What’s that inner beauty looking like

Someone asked me was I at 1:30 service.

I already knew where this question was headed.

Yes that was me leaping because my spirit was overjoyed to have the confirmation I needed and not still be caught in confusion.

I have learned that the reason God shows me things is because He knows I am a keeper of His secrets. I pray for who I need to pray for and talk to who He wants me to talk to.

That jumping though. I was so happy!

That camera though. See I’m really camera shy.

Where I used to take an incessant amount of selfies in an old life now I’m not so interested. Let my words be my picture now as you see my heart which is better than the physical.

See I watch my grandmother looking in a mirror wondering when did life hand her her new image. She’s seventy five. She’s been married to my grandfather for over fifty years a man seventy seven and still Working 12 hour days because he wants to. But she’s concerned about how he looks at her.

She’s worried about her looks because in her time and still today people not understanding the treasure brown skin really is, place more importance on lighter shades. She’s worried about her looks because granddad still works, still climbs on garage roofs to fix them. Maybe some fine younger thing might come.

But no. My grandfather doesn’t have a chair. He got the chair from his job in retirement, yes the retirement he could barely sit still for six months in before he was back at work, and made it a throne for my grandmother. He gets up quickly when she wakes up to make her way to her seat so that she can be comfortable. She sleeps in until way past noon and hasn’t worked for at least three decades. As long as I can remember.

See that was a love of my grandmother for who she was. Who she still is.

I watch the people struggling with their addictions come to sell my grandmother anything they think she may find valuable.

I carry on her traditions and make sure if I am around a hungry belly gets filled. See my grandmother used to cook for almost the whole neighborhood. Known for her kind and generous nature she made sure hungry folk ate.

My father did too as he would quote scriptures here and there to the lost out of a tattered bible and get grandmas leftovers to feed whatever posse of societies throw aways would come knocking at his door.

It was the inner people that made people love them.

My father’s funeral procession was so long I could only shake my head at the people that had to wait. Even after having been in an accident that disfigured his face and the handsome jovial life of the party lost his identity in thinking his outward appearance is what made him beautiful.

So now. I am learning the same thing. As I learn to trust in what the Lord shows me and gives I believe that whatever door He is opening no man can close.

So I continue to ask Him to make me beautiful in preparation. Forget the beauty on the outside. That comes with the transformation on the inside. So for His glory.

No more need to be fearful when its time to walk courageously. Its time to be strengthened. Its to be healed and allow the inner woman to shine forth. Its time to trust in the things he shows me.

Yes my God is choosy so I want to make sure his call doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

Yes. Its time to trust and believe. Not in the things man sees, but in the ways God does. Seeing the heart.

So I put on my xray vision glasses to examine myself. We all can. Willing to have all residue removed so I can come forth when God chooses me.

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Walking. No more tripping and fumbling…

So I am working hard on obedience. Being so independent has made me believe I was doing a good job directing my own steps until. Until. And until.

Yes. There is no way I can deny the fact that I made a mess up of so many opportunities. Many of the people that were in the program I was in at UIC are now pursuing advanced degrees. I still have yet to get my bachelors.

See what had happened was.

Yep I came up with every excuse I could think of. It doesn’t negate the fact I gave up my opportunities because like Lot’s wife I kept looking behind at what the past had to offer. Past friends. The religion of the past. Past relationships. The past.

I just said goodbye to someone I thought I wanted to love forever because he kept reminding me of who I was last year and early this year.

Stay away from those types. Those that never see growth or the possibility for it because they too consumed by what used to be they can’t see what is on the horizon.

Oooh. That just blessed me.

So. In my obedience I decide I am walking a new path. In doing so I meet someone. At the age of 28 she has just gotten her PhD and accepted a job for a almost 80,000.

Whoa.

I’m watching her though.

Who I used to be. Trapped in unhealthiness. Smoking, offering me the B. No thanks. I’m good. No thanks to the drink. I’m still good. I’m trying not hear what I need to hear and if I get my system clogged with those impurities right now I may miss it.

See she started her journey right when I was supposed to be finishing mine.

Or so I thought.

But would I have still been doing some of the same things this young woman was doing to ease the stress of a life with burdens heavier than I was ever supposed to carry?

Probably.

Only God lifted my weights off my shoulders.

I get it now. I had to change. I had to wait. I had to grow. I had to stop wanting to be glorified for what I felt I was superior in so God could get the glory out of my life.

