The basic premise of Truth

I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes, *bleep* $oes, I suppose. I just want to be I just want to be successful. I just want to be, I just want to be successful.


My mind was blinded by the material things and the things this world offered. So I sang this song with my soon to be baby’s father and felt that success was never too far away.

I didn’t know that while I dreamed of success, he kept entertaining failure.

Like a dog returning to ones vomit every time you get on your feet you return to the very thing that seems to knock you off and I’m not talking Donnell Jones style.


Something kept pulling him back and taking his success and putting him back about ten steps.

Then has the audacity to turn the attention away from the root by pointing fingers at the result and consequences.

I mean for real how many good women that know how to pull a man up going to deal with a man that can’t stop being deceitful, manipulative, and cheaters?

Not the ones I know that love themselves and value their lives.


I wanted success, he knew he was unequally yoked with me because he wanted to stay stuck stagnant in his past loving someone that kept him from being a better version of himself. So eventually we had to part ways.

Unfortunately it was after I had chosen to stop my second to last semester at UIC to make sure he made it to his doctors appointments and surgeries when the rest of the world turned their backs on him. I mean I was the same chick that was fighting in the club with his drunk behind and the same woman he wanted to fight when questions arose about him constantly returning to his vomit.

Such is life.

But he knew, almost prophetically.

He told me a dream.

In the dream I was leaving with the baby for good. He tried to run after me but something was preventing him from moving. He woke up with tears on his face.

I thought I was reassuring him that I was going nowhere when really I was doing nothing more than lying to him unawares that his lack of restraint and constantly moving backwards in slow motion was going to give him the setback of his life.

Yes. I had to walk. He had to sit. Maybe it was in being caged like an animal for a couple of weeks that keeps him barking about me ruining his life.

Yeah yeah yeah. What about accountability?

We were lost to each other and to our goals for success in life. All because of not being able to move forward and leaving the past behind.

I learned a lesson.

When exes present themselves I try my best to avoid them like the plague. They tell me they come to my church looking for me. I say thank you Lord, you kept them from crossing my path. They get people to get in touch with me for them. I avoid the friends after so they know never to let someone who doesn’t have my number to come through my phone line. I change numbers like toilet tissue rolls.

We tried. We failed.

All we will do is try and fail and waste more time again.

I believe if the person was for my future God will keep them hidden until I am ready for them and everyone else is really just a lesson to learn from to teach and prepare me.

Maybe I’m wrong. Only God knows.

Now I aim for success.

I asked God to remove my roadblocks.

He showed me Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.

I didn’t know how to get close to Him before. Now my worship, my praise and my relationship with His Son. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ allows me to be put in Jesus hand and no one can take me out.

This way I am presented to the Father, and He honors His word. Since He is not a man that will lie, nor a human that changes His mind.

So. I walk this path of success. I dream big. I know if I dream big my big God, the Almighty, mighty, able, strong in battle, victorious, you know the one who always wins. Yes Him. He will fight for me and set me on straight paths to assist me in becoming everything He created me to become.

So I sit on a wall of faith, sandwiched between love and patience and know my God is worthy. Worthy of all the praise. So I may not seek material things anymore, but I do believe the type of success He will give will blow my mind.

So. I exchange my former mindset for the new me and know the truth.

You can never go forward when you are constantly looking back.


My single life has taught me so much…

I had a thought enter into my head after the unspoken of altercation occurred.

I need a man.

Quickly I apologized to God because if I was looking to man for protection, or to supply a need then I was taking God out the equation, limiting his capabilities and I know for a fact there is nothing impossible for the God I serve.

False Gods are limited. They lack the ability to deliver. Or even a poor understanding of how relationship with the true and living God in heaven, YHWH. Jehovah. You know. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

That great God. You know. The one with the Son. Jesus. That great name. The one every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess He is Lord, to the glory of God. On earth, like us now. Or in heaven. That’s Phillipians 2:10, 11 if you weren’t a believer.

