I think he said once that he draws strength from me. So when times get rough the gentle encouraging nature I present him with motivates him to be better.

I don’t know what it is.

All I know is I love him.

Am I in love. Nah. Is it easy for me to love? Yea. Jesus is my Savior and since that’s what He asked me to do I will do it.

I can’t say my feelings aren’t hurt. Not in the way I want to hold onto a love never quite actualized type of way.

I thought we were going to try and be friends.

I should have known better.

image

Yeah. We’ve shared a bond how can we be friends with no feelings attached?

I mean it wasn’t like I waited for him to call or text me on a holiday for lovers. But I’m just saying perfect strangers came up to me wishing me a happy day. Sending texts. See friend. I don’t get why every time we separate and decide to talk again you wonder about what my man is doing.

I thought we had this conversation. I pretty much been single since my baby daddy. That mess traumatized me. Scared me from relationships for real. I had no religion, and didn’t worship God anywhere, but I was abstinent for two years just about, afraid of finding another man like my daughter’s father.

That was my nightmare.

For real.

No.

I’ve spent the majority of my life spending a little time with a man then all of a sudden he wants to hold onto me, cuff me, wife me, whatever terminology men were using at the various times.

So word.

I’ve never had an opportunity to date.

Loyalty is a lifestyle and I tend to know what I want and even when I know. I always seemed to know about the other women or lifestyles I could never accept, but when I love its for real.

So yes. I thought we were friends. I thought I would hear from you. But I did not.

See the old me would shut down and stop doing what God is sending me forth to do.

Everyone wants to be held every once and a while.

Not this time.

All it did was show me, that while i may not be ready for the relationships I never wanted in the first place, maybe just maybe, I am finally ready to begin dating.

I mean how can I know how to see what I will accept and what I will not if I’m so used to meeting a dude, rolling around the hood or going to Friday’s and that’s it.

See what happened to me was. When I got to the program in my undergrad I was exposed to a life of five star restaurants and five star hotels as I was being prepared for upper echelon life.

No. I’m no longer a child. I cannot think the thoughts of a child.

I may look young, but I’m a GROWN woman. And I know the value I will indeed add to any mans life. Which makes me the prize. And while all these women not knowing their worth putting a man on a pedestal and never fully understanding what it means to love oneself make it hard for a woman like me I am willing to wait.

I can compromise on things like outer appearances. But how I will be valued treated and respected not a chance!

So. To my friend. I have a lot of friends. I love them all similarly the same. Some really want to keep a smile on my face, and with all the nonsense I’ve been through I am thankful for someone willing to be kind enough to think outside the box and try to figure out something about another instead of just looking to have a notch, or someone else’s validation because they have a pretty, new, lady on their heels.

Some games shouldn’t be played. Some women will have you falling harder than a Sunday in September. I mean it don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine. And without it. Yeah we know what falls on us all.

image

So. I let people do them. I never have to push and persist. I’ve always known that Radiance is pretty darn special. If you choose to find out and treat me right so my value never gets lessened by the slew of words that may come forth from.my.mouth. then kudos to you.

So. Maybe I was in my feelings a little bit today. But its okay friend. I love you anyway.

Friendship is special that way!

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