Prized Possession

I just realized something today!!

I am a prize. Like a treasure or rare jewel. I am a woman. I am a woman who needs nor seeks validation so my confidence precedes me. Therefore as a woman I will let a man be a man without him needing to prove himself to me. Without needing to know all his whereabouts. Without needing phone access. He’s a man not a child. I will treat him as such and believe God for bringing all dark activities to the light!

I’m a woman. I carry myself as such. Only girls behave childishly.

You know the drill. Childishly throwing tantrums when a man wants to be with and build with his family which may not live in the home with him, such as children with a woman that came before the girl. Well if that has nothing to do with the girl she should have no concerns and let the man be a man.

Like a girl who helps raise a boy. She cooks for, cleans up behind, takes care of a man that has not given her a ring and a last name. I mean there is nothing wrong with helping your man out before he makes you his helpmeet permanently but to do those things continuously leaves a woman in a state of constant insecurities.

I mean the man can leave at the drop of a hat and never look back.

But girls don’t think of consequences. They have no plans so they allow their emotions to rule them.

Trust me. I’m no stranger to the behavior. I took care of a couple during tough seasons. I cooked and cleaned. I played wife to only eventually be left behind. Until I realized I am a prize.

So. I fell into some feelings a couple of weeks ago. He told me a few things but the strongest impact he made was telling me to make sure these men respect me. He kept going on and on about what a beautiful soul I am. How interesting my page was and how it actually lines up with my real life. He explained how he had been around plenty of women that loved to play church and how I was nothing like them. He had been around the church ministering in music since he was twelve and getting paid for it so he paid attention to the small details of women’s behavior.

I was different.

I am now. I asked Jesus to change me. I struggle some days to turn away from my old ways. But he changed me. He has turned me into this new person. This new person many days I don’t want to be because being a confrontational fighting maniac seems more plausible to my inner being. I mean there is comfort in what is familiar. That’s why it’s so hard to change.

So here I am. Understanding even in my craziness I was a prize. Maya Angelou once said you will forget what people say and do but you will never forget how they made you feel!

Yes. When I love. I love hard!!

So. I look at the lives I’ve touched through love. I mean I touched some others in hate but when I touch in love dreams come true. My ex turned his dreams into being a barber and a producer into reality. But it could very well have been the conversation we had that said forget college. Do what you love. If that’s cutting hair do you boo! He did.

Another just recently told me the help I gave him on getting his CDL over the summer came through. He got his permit and was hired by the CTA!

See as a woman I know how to show a man stepping stones up the ladder of success.

I’m going to push poke and prod! I’m going to make sure he’s getting to his dreams not sabotaging them. When I love. Only when I love.

I may be a nag. But trust me. He has to find the success he was meant to attain!!

I am the prize.

I stopped worrying about not being chosen.

Some people like to live in the comforts of mediocrity. Some people wanna blow a couple of bags with the chicks that’s not going to push them to be anything because of fear that him seeing what’s on the outside of their relationship may cause him to pause and second guess the validity of her being the one for him. It’s like a man that needs to pass a physical exam for the police academy being overstuffed and fed by a woman who knows that fat round tire of a belly is not going to get over any hurdles or hoops. But she knows that with her mediocrity of success she can hold and control him to keep his eyes closed to whether or not she is really the one or not.

Shady shade. But I’m just saying. For example!!

So. I fell in love. I don’t throw shade because of any reason but knowing that divine connections are real and wanting the best for those I am connected to. I’ve seen good men go from being at the altar on Sundays for every service then all of a sudden missing all the time.

The devil comes to kill steal and destroy. He is still like Samson and Delilah, using women to do so to men.

But in my state of knowing and finally understanding what a prize I am. I don’t get sad about those who love the mediocre life. I am not concerned about those who choose comfort over that which will get their juices flowing so they become all that God has created them to be.

I talk like this. I definitely back it up. Used to have a big ego. Now I understand that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So I sit back. Like buried treasure. I’ve been found. Now the digging must commence in order to extricate me out of the dirt that I have been nestled in because only those diligent, eager and willing will go the extra mile to get me.

Oh but the worth.