You know I have to stress that. My childhood was based on false notions, almost like Santa Clause. But instead of pretend people it was misconstrued ideologies of bible interpretations. Yes all the people I was allowed to befriend as a child believed the same thing. Yes. Sometimes I miss my friends and wish we could all come out of darkness.

But most of them cannot talk to me based on the fact I go to church. Because we were raised to believe we should never go into one. Anyway, back to the point at hand, I was raised to believe unscriptural things for example like paradise would be on earth. But I read paradise was in the third heaven. You know I had been born into that religion that remixed bible doctrines. Yes childhood friend. I did forget everything I was taught as a child when I started learning that the major stuff had been false. Oh yeah that scripture is in 2 Corinthians 12: 2-4. It was when I read that my whole world shifted.

I had been taken out of Egypt like the Israelites because God wanted to set me free from religion so that I was free to worship Him.

Yes. No religion. Especially when the only religion that is acceptable to God according to His word is the one at James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.


But as I called brothers searching for repentance and letting them know of my change they called me that word. That D word that meant I had been put out.

What? wait? No meeting? No three elders? Just a decision given to me over the phone on three way with another man.

I am thankful. Had I not been rejected and turned away, I would not be free to worship God my Father in this way by being placed in the hand of Jesus His Son.

I am blessed.

So here I am. Knowing the strong God who brought me out of darkness would be able to protect me after a little altercation.

I mean wasn’t I the same woman who told someone I was never getting married. It didn’t seem necessary to me at the time. It didn’t look like fun.

Fun to me was my career. I’m all or nothing. Back then I was. I am now learning balance. How could I become wildly successful if I am catering to a man which happened to be my habit? Fun to me was traveling. Fun to me was concerts. Fun to me was the thought of painting together, or cooking classes together, or something outside the norm. Fun to me was soliloquies that should have been monologued and scripted and then acted out. Fun to me was poetry. Fun to me was plays and Broadway. You know Savion Glovers bring in the noise, and Alvin Ailey.

Men that looked like me seemed to like the block, or Jay’s, that they profiled on the block, or speakers in trunks to blast in the hood while they were waiting on getting out of old schools with chrome shoes to show off their Jay’s. Or. Movies. Cliche. Or dinner. At Fridays.

I mean I may be a product of the hood, but I am not a ghetto progeny.

I like the arts.

I was limited.

I get bored easily, so I have learned the art of chill.

Especially now in my new walk with Christ. Now that my Savior keeps me, and keeps my flesh from running to flesh to meet needs that only spirit can meet. Only His precious Holy Spirit.

So I’m chilling.

I am learning. Like every great student I get excited about what I learn. I just be wanting to share.

I can’t boast about what I learn. I can only boast about the fact that Christ is willing to teach me something. Me?!? Y’all.

Me who used to be nothing. Used to spend some months sixty hours knocking on folks doors and handing out pamphlets because I thought if I didn’t do that God would not accept me in His final day and not allow me to live in His Paradise which I thought was going to be on the earth.

See I never believed paradise was in heaven. But some will actually read that and still believe God made a mistake. I mean my God. Deliver us. I was once so indoctrinated.

So. Yes. I enjoy my single life. I do what I can do right now to become a better version of the woman God called and created me to be. Its just now I believe somebody out there will be willing to love me and my quirky self just the way I am. I learned that because I truly believe now that I have a relationship with God that He loves me and since He created me He created me to be a match for someone too.

Its not my focus.

Its my understanding.

I sit in patience. What is for me is for me. God called me out of darkness to do something I have yet to understand what it is. So until then I keep busy.

I write a blog. I love writing. I write.. Sometimes, when my creativity is ignited. I read. I work. I love on my little girl. I go out with my girlfriends. Cause most of us are living. Single. In a not so nineties kinda world, I’m glad I got my girls. Ha. I Strass shoes with beads or add bowties to shirts. I plan karaoke outings and reggae wind ya body fun times. I read my word. I talk to God. I make up songs for Him. I live and I live more abundantly. Cause Christ came to get me and give me life. I keep busy to resist the devil so he can flee. And I choose not to entertain the attentions of men I know God has not said is the one for me.

