My Scripture Challenge

I just got to the point where I could care less what another human being thinks of me.

I love you still. I understand that humans need to feel validated by another persons nothingness. Even when we are in the same boat the way it looks while we are in this boat takes precedence over getting out of the boat.

That’s why so many impoverished people carry out a facade. We buy expensive cars, wear designer pieces, live in luxury homes in fancy neighborhoods so we won’t look like what we are going through.

I get it.

Sometimes living paycheck to paycheck just to get by.

I’m real. I’m real. I’m really really not.

Its all about perception. Our fake versions of reality TV.

The bible warns of us comparing ourselves one to another.
Gal 6:4 Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.

I used to. Compare myself to friends with these good jobs. But the extra money was just money spent on younger men to have a body close because they placed value on things and not matters of the heart. So yes. Money did buy them love. Love of material things. And the shady jokers it would bring.

I compared my single life to those that were married. Failing to realize that some women married husbands just days after finding them in beds with other women. I mean accepting anything just to say they had something.

I used to compare myself to those that lived in lavishly beautiful houses. But what about the elderly people that were swindled out of thousands of dollars as people accessed their accounts, cut checks, and used illegal means to cash checks that were never in their names.

Reality TV was never for me because my life was episodes of close associates and their drama.

They just knew I am my sisters keepers and secrets stay safe with me. Even long after the trust HAS been violated. That’s character. That’s an adult moral code.

I mean I wonder how and why people spread gossip so willingly and maliciously when if the feds got a hold to certain information.

I mean. I’m just saying.

So no. I won’t compare. Things are not always what they appear to be. And things can never replace feelings such as love joy and happiness.

I know. Firsthand.

I have spent the last few years trying to put the pieces of my life back together again. I thought I was so strong. Well maybe I was. But that strength meant nothing. I began to understand 2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

No I’m not strong. I am weak. I cry and bare my weaknesses to my Savior so that His grace which is sufficient for me will give me the strength and His power to help me move when most days I want to lie in bed and give up the fight.

But who gives up. Who gives up when quitting is not an option.

See. I’ve been in more homeless shelters in the past three years than I would care to mention. One is too many. So anything more than that was way too much.

See I wasn’t going to allow a man to put his hands around my throat when he could not control his temper. As my life spiraled out of control I tried to grab hold of the reins, but not having Christ as my backbone yet I had yet to learn to stand straight.

See.

My life was a series of poor choices because of addictive behaviors. Addicted to pleasing the flesh. Actions get repeated; as children only know, like they teach in school, to show your work. Show what you’ve been taught. And continually making the wrong choices had me nearly strung out on anything I was brave enough to try.

So when the young woman with the methadone habit tells me her life story. Stories of bloody diapers, I don’t judge the broken heartedness that has turned her to drugs that corrode teeth when she is only twenty seven years old. I pray. No one knows why people have made the choices they have in their lives. Some callings are so strong that all the enemy wants a person to do is destroy their own selves so they never help their intended targets.

I get it.

So I hear it. Thoughts akin to women in their own feelings casting judgement calls about other women needing attention.

That’s laughable.

Attention is easy. Pretty women get devalued daily. Pretty women say no, yet it goes unheard. Pretty women get rejected by their own insecure counterparts. Thereby getting attention even though it may be negative.

Nah.

This is about freedom.

I struggle with walking into my new life because of Col 2:18 Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions.

Yep those folk. Those folk that call Michael the Archangel my Lord and Savior. See that was my family. I mean keeping me away from my blood because they were not the same religion made me grab hold to people who said they loved me, but now if they see me in the street they can’t even speak a greeting.

Not hello. Not hi.

I mean what kind of man made rules are those? Because Gods word says do not add do not take away. Proverbs 30:6. But a scripture that speaks of sitting down for a meal with a person is misconstrued to mean don’t even speak.

Where is the love in that?

Maybe that’s why I once thought all those pills were necessary. I wanted to sleep the sorrows of a life I thought I would never understand away.