She’s so worthy! Again. She’s so worthy.

So I reiterate. I just wait on the one my heart loves and longs for to dig me out and if he doesn’t I’m sure another will follow suit. I just never fall below a certain standard because I have finally figured out what a privilege it is for a man to receive my love.

Only the strong willed determined and diligent with much confidence need to apply.

All others will be eaten alive!

So I looked back in my timeline of men I allowed the privilege of receiving my love and saw the good that was produced out of those interactions.

I am a prized possession. Waiting to be treated as I was given a glimpse of. I know what it feels like now. So I wait. Maybe I deserve, maybe I don’t. But really only my Father in heaven who has been my Jehovah-Tsidkenu can really tell what’s what!

I believe God. I believe my sacrificial life will receive blessings that only God can give. I believe as a prize I am a possession most worthy.

And having been chosen for such a time as this! I will indeed carry myself with queen like behavior before the throne of my Father so He will make sure I take the seat He has given and no one else can take away at His table.

Yes I think it’s time.

Time to take my seat!

The Worthy

The worthy.

Those who are worthy.

Who exactly is worthy.

Of my worth?

One of my exes used to love for me to be around him so much that he didn’t exactly want to let me out of his eye sight. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact I had the ride and probably the money for the bud we were going to escape hemispheres with.

So I sat on his block. Appropriately called Hollingsworth. With him and the worthy boys. They were worthy. They felt I was too. So I took my role as First Lady of my exes block. Yes. Salute. He was definitely the commander in chief.

I could recall one of his friends giving me the side eye half glance shy look. I’m like dude. Why is he looking at me like that. He’s like I told him how good ya box is.

Awkward silence.

I been rocking with you for how long and you tell ya boy my privacy, my business? Not cool fam!! He just shook his head like man Rae, I couldn’t help it. He asked. My face gave it away.

Yeah. I knew his face. It never could hold a secret. I was okay.

But I realized at that very moment the power my body yielded. I had been taught, literally taught, by the best. I knew how to use what I had to my advantage.

Most times I did not have to. But sometimes I wanted to.

But here I am now. Walking with Christ and everything and sharing my body with a man that is not my husband is a no no.

But it’s been ok. I been holding on strong. I had not been interested in anyone until one sister says to me. “Yeah. You know so and so?” I’m like yeah. “I don’t know why Everytime I see him I see Radiances husband!”

Errgh!!!

I stop in my tracks. Not me I say. First of all. As big as I may be I have a thing for six packs. This pretty girl swag I guess. Then everything about him is not me. I mean I’m really not interested. The word says gifts come without repentance and there was one thing that always stood out to me about men.

He didn’t catch my attention. I knew he didn’t have the characteristic. That’s fine though. That’s just not my choice.

So I caught his eye. He got my attention and he wanted to interact. So when he kept asking me to spend time with him and I would spin him in circles as to why I wasn’t going to step out I was in my feelings about him moving on, not because I didn’t want him to find anyone but mainly because I like attention. And he was doling it out in metered doses.

So now my heart is open. To attention. Getting ready to be nurtured and wanting love. But Song of Solomon urges and warns us ‘Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.’

Song of Solomon 2:7c | NIV

If it’s not time then my body is going to be open to behaviors that I haven’t done in over fourteen months on my walk with Christ. But if it’s not love from and of God then the man will not urge me to remain focused on my walk with God.

So I meet the man that takes my breath away. I literally had to breathe and exhale. Like I was getting new life breathed into my lungs. The comfort I felt around him made me feel as though I had known him all my life. And the seemingly endless banter of chatter created intriguing wordplay between the two of us.

By the end of our first interaction he was playfully giving me his last name.

Oh the games we play.

But here I am awakening love when I’m not ready. I’m not strong enough to stand my ground about this life of abstinence I am living. I am spending too much time with him allowing my body to get familiar with him so when he decides. I aim to go.

Nooooo. Run. Flee like Joseph did.

I can’t. I’m stuck. He’s strong. Strong enough to talk some sense into me when I am not thinking clearly. I try to get angry. How can I get mad at someone who barely knows me but cares enough to help me stay focused and on track?

