I was inspired by a young woman who had been severely burned as a child but was unabashedly showing her scars as a young adult.
Sometimes we sit and look all dolled up when our scars are not able to be seen and never let another person know the freedom that comes from being able to accept our scars and knowing they have made us who we are today.
I now find strength in that.
I got on the bus earlier this week and smelled the reeking smell of marijuana. It literally turned my stomach upside down. I was already feeling nauseas the smell took me overboard.
I guess I used to be addicted. I used to crave the smell. I used to long for my B. My dude. On the block with his homies, knowing once we got high. Yeah smoking was often partnered with grown up affairs and there was a reason I kept running back to this man for almost ten years. We smoked. We…
Anyway. The smell now filling my nostrils was stale and uninviting. All summer long I have had people blowing smoke in my face thinking I will bite the bullet and go back to my vomit.
But whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
I even explained to my first love that now that I am walking with Christ I am being kept by my Lord and Savior to be prepared for my husband whenever he rides in on his tidal wave ready to surf the tsunami of the life that was given me and the strength he will inevitably have to deal with it.
I can’t have no anybody dude used to pussyfooting it around. Playing too many games for too grown a dude. Only used to the easy girls the rotten apples that fall off the tree so he is afraid to climb to the top where of course I will be waiting. I was built to weather storms and to be successful in this life a woman can’t be concerned about “if you were worried bout where I been or who I saw or what ‘place’ I went to with my homies”. Nah a woman of strength knows that what God has placed together no wo/man can pull apart so she plays her position and pays the other women no mind.
So anyway. My scars.
The one person I loved the most hurt me deepest. Yet the way we politic and play one would never imagine we went through those types of things. Forgiveness runs deep!
See my self esteem issues came from him. The reason why at a size small/medium I still feel so extra large. He let me go because in his words I was too big.
Yet now. I still see big and I love her anyway. #noms to the bagel with extra cream cheese, the Harold’s chicken I shared with my daughter and the birthday cake and ice cream. Yep. No ragrets. I love it! I’m loving me. I’m loving me through Christ who strengthens me.
See the first few months showed me how to accept what I was worthy of. So the following stints of our dying relationships never stopped our love just had a new understanding of how he wanted to treat me. I would not tolerate. But I understood it.
I loved anyway. He hurt. I returned the favor. We were back and forth like a song from the nineties.
See my Savior has taught me how to forgive. Forgive and let go. Let go as in we won’t even recall the situation. I mean isn’t that what love does. It does not keep a record of wrongs.
I will always love. True. Acting on those feelings is different. Loving what God has ordained for me in my life means we love and appreciate the past for the lessons given, but let go and let God have His way on our lives.
I believe God.
There were things I was supposed to never forget about how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Explanations about what a father is supposed to do. I lived vicariously through his childhood of having both parents and especially the things his mother explained.
So change comes. The past is a propeller to the future. Christ loved all. I mean he sat with and loved on those that needed Him. It is the sick that need a doctor. I guess that’s why I wasn’t allowed to be raised up in church. Maybe like the apostle Paul I needed to be ready to be all things to all people.
Oh you smoke? I used to. The taste is gone and utterly repugnant to me now. I asked though. I asked. He gave.
Oh your flesh is weak? Every every person worth going back to has tried me. I ask the Lord to keep me. He does. He keeps me.
Arrogant? Oh my. Am I being broken. But it is in this broken state that I learn to depend on no one but my Lord. I know He will provide a way.
Things I never wanted to speak about. He has given me wise and wonderful older sisters that I am allowed to let my hair down with, and confess my sins one to another so I can reach out for His forgiveness!
Ask and you shall receive.
I speak it I live it. The struggle is there. I speak on what I am living as an overcomer. Not to brag on myself but on what GOD my Daddy has done for me through His Son seated on the right hand side of Him. Whom the Son sets free. I speak it. I live it. It is my testimony.
I show my scars.
Not caring who accepts or rejects me. Some people are not supposed to want to be in my circle so when they are not invited to stay they won’t get offended. My Daddy is kinda particular about me. He has to be. I was quite sheltered from the world, even in my mess it was a protective barrier around it. They say I don’t look like I smoked for thirteen years. Maybe not everyday. Or every month. But the last seven years of that thirteen BY the end of it all I was almost at a pack a day.
He restores. I sit on his promises. No He is not a man that will lie. Nor a human who changes His mind.
HE IS NOT A GOD OF A SECOND CHOICE. Unless He already knew that second choice was going to be made from the beginning as He had to raise up someone of His own choosing!
See He never promised Saul an everlasting kingdom. Maybe God knew from the beginning He was going to have to choose someone else and He chose David. Someone who did sinful things as our flesh has the tendency to do, but his love of God was complete. He was willing to make a fool of himself.
So I bare my scars. Nah. I’m not deep. I don’t know the meaning of head shaking. Until last year I never saw praise. I never saw hands lifted. I never cried to God in public. I mean I rarely cried at all. Especially though not in public. I never danced. I never leapt. I never ran. I never even saw it before last year.
I see it now. But my spirit longs for these acts to my Father in appreciation for all He has done. Yes. I will write. I will share. Maybe not here. Maybe in novel format. Maybe its already done. Maybe they are already completed. Maybe maybe maybe.
But I know for a surety God loves me. As he does all of us. He sent His Son to showcase that love.
So all I’m doing is showing my gratitude. I shall. If I make even more of a fool of myself. I shall!