Met him on a Thursday, sunny afternoon cumulus clouds 84 degrees he was light!
Said he wanted to talk about my missions listen to my life. Word!
Love Rain down!! Love rain down!!
Not quite. But almost.
It was a Friday night. My phone was blowing up in a rarity that I hadn’t really been seeing which made me wonder what was going to be so special about the man who I was waiting on to walk through the door of my childhood friends apartment.
No thank you. I don’t want to see the hobbit. And you sir. Why are you after the blatant disregard of my feelings and disrespectful interactions texting me WYD? Definitely not you. Move around. Thanks.
My jerk and asshole tendencies will not be denied any further. Love me or hate me but I promise you’ll never be bored by me!
So here he walks through the door. Leather Pelle, fitting right. Jays on his feet. Attire right proper.
I see you boo. Can’t deny this paper I know you getting. With the right appeal of D-Boy. Everyone knows I have a soft spot for dudes with a hustler mentality.
Imma hustler imma imma hustler.
But money has never been the motive. I can get my own and what’s yours will never be mine unless the ring and vows happen but we gotta get past the introduction first.
He ignores me. I’m appalled. He talks about my little mermaid top. I’m offended. He calls me a tall tree, and says he only likes whatever he likes but it happens to not be me. I’m like whatever.
A bigger asshole than me I never did see.
I wanted to leave. But I decided to stay.
We had cupcakes. We went for a drive and the moment I almost missed out on has turned into the longest conversation I have ever had in my life.
I have fallen in love.
He laughed heartily the first day I told him. Like how can a person love in a few days. Yeah. I’m intense like that. But I wouldn’t even put myself in a situationship to begin to allow feelings to manifest if I did not think a man would be good for me.
Not just a good man. But a good man for me.
See. His desire to see me maintain my over seventeen month walk with purity has light kisses on my forehead and soft kisses on his cheek the foundational rules of our relationship. Sharing a bed is a no no, we understand what falling looks like so we strive to stand together. We can enjoy each other’s company while sleeping separately. The fact that he wants to see me be my best self has him sending me videos to catch up on YouTube. Helping me develop a nutritional plan focuses his center around helping me achieve my goals as he works just as diligently to accomplish his own. Not only for my personal walk but my spiritual walk as well.
He’s a hustler.
He motivates me. He encourages me. He protects me. And we share.
Oh how we share. We share our stories of our experiences. We share desires of our dreams. We share a love of the same God whom we put trust in that He will be the author and finisher of our faith. See if we are meant to be in our Fathers will together, we trust that what is for us is for us.
The most beautiful thing about this is the fact that words cannot express the beauty of our interactions.
I laugh uncontrollably. He offends me. He apologizes. I forgive. I taper my temper and calm down when his words come harshly. See I understand as a woman it’s not my job to undermine his authority as a leading figure in my life. Even if he should happen to be wrong, I pray. He hears and follows the voice of God and I watch how he interacts with me and my daughter that he really wants Gods best for me. If that happens to be him that’s a plus.
Time. Is of the essence. It’s fleeting yet holds much value.
So I fall in. Fall into deeper relationship with my Father. Because now I understand how my Fathers love kept me from those whose intentions were to pull me away from Him and his desire to protect me, give me the secret desires of my heart and place the man of my dreams into my life is only a measure of his vast and great love.
So here I am. My love for God showing me how to love a man, just as, if not more complicated than I. And we study. We study each other. We learn each other. The school of life has made us students of each other, and the fact that our investment in each other exceeds our interest we show up even when the world wants to deal us low blows. Instead of finding escape in the outer world we know that we can lean on each other.
Yes this is new. Fresh and wonderful. Of course I like Chrisette Michelle want a couple of forevers. Then a couple more. But its what God wills. So I find pleasure in knowing that my Father loves me enough to honor the sacrifice of my waiting for Him and not taking matters into my own hand.
Obedience is better than sacrifice. And my Father has asked me repeatedly to fear Him and keep His commandments. Only He knows the rewards and treasures waiting on us if only we listen.
So today. I celebrate the life of the man that has brought so much love, life, light and laughter into my world in such a short period of time. With him following my Savior, I will follow him to the ends of the earth. Blisters on my soles and all. Just to be with him is a blessing. Just to know him is a treasure. Yes. For the first time in my life Love feels like a blessing that can not be measured!
