Rainbow After the Storm

I’m not healed. But I’m healing.

I did not want to write half the things I wrote about this year. But I needed freedom. Freedom from the events that caused so much pain and kept me bound in captivity of seclusion making me feel like I was the only one.

I remember the year I felt like I had to be the only one.

Everyone else going on in life living like their fairy tale life came true, mines was the only one that fell apart like the Roots CD album cover, because pain was the only thing that was chasing me that year.

The man I had been with for almost four years and friends for over four years had broken up with me. I was his first and only woman. I thought for sure I was going to be his wife. The plantanos, y yuka, y arroz con pollos I would chef up in the kitchen like I was a Dominican doll left his formerly 160 pound frame at a new solid foundation of over two hundred pounds.

The freedom I gave him was reigning all over the workings of his next relationship. And the motivation I pushed him and encouraged him with is what is the foundation for the success he has now as a barber and producer. Low key, he will probably never give me credit. As he should not. I was just a tool used by God.

We broke up though.

Me always looking at the lame dude awry and wanting the excitement of the thug. Had me waiting in anticipation for my ex thing to give me a ring. You know like on the phone because I had come to realize he would never put one on my finger.

Anyway I did the unacceptable.

My baby left me.

Time went by. The pain escalated.

I took too many anti depressants.

I will never forget the taste of charcoal in my mouth as the realization hit me that maybe just maybe the pain of this life won’t be here always.

Throwing up projectile streams as the ER staff looked at me with disdain and growing impatience.

They didn’t know my story. My mother was embarrassed.

I was in pain.

Fast forward. Eight years later. Today I finally check my twitter account. One of my former co-workers sent me a private tweet in March. Right around the time this as shole who doesn’t want me but knows I’m going to be successful one day and just doesn’t want anyone deserving to have me hits me up. He needs encouragement because the ratchet twits he can’t keep his pants out of can’t motivate him to be better. He needs my words. They are my gift. I give them freely. No need to profile front and stunt.

My dude I see you!

So I’m reading my former coworkers tweets. She’s talking about how bad the pain is. How the cutting has resumed. How the abusive relationship has her depressed. How her second failed suicide attempt almost was a success.

But there are no more tweets after that day.

I’ll never forget how a friend of mine told me of a co worker of his that he was supposed to go visit after church got forgotten about as he chased behind a skirt or something equally as unimportant. That coworker took his life that day.

My sweet little Puerto Rican princess though. Working our graveyard shift. Talking about our bucket lists. And I’m remembering her beautiful personality. Her tales of woe in her childhood and I’m hoping and praying not her. If only she held on.

But I got distracted. But someone whose assignment has always been to drive me off course came to manipulate my feelings to dote on him and the poor unguided choices he has made and continues to make since he refuses to walk with The Lord.

My greater year has seen much. Greater determination. Greater love. Greater joy. Greater purpose. A greater walk. Greater relationship with God. Greater calm. Greater friendships. Greater discipline. But greater pain. Greater tears. Greater hardships.

Now thinking of the possibility of this young woman whose twitter account had been barren since she sent me that last unanswered tweet, of course I have greater sorrow.

I cannot save the world. But I can introduce those whom are placed in my path to my Greater Savior. Because He is greater than any problems one could ever face.

Yes. He is greater than!

I have learned how to sit still and wait on Him.

No I can’t beat myself up over my choices. Romans 8:1 tells me there is no condemnation. I just know better to do better.

To do better in pleasing God.
26 To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes 2:26 | NIV

As I stood still I watched how God is working in my behalf. Waiting on Gods handiwork in my life found me pleasure in doing what I love and eventually sorting out the madness of my life. Maybe the things happened only so I can be a witness to tell that it is possible to overcome and be more than a conqueror!

Yes. The hurt of my past came full circle as the darkness of my path was encompassed by light. A bright spirit that came to make me laugh, smile, encourage me, push and motivate me to be the best version of myself as he struggles to do the same.

Friends came and went only for one to stay rooted firmly intact. And for the new ones to continue to blossom.

What’s for you is for you and what’s for me is for me. Whatever God wants us to have shall be.

So this is dedicated to my dear friend. I pray to God that maybe you just got tired of tweeting. But you’re reading. The pain only lasts so long and then God gives us pain killers. Almost like the Doctors because He is the master Healer!

I can’t think of the if nots.

Yes. Love found me. Because after all my seeking and searching for God He planted a seed next to mine to take root firmly like a redwood tree. One that would be a protection and covering for me and those around me. A spirit so big that I could never get bored with. A heart so full I almost drown in his love, so I keep holding steadfast to Jesus to get the breath I need.