But God. But Jesus. He must have been leaning to the Father noticing my search. My diligence. I talked to everyone, nearly, trying to find where He was.

Seek and you shall find.

Oh I was knocking. I needed to get to Him.

So.

Here I am. A storage apartment shy of homelessness and I am grateful. My father thought enough of me to make sure I have a place to rest, get strength through Him, while putting my money away since its rent free now that I finally have a job.

He has shown me the house He plans to move me into.

The large yard means I can finally have a dog. I’ve been wanting one all my life. Now finally! Everyone takes almost ten years off these three and some change decades I’ve been in this world. My joy my peace. I’ve let go of bitterness and revenge. I no longer think anyone owes me anything. I am thankful for everything I get. And every time I walk past my lil broke down putt putt to walk to the bus I just thank God that He is probably going to allow me to see something, have someone speak to me about their testimony or I will be used for someone. Like the young girl who called out my name as I struggled to remember her. Our conversation about God stuck out to her so she remembered me. I am just so happy to finally be an honorable vessel.

Yes. There is freedom in release.

I have my blog. I write to release. More so to build my confidence about telling parts of my story I never wanted seen, since I have ten minute poems that say the same thing.

But God. See its no longer important to carry out a facade. I broke a covenant. Looked at the judge, whose face was filled with uncertainty  about the reckless decision being made, with assuredness and knew as my life began to fall apart  that, Lam 3:1 I am the (wo)man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. My loving Father disciplines those He needs to correct.

So now I have learned to walk on this straight and narrow path.

Not on my own. Remind you. In my weaknesses I find His strength.

So. My favorite scripture is Joel 2:25, 26 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten–the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm–my great army that I sent among you. 26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.

Yes. A walk into my soon to be garden to pick fresh vegetables. The blessing of a job, overtime, maybe. Maybe not. But my overflow is abundant. The dreams being carried to fruition. I will finish this school thing. Restoration is in this coming season.

So I speak of his goodness because not knowing it fully, losing it totally and finally finding it is a wonder to behold.

I once thought leaning to lil Wayne songs in smoke filled bathrooms was my only pain killer. Until I met Jesus!

He loves me. But He loves you too. And for everyone that grew up like I did, not the way they explained Him to.

So forget the names they will call me. Apostasy, heresy. You cry to Him. Forego the pride to find freedom. I know He did it for me.

He will do it for you too!

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The downpour

I knew it was time to go back to work.

I think I had just come to enjoy my walks around the park, my gym sessions with my friend, and my time with my daughter.

I liked having my time to myself.

But my life like my time is not my own.

So here I am at the new job and already thinking of the next place to be. Always wanting more. I’ve never understood the premise of longevity.

My charge right now is to go through my process and enjoy where I am so I can learn where I am going.

I have already decided I want to finish what was started two years ago.

See the problem was my attitude. I was quick to tell someone where to go with just a look. So every nursing home I went into was a problem. The gift that was given me, I quickly gave up to go back to driving.

Why is it we go back to what used to be every time we are asked to grow into what we can become?

So here I am.

Just having been accepted into my nursing program but I decided I wanted to work.

No wonder the job right around the corner from where I was living was not presented because I could not go someplace that is going to lead me to my destiny if I was going to sabotage it.

I’m here now though. I find out there is tuition reimbursement. Not only is the job full of good people, but the next leg of my journey is going to be paid for.

I mean if God opens a door no man can shut it. See he is the God that will restore the years the locust have eaten.

I get it. As my counterparts have judged me severely for my past transgressions my Father in heaven judged me in mercy and grace. He knew the reasons behind my actions. He understands every action causes a reaction.

There were many things I lost. Like locusts came along and ate my crops. Everything I worked so diligently for in my early years a few bad decisions caused me to lose them all. But in Joel God says He will restore.

See He was looking for my repentance. He wanted me to turn from the past behaviors that was preventing my close fellowship with Him. It is only in being close to God that I can learn how to walk in harmony with the plans He has for me.