Someone thanked me. I’m like for what? For being a friend. For being a real listening ear. For her knowing she could come to me no hate no shade and I would allow God to move in our lives and let Him be God and not try to give her my fallacious human advice.

So no. Don’t thank me. Thank God for using me, and I’ll give Him the glory.

Nah. I’m not that deep. I just have had my life postponed because of the things within me I need work on. Maybe it was never my time. Maybe God has always wanted me to wait until now. Or maybe me walking in disobedience been keeping me like the Israelites in the wilderness for forty years.

See I would never pretend to be deep. I came from a place of feigned piety and the insiders looking down on the outsiders. So in my new walk I’m only eighteen months in still settling. Still getting rid of the feisty fiery temperament and willing to ignore low key attacks at my blogs people pretend they don’t read. Still love those that pretend as if they don’t see me, and smile and wave anyway.

I can no longer let anyone change me. I have someone BIG to answer to. Walking in obedience is not easy. I get knots on my head and go back to the hammer with my neck extending my head. I want to laugh in folly, fun and foolishness. However, I pay attention. Something is going on. The world has changed and I get it.

I was once shrouded in darkness clothed in sorrow and regret. Manipulation, pain and anger was the hat I wore. Deception and grief was the beat I bopped to. Pride and pretention were the shoes on my feet. So I get it. I just feel a constant urgency for helping people understand the goodness of Christ, because as I look back to all the years He sent people to get me, and I let the enemy create dissensions I could have avoided majority of the things that hurt me the most.

So excuse my serious face. It’s obedience. The sacrifice I give God is my contrite and broken spirit for the foolishness of a life he has taken away and given me fresh wings to fly with. Yes. I am still struggling to walk into my new life. I have been meditating on Ephesians 4:24 for the past week.

Soon enough the balance will weigh out on scales as I enjoy life to the full while still taking care of my assignments. They are just necessary right now. So much work to do after a life full to the brim of folly.

My walk is, like yours, important to the Kingdom of God.

So let’s get moving!!

Disassociated Pain

This one part of my body.

I can now say there was a time I associated pain with it.

The pain yo.

But now I only want to associate healing with the two areas.

So. I rub. I stretch. I mash. It hurts.

The thing about healing is that usually it hurts worse before it feels better.

Its supposed to. As you work out the kinks and knots from the root of the pain that is seldom in the same area of the manifested pain it will be discomfort.

OK. Truth be told I wanted to cry. But I let my tears come with a surrender to God.

What we sow in tears we reap in joy! Unspeakable joy.

And have I been sowing. My ugly cry face is beautiful in the sight of God because where I cry now I used to use my words in a hateful manner to tear down those who did ugly things to me.

So here I am working out the kinks. As always with Gods help.

Not just in my body. In my spirit as well. Does it hurt to relive the memories? Yes. But Why should I carry these weights on the inside when my Lord has urged me to lay aside every weight? I mean maybe that’s why I was doing the most BC and working hard to be delivered AC overindulging my problems into a nesting state.

I purge these days.

I stand my ground.

Away.

People that choose to figure out what’s going on with another than get rid of the hurt that is keeping them bound to negative traits that bring God no Glory. Its hard work, but its possible.

I had to go through a lot to get this tough exterior, this tough interior. I’ve lost a lot. But what I’ve lost physically I have gained spiritually.

I had to release. I stretch out on the altar. I mash my feet in the ground dancing in a way I never even saw before last year. I rub deep into my memory banks. I go around hurting people to try to ease the tension. I don’t just focus on my specific area. I know going around others dealing with the similar things will help me to address different areas.

But that’s just the beginning.

More work to be done. I cannot do it for another. I can only show what has worked for me. I have shown myself available but sometimes its just me and God.

Yes. Inner analyzing is quite difficult when one is trying to figure out somebody else, their actions, their dress, their hair color, eye color, or walk with God. Let’s not even get into the TV shows.

My people perish for a lack of knowledge.

We fail to find out what’s wrong with our hearts and emotions and dying from the foods we overeat, the drinks we overindulge in repeatedly, the people who we can’t seem to let go of despite the fact that their negative words are killing our spirits.

No. I choose to analyze.

Ask questions.

Like am I screaming at my daughter because what she has done has made me angry? Or is it the fact that I’m frustrated with my life and the choices I made?

Yes. It was me. A child can’t be bad. There are only bad adults who don’t know how to correct and discipline a child whose understanding of the world is fairly new.