Yes. I fell in love with God and a man saw fit to begin to love the God in me. And maybe we just be daydreaming. The ice sculptures at my Jamaican wedding is just me being a visionary. Maybe this forever talk is depending. Depending on how we keep God first, probably! Depending on how we beat our flesh Into submission to die daily so Gods Spirit can rise up and do what needs to be done in both of our lives.

I mean all we really need is love. Gods love is constant and when He sees our pursuit of happiness includes the balance of adding Him into the equation he places partners to be a physical manifestation of that love.

Really.

The choice is ours.

So to my people looking for hope, look no further. I am a walking testimony of the greater works of God. He has changed and rearranged.

So no matter how long the rain storm last, there is always the promise of a rainbow after the storm. You might get rain but it will never get to be as bad as it once was. So have faith and carry on.

Heal then love. God will do His part.

Are you willing to do yours?

I never kissed a girl, but once I thought I might like it

I used to love going to strip clubs.

Not the guys. I’ve never seen a man bare all in a room full of rowdy women.

I liked to watch the women dance.

I would tell myself that was all about getting tips to introduce to my man at home. Or better still I admired a body that I wanted as my own.

The truth is the games I learned to play as a child opened the door to females getting close to me in ways they never were supposed to. It seemed like things were just handed to me. I didn’t know how to tell my mother, but as a child I didn’t know how to process the games we played without the grown ups watching us because they were too busy doing the things that we were just practicing.

Yeah. My mother being a workaholic kept me under the unsupervised eyes of adults that were more concerned with their own needs than the safety and protection of us.

I never quite learned self control. One of my childhood friends remembers us kissing under the table. I realized these were the games we played. I never learned how to be a tattle tale. But I did learn how to introduce the game to others. As a child. Not a teen. Not even a preteen. Not even old enough to be in double digits. A child.

Children should never be left alone. I’m a huge advocate for the safety of children as a result.

Fast forward.

As a young adult women would always hit on me. They would pretend to be my friend then thinking I was in a low place try to push up on me.

Until I met a woman who would eventually become my best friend.

Something about me and February babies. We have this super awesome connection.

She was beautiful. Brown skinned full lipped short and thick. I loved to play photographer as she and I would drink our red wine as climb our green trees. I knew she went both ways, but I had never given into my curiosity.

The time came for us to part ways. I had to leave Boston. I had to return to Chicago. After I left I told her how I really felt and she asked why did I never tell her.

Because I knew. Because I understood. What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained.

I made choices.

So many of the women I knew had given into their desires. Often brining women into their beds with their men and losing the trust and loyalty of a man who never needed to be faithful to his woman because the bed he shared with his woman always seemed to have an outsider in it with her permission.

We all have choices. I had a choice.

15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

Joshua 24:15 | NIV

Yes. Before I knew God the way I knew him now I knew his word. So I chose.

I choose God. He chose me so that’s the least I could do.

Yes. I once wanted to kiss a girl but I knew God would not like it.

So I honored my God by making a choice.

Men and accountability

I will never understand women that stick up for men that do inappropriate things. Then they wonder why the men in their lives can’t get right.

Yes you. You’re probably accepting the unacceptable.

I can’t. I won’t. It’s life.

I’ll never forget the day I saw my daughters father and his girlfriend for the first time after the girl jumped on me when I wasn’t looking. I mean from behind. After I stood in her face in the middle of the street for too long to let us hash it out as women. I mean I was alone. But here she needed her cousin. She needed her Sisters. She needed a pipe. I was still alone and my baby daddy was on her side.

See what had happened was the last time he wrapped his hands around my neck and threw me to the ground I pressed charges. I am a woman. The fact that I can withstand the forty hours of pain delivering his child mandates my respect. I will demand it by any means necessary.

I guess he didn’t like the way I stood up for myself.

So the following year after being snaked by his girlfriend, the barren one, he told the police standing nearby that I started the mess. Maybe I did. But my non violent protest did not call for pepper spray or to be lead into the county jail waiting on family members who couldn’t wait to laugh and talk about me to come and bail me out.

Such is life.

Yes. I refuse to let a man be caught up in boyish behavior. Not with me anyways.

And no that doesn’t mean that I need to judge anyone so God will call down judgement on me.

If I don’t like it I don’t like it, that doesn’t mean that I’m hating. Common Sense said it best!!

But for real. I’m a grown woman. I am just getting a chance to know and understand how things go in certain settings. There are certain men I would never think should be sending me pictures of them with erections in red underwear.