His advice to me. Make these men respect me. That’s right ladies. If you are going to be a secret let him keep his secrets and find someone that is willing to lift you on a pedestal and love you out loud. If he wants to keep you from doing what’s best for you keep it moving. If you’re not good enough to be his helpmate the family as a whole will suffer. And your body is yours. The choices you make especially when they line up with the word and will of God is precious. It is when we can present our bodies as a living sacrifice. That God delights in a cheerful giver. Sacrifices become as pleasing as the sweet smell of incense ascending to the heavens. This is our reasonable service.

So that’s right respect.

Self love forms self esteem and the respect is mandated.

So when the next guy came along two days later as the competition in me would normally get me going if a man is going to play the field and keep his interactions with all of the women involved usually I play. I play to win. But with this handsome nurse I’m good.

I mean all these men coming back to back, there must be something to my life that the plethora of distraction carriers is trying to keep me from seeing.

See I now realize I don’t have to use my body to entice and delight. If a man can’t love me for the God he sees in me we are rocking with the unequally yoked crew and lord knows I don’t have time for it!

I realized that although love should not be aroused before ready, when you realize what you really want and see how it can impact your heart mind and spirit, it then becomes that much easier to wait for what one deserves.

I mean.

Why settle for something shallow like a shawl when I can have something comfy like a quilt.

So thank God. He allows us to move but not too far, and feel just sometimes not so much. And as we move forward to embrace all that God has set us apart to do know that in Gods perfect timing everything will fall into place.

I just know until then I will not arouse love until I am ready!

And boy oh boy. I gotta make sure to lean on and depend on God so He can tell me just exactly who is worthy!

Survival Mode

I am a survivor.

There is no doubting that. I have been through enough things to write about six or seven books.

I’ll catch up eventually. But for now I blog.

I am a survivor.

I once saw the barrel of two guns pointed at me asking for the gold around my neck and the rings on my finger. As I slipped one smoothly into my pocket and gave him the other two I knew that my skillful expertise at distracting one from the matter at hand made me survive.

It’s not what you go through it’s what you come out of a victorious overcomer!!

How long can one stay in victim mode and expect to have the pinnacle of success attracted to them.

Truly. Everyone doesn’t want your sob story without hearing how you got over it, how you’re better, how you let it go!

People out here are looking for hope. People want to know that the pain they have experienced is the type that will one day leave their hearts and be replaced by happiness or joy.

I can dig it.

I believe God.

See I never wanted to believe me saying no and my screams going unheard was to help someone else. But when someone explained to me today that I just need to trust the process in order to truly heal and she had been through it I could trust that my pain wouldn’t last forever and maybe some young woman trying to understand her process may hear my words of encouragement and know darkness won’t last forever. She will learn to love herself no matter who doesn’t. She will learn to see her beauty when her experiences have made her feel so ugly. She will learn to find freedom in forgiveness. She will one day find someone who wants to love her not expecting her to exchange her body, but an exchange of dialogue, time, laughter, and desire that never turns to lust because the desire encompasses her total being! A man that will not ask her to cuddle, him being a perfect stranger, making her feel unsafe all over again with flashbacks to the why don’t men respect no. A man that won’t disrespect her sending pictures to her phone of him in his red or gray underwear. Then she has to shake the visual of this naughty boy turned worshipped because his real life does not match his performance on a stage that was designed for worshippers.

Yes. God is calling for those wanting to worship in spirit and truth. Not lies. Lying down with this one and the next and letting your personal lust permeate through the atmosphere as you sing over Gods people and wonder why people can’t bring their lust to the altar without picking it back up after service. Well maybe it was the worshipper. Not worshipping on truth because his worship does not match his lifestyle. And the ones with fake discernment spend more time looking at the women that need to be upbuilt as the problem instead of the preying predator of a man that smells women toddling along in a new walk with Christ.

Oh well!

See it’s about hope.

Hope for the hopeless!

See I am a survivor. Those things that happened back to back to back in my seven year span that made the bed seem like my most comfortable place begin to spark life. It began to spark when I began to understand the pain underlying the love I freely give to those who are willing to accept it is a reminder to someone that it won’t be like this always.