They need love and correction.

So. After burying my father at fifteen, and my mother at twenty seven letting go has become necessary for life.

My savior said it best. Let the dead bury the dead. So as I relish in my newfound freedom, I enjoy walking forward. I can no longer cry over spilled milk. Maybe if one is wondering why no one is there to cry with them look back at how many times you’ve been a helping hand to the needy.

Its alright though. We all have God to lean on and sometimes that’s all He wants anyway.

I will continue to do the work to leave the past behind. I can not sit and wallow when there is so much to live for.

Pretenses no longer fool me.

I share words. Pray change. I mean when I plant whomever God appoints to be Apollos to water will come but only God will make grow.

He’s the only one who knows the soil you will be. He knows our motives. He’s the only one who knows if you are holding onto thornlike characteristics which will choke the seeds, or if you’ve pruned, deweeded I mean allowed God to pull it up.

I can only be in motion and with people in motion. Going somewhere and doing something continuously. The high and placation of fun only lasts shortly.

You know faith without works is dead. So with actions I move on to the land if the living.

Where happiness is not guaranteed but a choice for choosing.

So I choose.

Will you?

My Time

It wasn’t that I wanted to be a workaholic. Its just that I felt like an imposter on my fathers couch waiting for the small talk to end and the two bills to be handed to my mother for the gym shoes I asked for.

My cousins all wore Jays. They wanted to make sure I had the option to get the same.

I hated how it felt. Only visiting my grandparents and my father when I needed something made me feel like I was waiting for a handout. So I worked.

I wanted to be in charge of my money.

I started young and it never stopped. I was often working two jobs while going to school.

The only child of a single mother I had to learn how to be independent early. After my pops died, there was really no option but to.

The workaholic in me was strong. I had a mindset for not stopping and getting all life had for me. I worked hard. I partied hard. Everything I did I did it hard. Maybe that’s why my heart was the same way.

It was the summer my mother passed away. I was already going to school full time when I was offered a full time overnight job mid semester. Yes. I need it. Not paying heed to the fact my mother was sick. I truly believed she was going to make it through.

Especially when she sat in a room at the UIC forum, that now holds children on Sundays learning about God in a real way, watching me with pride present research she basically did for me.

I was already getting my stipend as a McNair scholar and the extras from my grants, why did I need a job?

I could never have enough money. I would dance to Jeezy’s Go getter with such fervor one would think I actually was a hustler.

I was though. I made money any legit way I could and didn’t constitute me to be a prostitute, in Lupe’s descriptions.

So. That wasn’t enough. A job fair at UIC gave me the opportunity to get the last slot as a manager in training for Jewel/Osco. When all the rest of my fellow interns were human resources, business, and marketing majors I still don’t understand how I got through the door with my African American studies major as my background.

Oh yeah. I am reminded. It was favor.

So now I have two full time jobs. I have no transportation so leaving my night job on wells downtown to get to Pulaski and Foster meant I had to run to the blue line after leaving work early and drink many five hour energies just to get by.

I’m a hustler imma imma hustler. Had to get that dough. I, loved the dough, more than you. Gotta let it show I love the dough eh eh eh.

Yes.

So when my mother called near tears for the money she had to ask me about continuously because her taking the alternative medicine route was expensive I would get irritated because I was SO SO tired.

She told me with a tremor in her voice that I would be sorry.

I finally sent it. Unwillingness in my spirit. I never knew, but I was too selfish working towards my own goals and pursuits to notice. I was losing my mother.

When I finally pressed pause to go see about her she had three weeks. Lord am I thankful for those three weeks. It was in that time I realized what was important in life.

All the money in the world is not going to buy those precious memories with the ones you love.

So yes. These days I have been quite selective about the time I spend away from my daughter. If that means we lack on areas that is fine. I am the queen of bargain hunting. Because these precious years I can never get back. Its so easy to find free things to do in the city. So we do. We have fun. We meet new people. We live laugh and love.

Then when I need time for me I take it without feeling guilty because I have done my part in providing more than just physically for my daughter I provide emotionally and mentally, now I just have to get stronger on providing for her spiritually.

I am still learning.

All I know is that pretenses fall away. Facetious interactions yield no fruit, so I don’t pretend to be something I’m not just to fit in with someone.

I mean my perfect creator created me to stand out and apart. Why would I think I could do better by breaking his mold?