So now. I present as a sacrifice a contrite and broken heart for allowing myself to make choices that kept me from being who I am called to be.

Whomever that happens to be.

So here I am. Thankful for being obedient. Thankful I walked into the building when they were doing a mass hiring when so many ladies complained of having tried to get in the company for years.

God is good.

Always. In good and bad. In rain and sun.

See the rain and the abundance of it causes for large crops. You can’t get large crops if you don’t have a lot of rain to nourish the seed.

Trusting the process. My personal process is not like anyone else’s because the things I have done and the woman I am to become is not like anyone else’s.

But I am hopeful. I am excited. This new season of happy expectations mean that even when I was doubtful God had not forgotten me.

He always remembers.

He will never forget!

Just loving and Kind

Why is it that all the crazy events come to follow you on a normally peaceful and beautifully rainy day?

I promise.

Every time it rains I am reminded I need to grow up. Growth, change, and all the seeds planted are about to be watered!!

So. Just getting off work. I am trying to figure out the best route to make it to the babysitter before she has to leave for her event. I have one hour forty five minutes from the time I clock out until her ride arrives.

I get to the green line.

I miss the train trying to add money to that ventra card.

Oh the shenanigans.

So I’m debating. Should I get off and take the bus there or take the train all the way around?

I take the first train which is not my train but it will get me close enough.

So when I get off the train now here is the bus.

Why is this bus driver acting like every missed fare is straight deducted from his paycheck? No. The bus that never came and RTA trip planner told me would be there which caused me to miss fifteen minutes from work but I never tripped.

See those are the things that come out of paychecks. But I never called to complain about the missing bus.

Its attitudes these days.

Why do some black peopke hate each other and when the rest of the world see us as we perceive each other and act on it we mad at the system but won’t address each other.

If the revolution won’t be televised, its probably because the black on black crime never is.

So.

The bus driver is some kinda superhero on a Saturday afternoon when many of us have been at work and won’t let people sit and ride.

He’s so rude.

He’s refusing the woman because obviously she is addicted to something. Or maybe we perceive by her appearance that she is, so he humiliates her.

Even after the man got up to pay her fare.

It wasn’t good enough because he had a free fare card.

Who of us is to say who is good enough? Who deserves something? Who should and who shouldn’t?

Like for real. You turning up your nose at the drug addict because you not one. Not knowing the story. Years ago I had a lady tell me she used to own her own shop. Then her father died and she lost it. Once she got addicted to the substance that changed her life.

Oh I know the drill. I know how the enemy was coming for me heavily.

So I empathize.

People be so quick to say what is a sin and what someone else is, and not show love for the thing a person is struggling with and call themselves something akin to a man who let a prostitute lie at his feet.

I’m so confused.

Anyway. While the bus driver was turning his nose up at this woman his belly was saying. Hi. Hello. Guess what? We’re pregnant. And yes. Its a double cheeseburger with extra bacon from five guys no less.

Maybe his addiction is what American society has come to accept. But that addiction leads to loss of limbs, from diabetes. Broken backs from poor nurses and CNA’s trying to lift and roll him because he can no longer do for himself.

I mean really. At the end of the day they are all debilitating.

So. As he was getting ready to get back on the road after looking at me trying to make me understand why he was being a jerk when I know the rules of public transportation. You can’t be denied a ride with no fare. They can tell you the cost of fare and that is all, but I was just ready to get to my little girl and wrap her in my arms. Since he was so busy trying to be a super jerk cape and all he hit my leg.

I took down all his information. He got nervous then. Like are you really going to call in on me? Am I supposed to have empathy for the man who wanted to self impose his seeming authority to someone he felt was a peon beneath him because of social class in the same racially profiled group of people?

Yes. I am. I have become aware. I have become the woman to walk in love and kindness and forgiveness. No one was hurt and that battle was not mine. But isn’t that something just to think about.

We don’t know what any of us is going through or have been through. So why not just show each other loving kindness.

Beauty is deeper than skin

I once had a really good dude

I mean really good!