It’s a reminder that even when it seems difficult. When people that see your pain try to kick you while you’re down. That those that want a place you don’t even know you have try to send you off on order for you to fallback into a depressive slump. It’s a reminder that Gods people will always be imperfect. That there will always be Sauls. Those that are used by God to hold a place for the David’s, those after Gods own heart, who still need time to grow up.

Yes. Hope. Hope for change. For replacing and placing. For shifting. For movement.

So.

In forgiveness love lives. Loving my Savior enough to do what He has commanded me to do. To love my neighbor as myself. That means as I search for freedom from my pain and hurts I want my neighbors to receive it. And how do I find out who my neighbor is? By the story of the Good Samaritan. See it’s not always those that look like you but it’s those that come to your aid and assistance when the rest of the world and the community you expected left you by the roadside to bleed and die in your pain and anguish.

Yes. I live. I learn. I love.

I love me. Therefore I can see my sister as a reflection of me and love her as well. I can love my neighbors as myself because I see me in them and love them for who they are.

That may not mean I need to keep a hurting person in my company because hurt people hurt people. But I can play my melody by way of words like David did Saul so that the change of heart that the negative feelings may go away because as they see me as they see themselves they may not understand how I can accept myself in my imperfect state.

It’s the blood. Jesus. He renewed me. He changed me. And taught me how to see myself as He sees me. Flaws and all He loves me. No matter what. He wants me to be free. And freedom from my past through the blood of the Lamb is indemnity. So I take the freedom that was bought for me.

I take it and run! Run the race with endurance so as to win the prize. So that when I knock on the doors of the kingdom my Savior will open wide with a smile on His face and not give me Matthew 7:23 ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’ Because God is calling for those that are going to worship in Spirit and Truth.

That factor of truth.

I’ve seen too many concerts to know the difference between those that perform and those that give what’s real.

Truth.

In truth I know I am a survivor. I know God is real. I know He has given me the Spirit of Truth. I know that Spirit will show me everything I need to know all the time. So. Survival. The fittest. Mind. Body. Soul.

Gods will has to be done. My survival mode keeps me ready to do so. I won’t give up until He tells me to. And never forgetting He will never leave me nor forsake me I stand firm. In righteousness. In my new life. In Gods grace.

In LOVE!!

Explore my beautiful mind

I don’t understand why men seem to think a woman’s body is a bargaining tool.

I’ve been sharing my body with men that did not know how to help develop, enhance or nurture my mind so obviously my thoughts were in the wrong place.

The flesh is weak. And weakness can not produce strength. So my strong suit is not making choices in weakness!

In my flesh.

See the problem is everything I do I do it to the best of my capabilities. Turning men into what they said they would never be was my
Specialty. Real tears I’d be wiping. Cold heartedly telling them they had served their purpose done what they were needed for and thanks for their time. See no one has ever been able to tame me, or change me. No one has ever been able to keep up with me and all the while i am searching for something outside of myself and it was inside all the time anyway.

No. Though. My body cannot be a bargaining tool.

I know who I am and the value I bring to a mans everything, so I don’t need to prove who I am to him. He needs to prove that he will be able to produce the greatness inside of me that I was birthed to become. So the puzzle piece I will be to complete him will propel him to the highest heights of greatness.

Dead PreZ talked about mind sex. I will fall in love fast with someone that is able to pull the vast intelligence out of my mind and will not worry about what my body do. What my lips feel like. I am not a toy. I am a woman. I am a woman that is blessed in the ability to make everyone feel good so of course I go above and beyond for the one I call my man.

Now my aim is towards a husband.

Someone that will help me build this empire that God will get the glory out of putting me in charge of.

See it’s not about me. It’s not about thousand dollar purses. Or five hundred dollar shoes. Been there had that. When you gotta leave all that stuff behind to walk into a shelter that bag ain’t money in the bank to help you pay a bill.

Yeah. Done living outside my means. I’m living for greatness.

So I sacrifice. I present my body a living sacrifice before God. I choose not to share my body with a man until God says it is alright for me to do so.

