again my unwillingness to bend prevents me from enjoying my happiness. So the stone that has replaced my flesh and blood is unforgiving when the person makes a mistake. But people make plenty of mistakes. But I let a tenderness from my creator rearrange everything that has come to steal what is intrinsically a part of my nature.
My strength is love. So I carry that with pride and won’t hold on to hardness. Let softness and vulnerability be my strength. I won’t fight battles that are not mine. I don’t need to. My Father has an army of angels to fight battles for me. Especially since we don’t wrestle with flesh and blood. This is a spiritual war. Spirit must fight spirit. Flesh sits down and praise my way through the storm.
Thank you Lord. You are awesome amazing greatly to be praised. Glorious magnificent awesome matchless in every way. Beautiful wonderful etc. And on and on. Then I get the strength. See I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He knows once I gain my strength I will go back and strengthen others.
See understanding hits the fine line when real recognize loving someone doesn’t mean they will be perfect. It means you aim to love them despite all of their obvious imperfections.
So. I think of my Father’s perfect love. Forgiving me over and over again. Grace and mercy abounds. Yes He disciplines. But correction often leads to a right path. Thank you Lord. Thank you for discipline and correction. Again.
So I’m here. Still avoiding a love interest until I am better. This is for my healing so I can be an effective helper for my husband. I saw my mess up before. What good is a hurt if one doesn’t learn from it?
So I plan on learning. In preparation I aim to be ready. Putting my best foot forward. So that I can show whatever man God has for me how to love me in abundance. The right way.
And breath. I’m leaning into my creator to learn a perfect love. Why not? Breathe then exhale. Building up my lung capacity for the one that is coming, whether he has been here before or a brand new figure for my new life. He is the one I must be prepared for. The one that is going to take my breath away.
And I will get a fresh wind to breath. Easy. Like a breeze on an Indian summer day. Something so unexpected to be my reprieve. Captivating me and relieving me with enough hope to carry me through the roughest winters.
So I wait patiently. Because I believe he too is in the process of being prepared for me.