So. As I enjoy life I know its almost time for me to start dating. I’ve been cuffed too much to ever just enjoy dating. It is nearly August and I have yet to go on a date this whole year. A new standard for a new life. Its got to be a man of God. In our maturity we have to understand dating leads to marriage so that has to be the mindset and aim, but only God knows what plans He has. I just know I need someone who is willing to listen to God because what I’m birthing like Mary had Joseph I need someone willing to protect my promise.

Enjoying the small seemingly insignificant things add so much value to ones life. Its the experiences we go through that allow us to grow.

Its only in growth that we get closer to greater.

So no more workaholic in me. I’m learning balance. There is a time for everything.

Finally I am ready. It is definitely my time!

Pride and Pretentiousness

So.

I’m kind of enjoying this public transportation thing.

My po’ lil car is not, as the weeds have started to grow up on the side of it because of the none movement.

However, the patience that is really being built up on my heart is a plus. The humility that comes with not telling all the other riders that come along that I have a car is most definitely a plus. I mean what would I try to prove trying to tell another that no I’m really not on this public transportation level because I have a car at home. Fact still remains. I’m on it though.

Pride comes before the fall.

Lord knows I have fallen enough thinking too highly of myself.

Forget looks. Or the fact my ponytails high on my head reached my shoulders. Brown girl long hair. Yes. There were enough oohs and ahhs as a child. I won’t even go into what happened when I got to Boston for the ego. It was never supposed to be a part of me.

My problem was my intelligence. I was always one of the smartest in class. Looks fade I knew. My intelligence would take me far so I thought. Not understanding my life of folly made me a fool.

Anyway back to transportation.

So the bus driver has taken a little liking to me.

I try to avoid his run. First off it will make me late to pick my daughter and secondly I’m just letting go of something that means me no good so I’m not opening up again until my Daddy says, yes He is the one I want to choose you.

Anyway, I can’t help being friendly.

That’s my nature.

The man lying sick on my grandmas couch needing a couple dollars to get his fix will get a plate if I’m at the stove. My love is not bound by what I want in return from people. I don’t only be nice to those pleasing to the eye, or I’m interested in pursuing. I’m kind to everyone.

This is my new Life. I have decided to walk into it.

Yeah I know this is really hard to believe for those that knew me from a past life. But Jesus. He is still healing. His miracles did not stop in the bible.

How could such a big God confine his words to a page. Jesus as the Son showed us all His marvelous capabilities. Would not he continue to do the same things today?

Yes. I am a believer.

Anyway back to the story. I love to digress because I can’t help my rants.

So after being around my daughters camp too long I wind up catching the driver. He says he’s been wondering where I’ve been.

I’m like. I’m not going to be late on purpose to catch you. My job as woman is not to pursue. So I won’t.

As I’m laughing about that a lady gets on the bus.

Hey mean guy, she says to him.

He just ignores her.

Yes the often pursued man feels as if every woman that speaks to them, looks their way, or smiles wants them.

So he begins telling me about her.

Yes.

See far too few women have wanted to be my friend in times past so male friends were a staple. They would explain all the stuff women did that I learned a lot from. I didn’t need brothers the way these men schooled me about life, but when I finally met my father’s son. My big brother confirmed what had always been told to me by those friends.

Anyway the driver tells me she always talking to me and calling me mean trying to get me involved in a conversation. He was trying to get me to believe she liked him.

That’s the oldest trick in the book. Building up that spirit of competition in women. As if to say, If you don’t want me she does, so you better hop on board before she catch me.

No, men know exactly what they want whether they are bold enough to pursue it or not.

Yes. I watch women pursue men. If they pursue a man with no financial means they wind up taking care of him roles reversed. If he is financially stable it boosts his ego making him feel as if everyone is on the same agenda. Many might be. Everyone is not. Like this lady for instance writing these seemingly never ending soliloquies.

So the pride. Building one’s self up while tearing down others in order to ignore the personal issues that keep people angry, defensive and using words that don’t up build.

Yes. I keep singing my song. Shake me break me make me humble. I need the reminder. I want humility to clothe me like a blanket.

It comes before the fall which means once it’s checked one can stand in whatever it is they are pursuing. I want that. I strive for that. No more making myself to be anything other than a child of the Most High. He is everything. I am nothing without Him.

Since He doesn’t approve of a haughty heart, It really is just that simple.