See now I let thoughts pass by and wait on Gods hand showing me. Be real about what I need and allow God to meet them.

He knows the plans.

He cannot fail.

So I just watch Him work and in my praise cheer Him on!

Motives and Motivation

Whats your motives behind what it is you are doing?

I’ve had so many people approach me about pushing their products because the model for encouragement is what they push their reps to do in order to lure people in.

No. I don’t have an ulterior motive.

I don’t need one. I find that giving is better than receiving. The changes that people make is a blessing when they begin to live in a way that pushes them closer to the Father.

Money? I’ve had pretty decent jobs. That didn’t bring happiness. So why would I do what I love and make it a job if I am not promoting God who will teach me how to promote me when its time for the work I have been doing for Him to be seen.

I realize that so many people come off as trying to better others when in reality they are trying to better their pockets. Not people. There is something about the excellency that follows a person that loves what they do.

I had a personal trainer around the time my mother died. He met with me first because understanding weight loss is holistic he had to understand me as a client to best know how to give me what I needed. His handouts, emails, and words were fundamental to my overall well being. Not just my aesthetics.

He sent me links of books to read, he talked about the things that I was holding onto that was preventing my weight loss. He read. He knew that the physical could never be activated and maintained I the mental was never addressed.

See everything happens in the mind. Once you see it you achieve it.

He would often carry my thirty minute session over into two hours. I guess it was working. I was losing five pounds of fat per week. Not weight. Fat loss made sure that my toned body stayed that way and became even more firm.

He loved to help people. He provided a solution.

I can motivate you all day long. Obviously you need the motivation because you don’t know how to do it yourself so if I give you a model without showing you how to carry it out then really I’m shooting darts no target on sight. May as well let the wind carry it.

I mean really what are your motives?

Did someone tell you you would never be anything so now it’s about proving those words untrue, feigning interest in helping people to achieve your motives? Do you do what you do because no one ever gave you the right type of attention so now you need everyone to see you? Do you need validation? Or are you really only interested in money?

I had to take a real critical look at myself and answer those questions. It was a yes to all.

So now I give.

I give encouragement. I give my words. No I’m not selling anything. Maybe I  building a brand, but with every brand free samples are how you show people that I’m not here for your money. I’m here to make sure you get a taste of what you may want and even may need.

So for real. What are your motives?

Wake UP: Pay attention

I used to think it was necessary to constantly justify my behavior.

Well I loved him because he was kind to me.

Or I gave her gifts because she gave me a sob story about xyz.

Or I didn’t fight back because ABC.

Blah blah. Yadda yadda. The list goes on.

Until I hear someone speak about someone’s worship. I mean I keep hearing it. In this place and that place, over here over there.

I mean everywhere.

The old me would’ve probably cursed someone out and gotten defensive because if you’re talking about her I can only imagine what you say about me.

I’m a worshipper.

Jesus talked about a sinful woman and gave an example via parable surrounding her actions. Luke 7:36-50. I read that account. When the glory hits the house I can’t stop making a fool of myself dancing, leaping, crying in the presence of the Lord. In fact I’ll make a bigger fool of myself than that. I know who i used to be and so does He.

How can one be so familiar with the creator of all things that they question why another person worships Him the way they do?

Second scripture. Rom 9:20 But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?'”

I used to ask Good why did He make me this unique individual that really doesn’t care what others think. Why did He create in me such a deep love that while I wanted to run from a boyfriend that cried on my shoulder every time he got the thought I was going to leave him but I stayed. A former atheist now has a relationship with the Most High.

No. I can’t ask about me. I surely won’t ask about another.

I won’t ask how a person that is supposed to be in their own place of worship is able to worry about what sacrifice another presents to God. I meet a co-worker. She tells me she goes to my church and is always on the altar. Well well well. How about that?

I am too. But I am so busy worshipping God I never had a chance to notice her. I am putting the perfume at His feet. Washing with my tears. Had you told me the first time I walked in New Life, seated in the bleachers that every Sunday I’d be at the altar dancing, singing and worshipping God I would have laughed at you.

