I wrote a song last year.
The second verse went a little something like this…
“I been through it
But I knew it
Can’t blame others
When I did choose it
Had my chances
But I blew it
God gave me grace
Help me renew it”
What is about a grown adult that blames other people for the choices they make?
See I used to like to placed blame on the man closest to me at that time. At the time I was in my second to last semester when I gave birth to my daughter. The semester before he had vacated my life and even after having been robbed, all my mother’s jewelry stolen, my things, my computer, flat screen etc. I was still able to complete that semester big and pregnant with a 2.5.
See I was already on academic probation but without the added stress of a messy situation I was able to focus on me.
However the next semester was a different story.
I gave birth mid semester. Then the same man’s leg was broken in a drunken brawl. And while his other women were worried about what he could do physically with a broken leg I was just eager to see him back on his feet.
I guess he might have meant that he wanted me to be his wife after he came out of surgery and noone not even his mother came to the hospital to be with him. But I think back now. It was probably the anesthesia making him repeat what he had told me just a few days earlier.
What a tragedy.
We forget the people that were there for us at our lowest point.
I mean what is lower than a man having to be carried to the bathroom by his woman to sit since his leg won’t allow him to stand.
Maybe two months later throwing that very same woman to the ground in repayment for whatever good she did in his life.
Its amazing how people place value on material things so much that they only think a person down for them when that person is helping them financially. But what about the people that fed your spirit with uplifting words built you up so you started praying to God instead sucking up tar and tobacco when you were not able to go anyplace far because a broken leg prevented it.
He knew I was leaving. God showed him in a dream. He told me about it. I remembered it the day I walked away and he couldn’t come after me. He made a choice. I made one too. I get blamed for my choice while others treated his like something I deserved. I thought differently. Still do.
Oh well. Such is life.
Anyway I looked back. I had an opportunity to walk away when I was two months pregnant. I just didn’t believe he was really his actions. People are mostly actions, words just sound good. I mean even before that when I met him I should’ve shut my pride down and just disregarded the loud voice of the big mouth trying to put my guy friend on blast. He was really my friend at that time. We had tried the relationship thing. He was dishonest. Trust is earned. So he left and I let someone not for me in afraid to deal with the mourning of my mothers passing.
I mean who wants to be alone after losing their mother.
Anyway. I made my choices. I wallowed for almost four years and now I emerge victorious. What had come to kill me and take my future and run with it now has to deal with their own choices to never again be apart of my equation.
See you might trick me once. I only let you get past that first trick. After that I let people be who they choose to be with the ones that feel they deserve that type of person.
I KNOW I deserve better.
So I’ll wait on him to come.
I’m in the place now of choosing those that choose me. No chasing down friendships, family members, or love. If you see something in me then make something of it. I may not be sweet all the time, but I’m kind. I can be sweet, but I work hard to be kind.
I am a new creature in Christ.
I make different choices. And thank God. I am given a renewed state of grace and mercy daily for when I know for sure I am going to mess up.
I mean controlling this mouth is the hardest thing. Body in check. Addictions gone. Relationship in God takes the place. But this mouth yo.
My heart is finally starting to beat regularly from the failure I gave into using my mouth as a weapon less than a month ago.
See time heals all wounds. I know. I no longer want things I used to want. The things that were so damaging to me because in change we shed layers of our personality that we once had.
Certain people just won’t ever fit me anymore. I went through the pain of discomfort. I cried. I could’ve smoked and relationship hopped to get through but I felt the burn. I am a different woman because of it.
So yes I chose it. I stopped blaming others. Accountability yo. We are the only people responsible for our successes and failures. I mean do you let the world tell you what you can’t do or rely on a God that gives chance after chance after chance.
A perfect forgiving God.
Yeah. I chose God. I gained happiness and I carry no burdens of the pain of my past on my back. It was good writing material. Yes Lord.
Thank you Lord!
I walk in obedience. I am Proud of myself. I am thankful God found a nobody like me and felt like Moses once a murderer, Jacob the deceiver and liar, Rahab the prostitute, I mean the list goes on, that I could be used. No one is perfect but submission is key.
So I say. Use me Lord. I, like your servant Samuel, am listening. He is faithful.
So I choose to be too.