I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. It was about rejection.
I explained that the only reason he was interested in me was because I was not interested in him.
I mean doesnt it go like that. Children that get caught up in situations where mothers didn’t plan for them wind up being rejected and half loved so they chase after affection they will never get.
They in turn do this as an adult.
What is it about broken people that looks to find another broken person thinking that will make them whole. I mean if two whole people got together can you imagine the love and light they would have to give to others. The woman would not need to wonder where her better half is as he is somewhere being better. The man would not have to wonder if his woman is at Mr. Vegas concerts allowing another man to wrap his arms around her as she grinds provocatively into him.
I mean self respect is never a missing identity trait for two whole people. Love is constant. Joy is never a pretense. We learn to love those that love themselves, loving God first. That way they can love us the way we deserve to be loved.
I used to want a man like my grandfather. So when I found this emotionally unavailable man with the inability to get attached to another I wanted him in my brokenness. See that’s what I thought I was supposed to want.
Failure to know oneself leaves others confused as we constantly switch and change our inner emotions unraveling like yarn and now a person that believes they just came to love us is caught up and ensnared.
I only know one who loves to ensnare Gods people. He is my enemy.
He already knows the battle is won. He wants to keep me distracted so I can never walk into the blessings the Lord has for me. You know that peace, joy, love, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control? See we forget the enemy gives gifts. His look all fancy wrapped up in silver and gold but leaves a void so deep the well of our emotions never stop hollowing out.
I mean when did we become so shallow that things impress us.
But here I am talking about rejection. See sometimes it goes so deep that we choose people for the validation of self in order to prove that we are something big and important after having been rejected so many times.
I almost pursued becoming Dr. Radiancej just to show somebody that I was anybody but who they kept claiming I am.
Don’t you see how worthy I am.
I always have been. Always been special in the eyes of the Lord. I have a long standing run with favor. When I ask God. I mean I used to tell people if I didn’t get it I must not have wanted it bad enough. I was so used to getting what I wanted.
And no material things weren’t really big on my list.
Now however change done come.
I am a kings kid. I aim to look the part!
So. Rejection has never looked good on me. Chasing after someone that knows they don’t have it in them to keep me is no longer an option. You know how it goes. They get to rearranging you and telling you something must be wrong with you.
Nah. They just don’t want you to realize something is wrong with them. See I know me now. I don’t say take it or leave it. I will try to work on it but since I will always be a work in progress you love me or leave me alone.
And if that’s as a friend right now so be it. Learn to give of oneself loving expecting nothing but love in return. Really that’s all I have to give these days. I may not want to talk everyday. I may not want to go out. I may want to just stay with my baby girl at the park or the zoo or the aquarium or just wrapped up in my arms. See my me time is personal these days.
I’m sitting still. I watch and allow things to come to me.
They will. They are just landing in my lap. I’m tickled pink. Svelte cat like finesse like a panther. I move in silence these days.
See I realize now I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. So I smile.
I’ve rejected rejection and anything else that has come along to try and get me down these days. Look the devil straight in his eyes and call him on his stuff. I won’t be bullied. Yes I’m that bold.
See my master was peaceful while He was teaching but quite the opposite in the temple where they were trying to make a mockery of his Father’s house.
There is a time for peace and a time for war. A time to be silent and a time to speak. The thing is making sure you can listen to the Holy Spirit to know what time it is.
Hands on the bezel, times awaiting. What time is it? Now. And whose time is it? Ours.