I saw her. I saw her pain her struggle. I saw the feelings that loving a man intent on hurting the world to get back at his mother left this young woman with. She is only twenty four. Yet, we look the same age.
I had loved like that before.
Pillow talk is carried to the grave but I loved a man who was angry at his mother for allowing the things that happened to him to happen to him.
I loved him for nine years with access to my body. These last four years I have loved him from a distance.
Our last encounter. The weekend after my first birthday without my mother. The man that would be used to plant new life into my belly was urging me to stay in Chicago. I knew. It was time to say goodbye to the one man that had prevented my heart from being free to love someone that would truly care for me. So I went. We set a record. I came home to start a new life. I had spent years with him trying to make a baby. Well maybe not trying but definitely not trying to prevent. I wanted to be his wife. But not barely a month later a life had been placed into my womb I once thought to be barren.
That man I still have love for, all my life, was unavailable.
What is it about women that don’t know how to love themselves keep leaning on the lack of love given by an emotionally unavailable man?
I guess we see people as we see ourselves. I guess we love people that most remind us of ourselves.
So I saw her. I recognized the insecurities. When a man is constantly giving the love he has told you is yours to others in some ways it is natural to allow your self worth to get entangled in all those interactions. I mean the questions. If I were good enough then he would only want me right? What’s wrong with me?
Not realizing its the man. It never was the woman’s issue.
I saw her beauty. I felt bad. I had pulled a Shug Avery on her in the past. “Oooh Chile you shole is ugly.” Like Shug jealous that the way she had the heart of someone I felt was supposed to be mine because of the life we shared. See it was like the story of Hannah and Peninnah in the bible. They shared one man. A husband to them both. Hannahs womb was closed. So her husband always gave her more. Peninnah taunted, provoked and irritated her because while she had the children the one thing she wanted was the affection and love her husband gave the other.
So today no matter how many children this man has his love for this childless woman is set apart from all the others. So much so he was willimg to throw away his whole life to gain her. He still does it. So the jealousy was there. But it was uncalled for and unnecessary. As soon as I started loving me I stopped loving unavailable men. Jealousy was unnecessary because I realized I was able to stand on my own two feet if I was willing to let my Lord and Savior be my rock. Therefore I didn’t need the structure that I once thought I did. I mean I never really wanted that man. I really was looking for a way to avoid mourning my mother’s death. He came right in at the nick of time to save the day. Helping the old me die so this new one can be reborn.
Now though, I insist on someone loving me the way I love me. I do. Its a must. Honesty and trust is so necessary. I abide in it. I relish it and I relinquish my selfish wants over to reasonable thoughts.
So to all my beauties that have been reprogrammed by whatever beast has been assigned to diminish your self worth be reminded. You can walk into a kingdom as a Queen when you carry yourself as such. Its your worth you have to know it.
Never forget. The man was given you as a helper. You will crave the man, but he will forever need you. And you will crave him if you open the door to him before Gods scheduled arrangement without him giving you what is yours. A vow of commitment!
I told someone a few weeks ago, usually the people we are assigned to offends us the most. Yes. But my job is just to keep on loving them. With this perfect love shown me by my Savior. So I love. I uplift. I encourage.
God can use anybody. All it takes is a willingness.
So I told her if she loves him they should marry. I meant that. I still do. Become better and show him how to be better. Then use her beautiful voice to grace the ears of the masses. You’d be amazed what you can do when you let smoke disintegrate and gain a strength you never knew existed.
God is real. He is oh so alive. He is knocking on the doors of the hearts of many.
So when will you let him in?