I mean shopping money, gold lockets, trips and vacations, paying my bills, loving me more than he loved himself, crying crocodile tears thinking I was going to leave him. At that time my young mindset thought things added value to my life. But he was too young to show me and lead me. I just took what we perceived true love to be. The things we could see. I gave in return. I guess I taught him how to love me. With things.

Thank God for growth.

Because now things don’t mean a thing. Its about spiritually elevating, growing, encouraging and uplifting me mentally.

But he was my best friend. I never would have imagined he would become more. Until one day I opened the door to something that was never supposed to be. I wasn’t attracted to him. Not like that. He was the color of my daughter and I have always preferred people my color pre summer tan and darker.

Not light.

How my baby got here is some DNA code that explains how black women in slavery times would be scared to have a baby after they passed into the other race.

We truly do make all colors.

Anyway. I was hurting. I was lonely. And what I wanted wasn’t available to me at the time so when he suggested we fall in love I said OK. He had never had a girlfriend. So it was an exciting time of becoming his first everything.

See we grew. We dreamed. I pushed. I nurtured. The man that was making 6.25 an hour when we first got together was making $25 an hour three years later. Still dreaming of more.

Coach bag me boo. I wasn’t keen on Louis V. And he loved to surprise me. So I loved him completely.

After all he was my best friend.

When we met, I was detached from the religion of my youth but when he told me he was an atheist I spoke the Word of God so deep into his core being that he believes now. He knows there is a God so I pray like I just recently got to know God in a real way, he will too eventually.

He wanted to be a barber, and a producer.

I encouraged him back then and that’s who he became. Working sometimes three jobs. But that’s what we did. We were ambitious.

Because when he would spend time at my apartment more attentive to my computer on fruity loops than he was to me I just let him dream devoid of me.

The nightmare I was to become by not valuing the man that was a treasure because the enemies temptations kept coming to present what would hurt, destroy, and hate me, to take me away from the one man who ever really loved me.

We were just rather young for marriage in my eyes at the time. He was 22, I was 25. I had more goals to accomplish before I settled down.

But I loved him.

Foolishly giving up a twenty thousand dollar scholarship to Loyola university I received after graduating with a 3.7 from my two year college.

See I wanted to pursue love before I pursued me.

But I lost him, because in not loving me or knowing how I didn’t know how to treasure what saw value in me.

So I get it now.

Someone just posed a question about a girl and her actions about the physical. That’s right girls respond quick to the physical.

I know fine.

Fine will lie about being married for a year then tell you the truth the day before your mothers funeral leaving you despondent and hateful to the world around you. Handsome will wrap hands around your neck, throw you to the ground with knees in your back, and threaten to kill the life in your womb. Good looking will lay with your best friend while you are in the bed next to them both thinking your closed eyes mean you’re asleep. And that other, you know the one, is cheating on you with every one that passes by, and sneaking women out the house while you bang on doors.

Oh yes. I know.

I mean please. I’m so happy Jesus came to get me I don’t know what to do with myself! Trust me. I didn’t know how to find him with all the lies given me all my life.

But the truth shall set you free.

As a woman, not a girl, I get it. I may look young for my age. But these three and some change decades have showed me a thing or two.

See its never about the outside. My God, my heavenly Father judges the heart. So since I’m so naive when it comes to choosing people and still learning discernment I’d rather he choose what’s really meant for me.

I’ve done longevity. Maybe with the wrong person. But our deep friendship had it done the right way.

So.

All that outside the heart and mind is nothing. What’s on the inside?

That’s really what counts. So I add up my worth. Make a few changes. Learn to love me. Stop giving love to those that don’t deserve. Stop giving it hoping to like my e-filed taxes get a quick return.

A person can’t give what’s not into them to. So I say goodbye. So long to what I once knew.

Waiting patiently to become all I have been created to be. And no that’s not lonely. I’ve made a lot of connections over the years that weren’t males. They became sisters. We bond, we build, we uplift.

I get stronger. I love me more.

