I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes, *bleep* $oes, I suppose. I just want to be I just want to be successful. I just want to be, I just want to be successful.
My mind was blinded by the material things and the things this world offered. So I sang this song with my soon to be baby’s father and felt that success was never too far away.
I didn’t know that while I dreamed of success, he kept entertaining failure.
Like a dog returning to ones vomit every time you get on your feet you return to the very thing that seems to knock you off and I’m not talking Donnell Jones style.
Something kept pulling him back and taking his success and putting him back about ten steps.
Then has the audacity to turn the attention away from the root by pointing fingers at the result and consequences.
I mean for real how many good women that know how to pull a man up going to deal with a man that can’t stop being deceitful, manipulative, and cheaters?
Not the ones I know that love themselves and value their lives.
I wanted success, he knew he was unequally yoked with me because he wanted to stay stuck stagnant in his past loving someone that kept him from being a better version of himself. So eventually we had to part ways.
Unfortunately it was after I had chosen to stop my second to last semester at UIC to make sure he made it to his doctors appointments and surgeries when the rest of the world turned their backs on him. I mean I was the same chick that was fighting in the club with his drunk behind and the same woman he wanted to fight when questions arose about him constantly returning to his vomit.
Such is life.
But he knew, almost prophetically.
He told me a dream.
In the dream I was leaving with the baby for good. He tried to run after me but something was preventing him from moving. He woke up with tears on his face.
I thought I was reassuring him that I was going nowhere when really I was doing nothing more than lying to him unawares that his lack of restraint and constantly moving backwards in slow motion was going to give him the setback of his life.
Yes. I had to walk. He had to sit. Maybe it was in being caged like an animal for a couple of weeks that keeps him barking about me ruining his life.
Yeah yeah yeah. What about accountability?
We were lost to each other and to our goals for success in life. All because of not being able to move forward and leaving the past behind.
I learned a lesson.
When exes present themselves I try my best to avoid them like the plague. They tell me they come to my church looking for me. I say thank you Lord, you kept them from crossing my path. They get people to get in touch with me for them. I avoid the friends after so they know never to let someone who doesn’t have my number to come through my phone line. I change numbers like toilet tissue rolls.
We tried. We failed.
All we will do is try and fail and waste more time again.
I believe if the person was for my future God will keep them hidden until I am ready for them and everyone else is really just a lesson to learn from to teach and prepare me.
Maybe I’m wrong. Only God knows.
Now I aim for success.
I asked God to remove my roadblocks.
He showed me Psalms 138:7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
I didn’t know how to get close to Him before. Now my worship, my praise and my relationship with His Son. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ allows me to be put in Jesus hand and no one can take me out.
This way I am presented to the Father, and He honors His word. Since He is not a man that will lie, nor a human that changes His mind.
So. I walk this path of success. I dream big. I know if I dream big my big God, the Almighty, mighty, able, strong in battle, victorious, you know the one who always wins. Yes Him. He will fight for me and set me on straight paths to assist me in becoming everything He created me to become.
So I sit on a wall of faith, sandwiched between love and patience and know my God is worthy. Worthy of all the praise. So I may not seek material things anymore, but I do believe the type of success He will give will blow my mind.
So. I exchange my former mindset for the new me and know the truth.
You can never go forward when you are constantly looking back.