What kind of title does a man get in a courtship?
If he’s not my man is he my man friend? Is he my boo thang? My boo? My bae? My honey bun? My honey? My dear? Baby?
I mean what about him being my friend?
Why do we live in a society that places so much pressure on what we call each other?
One of my favorite songs is Unconventional ways by Jazzyfatnastees. “Don’t need no car, no picket fence, to show the world that we connect. Don’t need no church, or diamond ring, to prove our loves a lasting thing.”
While that is the motive in a relationship for me. I don’t need it because that is a reflection for the rest of the world to see when what we do together is between us and God.
So I’m Facebook lurking. Being nosy. Can’t help it. If I could give free relationship advice to all women. I mean every woman who I cuffed up and listened to me is somewhere married with the man of their dreams.
all dreams are different. Never the less, facts are facts.
So on being nosy a couple is having an unstable time. Of course they are. They took momentum of a situation called it a relationship and moved too fast. Not to mention the kissing and loving on of someone they barely knew. Getting the flesh involved. Who knows what else.
Yes. We all know where letting our flesh lead take us.
When I was in my worldly mind frame, I slept with every man I didn’t want to be with. I knew the problems would erupt, and my first boyfriend explained to my mind of virginal thoughts, some women you marry. Some women you sleep with.
Some men are never meant to be attached to longer than acts of intimacy that go outside of Gods covenant arrangement. Acts of the flesh.
Well anyway fleshly behaviors beget us fleshly outcomes.
I can’t see myself taking pictures of myself almost naked and expecting my man to not be expecting me to be half naked in his presence and then wanting what goes with nakedness.
Sounds like I did a teaser thing. The art of manipulation which involves the art of seduction. To play my role as Eve. Bite Adam. Because I want to force and coerce you into carrying our relationship further than where God has given you permission to take it, by using my feminine wiles to get you off the course of thinking God has directed you towards.
No. I would be acting like a woman of the world and not a woman of God if I did those things.
That’s not judgement and that’s not shade. It’s facts. Maybe the truth in setting folks free was always designed to hurt, or convict. Then I get beat down for voicing it.
Sorry I’m not sorry. But loving everyone with the love of Christ means I don’t want anyone out here looking crazy. And if you love me and see me doing something crazy correct me as well. It’s all about running this Christian race to receive a prize.
And ladies you can’t know that a man is supposed to be your husband when you are letting your flesh take the lead because it’s hard to hear Gods voice above the scream of our flesh!
So. Maybe it’s about a little decency. Maybe it’s about a little patience. Maybe it’s about taking time to get to know a person to see if you can deal with all their idiosyncrasies before you give a title. Titles mean nothing if the actions don’t line up.
I can be title less and be more faithful than I’ve ever been, or have a title and have twenty other boyfriends. It’s all about my desires.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 | NIV
The first fruit of the spirit is love, and we all know that love is patient. Slow to anger means we can utilize the fruitage of the spirit which is kindness and gentleness.
It looks like we would all do well to cultivate these fruitages in our lives and relationships, before we get a title. Let Gods love permeate so self love can be sufficient before we try to love another person.
I may not know it all. I never want to. Relying on God for His wisdom means I can always stay close to him. But I can also have success in the relationships He has given me to be a good steward over.
After all it’s always been about hearing Him say, well done my good and faithful servant.
Sometimes being a servant means doing what we don’t want to do, like Christ did for us. But it’s only in loving God more than we love anyone else that we can love people the way He loves us. That may be just to serve them, man woman alike. Titles or no titles.
Because in the end God is a business man. Marriage is a covenant, his contract of promise and protection between two people. And in the end we all serve a purpose, one we may not necessarily like in the end. But if it’s for the glory of God sometimes we just have to humble ourselves and submit to God.
It’s really just preparation for what God has for us in the end!
They say mother instinct is natural.
If it is why in the world do new mothers cleave to older women when they have a child for the first time?
If it was really natural instincts mothers wouldn’t need advice from older women and they would be able to do it alone.
I was just telling someone how I played the dummy when I got pregnant. It was my sorrowful heart trying to figure out how I was going to live without the one person in the world who loved me. The hell we went through in my younger years caused our appreciation of each other in my adult years to exceed my expectations.
