I once had a really good dude

I mean really good!

I mean shopping money, gold lockets, trips and vacations, paying my bills, loving me more than he loved himself, crying crocodile tears thinking I was going to leave him. At that time my young mindset thought things added value to my life. But he was too young to show me and lead me. I just took what we perceived true love to be. The things we could see. I gave in return. I guess I taught him how to love me. With things.

Thank God for growth.

Because now things don’t mean a thing. Its about spiritually elevating, growing, encouraging and uplifting me mentally.

But he was my best friend. I never would have imagined he would become more. Until one day I opened the door to something that was never supposed to be. I wasn’t attracted to him. Not like that. He was the color of my daughter and I have always preferred people my color pre summer tan and darker.

Not light.

How my baby got here is some DNA code that explains how black women in slavery times would be scared to have a baby after they passed into the other race.

We truly do make all colors.

Anyway. I was hurting. I was lonely. And what I wanted wasn’t available to me at the time so when he suggested we fall in love I said OK. He had never had a girlfriend. So it was an exciting time of becoming his first everything.

See we grew. We dreamed. I pushed. I nurtured. The man that was making 6.25 an hour when we first got together was making $25 an hour three years later. Still dreaming of more.

Coach bag me boo. I wasn’t keen on Louis V. And he loved to surprise me. So I loved him completely.

After all he was my best friend.

When we met, I was detached from the religion of my youth but when he told me he was an atheist I spoke the Word of God so deep into his core being that he believes now. He knows there is a God so I pray like I just recently got to know God in a real way, he will too eventually.

He wanted to be a barber, and a producer.

I encouraged him back then and that’s who he became. Working sometimes three jobs. But that’s what we did. We were ambitious.

Because when he would spend time at my apartment more attentive to my computer on fruity loops than he was to me I just let him dream devoid of me.

The nightmare I was to become by not valuing the man that was a treasure because the enemies temptations kept coming to present what would hurt, destroy, and hate me, to take me away from the one man who ever really loved me.

We were just rather young for marriage in my eyes at the time. He was 22, I was 25. I had more goals to accomplish before I settled down.

But I loved him.

Foolishly giving up a twenty thousand dollar scholarship to Loyola university I received after graduating with a 3.7 from my two year college.

See I wanted to pursue love before I pursued me.

But I lost him, because in not loving me or knowing how I didn’t know how to treasure what saw value in me.

So I get it now.

Someone just posed a question about a girl and her actions about the physical. That’s right girls respond quick to the physical.

I know fine.

Fine will lie about being married for a year then tell you the truth the day before your mothers funeral leaving you despondent and hateful to the world around you. Handsome will wrap hands around your neck, throw you to the ground with knees in your back, and threaten to kill the life in your womb. Good looking will lay with your best friend while you are in the bed next to them both thinking your closed eyes mean you’re asleep. And that other, you know the one, is cheating on you with every one that passes by, and sneaking women out the house while you bang on doors.

Oh yes. I know.

I mean please. I’m so happy Jesus came to get me I don’t know what to do with myself! Trust me. I didn’t know how to find him with all the lies given me all my life.

But the truth shall set you free.

As a woman, not a girl, I get it. I may look young for my age. But these three and some change decades have showed me a thing or two.

See its never about the outside. My God, my heavenly Father judges the heart. So since I’m so naive when it comes to choosing people and still learning discernment I’d rather he choose what’s really meant for me.

I’ve done longevity. Maybe with the wrong person. But our deep friendship had it done the right way.

So.

All that outside the heart and mind is nothing. What’s on the inside?

That’s really what counts. So I add up my worth. Make a few changes. Learn to love me. Stop giving love to those that don’t deserve. Stop giving it hoping to like my e-filed taxes get a quick return.

A person can’t give what’s not into them to. So I say goodbye. So long to what I once knew.

Waiting patiently to become all I have been created to be. And no that’s not lonely. I’ve made a lot of connections over the years that weren’t males. They became sisters. We bond, we build, we uplift.

I get stronger. I love me more.

And know my God is a God of restoration. He always shows you the things that He plans on giving you.

I had it before. I know the next time I get it I AM taking care of it!

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