Gods ways are not my ways.

I get it.

I had my stagehands waiting in the wings because I was sure August was going to be my time to start dating. I was going to finally stop putting folk off and giving them the runaround not wanting to explain I was waiting until I got me together. I thought it was August.

My ways are not God’s ways.

I have a responsibility to take care of. I have an assignment to fulfill. I’ve got dreams to live out. I’ve got a life and a seat at a table prepared for me. I am just being broken in order to get it.

The most arrogant, in my uncles words a high siddity Woodruff, too busy being important to even be able to suck meat out of a turkey neck bone. I asked him wasn’t he a Woodruff? He said yes, but he relates more to his Jackson clan.

Maybe I thought too much of myself. Until a man came a long. His hands broke me down. His words made me ugly. His names assigned a role to me I had never played before.

It all began.

I chose him so whose fault can I make it out to be.

Surely not the friend that hooked us up even though she had already known him intimately. It was a secret to me. And even though I kept asking, because I just felt it they denied religiously.

I chose.

Now I choose a new life.

Now in my breaking season I am learning how to love the new me.

I tried on a dress. The tag says small, but I still feel obese. Even though my shapely frame contradicts what my eyes see. Even still that’s not what makes me beautiful.

These days I go without makeup. Whenever it is time for me to step out with someone he will have been attracted to the me God wanted him to see so the made up face will just be icing on the cake as we make our rounds around town painting it yellow. Like the sun. Filling the hemisphere with the light that shines from within the two of us.

Yes. I have always been a dreamer. I always dreamed big. And paid no attention to those who think little. Now however, I just want to grab hold of those and pull them into my lala land. We can all dream because there is something special about all of us.

So. I wait. In silence. I used to be bold approaching and pursuing that which I wanted. I may not have had faith in my looks, but knew I was gifted in some areas. My way with words for one. But never had to worry about that which I sought after being able to keep.

Nowadays it’s different. I have yet to step out for personal pursuits because if I wait on God I won’t get entangled and ensnared in anyone’s web of deceit. Some men just string women along as if they want to get married in order to keep a growing fan base close.

I’m not easily fooled. Not anymore. Been with enough fools to recognize one before they get too close.

No. I’m wanting the real. But know the next time he’s got to be my friend. My best friend. Like Jay and Bey. Build an empire, but putting God first in the equation keeps a simpler goal in mind. Going after the hearts and souls of people that were once lost to God.

So. My ways are not Gods ways. And I patiently wait for Him to display all He has to offer me. Whenever that may be. I know I can trust Him.

So I begin to.


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