I once was in love with a married man.

In love.

Head over heels.


Digging on this dude. Like a shovel in the Chi’s blizzard of 79. I was lost in dude. Wanting to be employed by the boss in dude. Wanting to be the cheese bright teeth, I was flossing dude.

So fine.

I’ll never forget.

My husband was acting funny. Like most marriages we were working together to accomplish a common goal. He saved my life. God used him. For you see I had been murdered earlier in the year when everyone was telling me on campus to find this husband, but I was looking for the party. I was looking for the drinks, I was looking for smoke to blow. Green leaves like trees, that had my mind blown and lifted. Elevated.

I was not thinking straight.

So. Genesis 34 became my story. Then like Dinah was no longer mentioned. Like she had died off. So did I.

I could no longer read. Literally looking at pages of a book but seeing nothing. For the first time in my life I got a D. I walked into UIC with a 3.7 GPA. From working and going to school. But since I had died there was no way to be able to produce the past results of someone that no longer existed.

But my ex-husband. Used words. Used love. Used kindness to bring me back to life and pull me out of the hands of a stalker definitely, rapist surely, killer maybe. See He was just a dude that was dipping in the girl I grew up with sugar bowl, ole sugar, and she left me unprotected sleeping on her couch with an ex convict in the other room and it happened.

I got married for safety.

So when he started acting funny. Here I am looking for safety again.

My cigarette habit began before it happened but escalated out of control after wards and Mr. Married saw me.

6’4. Caramel complexion. Big beautiful eyes. A perfect mouth. I was flicking my square looking at him in disdain. You know I had learned men were scum. They could not be trusted. Women friends were sheisters. They only wanted to use you.

My trust issue were at an all time high. And since my Ex-husband was acting funny. I walked back down the stairs to give this dude I was meeting in an alley the last pull of the cigarette.

He captivated me. He became my friend. He told me some things and while I should’ve investigated like the ispy I used to be. That chick had died. That morning her screams and cries went unheard by the world.

He knew I was married. Just never bothered to share that he was too.


The following year. The man I had been with for a year would not attend my mother’s funeral. The day before her funeral he told me the truth.

The truth.

The truth of the matter was that I was never supposed to turn away from my husband. The man who brought me out of the messed up situation. I was supposed to communicate. I had an assignment to carry out. We were supposed to work together.

The truth of the matter is that I was never supposed to go back to people who had once done me wrong.

The truth of the matter is when God gives you a way of escape take it run and never look back like Lots wife.

See I was stuck. Loving someone. Performing wifely behaviors with someone I would have never chosen to be my husband. If he cheated on his mistress with a sidechick, obviously cheating on his wife with everyone he could think of.

Thank God. I was intentional and purposeful about making my daughter my first pregnancy ever. Which means I made sure to be safe and not have any mishaps before her.

Men were hard to trust.

Before Christ. Before relationship. Before I stopped believing I was crazy because the religion I was in explained that there were no prophets in this day and age, and God only uses His Bible to speak to us.

But the word says, when what is complete comes dreams and prophecy will cease. 1Corinthian 13:10 says when perfection comes, or other translations say what is complete.

Maybe that’s why I smoked and drank so much to shut down the recollection of dreams that would take place in the real world as well.

I always knew I was an X-Men.

Maybe that’s why I never felt like I belonged in the religion of my youth. I was different. Not perfect. Not better than. Just different. Celebrating the differences along the way.

So. I been struggling with telling this story. I don’t enjoy telling perfect strangers that I sometimes smile and speak to my story. Hearing the sidebars of conversation. “Some things should be kept to yourself.”

That’s not biblical though Rev 12:11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

No. I don’t care much how people try and use words to assassinate my character. I don’t know. Thinking I use stories for attention. Attention has never been hard to get but freedom from the hands of the enemy was the hardest fight of my life.

The devil thought he had me, But God snatched me. When I earnestly sought Him. Humbly submitted. And although I was used to being in Egypt, went where He sent me to a new place of mumbling grumblers, and I became a modern day Levite. Free to worship Him in spirit and truth. Presenting my body as a living sacrifice. Turning away from old ways. No I don’t need anyone to know I might be able to carry a tune, perform a nine minute piece of poetry, or write so much it could fill a few novels.

If it is not for the Glory of God. Who am I trying to lift up?

So today. I’m reading Proverbs. Pro 6:32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. 6:33 Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away; 6:34 for jealousy arouses a husband’s fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.

Yes. In the natural world. The lying married man lost everything. He lost his wife for a season. He lost his job. He lost his friends. He lost a few cars. As did I.

Covenant with God is not one to play with.

So now. I apply that scripture to God. He takes care of me now that I have changed my life, I live to seek His face and His approval. Not mans. I live a life of solitude mostly as He changes me and purges me from the things I used to do and the person I used to be.

So no. My body is no longer a bargaining tool. And if I don’t get the opportunity to find out if I may be a good fit for someone because I can’t cuddle with them then God is constantly protecting me from situations that will turn me back to the old me. Yes. I may be afraid of men. Afraid that they won’t take no for an answer. Afraid that their lack of respect will have them dealing with other women as well as me. I mean. What about men honoring women. What about men that honor their bodies as well. Presenting their bodies as a living sacrifice. That’s our reasonable service unto God. Meaning that’s the least we can do for all He has done for us!

In the words of my bro. That’s the real MVP!

Yes. His discipline is greatly appreciated. I wrote a poem for the man before I knew he was married, and in fact made him a god. I made a god out of a man that turned away from his covenant relationship until he was urged to go back home. Yes now I understand that my God is a jealous God and will have nothing put before Him.

So lesson learned.

That’s all its really about. Living to learn to not make the same mistakes again.

From growth comes change, from change comes knowledge, and from the actions that go along with change comes the practical use of knowledge which in turn creates wisdom.

Yes. God. I am living to please the one who changed my life and took all the stress and pain away from me.

It is not always easy. But it is definitely always worth it!


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