Look whose laughing now. Sometimes I think God had a very unique sense of humor.

I’m not big on eyes on me. I hide gifts. Try to give them away, but now I am standing still in the presence of God. He entrusted me. So I believe his great wisdom and knowledge is for the betterment of my life.

So I worship. I worship for real. I never want to miss out on the blessing God has for me because instead of going in foolish in the eyes of man, unreserved in the eyes of God, receiving what He was giving out to His true worshippers. The ones not distracted by anything.

Like spirits recognize like spirits. The only reason some recognize what they call spirits of distraction is because they carry it and are easily distracted.

But nothing, no thing and no one comes in between loving on my Daddy. I been separated from Him too long.

That’s right. I can’t hold back. My praise cannot be contained. Determined to give God. Give Him everything. I can’t give Him my everything focused on what the next person is doing to give God what He is worthy of.

But it is well.

Worrying about who I’ve not been assigned to is the best way to get distracted and send me off course. I’m not interested in distractions. I’m ready for God to fulfill His promises in my life.

He will. He will do everything he said he will.

So until then I just continue to give Him the best parts of me. Worshipping in Spirit and truth. Waiting in patience. Loving Him always!

So no explanation necessary.

I am slowly but surely turning into who he called me to be.

Star gazing

Why would you chase stars when you’ve got or are supposed to be pursuing a jewel?

Like for real. Why do guys get hurt by a woman and decide that they have to one up that woman by choosing women whom others say look like a model, or have star qualities, or have a lot of fans to make the woman that left look back like well if she wants him I must’ve messed up a good thing.

Trust me. Most women aren’t paying attention.

Well maybe I just never did.

But even if they are haven’t you ever heard that success is the best revenge.

Like what would make a person think that having a plethora of failed relationships with people that others would ooh and ahh about be so much better than a successful relationship with whom others consider to be a nobody.

What happened to letting God lead you to find the one that was designed to be by your side to make you into the person God created you to be.

It was fun.

It was fun finding the one that was going to make the one that hurt me the most feel the most lost.

Until I lost everything.

Loving a facade for the wrong motives then becomes revenge and when I take God’s vengeance in my own hands then how can I expect Him to fix my situation? How can I expect Him to give me what He planned on giving me if everything and my motives ask for others to look and see what I have so I grab something that is going to hurt my progress because it never was for me. So I chase an illusion forgetting my own dreams, caught up in pursuing someone else’s I miss out on my opportunity.


Why chase stars when a diamond is just getting extracted from the cave it’s been hidden in, forming in, ready to be cleaned up in. So it can shine.

Stars are already planted exactly where they are supposed to be.

But a rare jewel’s value will only add to ones personal worth.

Yes. Its time to grow up.

No more playing reckless games pushing one further away from destiny. Its time to be bold. Walk in confidence and surety.

Knowing chasing illusive objects fail miserable. I know how to win. I plan to win. I aim to win.

Failure only leads to victory as you learn what not to do the next time. As long as I never give up in defeat.

So star chasing. No thanks. Star gazing, sure. Its always been nice to look at, tempted to touch but every desire doesn’t have to be acted on. Let them shine, and don’t let wrong motives and moves dull their brilliance.

Because the only one who truly gets hurt is the one with the ulterior motives.

Happy Birthday. The gift I’m giving is forgiveness…

This is a disclaimer.

This is a letter to my ex-husband.

I just hope he will read it.

It’s your big number.

Welcome to the dirty thirty club. You’ve finally arrived. No literally. You’ve made it.

You’ve gotten on the train to forgiveness road and it’s time to let go.

I was wrong. I know. I loved you though.
You were my friend, my protector. You gave me knowledge. My lover, my confidant, calm in the middle of my storm. You were my strength. I looked at the ring your mother once wore on her finger and knew you loved me more than you were willing to admit to yourself. Your tears on your cheeks couldn’t soften my hard heart.

I was hurt.

You knew why.

You helped me get my stuff. I looked at you in awe. You had no fear. You were so bold. I felt safe.