Trusting God in His timing

Its amazing how quickly things change when one realizes how wrong it truly is.

Especially when one decides to love themselves and only wants the best for their lives.

So I realized something. When adults express themselves why are others quick to jump defensive and call names. Everyone falls short.

Who am I to judge though?

The respect. The lack thereof. The fact that some people that feel a certain amount of insignificance in certain areas of their lives need to make others feel disrespected and insignificant in order to boost a deflated ego.

Yeah. Feelings change fast.

Games are seldom played by grown ups and I left the preschool teaching thing in Boston. I won’t raise a grown boy into a man to understand the way a woman should be treated.

See I once failed to understand my worth and failure to make a man present a sacrifice for the help that the woman is going to provide for a mans life so they began to believe they are owed certain things from women.

One had the audacity to remind me that I owed him something. I believe I paid more than a few debts. So many bail outs, so many concerts, a relationship, a bleeding heart and soul. So I am thankful for that because it taught me to walk away from what was presented to me recently. If it looks like a duck quacks like a duck and I used to spend so much time ducking my self worth with another quack I think the lesson learned taught me to run far far away.

Because Adam gave a whole rib in his sacrifice to make the woman. And here men today are asking for ‘help’ from women that aren’t their wives, fiancée’s or they are even interested in pursuing.

Lupe said it best. What constitutes a prostitute is the pursuit of profit.

The time comes to shut down anything that is not promoting your future endeavors and your betterment of self.

I mean how can two walk together unless they agree about the direction.

Why would I as a woman who is giving her life to walk with Christ walk anywhere with a man who won’t even come to see what my Savior is talking about.

How many times should one woman invite a man that claims to be interested in her to church to worship God with her before she realizes maybe he’s just not that interested.

Interested in aborting my promises, maybe. Interested in proving that the nightmare I had was really really real.

Some people just don’t line up with my destiny so they need to be released.

Because if he can’t be interested in getting to know and love my creator he will never fully understand me enough to respect me enough to give me the treatment I deserve.

That respect.

So sometimes it comes a time when its time to let God be God. If he is constantly pulling someone out of your life and not even allowing you to be around that person since you miss each other or miss phone calls then maybe the message has been loud and clear.

I mean how can I forget the story of Balaam and the donkey. Angels protecting me from what God knows has been sent to destroy me.

Its time to let it be what God says it will be. Move flesh out the way because only a God who knows the plans He has for me to prosper and not to fail can know who belongs in my life and who doesn’t.

So yes now. I trust. I believe God.

I am finally letting go.

No more mean girls

So my daughter is talking to me asking me if someone is her friend.

Quickly I said yes.

She said but she’s mean to me.

So immediately I changed my confession. No that’s not your friend, you don’t have to play with someone that is mean to you. BUT you still be kind to them. You still LOVE them.

Some folk just have to be loved from a distance. And prayed for repeatedly.

No. You won’t catch me talking about how someone talks about me behind my back but I still kick it with them just to say I was out and about.

I can party by myself. When I went to see Ms. Lauryn Hill I was alone. Solo dolo. Had a ball. Met new people. I laughed I talked. I danced. I enjoyed myself.

Alone.

See by nature or nurture I’m not exactly sure yet I am an introvert. Being an only child made alone time tolerable. I learned early to be imaginative. So no. I won’t allow someone who wants to be mean to me to be in my circle.

So I finally get to meet the little girl that has been mean to my daughter at camp. Just so happens she needed me to turn the water on for her after she came out her stall and she asked was my baby about to go home. That feeling hit me like ask her name. I did. She was indeed the culprit.

I asked her why was she mean to my baby. She explained. My daughter doesn’t share the swing. But is that a reason to call her stupid and tell her other not so nice things?

I began to explain to her that as little girls the rest of the world was going to be mean sometimes so they had to learn to stick together. They had to be nice to each other. They had to love one another and that means no meanies.

I get it.

When I came back to Chicago looking to embrace childhood friends I would spend time with them and their kids and notice even with all the love I showed and how much they loved how I would play the games on the Wii their own parents were too tired to play they would look at me like I was a one eyed monster after a little bit of time passed when I returned.

Mothers felt entitled to my friendship even when I needed my alone time and went away. So for whatever reason they would talk about me behind my back saying unloving words to shape how others view me.

See you might get away with talking about about your so called friends if you have a four year old like I do, but not with preteens. They instantly begin to take the hateful words that have been assigned to the grown up and believe their parents wouldn’t dare speak so negatively if it were not true.