Now anyone who knows me knows that’s a sacrifice. I’m good at what I do, and gifts come without repentance so it was nothing for me to always find those that are great like me!

Yes. The woman that soaked bed sheets, comforters, straight streams shooting splashing on foreheads has decided to put the old things away. I get it. I see the disses from exes that knew of the way my escapades would play out. But that’s the old me. I can’t look back and bring that person here. She got busy in private quarters but she was also reckless with the mouthpiece and had the worst attitude.

I mean you want the niceness, but can’t respect the abstinence.

See people that are sharing their bodies with someone that their spirit knows is not for keeps have for real jealousy and insecurity issues. Nah. You don’t have to worry about who I talk to and what I’m doing when you not around when my spirit, heart, and soul knows you’re mine. Because I don’t have to worry about the one who has a rightful claim to you coming along when I KNOW that person is me.

See unfortunately I’m not the one that says I’m in a relationship I’m locked down. I’m not locked down until I say I do. Until I promise before God and witnesses. Until then I am enjoying my time with a person that is either here to stay for a lifetime, be there for me in a season of loneliness, or be a reason and a lesson to last me a lifetime.

I mean everything that feels good ain’t good for you. But when you let flesh get the heart entangled and ensnared, you make decisions a sound mind would never have made in the first place.

Sometimes you take a step back from what the flesh desires because letting the flesh make decisions keeps one from greatness.

Now folk stalking. They all on voicemails figuring out codes. Breaking into Facebook. Driving by to check up on you. Making everyone feel uncomfortable about speaking to you because now you ‘belong’ to them.

But I had someone explain to me that we can never belong to someone else. We belong to God and the God I serve is a jealous God. We are on borrowed time and we are being entrusted to push the next person to greatness so if you are not built to do the job with the person that you are with but stay because of attributes. Like looks, status, things, etc you will lose that person anyway.

So. Knowing I have a job to do and when the flesh gets what it desires and begins to crave and gets in the way I choose to keep my hands to myself.

It’s not easy. But it’s a path that is rarely taken but best invested in.

How though. Can I expect to get things I’ve never had before if I’m not willing to do what I’ve never done before? I’ve made bed rocks. Hearts drop. Bedrooms mopped. Sheets on swim. Players that used to play giving up all their women. Drying tears. From dudes crying. Dollars spending. Yeah.

I knew how to be Wales Bad Girl. Cause I know how to do a few things well. But now I just live to please God. Saying focused on him means old behaviors die because something’s taken focus away from the goal.

The goal is Gods will being done. So I sacrifice. The sacrifice is great. I ask God to teach my flesh to die daily. I let go of the past. I am not who I once thought I was.

Call me what you may. Jesus freak, definitely. But I been called all types of freaks before this one I can actually be proud of. I am living to please my savior. I am living to die to my flesh and the fleshly desires I used to give into so easily.

The backdrop of my story should let you know that’s not easy. I’ve had the creme de la creme. And if we left on bad terms we never stayed there. So a call would be nothing. But God.

He keeps me and sustains me. I don’t have to do anything but accept salvation so since he places no stipulations on me, why would I allow my body to be a bargaining tool?

Nah. I have a beautiful mind. It should be used. So. Learn to nurture and build. There’s something beautiful inside to explore. Greatness to grab hold of.

So instead I worrying about the body, build a foundation that won’t ever be shaken. I can assure you it will be more than worth your while.

Just Forgiveness

I was wrong.

I keep reminding the world of how wrong people were to me without acknowledging my faults and actions in the matter.

I will never condone violence from a man to a woman or even a woman to a man but when a person provokes with their words they make a conscious choice.

I made a conscious choice and decision to destroy my guy with words. I forgot how he had done everything he could to make my life comfortable. He went half on a car which he practically paid for by himself. Ok he did. All but four hundred dollars he paid. Food ready when I got home. Put them sounds in my trunk. He let me beat up the block. I went everywhere with him. There was no alone time for him. He on the block, I was on the block. He would leave work to go to a place where he would stay out of trouble to honor and uphold his feelings for me without the distraction of disrespectful women.

But my mouth.

