I was wrong.
I keep reminding the world of how wrong people were to me without acknowledging my faults and actions in the matter.
I will never condone violence from a man to a woman or even a woman to a man but when a person provokes with their words they make a conscious choice.
I made a conscious choice and decision to destroy my guy with words. I forgot how he had done everything he could to make my life comfortable. He went half on a car which he practically paid for by himself. Ok he did. All but four hundred dollars he paid. Food ready when I got home. Put them sounds in my trunk. He let me beat up the block. I went everywhere with him. There was no alone time for him. He on the block, I was on the block. He would leave work to go to a place where he would stay out of trouble to honor and uphold his feelings for me without the distraction of disrespectful women.
But my mouth.
I have a sister. My mother presented her to me in my teen years. Before we knew Christ as our Savior and not the angel the religion of our youth calls him. I would never have imagined how she came to be a help. In my times of distress. No one else was there as I stood in a court room wondering if my fate would be changed forever. Dropping a few on a lawyer to keep my name clear so becoming a nurse would still be my option. But like toilet paper is how I discard of those who love me. As soon as they do something I don’t like it’s easy for me to push them to the side.
I was once in love. I loved him over and over again. On repeat. The only thing keeping me from trying to hold onto him forever is the fact that I know Jesus to be my personal Lord and Savior. He follows a different path. He only sees Jesus as a prophet that once walked this earth and not Gods Son. When I was a child it was my vanity that kept me from wanting to wear a hijab. I knew I could never be the muslimah he wanted me to be. But that never stopped me from loving him.
See today I decided to pursue freedom. Forgiveness from those whom I hurt in my past. If I continue to hold onto all that the past represents then I am prevented from walking into my present. I am keeping myself from my future. The past is to learn from. I can’t have a life of only having people around that I keep for what they can do for me. I have to love. Just to love. Expecting nothing in return and giving them what I have in my heart to give.
See I’m not storing up treasure with man but my God in heaven. People are placed on my path for me to fulfill a purpose in their lives. Or to let them do the same with me.
So. Last week I learned how to forgive and how to ask for it. My lil sister offended me. She called and pestered me until I let her back in. She left her offering before God and didn’t go back to pick it up until she had patched things up between she and I.
She taught me somethings about forgiveness.
So. This is the season to ask and receive. I’ve hurt so many. I loved and left. I left on purpose. I know how to be a bright light. I know how much it hurts when my bubbly, happy, loving and silly personality is no longer available. It sets up a craving that makes those that lose my love feel an emptiness.
They say they be missing me.
But now. I aim to please my Father in heaven. I will go seek forgiveness until I relieve the stress of carrying the ought against me for some that do. I wil forgive those that have been asking me for years.
I will love according to Corinthians.
I will leave my past there so my present can be a gift to take me into my future with.
I am blessed each day I wake up and have the opportunity to get it right. It means God. It means He still is waiting on me to come to my senses.
Yes Lord. I hear the call. I will heed it and pay attention!