Misery loves company and some people don’t want people to be happy so they tear them down. I knew. I heard the same people talk about their own family and friends then kick it with them like they were the best of friends.

So two faced.

So of course children began to equate friendship with being mean. They don’t do what we say. They do what we do.

The treatment they receive at home or see their parents give others is what they give back to the world.

The teens out of control in Chicago have nothing to live for when no one is showing them any love. I mean how can you do hateful things when you are being given true love?

Yes. This was a culture shock. My hometown shocked me.

So I just do what I can. I speak to and will hold a conversation with anyone. Whether that’s the dude struggling to fight a not yet winning battle with an addiction trying to sell shoes when I am coming from getting my daughter, or the Latino man in the library who must see enough kindness from me that he asked me to complete his job application.

Yes. There are no color barriers, or class barriers. There are only heart barriers.

So. I can’t raise another’s child. Its hard enough raising my own. I hope I can sow seeds. Maybe someone else will water. God will make it grow. So yeah. Its about that heart. What’s in it is what comes out of the mouth.

I’m working so hard to fix mine so this caterpillar can shed a coating to become a butterfly which can finally spread her wings and fly!

When Boys become Men

I used to wish I had a censor button for my lips. Then I could have more friends and more people would like me since I said things no one else wanted to say and faced words spoken against me.

I mean don’t you dare tell me what someone has to say about me. In the past I would let confrontation get a hold of me to demand a better understanding of why and how.

Now. I just sit and enjoy peace. The battle is not mine and realize maybe like the prophet Jeremiah. Some folk just going to think what they will. Some folk don’t want o hear what needs to be said, or maybe not from me. Some folks just will not like what I represent, whatever they think that is and I am finally okay with that.

So I speak. And I speak in boldness.

They say chivalry is dead. It’s not. Women are killing it. I look at previous encounters and men I had to let go of and watch the new roles and assignments they have taken on.

I wonder what stories they are going to tell their children.

Yes honey, she asked and I said yes. She had already bought the rings so I just fell in line. So when you as a woman want to get a man use your womanly wiles like Eve did to coerce this man to do something besides hear God. Even though God may be asking that man to do something else before he becomes your man disregard that. You may have to work three jobs for the rest of your life taking care of your family and die an early death to leave him to remarry with all your money the woman he is going to feel like a man with because he was able to provide, protect and profess his love to but nevermind all that. Do you baby.

Forget a man that finds a wife. The man that is coerced into being a husband is the new model these days.

See no one is speaking against real love. No hate. No shade. But let’s have real conversation.

What happens when you pick a tomato too soon? It’s green. Its not bright red ready for a nutritious salad that will promote life and wellness. Instead its getting fried up, saturated in grease to clog arteries and promote heart disease.

I mean it’s still food. But how is it going to be presented.

The same with a man. He is a man. But if a woman decides that its time for him to be her husband and uses sexual domination to catapult herself into his role that man might miss out on his season having been pulled into an assigned role too early.

Not ripe for the picking, leaves him misplaced and confused. Unhappy and abused. Eventually she will use the fact that he is not to tear him down so he never feels motivated to become.

I mean please. People talk about how Miriam and Aaron talked against Moses’ exotic wife. But the fact still remains she wasn’t the woman that was the help mate to help him get rid of his issues and get to the promised land. Facts yo. Just facts.

So I had a conversation. With the one I love. At first he said something about being a husband. Then he changed his confession to not even sure he wants a relationship.

Oh yeah. I could’ve did the old me. I could’ve pop locked and dropped it on him used a snatch him into submission move to get him to dance in harmony with my groove.

But no. But God. When God is done with him if he’s the one for me he will know. He will sacrifice. He will think like a man, Steve Harvey me. Provide, protect and profess.

See I’m so old school. A man will be a man before he can be my man.

Amen.

That’s what I know.

Now. In the past I would let someone’s needs be addressed by my giving nature and big bag mentality.

I would feel like the man not knowing he was probably taking my dividends to the next chick to feel like the man providing for her needs.

That changed. I had only been with the father of my child for a month before he was co-signing a car for me and paying the notes. He did that. I let him be a man.

See a woman’s job is to help. Help him create opportunities to be better. Not do it for him. That’s what mamas do. You should lead him to water, love him into drinking, but never pick up that gallon of water to force feed him.