I knew as we found solace and comfort in each other making you miss your games that if we didn’t become honest with our feelings we were going to lose our friendship forever.

See the plan was. Well you already know. I try to follow instructions. I try to go along with the plans.

Who plans on not falling on love with their husband/wife?

We did.

We failed.

I was so deep in.

But my pride.

I really was married to pride. Not you. See when you said don’t fall I got in my feelings. So when I saw you fall I said that’s what you get, and denied my own feelings.

So when you gave me my ultimatum, well you already know.

I know the judge saw something. He asked was I sure. No. He asked were we sure. You looked at me. I looked at the vision in my mind of the man who asked me to make this choice. I was not sure. But as you rejected me as your wife, me being married to my pride had to reject you as my husband.

What I didn’t know was four months later my mother’s funeral was going to be on what would have been our one year anniversary. What I didn’t know was the man I chose would finally tell me the day before the funeral that he was married. The man that asked me forcefully to make a choice hiding who he was made sure I got my just desserts.

Who wouldv’e known that at that moment I needed the comfort and love from your mother. The ring that she allowed you to give me was a symbol of the full circle bond that I was going to need to get me through so I would follow my husband into the field I was always meant to go into.

I lost my way.

I asked someone did you make it out your masters program. They told me you did.

I was happy.

I know it was a struggle.

The discipline I have received from God putting me on the right path has been the thing that was a part of my struggle to grow up.

See I gave my life to Christ. I have asked my Father to forgive me for letting you, my gift he gave me to make my tough time easier, go.

So now I ask you.

Happy birthday.

You are one of the most kind, amazing, loving, charismatic, intelligent, daring, studious and hard working people I’ve ever met. Your love opened my heart. Being a fool in my folly made me give the heart God used you to begin to heal to someone who never deserved it.

My open letter to you is asking you to let go of the pride. Don’t chase stars if God has given you a jewel.

See sometimes when we’ve been hurt we chase the illusive so if we don’t get it we can justify not getting it. We don’t go for what’s for us because we are afraid to get it and be hurt by it. Never appreciating or getting too attached to the star because it’s not the jewel we know we deserve.

I know I was hurt. You know why.

Hurt people hurt people. But now. Now I’m asking for forgiveness. The forgiveness is so you can reach your destiny, which is so great.

It’s hard to reach your potential when you have anchors on your heart.

So know this. Change comes when one let’s Jesus be their Lord and Savior. He raised me up and changed me. He purged me and is cleaning me. I’ve been through, like you. But as long as we lean on and rely on God to carry us where He wants us to go the sky is the limit.

So. I let go of being who others expected me to be and I followed God. After having been kicked out of school, I’m now ready to go back to be a nurse. I guess I’ll see you one day down the road taking directions from you Dr.

Yes. Now I’m a believer. Praying for your freedom and your faith.

That’s right. You were always supposed to let go and let God.

So in doing so I ask that you accept my apology. No more holding onto the pain of the past. See I had to divorce pride in order to become a bride of Christ.

So now I wait on Him. I can be still. Hoping that you allow Him to lead you to your destiny. Taking the high road of forgiveness.

Sometimes God leads us to Follow…His Holy Spirit!

My friend from childhood asked me a Question when I told him I was no longer interested in the religion of our youth and was now going to another place to worship.

After a little head shaking in amazement and questions regarding everything we had been taught he said, “What makes you so special that God will tell you something He doesn’t tell the rest of us.”

I can’t begin to imagine.

But He does. He always seems to hear me.

Like when I was pregnant. I asked of one thing for my daughter. Shamed to say it had nothing to do with her health but still He gave it to me along with her health.

I asked though.

I notice people looking at me. I catch them look then turn away so as not to speak and I ask God why.

He gives a reply and up until today I thought it may have been me always thinking someone doesn’t like me for no good reason.

So I am about to hand something to someone. I hear that same old voice tell me one person was going to say no thank you to what I had to offer. Indeed the person did. When I felt the urge to look I saw them holding what they rejected from me after being given it by someone else.