My running joke was if I ever had a child, since my daughter was my first pregnancy, my mother would take the child for the first three years. Yes. I had no plans to be a mother. I was on a paper chase.
So here I am twenty eight about to embark on motherhood with a man I don’t want to be with because he was a rebound from a situation I had been in for almost two years. He would often joke about being boyfriend number two. He watched my interaction with my guy the night he met me at my birthday party. He chose me anyway.
So here I am trying to prepare to be a mother but not able to even deal with myself and the pain of my past.
Who was I supposed to run to? Who was supposed to help me know that I needed to put a coin on my baby’s outie to put it in place. Who was supposed to help me deal with my daughter during my deep post partum. I may act like a soldier but my heart was hurting.
At the time I didn’t know my Savior the way I do now.
So maybe a few dentist appointments got missed. Maybe I couldn’t be firm with the people who thought it was cute to give my daughter coffee with too much sugar because they wanted to make her too hyper to sleep knowing I had to get up at five in the morning.
I swear some of my family can be so cruel.
Maybe I didn’t let her go to preschool because a vast majority of inappropriate encounters happened in my preschool.
Maybe I just did not know that I should keeps snacks, and paper and things to keep her busy. When I watch others look at me with disdain because of what I don’t know instead of them giving me advice. So many people have opinions but lack the love to help others where they are weak.
That’s why I blog. Maybe my foolishness can help another person before they go through the same things.
So here I am understanding that the only way I can be successful with my daughter is with a multitude of counsel.
14 For lack of guidance a nation falls,but victory is won through many advisers.
Proverbs 11:14 | NIV
I may not have who I thought I would, or even who I thought I wanted. But God is a provider. He has given us more than enough and continues to show his heavy hand of provision in our lives. So who am I to complain.
Facts are facts are facts. But outlook and perspective is a choice.
We are blessed and although I may not have a natural maternal instinct I can always take a parents class or two. I think I shall. Because really now that my daughter is here in my life, I have to make sure I give her the best opportunities and live life for her success.
Yes. The selfish single life is over. I am now ready to live generously as a mother!
I’m so thankful.
Valuing treasure seems to be the sum of all events these days.
Last year my grandfather bought me an old school. Not quite. A 94 Chevy Corsica but it only had 69,000 miles on it. It may be old but it has the favor of God on it. I’m sure He led my grandfather to place title, registration and keys in my hands. Because of that favor when 2014 BMWs not starting up because of the bitter biting cold my lil putt putt going vroom vroom!
So I take care. I keep it clean from a very energetic and absent minded four year old. Inside and out. I just got my oil changed and I do what I can to make sure God knows I appreciate my blessing. See anyone who needs a ride can get one from me.
I may not like the fact that I am living in my grandparents empty apartment that they use for storage purposes. But this ancient heater stove that sits in the middle of the living room keeps my daughter and I warm and the bed we sleep in allows us to enter into His rest.
You know whom The Lord loves he gives rest.
They don’t even ask me for a dime. Not really. But I’m going to do better. So I am working on keeping the place as clean as I can considering.
Yes. Caring and appreciating the things that have been entrusted to my care.
So here I am. This man of mine. Always wanting to make sure I am ok. Like my neck is protected from the winter chill. He gives me a neck covering. Columbia name on the inscription. But that has no value to me. The value is that this man is so concerned about my well being. That he relinquishes what he has for me.
So I’m looking around and seeing it is nowhere in the apartment. Everything has a place so if I can’t find it it is not in the place.
I go out in this below zero weather to search my car. Not there. I go into grandmas house to see if I left it and I can’t find it. I am starting to get frantic. Tears are threatening to appear. I never want this man to even think that anything he is doing for me is taken for granted because everything he does of his own free will is a blessing to my life. I am blessed that someone wants to care for me enough to so anything for me.
I pray for and thank God daily. For his grace and mercy is sufficient. Plus He gives good gifts.
This man is a treasure. I have been presented to him as a gift. And the value and care he puts into me and my feelings and my well being makes my stomach do somersaults and my heart skip a beat.
Yes. Taking nothing for granted means that I learn how to be a good steward over everything God has entrusted me with. I am learning. I am and forever will be a work in progress.
