I used to look like this R & B singer.
Maybe I was fearless in many aspects but was afraid of loving someone willing to love me back.
I probably would have been better busting windows out cars with the way I would get dudes back.
Oh you wan’ try and mek a fool outta mi?
I never laughed last. I was too busy hurting over the fact that my acts of revenge caused me to lose repeatedly someone that meant a lot to me. No one else could ever compare, so I let good dudes slip while I’d allow transgressions to slide by the man who could not do right by me.
It’s OK. I still love him. Tremors of butterflies when he LMS. Almost like a superstar. I feel like Kanye did it, and his wave is probably better surfboard action than the man with the big ego.
Yes. That is my first love. Used to call him the love of my life.
Between him and hip hop I finally had a friend.
Being bold was never a problem for me. A late night meet and greet gave him the option of getting my number before I got off the bus. I told him. If you’re going to ask for my number after all this small talk then do it before the next stop because that’s my stop and I’m getting off. No pen or paper committed my number to memory and as soon as he got off the bus he was dialing to make sure.
The next few months left me head over heels. Or maybe the other way around. Regardless fifteen years ago I felt I found a better half of me.
See he showed me poetry. Black notebooks with silver ink as we shared emotions neatly sometimes not politely.
Our eyes were watching God as he opened the door to my heritage of American literature written by a black woman.
I wonder if the woman that grew up on Madison and Laramie, west side of Chicago would have become an African American studies major after leaving Lane Tech her second semester of freshman year, whose mind was only money motivated had this man never touched my heart. Touched my mind and touched my outlook on life.
He taught me how to question the religion I once believed was the truth. I began searching for relationship with God.
We enjoyed life. Long standing with favor had me calling into radio stations to win Jilly from philly tickets. He refused to stand in the long line bum rushed a spot and dared someone to say a thing. This was her breakout concert. We lived, we laughed, we loved.
There was a simple beauty in that.
The only problem was no one was able to live up to him so I never gave anyone a chance. Why would I want shallow like a shawl when he was comfy like a quilt?
No one was worth giving a chance.
I mean its hard to move on when you always regret one. Cause they don’t make me laugh or even cook like you, let’s face it.
I was never supposed to replace it.
My blue print was supposed to be improved upon to become a master plan.
Yes. He taught me. I am learning how to take my lesson and share with the next set of students. This time I will. I aim to pass this test.
I can’t level up until I get off his chess board, because this queen wasn’t protected the way he knew when he met me I was supposed to be.
Someone tells me I look like a gospel singer. Do I sing? Yes. I do.
See my name been changed. Last week I said goodbye to Rae, two times. I have been given a fresh start. I knew I would have to let go of the one I loved the most before I would open the door to the one who will love me the most.
So. To perfect cliché love stories. Anyway. Bad guys do go good. This first love of mine is living proof. Time and God can work miracles.
God will do it for my fresh start too. I believe.
He stood in a doorway waiting for me to decide to take his number, uniform crisp amd clean tugging the strings of my heart the way he still does. I finally want forever. If my wants don’t add up to what God knows I need then I’ll just take his best forego my assumptions and get ready for the best life.
Walking in obedience!
So to the old. I’ll always be one of your biggest fans. To the new. You MUST be mine. No more borrowed time. Or wallowing in feelings sad and blue. Bells on our feet no more shackles its time to dance. To our own beat in our own tune.
Yes there is a God. He will give you another chance. Your job is to stop looking towards what used to be to create what you want it to be. So will you take it?