I’m in my feelings today.

I wish I didn’t have to work so hard to take care of my daughter since there is no help from my mother, father, or blood family members. We’re not going to even talk about her father!

But I do.

I used to be accessible to men on their whims. Now though I have to cater to my daughter and since God used her life in my womb to bring me back to life I have to honor my gift.

Plus she is such a beautiful sweetheart I can’t help it!

So. I couldn’t do what I wanted to do because I had to take care of my business! Most men would want a woman that takes care of her business because he will know that she is not just about bringing his ideas to life by being there for him when he says jump but she has the vision to create her own life!

You know Jay Z and Beyoncé. Partner let me upgrade you!

Oh well!!

I’m in my feelings.

I don’t like many so when I do I get like a horse with blinders I only see the goal!

And since I had no time to spend I missed my beat. But if it had been my beat I would never have missed it right? If only he had been willing to wait until November and I had enough time to be out and about maybe he would’ve seen I might’ve been an option worth exploring.

Yes. I’m in my feelings.

But there are too many maybes for me to be in my feelings for a good reason.

I actually got the chance to spend time with my sister this weekend. We talked, we prayed, we laughed, we shopped.

We worshipped together.

We were on our way to go back to her house while she slept and I cooked when we saw a woman who looked as if addiction and tragedy took hold of her.

She began speaking about the importance of not having sex before marriage. Clearly she was high but she was speaking the truth. She then went into how women need each other.

Obviously. Every woman I have talked to that has been addicted to crack cocaine has been quick to tell of the man that introduced her to it.

See men don’t nurture. Their job is to provide and protect. And if a woman does not have a relationship with God she will look for that longing of relationship and love from a man. Which from the standpoint of a man I used to talk to that is not something that is easy for them.

But God. He will lead her to other women. Like Naomi and Ruth. Like Mary and Elizabeth. Mary and Martha.

Yes. In this season as I heal from the hurt of interactions with men I need the loving touch of my sisters. I need the kind words of my sisters. A man is just going to say get over it. But he can’t understand the beats of a woman’s heart.

Another woman can. She knows how. No one needs the why when it comes to a woman undone. But how to deal with it is something that is only going to come from another woman.

So. I guess I’ll come outside of my feelings. A man that can’t wait for an off day to spend a little time with me definitely wouldn’t have waited for me as far as not having sex before marriage. He probably would have pushed and persisted and never understood that my shyness with men may come from having said no one too many times and men not hearing me but forcing themselves on me anyway. Literally grabbing me out my sleep.

And a man who thinks with logic and not their heart will ask all sort of crazy questions like why was I there? Well I was displaced living with a childhood friend. Who left her boyfriend at her place and since I had just moved back from Boston and was waiting for space to come available in the dorms I had to stay with her.

I just never imagined her boyfriend wouldn’t take no for an answer.

A man who thinks with his mind and not his heart will say crazy things like maybe you did something to ask for it.

But I have always been direct about what I want. No need to beat around the bush. If I want you I’ll let you know.

Yeah a man that didn’t have the patience to wait for an off day wouldn’t have the patience to wait for a mending heart to totally heal.

So.

My feelings take a back seat to what I have and not what I want.

I have SISTERS. I have women around me that know me and love me for real.

I still know who I am and what I can and will inevitably bring to the man willing to be patient and wait on me. I know how to bring out the best in Anyone. I know how to work hard and take care of home and family and still go after my dreams.

So. I celebrate who I am and who I am becoming and know the man willing to wait on me will be getting a good thing indeed.

So I prepare. In preparation to become someone’s good thing because every good and perfect gift comes from God. As I prepare I learn who I am and how important I am to God, my sisterhood and one day the man God sends to get me.

So I lay flesh aside and let my feelings take a backseat. One day and soon what is for me will be and I will be happy to be chosen by one who even if he never understands my heartbeat, he will share mine.

So until then I focus on me and being all God called me to be.

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