I’m not healed. But I’m healing.
I did not want to write half the things I wrote about this year. But I needed freedom. Freedom from the events that caused so much pain and kept me bound in captivity of seclusion making me feel like I was the only one.
I remember the year I felt like I had to be the only one.
Everyone else going on in life living like their fairy tale life came true, mines was the only one that fell apart like the Roots CD album cover, because pain was the only thing that was chasing me that year.
The man I had been with for almost four years and friends for over four years had broken up with me. I was his first and only woman. I thought for sure I was going to be his wife. The plantanos, y yuka, y arroz con pollos I would chef up in the kitchen like I was a Dominican doll left his formerly 160 pound frame at a new solid foundation of over two hundred pounds.
The freedom I gave him was reigning all over the workings of his next relationship. And the motivation I pushed him and encouraged him with is what is the foundation for the success he has now as a barber and producer. Low key, he will probably never give me credit. As he should not. I was just a tool used by God.
We broke up though.
Me always looking at the lame dude awry and wanting the excitement of the thug. Had me waiting in anticipation for my ex thing to give me a ring. You know like on the phone because I had come to realize he would never put one on my finger.
Anyway I did the unacceptable.
My baby left me.
Time went by. The pain escalated.
I took too many anti depressants.
I will never forget the taste of charcoal in my mouth as the realization hit me that maybe just maybe the pain of this life won’t be here always.
Throwing up projectile streams as the ER staff looked at me with disdain and growing impatience.
They didn’t know my story. My mother was embarrassed.
I was in pain.
Fast forward. Eight years later. Today I finally check my twitter account. One of my former co-workers sent me a private tweet in March. Right around the time this as shole who doesn’t want me but knows I’m going to be successful one day and just doesn’t want anyone deserving to have me hits me up. He needs encouragement because the ratchet twits he can’t keep his pants out of can’t motivate him to be better. He needs my words. They are my gift. I give them freely. No need to profile front and stunt.
My dude I see you!
So I’m reading my former coworkers tweets. She’s talking about how bad the pain is. How the cutting has resumed. How the abusive relationship has her depressed. How her second failed suicide attempt almost was a success.
But there are no more tweets after that day.
I’ll never forget how a friend of mine told me of a co worker of his that he was supposed to go visit after church got forgotten about as he chased behind a skirt or something equally as unimportant. That coworker took his life that day.
My sweet little Puerto Rican princess though. Working our graveyard shift. Talking about our bucket lists. And I’m remembering her beautiful personality. Her tales of woe in her childhood and I’m hoping and praying not her. If only she held on.
But I got distracted. But someone whose assignment has always been to drive me off course came to manipulate my feelings to dote on him and the poor unguided choices he has made and continues to make since he refuses to walk with The Lord.
My greater year has seen much. Greater determination. Greater love. Greater joy. Greater purpose. A greater walk. Greater relationship with God. Greater calm. Greater friendships. Greater discipline. But greater pain. Greater tears. Greater hardships.
Now thinking of the possibility of this young woman whose twitter account had been barren since she sent me that last unanswered tweet, of course I have greater sorrow.
I cannot save the world. But I can introduce those whom are placed in my path to my Greater Savior. Because He is greater than any problems one could ever face.
Yes. He is greater than!
I have learned how to sit still and wait on Him.
No I can’t beat myself up over my choices. Romans 8:1 tells me there is no condemnation. I just know better to do better.
To do better in pleasing God.
26 To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 2:26 | NIV
As I stood still I watched how God is working in my behalf. Waiting on Gods handiwork in my life found me pleasure in doing what I love and eventually sorting out the madness of my life. Maybe the things happened only so I can be a witness to tell that it is possible to overcome and be more than a conqueror!
Yes. The hurt of my past came full circle as the darkness of my path was encompassed by light. A bright spirit that came to make me laugh, smile, encourage me, push and motivate me to be the best version of myself as he struggles to do the same.
Friends came and went only for one to stay rooted firmly intact. And for the new ones to continue to blossom.
What’s for you is for you and what’s for me is for me. Whatever God wants us to have shall be.
So this is dedicated to my dear friend. I pray to God that maybe you just got tired of tweeting. But you’re reading. The pain only lasts so long and then God gives us pain killers. Almost like the Doctors because He is the master Healer!
I can’t think of the if nots.
Yes. Love found me. Because after all my seeking and searching for God He planted a seed next to mine to take root firmly like a redwood tree. One that would be a protection and covering for me and those around me. A spirit so big that I could never get bored with. A heart so full I almost drown in his love, so I keep holding steadfast to Jesus to get the breath I need.
Yes. I fell in love with God and a man saw fit to begin to love the God in me. And maybe we just be daydreaming. The ice sculptures at my Jamaican wedding is just me being a visionary. Maybe this forever talk is depending. Depending on how we keep God first, probably! Depending on how we beat our flesh Into submission to die daily so Gods Spirit can rise up and do what needs to be done in both of our lives.
I mean all we really need is love. Gods love is constant and when He sees our pursuit of happiness includes the balance of adding Him into the equation he places partners to be a physical manifestation of that love.
The choice is ours.
So to my people looking for hope, look no further. I am a walking testimony of the greater works of God. He has changed and rearranged.
So no matter how long the rain storm last, there is always the promise of a rainbow after the storm. You might get rain but it will never get to be as bad as it once was. So have faith and carry on.
Heal then love. God will do His part.
Are you willing to do yours?