The worthy.

Those who are worthy.

Who exactly is worthy.

Of my worth?

One of my exes used to love for me to be around him so much that he didn’t exactly want to let me out of his eye sight. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact I had the ride and probably the money for the bud we were going to escape hemispheres with.

So I sat on his block. Appropriately called Hollingsworth. With him and the worthy boys. They were worthy. They felt I was too. So I took my role as First Lady of my exes block. Yes. Salute. He was definitely the commander in chief.

I could recall one of his friends giving me the side eye half glance shy look. I’m like dude. Why is he looking at me like that. He’s like I told him how good ya box is.

Awkward silence.

I been rocking with you for how long and you tell ya boy my privacy, my business? Not cool fam!! He just shook his head like man Rae, I couldn’t help it. He asked. My face gave it away.

Yeah. I knew his face. It never could hold a secret. I was okay.

But I realized at that very moment the power my body yielded. I had been taught, literally taught, by the best. I knew how to use what I had to my advantage.

Most times I did not have to. But sometimes I wanted to.

But here I am now. Walking with Christ and everything and sharing my body with a man that is not my husband is a no no.

But it’s been ok. I been holding on strong. I had not been interested in anyone until one sister says to me. “Yeah. You know so and so?” I’m like yeah. “I don’t know why Everytime I see him I see Radiances husband!”

Errgh!!!

I stop in my tracks. Not me I say. First of all. As big as I may be I have a thing for six packs. This pretty girl swag I guess. Then everything about him is not me. I mean I’m really not interested. The word says gifts come without repentance and there was one thing that always stood out to me about men.

He didn’t catch my attention. I knew he didn’t have the characteristic. That’s fine though. That’s just not my choice.

So I caught his eye. He got my attention and he wanted to interact. So when he kept asking me to spend time with him and I would spin him in circles as to why I wasn’t going to step out I was in my feelings about him moving on, not because I didn’t want him to find anyone but mainly because I like attention. And he was doling it out in metered doses.

So now my heart is open. To attention. Getting ready to be nurtured and wanting love. But Song of Solomon urges and warns us ‘Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.’

Song of Solomon 2:7c | NIV

If it’s not time then my body is going to be open to behaviors that I haven’t done in over fourteen months on my walk with Christ. But if it’s not love from and of God then the man will not urge me to remain focused on my walk with God.

So I meet the man that takes my breath away. I literally had to breathe and exhale. Like I was getting new life breathed into my lungs. The comfort I felt around him made me feel as though I had known him all my life. And the seemingly endless banter of chatter created intriguing wordplay between the two of us.

By the end of our first interaction he was playfully giving me his last name.

Oh the games we play.

But here I am awakening love when I’m not ready. I’m not strong enough to stand my ground about this life of abstinence I am living. I am spending too much time with him allowing my body to get familiar with him so when he decides. I aim to go.

Nooooo. Run. Flee like Joseph did.

I can’t. I’m stuck. He’s strong. Strong enough to talk some sense into me when I am not thinking clearly. I try to get angry. How can I get mad at someone who barely knows me but cares enough to help me stay focused and on track?

His advice to me. Make these men respect me. That’s right ladies. If you are going to be a secret let him keep his secrets and find someone that is willing to lift you on a pedestal and love you out loud. If he wants to keep you from doing what’s best for you keep it moving. If you’re not good enough to be his helpmate the family as a whole will suffer. And your body is yours. The choices you make especially when they line up with the word and will of God is precious. It is when we can present our bodies as a living sacrifice. That God delights in a cheerful giver. Sacrifices become as pleasing as the sweet smell of incense ascending to the heavens. This is our reasonable service.

So that’s right respect.

Self love forms self esteem and the respect is mandated.

So when the next guy came along two days later as the competition in me would normally get me going if a man is going to play the field and keep his interactions with all of the women involved usually I play. I play to win. But with this handsome nurse I’m good.

I mean all these men coming back to back, there must be something to my life that the plethora of distraction carriers is trying to keep me from seeing.

See I now realize I don’t have to use my body to entice and delight. If a man can’t love me for the God he sees in me we are rocking with the unequally yoked crew and lord knows I don’t have time for it!

I realized that although love should not be aroused before ready, when you realize what you really want and see how it can impact your heart mind and spirit, it then becomes that much easier to wait for what one deserves.

I mean.

Why settle for something shallow like a shawl when I can have something comfy like a quilt.

So thank God. He allows us to move but not too far, and feel just sometimes not so much. And as we move forward to embrace all that God has set us apart to do know that in Gods perfect timing everything will fall into place.

I just know until then I will not arouse love until I am ready!

And boy oh boy. I gotta make sure to lean on and depend on God so He can tell me just exactly who is worthy!

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