23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
Matthew 25:23 | NIV
But I just want to be a good and faithful servant over the seeds God has entrusted me with. He will make them grow. But I must so my part. Pruning nurturing and watering. Faith without works is dead so I have to put my best foot forward.
So yes. Thankful. I am being trusted. I just want to please the one that is and always has been forever faithful to me.
How does one learn to believe in themselves when no one else does?
I spent the last almost seven years mourning my mother that I almost forgot what hell she made my childhood and young adult life. I wasn’t always a good kid. She didn’t always know how to handle her frustrations well. She may have been who she was, but my reckless mouth was worse.
Thank God for the power of change trough the a high priest we have in the order of Melchizedek. Thank you Jesus.
He has forgiven. So I walk into my new life understanding there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
Anyway. Someone recently told me I am my own worst enemy. Quite possibly all my life nothing I ever did was good enough so I tended to focus on what comes easy.
Math was easy. School was easy.
But even my testing at high school levels was never good enough. Because as usual I could not get my self control under wraps and always had a check preventing me from getting on the honor roll. And as usual in the black family we focus on the negatives and not the positives.
Here I am an adult.
Not having gone to high school the foreign talk of my best friend went above my level of comprehension. She who had been in private boarding schools majority of her life was looking at ivy leagues like Harvard, Yale, University of Chicago and even Columbia in New York.
She chose Harvard.
I was working almost full time lying to all the department stores about having a GED. They never checked. I clocked in on that paper. I mean I felt it was time well spent.
Different worlds. Until one day. I met a man. He was married but he wanted to love me. I had to explain how I felt about being with married men one too many times in my life. I guess the one I fell for knew the only way he would get me is to lie about it. Such is life.
Anyway. I said no. He tried to remain my friend with the old I’m getting divorced story. Since he was twenty years older than I and not having any intimate connection with me to distract him, he told me what I needed to hear.
You’re too smart to not be in school. Go back.
I returned. Got my GED. Enrolled in my two year college the same month and was a Phi Theta Kappa member. Graduated with a 3.7 GPA.
Maybe all I needed was a push.
I have been writing all my life. Pages of poems lined hidden notebooks and fear consumed me as I was unable to share what I had with others. But that husband of mine. He hears the poem I wrote about our friendship, since it couldn’t be a love poem, we were never in love, and he encouraged me to share it.
That year I performed my first spoken word piece.
I got lost in the comfort and familiarity of sharing my gifts with others. Yes it was intimidating. There are so many poets much better than I. But why would I compare myself? The last time I did a piece. MReld, one of my favorite poets was in the audience. A def poetry jam poet. Woosah. Of course the talented Awthentik and Robin and Edot. Some of my personal favorites. But I’m me. I can’t compare. I had to be eight months pregnant about 285 pounds but I wanted, I needed to express myself, while my seed was within. I had to plant those seeds within her. But still why compare?
12 We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 13 We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God himself has assigned to us, a sphere that also includes you.
2 Corinthians 10:12-13 | NIV
I live by the word. It is the truth, the way and the light. It is the only time one can get set free.
So here I am embarking on the next level of my journey. I sing for play. I never allow others to hear my authentic singing voice. You can judge the one I self sabotage myself with because I know it sounds horrible. But if you judge the one I think sounds pretty decent there goes these five notebooks of songs. No one will ever hear them if I get some negative feedback. Oh well.
But after my most humiliating moment in howling like cats, and creating unharmonious falsettos and knowing how poorly I did being my own worst enemy, my guy texts me right at the moment. An essay of sorts. The support and love. God knew I needed the encouragement and my guy had no idea what was going on.
When I told him later he reminded me how proud he is of me. He let me know that I tried. I made a conscious decision to use my voice for God not caring how others perceive me. Doing Gods will is more important than being humiliated. I mean all that He has done for me. And these words of these songs will speak life to so many who are lifeless. Gods will be done.
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
Romans 12:1 | NIV
My life is not my own. I belong to my Savior who paid the ultimate price for my life.
So now I work. I’ve never sang. But maybe with a lesson or two. Maybe an open mic or two. Maybe work to become my best self. Mastery over self!
My gift is definitely not my voice but always has been my words. But if my talent can be worked on and enhanced to be mastered to the top quality it can become, it may never be my voice touching people but the words that will produce healing for their sordid emotional state.