People who have their own feelings of inadequacies try to push their insecurities off on others. So no, how could I take offense. I had already been warned. I was prepared. I have been through all types of hell on earth to let the enemy try to use someone to reject something to get me to question myself about being good enough. I don’t care anymore who I am not good enough for if I am good enough in the eyes of my Father.

Yes He hears me. He shows me. He speaks. I listen. I look. I am willing to be guided.

Again I wonder why.

So I am doing some research on David.

Why was David a man after Gods own heart?

We all know about Bathsheba but before that.

When David was on the run from Saul he would pillage through whole towns and kill every inhabitant in that land leaving no one behind as witnesses.

I had this conversation with someone about if someone has killed someone does that make them a killer. No one can give a man a name but God, but humans do it to justify their own behavior. Like I ain’t never killed anyone. I just backbite, gossip, betray, be hypocritical, try to pull the lint out of my brothers eye and there is a whole log in mine cause my heart and my motives are wrong.


Yeah. David did things. His things were a result of his circumstances. But his heart was inclined towards pleasing God and being submissive to Him. Even though Saul was his enemy he knew that was Gods anointed and avenged his death and the death of those from his house because He understood the serious nature of touching Gods anointed.

Yet some can’t seem to stop killing folks with words.

I know. I see that which I have experienced or used to be and since I have been through a lot I recognize a lot of former traits and things in others. Especially the things that are a daily constant struggle. I just know how to keep my mouth off Gods appointed people.

So yeah. David. A man after Gods own heart was willing to obey. He sought God on most occasions before he acted. When he did wrong he accepted his judgement and still was able to give God glory instead of sulking and angry that a righteous and holy God who has been a God to constantly deliver him out of the hands of his enemies is still God deserving of praise and honor.

As I sat talking to a young woman today about not beating herself up over falling. Just use Jesus as the crutch He made himself to be when He said He would bear our sins and get right back on up. Fall seven times get up eight.

See like Solomon somethings just become a part of our bloodline and we struggle for the rest of our lives. But still God is the only one that can see the heart if the inner man.

So yes. I’m still wondering why God tells me, loves me when I know who I used to be.

Yet I fall back and accept this grace and mercy he so patiently and lovingly doles out and know I am a new creature in Christ.

I mean my Savior came to save those in need of saving so who is anyone to ever question Gods ways which are not like our ways.

Yes. Indeed. I will fall back and accept. My God is big and wonderful. There is more than enough of Him to go around. So its time to let Go of human thought and let God’s Holy Spirit lead.

You’d be amazed what you learn when you learn to fall in line with submission and follow.

Letting go to gain my New Life

I do. I do want to get close.

I know who I am connected to, yet I avoid them like the plague.

Its the rejection I am being delivered from.

I sat on my aunts couch. She knows ‘they’ will give her flack about me visiting but since I was there on business it may not be so bad.

Anyway. I sat on her couch as a woman I knew from a lifetime ago asked who my daughter was. She hasn’t seen So’Leil since a baby so she wouldn’t have readily recognized the gangly preschooler. My aunt tells her that’s Radiance’s daughter. She says I haven’t seen Radiance in so long. My aunt gets quiet.

See these man made rules can’t have her asking how I am doing. See really she can’t be concerned. She wouldn’t have been able to speak to me if she did see me.

But I’m not who they say I am.

I kept looking and looking for the scripture that said one could not speak a greeting to one who does not follow the laws of the Bible. I saw grace and mercy. I saw 1 John 3:7. He who lives righteous is righteous. I see my Father is a forgiving God. One who removed my shame and condemnation. So how does He condone man’s pushing me away from him. How am I supposed to get my fellowship in when I am admonished not to forsake the gathering of one another when I have been kicked out and no one can speak to me?

Especially when the way it was done was against their own rules. But when man makes rules they can break them too.

So I sat there. I am reminded. Only the great I Am can tell you exactly who I am. Not a man made word that’s not even in the Bible. I mean didn’t God say don’t add to it or take away from. Yet I was raised in this darkness l longed for light begging to get right but man made rules could not break the chains and yokes that had me bound.

