I just got to the point where I could care less what another human being thinks of me.
I love you still. I understand that humans need to feel validated by another persons nothingness. Even when we are in the same boat the way it looks while we are in this boat takes precedence over getting out of the boat.
That’s why so many impoverished people carry out a facade. We buy expensive cars, wear designer pieces, live in luxury homes in fancy neighborhoods so we won’t look like what we are going through.
I get it.
Sometimes living paycheck to paycheck just to get by.
I’m real. I’m real. I’m really really not.
Its all about perception. Our fake versions of reality TV.
The bible warns of us comparing ourselves one to another.
Gal 6:4 Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.
I used to. Compare myself to friends with these good jobs. But the extra money was just money spent on younger men to have a body close because they placed value on things and not matters of the heart. So yes. Money did buy them love. Love of material things. And the shady jokers it would bring.
I compared my single life to those that were married. Failing to realize that some women married husbands just days after finding them in beds with other women. I mean accepting anything just to say they had something.
I used to compare myself to those that lived in lavishly beautiful houses. But what about the elderly people that were swindled out of thousands of dollars as people accessed their accounts, cut checks, and used illegal means to cash checks that were never in their names.
Reality TV was never for me because my life was episodes of close associates and their drama.
They just knew I am my sisters keepers and secrets stay safe with me. Even long after the trust HAS been violated. That’s character. That’s an adult moral code.
I mean I wonder how and why people spread gossip so willingly and maliciously when if the feds got a hold to certain information.
I mean. I’m just saying.
So no. I won’t compare. Things are not always what they appear to be. And things can never replace feelings such as love joy and happiness.
I know. Firsthand.
I have spent the last few years trying to put the pieces of my life back together again. I thought I was so strong. Well maybe I was. But that strength meant nothing. I began to understand 2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
No I’m not strong. I am weak. I cry and bare my weaknesses to my Savior so that His grace which is sufficient for me will give me the strength and His power to help me move when most days I want to lie in bed and give up the fight.
But who gives up. Who gives up when quitting is not an option.
See. I’ve been in more homeless shelters in the past three years than I would care to mention. One is too many. So anything more than that was way too much.
See I wasn’t going to allow a man to put his hands around my throat when he could not control his temper. As my life spiraled out of control I tried to grab hold of the reins, but not having Christ as my backbone yet I had yet to learn to stand straight.
My life was a series of poor choices because of addictive behaviors. Addicted to pleasing the flesh. Actions get repeated; as children only know, like they teach in school, to show your work. Show what you’ve been taught. And continually making the wrong choices had me nearly strung out on anything I was brave enough to try.
So when the young woman with the methadone habit tells me her life story. Stories of bloody diapers, I don’t judge the broken heartedness that has turned her to drugs that corrode teeth when she is only twenty seven years old. I pray. No one knows why people have made the choices they have in their lives. Some callings are so strong that all the enemy wants a person to do is destroy their own selves so they never help their intended targets.
I get it.
So I hear it. Thoughts akin to women in their own feelings casting judgement calls about other women needing attention.
Attention is easy. Pretty women get devalued daily. Pretty women say no, yet it goes unheard. Pretty women get rejected by their own insecure counterparts. Thereby getting attention even though it may be negative.
This is about freedom.
I struggle with walking into my new life because of Col 2:18 Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions.
Yep those folk. Those folk that call Michael the Archangel my Lord and Savior. See that was my family. I mean keeping me away from my blood because they were not the same religion made me grab hold to people who said they loved me, but now if they see me in the street they can’t even speak a greeting.
Not hello. Not hi.
I mean what kind of man made rules are those? Because Gods word says do not add do not take away. Proverbs 30:6. But a scripture that speaks of sitting down for a meal with a person is misconstrued to mean don’t even speak.
Where is the love in that?
Maybe that’s why I once thought all those pills were necessary. I wanted to sleep the sorrows of a life I thought I would never understand away.
But God. But Jesus. He must have been leaning to the Father noticing my search. My diligence. I talked to everyone, nearly, trying to find where He was.
Seek and you shall find.
Oh I was knocking. I needed to get to Him.
Here I am. A storage apartment shy of homelessness and I am grateful. My father thought enough of me to make sure I have a place to rest, get strength through Him, while putting my money away since its rent free now that I finally have a job.
He has shown me the house He plans to move me into.
The large yard means I can finally have a dog. I’ve been wanting one all my life. Now finally! Everyone takes almost ten years off these three and some change decades I’ve been in this world. My joy my peace. I’ve let go of bitterness and revenge. I no longer think anyone owes me anything. I am thankful for everything I get. And every time I walk past my lil broke down putt putt to walk to the bus I just thank God that He is probably going to allow me to see something, have someone speak to me about their testimony or I will be used for someone. Like the young girl who called out my name as I struggled to remember her. Our conversation about God stuck out to her so she remembered me. I am just so happy to finally be an honorable vessel.
Yes. There is freedom in release.
I have my blog. I write to release. More so to build my confidence about telling parts of my story I never wanted seen, since I have ten minute poems that say the same thing.
But God. See its no longer important to carry out a facade. I broke a covenant. Looked at the judge, whose face was filled with uncertainty about the reckless decision being made, with assuredness and knew as my life began to fall apart that, Lam 3:1 I am the (wo)man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. My loving Father disciplines those He needs to correct.
So now I have learned to walk on this straight and narrow path.
Not on my own. Remind you. In my weaknesses I find His strength.
So. My favorite scripture is Joel 2:25, 26 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten–the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm–my great army that I sent among you. 26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.
Yes. A walk into my soon to be garden to pick fresh vegetables. The blessing of a job, overtime, maybe. Maybe not. But my overflow is abundant. The dreams being carried to fruition. I will finish this school thing. Restoration is in this coming season.
So I speak of his goodness because not knowing it fully, losing it totally and finally finding it is a wonder to behold.
I once thought leaning to lil Wayne songs in smoke filled bathrooms was my only pain killer. Until I met Jesus!
He loves me. But He loves you too. And for everyone that grew up like I did, not the way they explained Him to.
So forget the names they will call me. Apostasy, heresy. You cry to Him. Forego the pride to find freedom. I know He did it for me.
He will do it for you too!