I have only been in love twice.

They say the third times the charm.

But anyway. I’ve only been in love twice.

I used to have this thing about brown skin, pretty hair, and six packs. It was deep. So deep that I lost light skinned, balding, and chubby. Even though the weight he gained was from all the soul food I was cooking. But I lost him because of foolishly looking for the aesthetic. You know the outward appearance. Yes. I accepted the ex I had previously took a summer break from light bright, as a MySpace friend and puff the magic dragon made the best boyfriend I ever had disappear. The man that dreamed big eight years ago. It seemed like just a dream him sitting at my computer using fruity loops to make a beat, and lining up his hair not wanting to finish a bachelors just to be schooled. No he wanted to school life!

He did. Seven years later. Completion. Master barber. Sick beats. Had I not only valued outer appearances and understood the loving kindness of this mans heart we would have been a family.

Steve Urkel stopped chasing Laura and got him a Lauren as did my ex. Blonde hair, blue eyes. But I loved him enough as the best friends we were before ever getting closer to be happy he’s finally happy.

Unfortunately.

Having love doesn’t translate to being in love.

Falling in love is a consciously unconscious effort.

You see something about a person and you let your heart go.

As a young woman I felt I had something to prove. So I went for the things people could see. The guy I was dating that owned his own barber shop. Maybe instead of me working hard for my own success I could live off his. Maybe the ex who had the six pack and super wavy hair to accompany his beautiful eyes and perfect cheekbone structure and brown skin would be my status symbol since I had always been too lazy to get off my behind and go after my own workout goals.

No he just consistently cheated. You can’t turn a ho,ho,ho merry Christmas a chick that love giving her gifts away in to a housewife, unless Christ comes to rearrange that thing. But you also can’t turn one into a husband. Here at the age of 38, he still posting pics of bad body chicks and still have yet to be successful with the marriage and the family thing. I still love him though. There is no shade. Its just facts. I mean I once wrote a blog about what I learned from my first love, but the lesson went way deeper than that. See on our trip to NY to see Dave Chappelle live, as I held up the camera to take a pic I see a bad body chick naked. He said it was his homies girl. But as ALL my exes know. I am I spy the detective. God has always showed me things. I’d see and investigate. Anyway as I scrolled through the film I saw him laying next to her. Not my dude with the six pack, wavy hair, brown skin and those cheekbones. Not after losing my light bright for making a choice to choose him even as a MySpace friend after my guy told me how much he hated him. Strong word I know. Truth though. He had reason though.

I mean I was light Bright’s first girlfriend, and brown skin had no respect for himself so he couldn’t respect anyone else. And I just didn’t love myself, found no value in those who valued me so I accepted less than I deserved.

So when light bright broke up with me 6/6/06, I wondered what all those sixes meant, but now I know the enemy thought he had me. Had the family that had been promised to me. Me the writer and singer would’ve made beautiful songs with my guy who makes all the hot beats. All I had to do was support him through his process and believe in his dream. I wrote him a poem. We did forget to dream.

No. I selfishly dreamed about what the enemy presented me. As he only works well with what the eyes can see. Now my heart wants longingly something that is no good for me.

So here I am. Flaws and all. Knowing that the only way to get someone to notice me that will love me for me will be if I am loving myself enough to want the best for myself. Not physically. Physical bodies can be built. But mentally. Someone who will support me in my spiritual growth, and support me to help build my dreams. Someone willing to dream similar dreams with me. 

I take counsel from Gods word. Pro 1:7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Yes. I just started the Proverbs challenge again. An invitation from my sister. Knowledge can only go so far. It must be applied to life to become wisdom. That’s why there are so many smart dummies out here. I know. I used to be one. Doing the same thing over and over again. Loving the same person in a different package, until I let God have His way with me.

I knew a man could never tame me. I had to be sat down by my heavenly Father. So I continuously fall in love with Him. His kind words. Even His discipline. Only He knows how to turn me into the best me. That’s only through listening to his words. He knows the plans He has for me.

So I blow smoke through my past life. No more holding onto that which reminds me of, when all the ones that reminded me of hurt me continuously. My first and last love were the same men in different bodies. Because while I couldn’t fall in love with light bright who was good to and for me, I could love these men who knew not how to value my God given worth. Maybe one day I’ll blog about number two. Or not. Maybe I wrote him into the book so he already got his story.

Anyway. Yes. I am thirty three. People think I’m younger because I live to love life through the love God has shown me. I’m silly. I let not the fights of life carry me down or truly effect me. I walk in obedience. There are special blessings for obedience. One may just be youthful vim and vigor.

God is fighting for us. Pushing back the darkness lighting up the kingdom that cannot be shaken. In the name of Jesus the enemy’s defeated and we will shout it out, shout it out.

Yes. No longer looking for the same things. I’m looking for what God says is mine to have. Forget someone else’s six pack. I’m going to work on my own. Forget someone else’s physical manifestation of seeming success. I’m working towards my own. Forget being so caught up in male relationships desperately hoping one of them is the one, I am getting closer to my sister friends.

They invite me to bible challenges. Unlike men that only invite me to entice my flesh. They send me positive pictures via messages to encourage me to make wise Godly decisions instead of being ruled by my flesh. They help keep my mind focused on the one who came to give life so we could have it more abundantly as opposed to that which will continuously tear me down by focusing on what will keep me from walking in God’s light pursuing the gifts he placed inside of me if I lust after the flesh.

So. I’m challenged to learn God’s thoughts on the matter. Proverbs has 31 chapters. October has thirty one days. Day 2. Today. Chapter two. You can catch up. If you decide to join me, text me if you have my number. Like she implored me to do with the message ‘I got my read on’. Or inbox me on FB. Or comment under here.

There is no upward ascent, if there is no personal and spiritual growth. We can all be trees of righteousness, like 1John 3:7 says. The man that does what is right is considered righteous. Yes. We can be righteous according to God’s word. Instead of rooted in our folly, foolishness and sin.

Choices. They take us down roads. Success or failure.

Which shall you choose?

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