I have a sister. My mother presented her to me in my teen years. Before we knew Christ as our Savior and not the angel the religion of our youth calls him. I would never have imagined how she came to be a help. In my times of distress. No one else was there as I stood in a court room wondering if my fate would be changed forever. Dropping a few on a lawyer to keep my name clear so becoming a nurse would still be my option. But like toilet paper is how I discard of those who love me. As soon as they do something I don’t like it’s easy for me to push them to the side.

But God.

I was once in love. I loved him over and over again. On repeat. The only thing keeping me from trying to hold onto him forever is the fact that I know Jesus to be my personal Lord and Savior. He follows a different path. He only sees Jesus as a prophet that once walked this earth and not Gods Son. When I was a child it was my vanity that kept me from wanting to wear a hijab. I knew I could never be the muslimah he wanted me to be. But that never stopped me from loving him.

But freedom.

See today I decided to pursue freedom. Forgiveness from those whom I hurt in my past. If I continue to hold onto all that the past represents then I am prevented from walking into my present. I am keeping myself from my future. The past is to learn from. I can’t have a life of only having people around that I keep for what they can do for me. I have to love. Just to love. Expecting nothing in return and giving them what I have in my heart to give.

See I’m not storing up treasure with man but my God in heaven. People are placed on my path for me to fulfill a purpose in their lives. Or to let them do the same with me.

So. Last week I learned how to forgive and how to ask for it. My lil sister offended me. She called and pestered me until I let her back in. She left her offering before God and didn’t go back to pick it up until she had patched things up between she and I.

She taught me somethings about forgiveness.

So. This is the season to ask and receive. I’ve hurt so many. I loved and left. I left on purpose. I know how to be a bright light. I know how much it hurts when my bubbly, happy, loving and silly personality is no longer available. It sets up a craving that makes those that lose my love feel an emptiness.

They say they be missing me.

But now. I aim to please my Father in heaven. I will go seek forgiveness until I relieve the stress of carrying the ought against me for some that do. I wil forgive those that have been asking me for years.

I will love according to Corinthians.

I will leave my past there so my present can be a gift to take me into my future with.

I am blessed each day I wake up and have the opportunity to get it right. It means God. It means He still is waiting on me to come to my senses.

Yes Lord. I hear the call. I will heed it and pay attention!

The faux relationship

I once was in love with a married man.

In love.

Head over heels.

Stuck.

Digging on this dude. Like a shovel in the Chi’s blizzard of 79. I was lost in dude. Wanting to be employed by the boss in dude. Wanting to be the cheese bright teeth, I was flossing dude.

So fine.

I’ll never forget.

My husband was acting funny. Like most marriages we were working together to accomplish a common goal. He saved my life. God used him. For you see I had been murdered earlier in the year when everyone was telling me on campus to find this husband, but I was looking for the party. I was looking for the drinks, I was looking for smoke to blow. Green leaves like trees, that had my mind blown and lifted. Elevated.

I was not thinking straight.

So. Genesis 34 became my story. Then like Dinah was no longer mentioned. Like she had died off. So did I.

I could no longer read. Literally looking at pages of a book but seeing nothing. For the first time in my life I got a D. I walked into UIC with a 3.7 GPA. From working and going to school. But since I had died there was no way to be able to produce the past results of someone that no longer existed.

But my ex-husband. Used words. Used love. Used kindness to bring me back to life and pull me out of the hands of a stalker definitely, rapist surely, killer maybe. See He was just a dude that was dipping in the girl I grew up with sugar bowl, ole sugar, and she left me unprotected sleeping on her couch with an ex convict in the other room and it happened.

I got married for safety.

So when he started acting funny. Here I am looking for safety again.

My cigarette habit began before it happened but escalated out of control after wards and Mr. Married saw me.

6’4. Caramel complexion. Big beautiful eyes. A perfect mouth. I was flicking my square looking at him in disdain. You know I had learned men were scum. They could not be trusted. Women friends were sheisters. They only wanted to use you.

My trust issue were at an all time high. And since my Ex-husband was acting funny. I walked back down the stairs to give this dude I was meeting in an alley the last pull of the cigarette.

