I say I’m going to do something and change my mind, a lot.

I am working on impulsively rushing to help someone else. I know the place I’m at. I’m still trying to overcome giving away my life boat when someone else has a safety vest hidden in the background.

Its not that I don’t mean well. Its just in learning the art of selfishness when selflessness comes rather easy to me I give away what I don’t even have to give knowing my God will provide but some things He had already put aside for me. Then I give it away to someone else who is going through a hardship because of their own disobedience.

I can’t please everyone.

I get it now.

So I’m learning not to put something on my plate that I’m really not supposed to be eating because whatever our Father wants for us He being perfect and we being wicked knowing how to give good gifts to our children He will readily do the same.

I know. I’ve been the recipient more than enough times.

I’ll never forget. Growing up Ja Rule was my favorite favorite rapper. I wanted so badly to meet him after the concert. Just so happens my bestie at the time knew his bodyguard. Did I get a hug from my fave and kept it moving. An autograph I later discarded like the rest of the world did him after 50’s rant against the things Ja did, but 50 just copied.

Oh well.

Next thing. I felt an urge to buy Jill Scotts CD. Never heard her but just was drawn to her cover. After I heard Words and Sounds Volume 1, I was blown away. I immediately went and bought my bestie, the same one that helped me meet Ja, a CD. As well as the guy I was dating.

I hear on the radio she is coming to town. I’m like yeah. I want to see her. I call I win the tickets. So many people had won the tickets. The line to get in as late as we were getting there was ridiculously long. As always my companion had a Kong like demeanor taking over. He cut about fifty people to place us at the front portion of the line. I laughed. It was funny. Not to the others and not now to me. But I needed to see Ms. Scott. It was the first of many of her events.

So now. I’m back here in Chicago. The struggle is real. Money flew out of my hand faster than sand while I was in mourning. Raising a child with a missing parents, mine and her other one, is not as breezy even though to the only child in me its a blessing. I’m still learning how to share the things I love most.

Well now as a mother its hars for me to pay exorbent prices for tickets and my daughter always needs something. But I was always going to concerts.

ALWAYS!

I LOVE music!!

I don’t watch much TV.

I can listen to good music all day. In fact now I do. However, back to the story, Jay Z came the year I had my baby. My bestie at the time got those tickets. I wanted to see Watch the Throne. So BAD!!! I mean I was a big Jay fan. I was thankful GCI hooked me up when I was caller number ten but still it wasn’t like before.

Last one a few months before I decided to walk with Christ I had never been to Big Jam. Never saw Kelly Roland, Keyshia Cole and Jeezy and they were there. Funny story.

So one of my three jobs at the time was driving the school bus. I would never get charters. So I’m complaining and complaining. Finally my supervisor hands me a charter. Yes. Its to drive some students to Big Jam. Yes. They had an extra ticket for me.

I wanted to go, but I needed to see how the music made the people respond.

To watch a whole stadium throw up a diamond in Jay’s direction while He stand there like a God makes me understand why Kanye says He’s a God. They get worshipped in those arenas. The children turned up like crazy to Future at the Big Jam concert. I couldn’t stand hearing him rap but his nonsensical lines grew on me eventually. The radio will do that.

Yeah. The Lord my God is a jealous God. His name is jealous. I begin to think about all the times I could recite song lyrics and couldn’t quote one of his words from the bible. OK maybe a few, but not like my whole song catalog. I had a lot of music.

When I threw up my hands at Jay in a diamond shape that he has since changed to a triangle, almost like a pyramid I never gave thought to my actions.

I do now.

The music industry has changed.

Women like Jill that respect themselves don’t get attention these days so what will our children look to?

Yes. I don’t really know too much of anything. I have just experienced a whole lot. I know a lot about the things I lost and realized something about if I had done things different. I mean every friend I ever cuffed is married. The oldest friend called me earlier this year because the things I shared with her shaped her life. I told her God just used me to touch her life because the children she is an amazing teacher to was going to need someone super smart, Ivy League grad, with a firm touch of tough love, but a big heart and capacity for love.

So now. I understand my connections get broken when I don’t stand firm on my promises. Please forgive me. I write to get a clearer understanding of me as I relate to the world. I don’t want to offend the people that God placed in my life for an eventual purpose.

As I grow I get better. As I learn to speak only when necessary I learn how to wait before deciding. This way if its a good choice God can clear the runway for take off.

Sacrifices don’t go unnoticed. God always makes sure we get what we need, it may just be at a time we were not expecting.

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