Pinky swear. I promise. Pinkies up. I’m not being high siditty. Some things should be kept to themselves and I should never see a man in his red underwear. Or his gray underwear. And the more I learn how to live and respect myself so I truly believe I don’t deserve to have someone sending me almost erotic pictures when I am struggling to be kept.

It’s hard enough resisting the temptation of the beautifully handsome man who holds my face upside down to kiss my lips and forehead. But I do. The man that not just wants to feed me but shares what he has with me. Yes. Men are physical. They want to engage in physical matters. It isn’t about the man that almost. It’s going to be about The man that did.

The man that did.

The man that did disrespect me by trying to appeal to my flesh and get me to cuddle with him so that when I am trying to get deliverance from my lustful flesh At the altar seeing him dancing and singing with the team that is supposed to lead me into worship distracts me to keep me in bondage to the very flesh I am supposed to be fighting.

Such is life.

Or is it?

When women constantly stick up for men saying the way they behave is okay because no one can judge them.

It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall. Romans 14:21

Yes. What about this? What about the fact that my brother sent me a picture of him in his boxers. I had not been entertaining men or my flesh and while my brother was supposed to be pushing me towards Christ asking me continuously to come and cuddle with him at his home while sending me pictures of him in his boxers opened the door to the very same thing I have been praying and asking God to close the door to.

As I struggle with the desires that have now been reintroduced to my flesh with the reminders of my very engaging past I’m on the verge of falling and don’t know how I am going to get back up.

In the words of DMX, I’m slipping I’m falling I gotsta get up.

As I watch the world around me give in to their flesh I understand why the one man I wanted more than any other told me I was different from the other women that he has encountered. Because real men lead women to Christ and not their bedroom. My tears that were shed as I walked away from a man that made my stomach do somersaults, made my spirit leap and my heart skip a beat. For the first time I was breathing deeper and for real this time I was able to exhale.

No. It was not sir red draws. There is no shade. It’s all about being respected as a woman. As I asked him. Was there something I said or a way I represented or presented myself that would make him think I would be alright with seeing him in his underwear? He said no. It’s just nothing. Maybe I’m too much of a square. Maybe I deserve to have someone try to turn me away from this path I’ve been trying to stay on with Christ. Maybe now that I’m supposed to be alright with a man just exposing me to whatever I should go ahead and do all the rest of the things that are now being thrown at me now that my flesh has been reminded of the past.

Or maybe the enemy used his pawn. Is now rewarding him and the women who love to never make a man stand as a man and be accountable want to say it was my fault and look at me sideways because Lord knows I don’t want to love on the women that need love from their sisters before they learn how to love a man. Maybe it’s all to keep us all from our destiny. All because a man is so used to being disrespectful to women because no one has ever held him accountable.

Maybe it’s time.

I’m not used to being liked. Maybe it’s about making sure all us women make it and the men that try to keep us wallowing in mess get a sit down.

So. To the women that still stand up for the men that do wrong. Let a man be a man. Teach him how to grow and be accountable. These men are teaching boys the basics. These men are helping girls grow into womanhood.

So let them do it. Let God deal with them. And let righteousness come forth.

The light of God shines within. He works with each and every one of us. In a judgement free zone we can correct in love. So love as God loves. The one he loves he disciplines. Let correction take place. Only in correction can we grow. Growth and change takes place to make way for newness.

So as we walk into the newness and leave the past behind, know that what God wants to do he needs none of our help with. Let Go and let God and watch him work wonders in the lives of those who believe.

Yes God. I am a believer!!

This Means War

I’m pointing the Ms. Celie fingers at ole Mista!

“Until you do right by me.”

That’s right.

I’m sure you believe you and God so tight. But Saul said the same thing before ole David came along and they sang songs of his ten thousands while only acknowledging Sauls one thousand. And Saul had too much pride to accept what was knowing that neither of them would have been able to do anything without God.

He had issues with humility.

Some people are given the reigns of their gifts too soon and they lose the humility that would have kept them as Gods favored one forever.

You can’t be God. You can’t make yourself an idol. You can’t delight in false humility. Stepping on the dead bodies of those you’ve slain and left behind when God sent them to you for you to be a help to them.

Yeah. You have a promise. But God is not going to lead you to the promise if you and your bad attitude, messed up way of dealing with people, thinking you’re all that, and treating others like crap while ignoring their tears. I mean. If you can’t even show love to the brother or sister you can see how can you dare say you love the God you can’t.

I mean if you have been called to minister to the masses. You failed the effin test!

