We get the test. Sometimes we don’t pass the test and the situations that we encounter in the test provide such negative experiences that the people associated with our encounters give us fear when possibly encountering the situation again.
So. I am an April baby.
Yes. Of the Aries clan.
Yes. I am thankful I was born when I was.
So over this past weekend I was whooping tall tail in a game of spades. My highly competitive nature was coming out against my opponents. And as we had a conversation my opponent said he was born April 11th.
Of course this gets us to talking because my birthday is just a day before his. I told him either us Aries love each other or hate each other.
He said, aries women have beautiful spirits.
I just heard that from someone who actually spent time with me how beautiful my soul is. My heart is big. I love to help. I am generous. But there is a flip side that can be dangerous if I get angry.
Please don’t get me angry.
But God. Thank you Jesus.
See my daughters father and I have birthdays that barely span one week apart.
Our first outing was the strip club so who would’ve thought two months later we would have been curled up in bed, legs intertwined, him holding me so tight I can barely breathe? Who would’ve thought I would have been getting up out my sleep everyday to drive him all the way downtown to work? Who would’ve thought he would have been getting me a vehicle, paying my car payments, putting two televisions in it, with sounds that was beating up the streets every time we rolled out? Who would’ve thought that as soon as I told him I was pregnant that he would be rubbing my belly asking me when we were going to get married?
Not me. Not pining over the man that I had just left to teach a lesson for lying to me for a year. Not just having watched my mother die two deaths. They brought her back to life to kill her again. No. I didn’t want to be loved.
So my flip side came out.
I was mean. I was spiteful. I was hateful. I was hurting. Hurt people hurt people. So I’m sure it was something hurtful I said that caused him to wrap his hands around my throat.
I mean we have these tempers yo.
But we love hard. And some folks love back. Unrelentlessly.
So I’ve only been in love two times. I may have fallen more than that but actually able to relish in the feelings with the other person only happened twice. The first man was born at the end of one month. The other at the middle of the following month. Which made them the same. The same as my daughter.
They will always love and have/show love and come back.
But it’s something. About the love that is teaching me how to love. How to be affectionate all the time. How to engage in stimulating conversation when I want to be alone in my loner state. How to let pride die and forgiveness rise. How to be affectionate when I don’t want to cuddle.
See my daughter sleeps on my arm. She wraps herself around me. She needs to be reminded of my love daily. So I am learning to show it more. Like my exes keep coming back to try again I am learning persistence when the April baby in me wants to say fcuk it. I am learning love knows no boundaries.
Now I know God does not want us to look to the stars for the future. So I won’t.
Someone explained to me that just like we can expect leaves to turn come September the April baby in me will not be automatically drawn to certain people whenever they were born. But the fact of the matter is that people that are born in certain months carry certain characteristics that are unique to them. Just like leaves only change colors in the fall and they only grow back in the spring.
We can expect certain things at certain times of the year.
However, that’s my road map. If I know from past experience that my interactions with a man born in April caused such fury between us because I was so busy getting high off my own green supply. Too busy riding through the hood than trying to find God. Too busy trying to live out our own selfish endeavors than include God in our situation.
So now I pray.
I know that Gods ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. He has plans to profit not to harm me. And this good work he has started in me he will complete. See just as Ecclesiastes 11:5 says, 5 As you do not know the path of the wind,or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,so you cannot understand the work of God,the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 | NIV
I will never understand why he places me in the path of certain people. I just go with the flow. Believe that whatever lesson I am supposed to learn God will allow certain people to come into my life to teach me so I can go wherever He is trying to take me.
Stars may align. But I will never look to them for direction. I will look to the maker of all things. I know that characteristics can change. Where my negative traits were pushy, impatient, and demanding. I learn how to wait. I wait in lines. I wait for God to move for me. I wait for the one I love to find me and find his good thing!
His good and perfect gift.
See as God changes and rearranges me. Makes and remakes me. As he molds me defines and redefines me. And as he places me in the fire to refine me so I can come out as pure gold I know that there were certain characteristics that were supposed to shape my personality. I know that these characteristics are why my relationship with my daughters father failed. But since I know these characteristics are apart of me I prayed them away. I am still a work in progress but I won’t stop praying that God will change me.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Psalms 51:7 | NIV
And after He does that I can count on God to 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalms 51:10 | NIV
See it’s not about what a piece of paper, or man, or stars say about me. It’s about who God created me to be because at the end He has the final say so.
Like I just told someone if you looking for me in my past I’m sorry I don’t live there anymore. I’m not who I used to be. But then again, I am not here to prove it to people who used to know me. Maybe they never were meant to walk with me to the new, since they can’t stop looking for the old. Reminding me of who I will never be again. The word says once I accept Christ I become a new creature in Him!
18 “Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past.19 See, I am doing a new thing!Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the wildernessand streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19 | NIV
Yes. I let God do this new thing! I learn from the old. I learn not to make the same mistakes of the past. I learn not to move too fast. I learn how not to be impulsive and impetuous. I learn how to wait. I learn how to stand for holiness and righteousness and to not let the past overtake me.
I learn how to let God be God! He never needed my help. I will always need His. So I seek His face. Humble myself to seek His face and lean not on my own understanding. He will direct me and make my path straight.
See I need not be anxious about anything but with prayer and thanksgiving seek God.
Right now I’m about my Fathers business and any dude that wanna have conversation has to be about it too. I don’t care who ‘miss me’ and who loves me. As many things as David did he was about my Fathers business.
See we all fall short of the Glory of God. But even the act of being used by God.
It’s never been about the outer man. Again like David. God saw his inner man. He looked for his heart. He saw He had a heart for Him.
So yes. I am an Aries. Born in April. I just met another one. I wanted to fall head over heels on love. I didn’t care about the interactions of my daughters father and I. I know God is changing and making things new. That includes my interpersonal relationships.
So. Details and characteristics. God has the power to do all things. That would include changing me and my heart to be better than I’ve ever been.
So I pursue righteousness. I strive for perfection. But progress is better than stagnancy.
Yes. I’m getting ready for 2015.
It’s time to make some moves!!