Now I’m free. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

The people who had my flesh, call and text most days to get ignored for days on end. You only want what I am not willing to give unless it’s to my husband. When I get stressed I don’t reach for the things that are damaging and harmful to my body. I talk to my heavenly Father.

I have changed.

No man made rules can get the credit for that.

While my old friends shun me for my decision to walk into a church when it was strictly forbade all our lives I relish the real and new remarkable God has placed before me. Or those folk that shun me for the poisonous words spoken by those whose darkest secrets I carry I am thankful that in my new foundation of the Bible and a firm understanding so I walk in forgiveness and know that the fruits are bared amongst my enemies.

What types of tragedies have befallen my enemies with slanderous, contentious, and divisive tongues?

I won’t speak them. I pray heavily. But when you learn how to think on your own you can pay attention to the minor details. Money isn’t it. Money will never be the fruit of a persons goodness. Some of the wealthiest people are the worst people. See the devil offered Jesus all the kingdoms. Why you think all the music artists talk about selling their souls. How many Judas’s betrayed to get others to firm against me to prevent them from seeing the wickedness in their own hearts.

I mean you can’t believe the testimony of a tainted witness right?

So. I am learning how to let people in. I was so afraid of being shunned, rejected, and humiliated because of my former hurts. But God!!

But God!

He is pulling everything together. He pulled those away for a reason and everything I lost I count it rubbish to gain Christ.

Yes. I follow my Lord and Savior. Jesus is his name. Whisper His name. Jesus! I am one of his disciples. I can’t get through to the Father unless I go through Him. So I do.

I fall in love. I wipe his feet with oil when I use my words to adore him. Yes.

I am in a good place. And for once in my life, I am thankful. And HAPPY!!

I think, nah I know, I shall stay with my Savior forever! No one can take me out his hand so yes. I cop a squat and get comfy. He is restoring me and adding to my life, so for that I give praise, glory and honor.

Forever and ever. Amen!

Analytical mind

I don’t know.

Its something in me that marvels at being the oddball in a world where trend is law and unless you ascribe to the decided upon prescription then no one wants a dose of your goodness.

Nah. I’m good.

I enjoy being an individual.

I can recall the men I dated thinking I was too much for them because I analyzed too much.

You think too much Rae.

Usually because I was putting logical sense in the middle of the lies being told me.

Maybe that’s why I am one of only a few that has been able to break away from a religion that held such a manipulative hold on its members. A little logic, a little reasoning, and a whole lot of God.

Like my daughter often tells me when I ask her how she knows something.

God told me.

So I always wondered why I never like black casted movies. The stereotypes would bombard my logical sense and make me question life.

No. Even though I did grow up in the hood, Madison and Laramie to be exact Boyz N the Hood is not something that has ever crossed my television screen. I don’t know what type of dude PAC played in Juice. I never saw Poetic Justice.

I know the storyline. I lived how it ends.

So this past weekend I take my daughter to the movies. I say it’s a date. I take her to see her movie and I go to see mine.

Hers was Dolphin Tale. Mine was No Good Deed.

I left the movie for my daughter feeling encouraged and invigorated. The message was great. When one door closes another one opens. So true.
That door has to close and one has to allow it to. It was about team work and solidarity people coming together for a common cause. It was about following ones dreams. It was about choosing life careers based on what one loved and staying true to your values morals and integrity. The movie was one of triumph. So I felt triumphant.

Then I walk into my movie. Already. A busy man too busy for his family I’m thinking in my head, cheater. As soon as the man is gone when another option is presented the woman is already thinking of shifting her focus from husband to stranger. Now violence is everywhere.

Why are the movies spoon fed to people of my race about violence, disloyalty, no integrity, and giving up our dreams.

What you feed your spirit is what it craves.

Maybe that’s why movies with an all black cast never interest me. For the most part.

Why am I told to fear the black man or not trust him via the big screen.

Oh there I go again thinking too much.