Because how can God trust you to take care of thousands whom you may touch with words, music, pictures, items for purchase and all the people you may come in contact with if He sends someone valuable to you and you let them hang out to dry. Killing their spirit with the words you refuse to use to uplift and encourage them with.

Yes.

Life is about tests.

I usually fail my tests.

Like last year. I fell in love. With Jesus. And the man who introduced me to His spirit. Holy Spirit. But God pulled me out of that situation and here comes tall dark and handsome. Standing in a doorway with his number in hand.

Who wants that perfect love story anyway?

I do. Always looking for the perfect love story. Always with the fairy tale. Always in a relationship, fauxlationship, herlationship, ourlationship.

See I never cared who else was there. I knew I had that snapper so all others could forget about dude when I put my mind and body to something! I love to love and be in love.

That’s probably the thorn that will forever stay in my side.

So. Though. I’ve been there. I wanted that perfect love story. But I knew if I stayed. And we continued doing the things we did. He would not get what I was there to give him.

See me sharing my body with him would keep him distracted from the greater I was going to push that was already on him. I know how men respond. To me. I know how I respond right back. We keep finding our way back to each other and it’s been fifteen months.

There is something we both need to learn.

But if we spent time learning each other’s bodies we may just miss the lesson. The reason we have been placed in each other’s lives.

But those. Those that leave you behind. Not caring about the pain that you are being left with. I watched every man that hurt, left, gloated, continually disrespected, yes. Every man fell hard. They hurt me and then they fall harder than they’ve ever fallen before.

Whom God loves He disciplines. And I don’t know about you but my Daddy loves me. He knows He can show me things and tell me stuff that I will never share with another person. He knows the struggle to be faithful. Even when the options that He definitely didn’t approve of would be presented to me, I always had Him at the back of my mind. Even before I ever stepped foot in a church. He knows my heart. He knows for real!

It’s not just dudes. Somebody told me a young woman was practicing things detestable to God while calling my name out. I did what I do best. I talked to my Daddy. I cried out to my Heavenly Father! Her house burned down that summer. Yes. I know I don’t wrestle with flesh or blood. So I go into warfare.

God will fight for me!

His word. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Exodus 14:14 | NIV

Yes. Those He counts as faithful. Those He counts as His own. I know working on the side of the enemy seems like the rewards are worthwhile. But they only last so long. But The Lord God Almighty, He endures forever!

So yes sir.

Until you do right by me. You made a promise. Your word is bond. I’ll definitely be talking to my Daddy about how you treated me. Like Jonah. You’ll probably find some time in some bellys you weren’t planning on being in. But you know what to do to come out of it.

All He ever wanted was a yes to Him and a no to the enemy!

The choice is yours. I won’t be able to engage or entertain you while you are being disciplined. But I will pray God be merciful as He has promised He will.

And in love sir. Two fingers.

Until you do right by my Father!!

What’s so special about my zodiac sign?

I guess.

We get the test. Sometimes we don’t pass the test and the situations that we encounter in the test provide such negative experiences that the people associated with our encounters give us fear when possibly encountering the situation again.

So. I am an April baby.

Yes. Of the Aries clan.

Yes. I am thankful I was born when I was.

So over this past weekend I was whooping tall tail in a game of spades. My highly competitive nature was coming out against my opponents. And as we had a conversation my opponent said he was born April 11th.

Of course this gets us to talking because my birthday is just a day before his. I told him either us Aries love each other or hate each other.

He said, aries women have beautiful spirits.

I just heard that from someone who actually spent time with me how beautiful my soul is. My heart is big. I love to help. I am generous. But there is a flip side that can be dangerous if I get angry.

Please don’t get me angry.

But God. Thank you Jesus.

See my daughters father and I have birthdays that barely span one week apart.

Our first outing was the strip club so who would’ve thought two months later we would have been curled up in bed, legs intertwined, him holding me so tight I can barely breathe? Who would’ve thought I would have been getting up out my sleep everyday to drive him all the way downtown to work? Who would’ve thought he would have been getting me a vehicle, paying my car payments, putting two televisions in it, with sounds that was beating up the streets every time we rolled out? Who would’ve thought that as soon as I told him I was pregnant that he would be rubbing my belly asking me when we were going to get married?

Not me. Not pining over the man that I had just left to teach a lesson for lying to me for a year. Not just having watched my mother die two deaths. They brought her back to life to kill her again. No. I didn’t want to be loved.

So my flip side came out.