He captivated me. He became my friend. He told me some things and while I should’ve investigated like the ispy I used to be. That chick had died. That morning her screams and cries went unheard by the world.

He knew I was married. Just never bothered to share that he was too.

Until.

The following year. The man I had been with for a year would not attend my mother’s funeral. The day before her funeral he told me the truth.

The truth.

The truth of the matter was that I was never supposed to turn away from my husband. The man who brought me out of the messed up situation. I was supposed to communicate. I had an assignment to carry out. We were supposed to work together.

The truth of the matter is that I was never supposed to go back to people who had once done me wrong.

The truth of the matter is when God gives you a way of escape take it run and never look back like Lots wife.

See I was stuck. Loving someone. Performing wifely behaviors with someone I would have never chosen to be my husband. If he cheated on his mistress with a sidechick, obviously cheating on his wife with everyone he could think of.

Thank God. I was intentional and purposeful about making my daughter my first pregnancy ever. Which means I made sure to be safe and not have any mishaps before her.

Men were hard to trust.

Before Christ. Before relationship. Before I stopped believing I was crazy because the religion I was in explained that there were no prophets in this day and age, and God only uses His Bible to speak to us.

But the word says, when what is complete comes dreams and prophecy will cease. 1Corinthian 13:10 says when perfection comes, or other translations say what is complete.

Maybe that’s why I smoked and drank so much to shut down the recollection of dreams that would take place in the real world as well.

I always knew I was an X-Men.

Maybe that’s why I never felt like I belonged in the religion of my youth. I was different. Not perfect. Not better than. Just different. Celebrating the differences along the way.

So. I been struggling with telling this story. I don’t enjoy telling perfect strangers that I sometimes smile and speak to my story. Hearing the sidebars of conversation. “Some things should be kept to yourself.”

That’s not biblical though Rev 12:11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

No. I don’t care much how people try and use words to assassinate my character. I don’t know. Thinking I use stories for attention. Attention has never been hard to get but freedom from the hands of the enemy was the hardest fight of my life.

The devil thought he had me, But God snatched me. When I earnestly sought Him. Humbly submitted. And although I was used to being in Egypt, went where He sent me to a new place of mumbling grumblers, and I became a modern day Levite. Free to worship Him in spirit and truth. Presenting my body as a living sacrifice. Turning away from old ways. No I don’t need anyone to know I might be able to carry a tune, perform a nine minute piece of poetry, or write so much it could fill a few novels.

If it is not for the Glory of God. Who am I trying to lift up?

So today. I’m reading Proverbs. Pro 6:32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. 6:33 Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away; 6:34 for jealousy arouses a husband’s fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.

Yes. In the natural world. The lying married man lost everything. He lost his wife for a season. He lost his job. He lost his friends. He lost a few cars. As did I.

Covenant with God is not one to play with.

So now. I apply that scripture to God. He takes care of me now that I have changed my life, I live to seek His face and His approval. Not mans. I live a life of solitude mostly as He changes me and purges me from the things I used to do and the person I used to be.

So no. My body is no longer a bargaining tool. And if I don’t get the opportunity to find out if I may be a good fit for someone because I can’t cuddle with them then God is constantly protecting me from situations that will turn me back to the old me. Yes. I may be afraid of men. Afraid that they won’t take no for an answer. Afraid that their lack of respect will have them dealing with other women as well as me. I mean. What about men honoring women. What about men that honor their bodies as well. Presenting their bodies as a living sacrifice. That’s our reasonable service unto God. Meaning that’s the least we can do for all He has done for us!

In the words of my bro. That’s the real MVP!

Yes. His discipline is greatly appreciated. I wrote a poem for the man before I knew he was married, and in fact made him a god. I made a god out of a man that turned away from his covenant relationship until he was urged to go back home. Yes now I understand that my God is a jealous God and will have nothing put before Him.

So lesson learned.

That’s all its really about. Living to learn to not make the same mistakes again.

From growth comes change, from change comes knowledge, and from the actions that go along with change comes the practical use of knowledge which in turn creates wisdom.

Yes. God. I am living to please the one who changed my life and took all the stress and pain away from me.

It is not always easy. But it is definitely always worth it!