But then there are sisters that can’t be friendly with other black women afraid their men might be interested. Maybe because they have been trained to be on the lookout for cheating disloyal men.

Maybe the fact that our movies never come out with tales of triumph, or a message of positivity is why the negativity is so pervasive in African American culture. From the way women think of each other to the way reality television shows depict us.

But maybe I’m over analyzing. Maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe I have just always been the oddball destined to stick out like a sore thumb. Thankful these days I no longer try to fit it.

Common Sense said it best. If I don’t like I don’t like it. That don’t mean that I’m hating.


To all my oddballs. Stay true to you. Stay true to who you were created to be. You never know. Your view on matters may shape another’s perception and all we really we need is one person to impact change. Once you change yourself, everything else around you follows suit. I mean millionaires are made on being different because if they did the recipe the way everyone else did they would be copying someone’s style and if someone has already mastered a style then how does one become famous for following the ideas of another.

Yes. Thank God for individuality. Stay different. It’s in our differences we eventually find out how similar we are to the ones we are divinely connected to, once we stop copying like carbon paper to fit the mold but decide to be bold enough to stand out.

My Jehovah-Nissi

God is my banner.

I go from triumph to triumph in God.

I used to think when people did things to me I would have to tell others about it, or approach the person, or even get rowdy and rah rah.



Straight chilling like a villain.

Only I’ve been sanctified by the Lord God Almighty. He is the one strong in battle. He is the one who goes before me. So now when people wage war against me I don’t have to worry. There is quite a large army behind me that is fighting with me. That’s why I stay so quiet about whose in my circle. I know how hard the devil been coming after me.

With his dark forces and dark powers and dark people who would rather go to him for power than seek out God.

A witch.

People don’t like to speak of those things. Its not Halloween yet, so no one really think there is a old lady with a wart on her nose cooking frogs over a large caldron.

Maybe so. Maybe not.

But. Living in Boston and being around Haitian, Trinidadians whose family’s practiced sacrificing animals to idols and speaking words out to demon Gods. I found out it was more real than I ever wished to know. I knew God would not speak about it as an abomination, divination and the like if people never did it.

They did. They still do.

I met one.

She’s so very angry.

I kept wondering why I lived a life with so much favor until I met her and the one she wanted to pull out of my life. I never had to worry. Always had more than enough. Always was a baller shot caller in the words of my Pastor.

Until I met dude.

It was like my life spiraled out of control and this girl was always behind the scenes begging him to come into her presence. To come eat her food. To let her sing to him so she could get close to him.

His own sister said every time he got around the girl he would stop caring about his hygiene. He would stop taking care of himself.

We, however, were light. Until her darkness pulled him from under Gods protection into her life of darkness. As he always does when he got with her, he lost everything.

He only loses everything, every thing when he gets with her.

But because of my association I did too. I didn’t know how to call on God. I didn’t know how to reach out to Him. Now I do.

I don’t talk about my problems. No one knows where I lack. No one knows what hurts me. No one knows where my issues lie. I give God glory. That’s what He asks of me. So I give it.

I love Him too much not to.

When I do that He send angels that have been prepared for the art of war to go before me. He fights for me.

And you know what.

He always wins!!!!

Hallelujah!! To the God who always wins.

I’ve watched Him work for me.

So. I sit back and chill. I let God be God and fight for me!

Numbers 23:23 says
No curse can touch Jacob; no magic has any power against Israel. For now it will be said of Jacob, ‘What wonders God has done for Israel.

Yes. My mighty God strong in battle has brought me from the darkness, made me a new creature in Christ. I am a part of His new covenant so I take hold of my new life and know that whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

Yes Lord. The devil has been rebuked. I am in the Hands of Christ and no one can take me out of his hands.


Let the devil talk you into fighting against God of you’re brave enough.

I mean hasn’t enough calamity befallen you?

Sometimes we’ve got to know how to raise a flag and surrender. But. When we don’t break or prideful nature before God, He will all too willingly break us instead.

Yes Lord.

My Rock my salvation. My strong tower my protector. My mighty magnificent God. My banner.

My Jehovah. Nissi.