I was mean. I was spiteful. I was hateful. I was hurting. Hurt people hurt people. So I’m sure it was something hurtful I said that caused him to wrap his hands around my throat.

I mean we have these tempers yo.

But we love hard. And some folks love back. Unrelentlessly.

So I’ve only been in love two times. I may have fallen more than that but actually able to relish in the feelings with the other person only happened twice. The first man was born at the end of one month. The other at the middle of the following month. Which made them the same. The same as my daughter.

They will always love and have/show love and come back.

But it’s something. About the love that is teaching me how to love. How to be affectionate all the time. How to engage in stimulating conversation when I want to be alone in my loner state. How to let pride die and forgiveness rise. How to be affectionate when I don’t want to cuddle.

See my daughter sleeps on my arm. She wraps herself around me. She needs to be reminded of my love daily. So I am learning to show it more. Like my exes keep coming back to try again I am learning persistence when the April baby in me wants to say fcuk it. I am learning love knows no boundaries.

Now I know God does not want us to look to the stars for the future. So I won’t.

Someone explained to me that just like we can expect leaves to turn come September the April baby in me will not be automatically drawn to certain people whenever they were born. But the fact of the matter is that people that are born in certain months carry certain characteristics that are unique to them. Just like leaves only change colors in the fall and they only grow back in the spring.

We can expect certain things at certain times of the year.

However, that’s my road map. If I know from past experience that my interactions with a man born in April caused such fury between us because I was so busy getting high off my own green supply. Too busy riding through the hood than trying to find God. Too busy trying to live out our own selfish endeavors than include God in our situation.

So now I pray.

I know that Gods ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. He has plans to profit not to harm me. And this good work he has started in me he will complete. See just as Ecclesiastes 11:5 says, 5 As you do not know the path of the wind,or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,so you cannot understand the work of God,the Maker of all things.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 | NIV

I will never understand why he places me in the path of certain people. I just go with the flow. Believe that whatever lesson I am supposed to learn God will allow certain people to come into my life to teach me so I can go wherever He is trying to take me.

Stars may align. But I will never look to them for direction. I will look to the maker of all things. I know that characteristics can change. Where my negative traits were pushy, impatient, and demanding. I learn how to wait. I wait in lines. I wait for God to move for me. I wait for the one I love to find me and find his good thing!

His good and perfect gift.

See as God changes and rearranges me. Makes and remakes me. As he molds me defines and redefines me. And as he places me in the fire to refine me so I can come out as pure gold I know that there were certain characteristics that were supposed to shape my personality. I know that these characteristics are why my relationship with my daughters father failed. But since I know these characteristics are apart of me I prayed them away. I am still a work in progress but I won’t stop praying that God will change me.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Psalms 51:7 | NIV

And after He does that I can count on God to 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalms 51:10 | NIV

See it’s not about what a piece of paper, or man, or stars say about me. It’s about who God created me to be because at the end He has the final say so.

Like I just told someone if you looking for me in my past I’m sorry I don’t live there anymore. I’m not who I used to be. But then again, I am not here to prove it to people who used to know me. Maybe they never were meant to walk with me to the new, since they can’t stop looking for the old. Reminding me of who I will never be again. The word says once I accept Christ I become a new creature in Him!

18 “Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past.19 See, I am doing a new thing!Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the wildernessand streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19 | NIV

Yes. I let God do this new thing! I learn from the old. I learn not to make the same mistakes of the past. I learn not to move too fast. I learn how not to be impulsive and impetuous. I learn how to wait. I learn how to stand for holiness and righteousness and to not let the past overtake me.

I learn how to let God be God! He never needed my help. I will always need His. So I seek His face. Humble myself to seek His face and lean not on my own understanding. He will direct me and make my path straight.

See I need not be anxious about anything but with prayer and thanksgiving seek God.

Right now I’m about my Fathers business and any dude that wanna have conversation has to be about it too. I don’t care who ‘miss me’ and who loves me. As many things as David did he was about my Fathers business.

See we all fall short of the Glory of God. But even the act of being used by God.

It’s never been about the outer man. Again like David. God saw his inner man. He looked for his heart. He saw He had a heart for Him.

So yes. I am an Aries. Born in April. I just met another one. I wanted to fall head over heels on love. I didn’t care about the interactions of my daughters father and I. I know God is changing and making things new. That includes my interpersonal relationships.

So. Details and characteristics. God has the power to do all things. That would include changing me and my heart to be better than I’ve ever been.

So I pursue righteousness. I strive for perfection. But progress is better than stagnancy.

Yes. I’m getting ready for 2015.

It’s time to make some moves!!