And know my God is a God of restoration. He always shows you the things that He plans on giving you.

I had it before. I know the next time I get it I AM taking care of it!

Easy breezy will never prepare you for life’s complexities

Its not all about what’s easy.

Sometimes when you truly want something and its really worth it you have to work.

So 2012 I received my assignment. I knew it had to be a blessing from God because I was working at the bus company trying to ward off the attention of the sugar daddy bus drivers when one told me of an opening at the building next door for a CNA program.

Word?

That’s the new prerequisite for nursing programs everywhere. CNA certification. So yes. I’ll take it.

However I had some growing to do.

I took my free class with the free books and uniforms and a weekly bus pass until I revived my first check from my first job and knew that was no coincidence. What others paid a hefty price for it was given to me, freely.

I didn’t want to change my attitude. I thought something about being too good to clean up an elderly person who probably brought so much life to other people. Whose life had probably been more of a blessing than mine ever would. I had a heart problem.

It was hard and hurt from the losses I had sustained and couldn’t help but take out my frustrations on the people around me.

So I gave it up. I went back used my CDL to drive just to make money, but my heart was ministered to. My heart was beginning to be healed. The people I drove talked to me sometimes with the fire of God but mostly in love. Then they would pray for me.

I knew when it was time for me to leave that position but I chose to stay. Until my back was injured in an accident at work to force me out.

Yes. But I’m back now. Back where I was originally placed.

The playful banter of my residents that we engage in keeps me laughing and a smile on their faces. I am there to bring light. I am there to be reminded that I was accepted into my nursing program once. I can be accepted again. So I shall.

Science is fun.

Helping people who can’t help themselves is God’s work through human hands.

So I forget about what’s easy. The easy route always ends up being a problem. You miss the lessons you were supposed to learn along the way. But in this society of fast food chains, and quick easy meals from the store in boxes and frozen pans we have this processed mentality that prevents us from savoring the flavor of life.

I shall savor.

I shall enjoy.

I shall learn. Live. Love.

Know that my journey was built for me to not be a softy, but hard enough to deal with the traumas of patients while loving enough to encourage their loved ones.

I ran from it for years.

But like diamonds, like pearls beautiful this come from an ugly process. From struggle comes strength.

So in my weaknesses I allow Gods strength to mold me into everything He wants me to be.

Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?

Really? What is so hard about speaking? A simple hello will do.

You say you a…

Yep all of that and you can make eye contact with a person and not open your mouth to speak?

Yes I have been guilty of that.

Maybe it was intimidation. Maybe it was assumptions. Maybe it was my woman nature seeing that thing rise up in another woman and being like I don’t have to be bothered with her.

But how can I say I love the One I can’t see if I can’t even show love to the ones I can.

So I’m walking today. I’m feeling good. My co-workers engage me in conversation. I encourage. I be encouraged. Give and take.

So as I am walking home from the library after work a man is staring. I have to make him speak and after he speaks he then garners enough courage to ask me out.

First of all if you are interested solely based on what you see that’s a set up to fail. Secondly, you couldn’t even speak. I had to make you. What kind of a situation will that become. You’re not going to treat me right unless I make you? You’re not going to open a door for me unless I make you? You’re not going to send me flowers unless I make you?

I have one child.

I refuse to raise a man.

No one should tell you the principles of common courtesy. We make eye contact a smile or a hello is alright.

Women and men alike.

How do we miss these fundamentals. A hello is not an I’m dying to be your best friend.

Then people out here want to riot and act crazy when a black boy gets gunned down by police officers.

Well.

They know we can’t rally together for effective change.

We can’t even speak to each other or show love to people, majority of the time. What we can do is act a fool, get more of us killed and get plans in place to impart martial law and put all these unruly folks in the camps they have in place, you know the ones lined with plastic coffins.

That’s probably my off the wall drastic unbalanced thinking. But hey. I’m just saying. What of the possibilities?

Yeah. Without community there is hardly a way to come together and find better solutions to anything.

And really.