They say the way you get something is how you are going to have to keep it.

So I watch a friend of mine. I want to encourage. I want to take care. But no I will never buy love, time or attention.

Before a man becomes my man, he has to be a man.

So. If you change the role. Don’t complain about the toll. It will take. Drinking, fake partying sorrows away. Instead of feet up being taken care of the way a man is supposed to do.

The word says the man will love his wife as Christ loves the church.

He will love, choose, protect and provide. Everything.

So. Let seed grow into fruit. It will yield good produce in good time. If we let God be God and beat our own fleshly desires into submission. We can let God’s spirit move in our own lives.

Yes. Patience. In due time. It comes together for those who love God.

Yeah I said it. I’m sorry I’m not sorry, but until we allow these men to stay in their roles and lanes they won’t be able to hear God and lead like Joseph did Mary.

Be lead. Then learn to follow. It can save one a life of frustration, tears and sorrow.

Why would I cheat on Jesus

The time is quickly approaching. A shift in my life means I am open I am no longer closing the door on any opportunities. This means business, career and relationships.

So as I begin to love me I stop loving and wanting those that don’t want me. It doesn’t matter how much I love that person. What’s love got to do with them not being able to love me the way my creator has gone through great lengths to show me I deserve.

My eyes are open.

My spiritual ones.

I am no longer looking for six packs. I am no longer looking for a certain color, or facial hair, or height, or  financial means. I mean a woman a Proverbs 31 knows what it takes to be successful so she can encourage her man. It’s not what he has but it’s what he has the potential to become.

So that being said I’m looking with spiritual eyes. I know what I will see or feel when my Boaz comes. Spiritually.

So I wait  patiently on the Lord to make sure he send what he has for me in my direction.

So. Someone I have been closer to in a past timr of my life can’t understand why no longer do I show that type of love. Well when I read the words of my master it doesn’t line up with what’s pleasing to him and our Father. So since I’ve been bought at a price and my body is the cost. I present it as a sacrifice.

I mean why would I cheat on Jesus?!?

The perfect man, literally he was the only one to walk and die this earth a perfect man.

And He takes care of me.

It seems as those that grew up in poverty look at things as a basis for making it. We arrive once we drive luxury cars and live in large homes. Wear shiny jewelry pieces, and go exotic places.

But that mask that is being worn to hide desperation, despair, loneliness, anxiety, depression, anger etc etc etc. Just to name a few has been bought just to hide what is replacing what money can’t buy. Like joy, peace, comfort, relationships, I mean real relationships where the person is loving and celebrating and speaking life into you.

See as I just ended a four hour conversation almost into the three o’clock hour a.m. I heard encouraging word after encouraging word. When the enemy wants to speak defeat or doubt, here comes Jesus using one of his followers, his disciples to remind me of the promises my master my teacher the King of King and Lord of Lords has given all of us he calls but most importantly those that have been chosen.

See. I’ve been through the disappointments of loving a man. Giving my heart to him then when I go looking for him or calling him and he is nowhere to be found. Not so with Jesus.

He said seek you shall find, ask you shall receive.

I need comfort Lord. I need peace. Like a genie of ones imagination my wish is granted only my God is real and he doesn’t stop at three. My sacrifices don’t go unnoticed and when Jesus leans over to the Father to say Radiance needs xyz, here comes Jesus!

His love is not based on a condition of what I give him. Or what I have. He just loves me.

He will neither leave me nor forsake me so I can walk away from loneliness.

Yes I want to worship in spirit and truth and anyone interested in me must be approved by my Father too. Which means he needs to approach my heavenly Father. Have a relationship to know how to deal with the delicate creature I am.

No ignoring me in ignorance unawares that my feelings are trying to drag my self worth down. No convenient love. If I can’t be a primary focus then I don’t need to be one at all. Yes. It’s an all or nothing type of thing.

See if I learn how to wait for the man that will love me like Christ did the church I will be blessed. I recently got an email to understand that better.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

He’s going to choose you first John 15:16a reads You did not choose me, but I chose you, he’s going to love you, John 15: 9a As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you, he’ll protect you, Ps 32:7b You are my hiding place;  you will protect me from trouble, and provide for you. 1 Tim 6:17b but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. EVERYTHING.”

I should not have to tell someone a thousand times my car is acting up and he know I live in the city where violence is threatening to be met by the armed forces and he not send someone to see about my car.

I mean I see.

Spiritually.

