You know how you have an issue with one of your features.
Then someone comes along and points it out to you. Now whenever you look in the mirror you can’t concentrate on your good. The only thing you can see now is the flaw.
Ahhh. I get it. If you teach me how to have a problem with myself I will believe that I deserve your mistreatment of me because with the flaw that obviously everyone sees no one else will want me.
Wrong. Dead. Wrong.
See I have come to understand that when some people don’t accept themselves they want to make another feel unlovable and unworthy so they will put up with the shenanigans of one that does anything to gain attention for what they always felt was unwanted and unattractive.
I, however, won’t play these games with grown boys. I know it all too well.
See for one I was too fat. Maybe I was big. Okay I was a size too big. I was only nineteen. I am 5’9. I was already feeling some type of way.
A new city. My mother’s new husband. Getting kicked out of my religion. For the man that said I was too big. My family and friends cannot talk to me. Yes. Emotions running high meant my clothing stretched out. So I lost weight. I did things I will never be proud of to lose that weight. Just to make him want me. The plan was to never go back. I always ran back.
I felt I needed his validation.
So when the only guy that ever reminded me of the first love had something to say about something else I just looked at him, his this that AND the third and thought, really? You have the audacity?
See I used to care about outward appearances. Now the beauty in a person is who their hearts show them to be. Do you scoff at the hungry homeless man? Yeah I know what having to leave my roof feels like because of x,y,z. So I give. Freely. Do you try and place yourself on a pedestal? And put others down? I know thats just insecurities and inadequacies made manifest like don’t look at my mess look at that over there, see what they don’t have and since I got it I must be something special. No special is what goodness you have to breathe into a person dying for love or just a human connection. Like a compliment just because. No you don’t have to know or even like a person to show an act of kindness.
I know. Rare is the person that I like. However, I love everyone. Therefore I show kindness.
No I’m not better. I work to please God. No its not easy and I have off days, but when I do it I always feels better for making someone else feel good because most days are a struggle.
So. To those that use their words to kill and destroy. I have been that girl, turned woman. I lost a lot. Probably reaping for destruction. Now I live to up build. Now I live to empower. Daily. Again I reiterate. Its a struggle. But just finding one nice thing to say to a perfect stranger and look. There you go impacting the world and stuff.
Who will remember me? Only the Lord knows. Whose world will I impact. Again only the Lord knows. Since His approval just became the only one to matter I just want to live to hear, good job my faithful servant.
So I let the blood drip to my chin. All the words my bitten tongue is holding in. If it won’t up build I won’t say it. Save the juicy stuff for publishers and editors. Until then let the positivity like waterfalls rush into each and every one of our spaces to make waves to surfbort on.
Yes. That’s a true flow of happiness.