It all starts with a simple hello.

Caterpillars and butterflies, let’s be honest. We all have a preference…

I don’t understand the whole caterpillar and butterfly thing.

How many shirts, mugs, tattoos do you see of caterpillars? I’ll wait. I really want to know.

I see the meme’s saying if you didn’t want me while I was a caterpillar don’t come looking for me when I’m the butterfly.

Have you ever paid attention to how that sounds?

First of all a caterpillar is a helpless slowly moving creature that is just waiting on a cocoon to hide in order to make sure the birds don’t make it dinner. They even get eaten by fellow caterpillars. Sounds familiar, hurt people hurt people, and caterpillars want to make sure they are the only blossoming beauty in the bunch so eating another alive and killing it is second nature.

Ladies. Is there a revelation in that?

Caterpillars even have six eyes. Still. Can not form an image. How would I even know if something is for me or against me when my eyesight is limited and hasn’t been fully developed?

That’s right. I sit and chill. I question ostensibly the ones that are interested in a caterpillar in the stage before becoming a butterfly.

I mean for real. What could one possibly want? Why would I want anyone to want me when the goal is to make me the best me I can be so I don’t have to ruin something amazing, lost in my own insecurities. Then i become the one trying to eat the other caterpillars, running around, and mad because who I am with is constantly keeping their eyes peeled for a butterfly. You know the one I missed out on becoming putting someone else before me when in solitude I was supposed to allow God to redefine me.

I almost got caught up. I stay still some days to listen so I won’t get caught by folks lurking again.

Because really the only thing checking for a caterpillar is a predator.

So no. I know how messed up I am as a caterpillar and if you checking for me in this state you recognize the negative traits I am struggling to be rid of. You know, all those hidden things that eventually get left behind in the cocoon.

Now when the butterfly emerges everyone whose path she crosses can’t help but notice the change, but guess what.

That’s right butterflies land. Which means they get a choice in the matter. They land and if the hand they land atop decides they want to cuff the butterfly then look there is a match made in heaven.

So no. Don’t check for me while I am growing. I’m becoming something awesome and amazing. However, when I do become that something awesome and amazing check for me. I just want to let you know didn’t nobody do it but God!

Now I can “spread my wings and fly away. To a place that I long for” no need for pride or revenge. Just a deep desire to love those even the ones that will or have rejected me. That’s not to say I act on the feelings I just share what God has given me to.

Yes. Cocoon hatching is soon coming upon us.

So right now I fall in love with me. I need to be a friend to someone anyone before I can be anything more to them. Since I am working on sister bonding right now male friends are far few and in between.

That’s right. I am learning to check myself. Not exalt myself. Humble myself in my refining and redefining season. I am only interested in being who I was called to be. So yes. The cocoon is necessary. I wouldn’t want someone to want me as a caterpillar when it is only a measure of how wonderful I will eventually become. In Gods timing. His divine time is purposeful.

So patience. Now. A moment of silence. My redefining stage requires focus solely on my daughter and me.

So I will. So I do.

My present to my sisters

I am now committed to walking in boldness. In doing so there will probably be some things I speak on that may be offensive to others.

Growing pains. It hurts to grow and sometimes it requires a painful process to address issues that will inevitably cause our spirits to die if not addressed and corrected.

So.

Why as women do we feel the need to make each other our competition.

Obviously there are a few things that come to mind.

Still I wonder why women choose to make another feel unwanted and unwelcomed when one has no idea what purpose this woman may fulfill in your life. If you don’t know, why create competition.

My sisters and I have strength to encourage and up build in ways men never learn the priority of.

So now. When I see a sister rant. I drop a line. Instead of talking about her. I don’t know her story. I don’t known the pain of her walk in life.

I guess in my experiences in life my desire to uplift has increased with my compassions for the next person. I truly want everyone to find freedom. Freedom from the hurt and pain. Freedom from envy and jealousy. Freedom from isolation and loneliness, not to mention despair.