So I’ve learned to sit back and patiently wait on Jesus. He’s so good to me.

So again. Why would I cheat on him?

Let the Man lead

I love being a girly girl, sometimes. On my non tomboy days. A woman’s woman. A lady. And treated as such. In doing so I DO NOT believe in pursuing a man.

Let him lead. Its easy for women to fall in love. We were created to be a companion. Since man was created for authority and dominion the coding for companionship was probably much different.

See he didn’t cry out for a companion. Gods great love saw that he needed it.

It was not good for man to be alone.

But after a great deception woman would come to crave a man.

So. I took this basic understanding and knew. I could not let a man dominate me while I craved him if he didn’t sincerely love me.

They don’t treat women kindly when she’s in pursuit if they don’t love her more.

See I was taught well.

My first love. The first man I gave my heart to earned it.

Long walks through the streets of Boston. He would run to meet me after work if he thought I might have had to wait for him after getting off work. Just to ride with me on public transportation to get me home. The writings. The songs he would sing. The things he taught me. I wanted to make new life with him. I loved him deeply. I love him still. Fourteen years later.

Being in love is a different matter though.

I just learned from him I would never settle. If I could not find a man that loved me like my first love showed me I would not stay. I would not return the love. So I kept my heart with me.

Then last year. As this man held his hand out with his number standing in front of his place of employment, something in his eyes grabbed ahold of me.

As I sat and grew to know him words were not necessary. He would hold my hand to his heart, sigh with relief, and showed me what he told me. He didn’t know he was lost until I found him.

I never wanted to be found until I met him.

So. Sometime ago my charger went missing. So I was without a phone for almost three days. When my phone turned back on I see no texts from him.

What?!?

Not in the realm of our normalcy.

Three days without contact these days is akin to the six months we went without contact as I let go to become a better woman inside and out.

They say if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you.

He came back. He came looking for me. He searched me out.

A message in my brand new inbox. I mean in becoming this better person I said goodbye to social media for one year, aside from my weightloss journey IG page. But here he was. He had found me.

So back to the three days. I know what its like to lose him. He said, he didn’t know what alone felt like until those first couple of days without me. I knew. I just never wanted to be reminded.

To let go of someone you love for no other reason but to become a better version of yourself is difficult. It’s a faith walk. No arguments. No cursing screaming or fighting. Just a feel good feeling.

See he became the muse for my prose. A fairytale turned reality supposed. To take my mind off, all those. Who never was supposed to open up my nose.

Yes. I wrote. I wrote songs. I wrote poetry. He motivated me to become a better version of myself.

OK for real back to the three days. I was worried. I’m calling hospitals. But I feel a quiet gentleness in my spirit. He is alright. So I wait. I work on shoes and a shirt to keep my mind off him. But I’m wondering.

I decide finally. To go to him.

On my way to drop my daughter off I notice a piece of paper waving at me on my car but I paid it no mind.

Finally. I’m standing on his front porch. I know he is probably sleeping getting ready for an overnight shift. But at least since I’m guessing he lost his phone I can leave my number.

When I finally hear my Barry White like baritone coming through the phone I can’t stop smiling.

My baby.

“I came. I knocked on your door. I rang your bell. I even left my number on your car window.”

Ahhh. That’s what what was waving to me saying come, babe, come.

But that’s what a man is supposed to do. I watch women get in relationships having manipulated the situation, using their bodies as bait or pursuing a man.

Trust me once that wedding band gets on he is probably going to try and find a woman he can feel like Boaz with if a woman in a Jezebel position made him feel like Ahab.

No thank you. My man must must be a man.

Amen.

So I love him. We’ve had this conversation. I’m still not ready to date. He says what good is a title if the storyline doesn’t match? I dig it. So we work on being better people, better parents before we can be better with any type of mate. Makes sense doesn’t it? But we are building our friendship. If we build as friends, we can work together and one day build an empire. Especially since the love thing came so easily to both of us.

Instead of incessantly fighting and arguing because two people who were better suited for others decided to stay together for whatever reason and live a long miserable existence together.

So.

Ladies. Be pursued. Be lavished. Be loved. You will crave for your man. Just make sure he works for you because what is earned is more valued than what is given.

This is more so a reminder to myself than anyone else. Nothing forced ever really fits. Again I’ll state.

See this is for love health and happiness. It’s not fair if just one has it. We all need it.

So get it, but some things most importantly let it come to you.