See we all have gifts to share and how can we do so anchored down by weights designed to keep us from setting sail. After we set sail is the opportunity we have to walk on water no matter how rough the storms seem, there is one that has been placed in and reigning on our hearts that will give us what we need in order to move to the beat that has always been significantly different personalized just for us individually.

So no.

No more competing. We are all so special in our own way. No more judgement calls. We ALL fall short. No more hurtful words for sisters whose stories have been left unwritten and unspoken.

Just love. Just a little bit of love may change someone’s life forever, and in changing their lives they may have the strength to change the lives of the people they interact with.

It’s not about us. It’s about the people we are divinely connected with.

So there. Not wanting to offend keeps our mouths closed and change never coming. No I choose to speak. Speak softly but with authority and in boldness.

Words have been my gift. So now I present them to my sisters to carry into their own worlds.

Are we Victors or Victims..I mean I just want to be Victorious

The MAN at the bus stop saw my daughter running around the water fountain and asked where did she get her running athleticism from because I surely didn’t look like an athlete.

Immediately I got offended.

What do you mean? I just lost eighty pounds since I had my daughter. Don’t you see these long legs. Don’t you see these muscles in my thighs. I am built for strength and power, however not being able to cultivate my strengths left me struggling on what seems to be a never ending weight loss journey.

Why did I get so defensive? Could it be the two cups of corn extra butter and quesadilla I had just smacked down. I shared with my baby of course but I finished her cup and ate mine.

I’m struggling with this greedy gene. Over consuming did not start with food, it’s just the last of my deadly sins I’m struggling with and since giving up the others it seems as if I am over compensating.

So. Why couldn’t I just face the truth in the mans words? Was I being sensitive because I, knowing I could do better, was quick to say I don’t need to change I’m good as I am I’ll just modify.

Sounds like excuses.

Its like a ratchet chick twerking at a fefe then going to church the next day saying well that’s my past, don’t judge me. I’m trying to get my life together.

Actually. Trying to get ones life together would have been avoiding the fefe and the turnup if you know how you are most assuredly going to respond. Yeah, I knew I should have avoided that corner after church but I wanted what I wanted. My waist line be doggone.

See the truth of the matter is if I avoid this junk food my body would begin to take on a more athletic appearance. I know I’ve had it before.

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How long will I justify my behavior, then get mad at people for their honesty?

How long will I avoid what needs to be done because I’m too lazy to take care of business. Some things need to be said. So many are afraid to offend and allow people to look foolish before others not being able to handle the mirror because that man in the mirror might tell them how important change is.

Everybody wants to be a game changer but don’t no body want to put in the long hours of self reflection. No one wants to change. They only want modifications because modifying is comfortable. But getting to the best life ever is uncomfortable.

It sometimes seems as if God tests us to see how much we are willing to sacrifice for Him since He made the ultimate sacrifice for us.

Oh you can’t put down that corn cup? Well I can’t give you the keys to the kingdom. Oh you can’t put down that blue label? Nah nah I can’t let you sit on this throne. Oh you can’t let go of your plethora of fans? Well I won’t give you the helper you need to make it to your best life ever. Oh you won’t let go of your backbiting and gossiping? Well I won’t release your joy and your peace and trust me you are starting to look older than your age.

So. To those folk that keep it one hunnit. SALUTE! People more afraid of opinions than helping each other. People rather play victim than walk in victory. People rather do what’s easy than reach for the reins of success that require hard work and efficacy and sometimes is accomplished by failure.

No one wants to associate with failure. Everyone wants to be Jay-Z & Beyonce 2014, forgetting their humble beginnings. Remember it was once a hard knock life.

So in love. I don’t always say what people want to hear, but love is kind. It would be so mean of me to allow you to look like a fool all your life. Tough love sometimes is necessary. Put on some big boy/girl pantaloons and take the good discard the bad and be thankful that God is a God of correction and discipline.

Whom He loves he disciplines and correction has yet to feel good to me either.

Its life. Like the ocean. Sink or swim. Your choices determine your life. So choose wisely.