But the support. But the encouragement.
So this is to all the people. Those who love me and support me with all my wild ideas. And crazy desires. Only God knows the plans He has for us all. Be patient, wait on and focus on Him. From the people He puts in our lives and those He removes. From the foundation he has laid and the path He gives us to walk.
Yes the times I have been afraid I have trusted in The Lord. I will continue to do so. See He has always been a mother and father to the mother and fatherless. He has our best interests in mind. So I will continue to believe.
My guy is a wealth of wisdom.
He explains to me that as a woman if you give me seed I am supposed to multiply it.
I may throw shade but the only reason people really get offended is because it’s get truth.
It’s like taking fifteen hundred dollars my man has given me and buying a purse with it when he don’t even make fifteen hundred dollars in one check. Instead of taking that money and creating an opportunity to make a net gain. Either enriching the home, enriching us as a couple, or putting it away safely.
I mean a selfish wife is not a good thing.
I know about the art of selfish. I practiced it for years. Let my family tell it I’m selfish, lazy and spoiled. Maybe that’s their truth because I have a hard time showing my loving generous nature with people that don’t like me.
Maybe I’m like Joseph.
Maybe I’m more like him than one could know. Maybe I’ve been given away. Had my things stolen from me by the very people I thought were supposed to love. Maybe this prison I’m in now is helping me become a better person by teaching me how to trust in The Lord like no other. Maybe I was sent to live amongst strangers to learn what real love in a family looks like, so I can stop pretending. Maybe I was just always considered a maybe baby. Maybe his maybe not.
I mean according to some family members my mother was a whore. The same woman who shut it down after I was born and didn’t get with another man until her husband came seventeen years later. The same beautiful woman who had men lined up never allowed me to see her even interact with another man and never spent the night away from me.
Yeah. Jealousy still stings in death. She’s not here to speak up for herself so I’ve internalized other peoples hatred of my mother since it had been carried onto me.
So here I am learning how to plant good seed on good soil. I used to plant seed with people that never liked me. So all it produced was more seeds of disdain. People that would never celebrate me and talk more about me behind my back than uplifting me.
It probably had something to do with wanting what I wanted when I wanted. You know the instant gratification clause. Almost like wanting popcorn and instead of pulling out a pot, adding oil, and letting popcorn pop. My generation can just put a bag in a microwave and get similar results.
A wise man said it’s like a cake. Back in my grandparents generation they probably had to milk the cow for milk, go into a chicken hatch for eggs, cream and churn milk to make butter, thresh wheat and do whatever process to refine it to make flour. Whatever they had to do they had to trust a process. There was a process. It was probably lengthy. But they did it. That’s why that generation courted. They took time to become friends. They coy fully batted eyes. They held hands. They talked and communicated with one another and not social media. They minded each other’s business and not the whole worlds on the internet. They gazed at stars instead of television screens.
There was a process.
So here I am. Learning to let go of people that don’t want to love me. Learning to appreciate the people that ride for me regardless of what I have knowing that the love I have to give is priceless. Here I am trusting a process. A courting process with a special someone in my life. Allowing the light of God to be illuminated through our actions so He can get the glory out of our lives. Loving to laugh. Being each other’s motivator, encourager and peace.
I don’t mind going in chicken coops milking a cow or two. I don’t mind putting in the work necessary to have the blessings that The Lord wants to provide for me. Everything worth gaining is worth waiting and working for.
Instant gratification no longer consumes me. The selfishness of only looking out for me is gone. It’s about sharing. But making sure the seed is planted in good ground.
Familial ties don’t create family. And friendliness won’t always produce friends. It’s the work involved in it all. If you are the only one wanting and willing to work maybe that’s not something you should be putting your all into.
It’s about the seeds. The seeds planted.
Who knows the end result. But maybe it’s just the journey that matters in the end anyway!
Here we are fast approaching a new year with the pretentious pretenses of where did the time go.
If you don’t know where the time went in your year you probably were unproductive.
As for me.
I lost thirty pounds. I gained back 20. So I have a net loss of 10 pounds.
Why be concerned about what I can’t hold into. I’m celebrating the thing I have. My ten pound loss.
I wasn’t working and got offered two jobs this year. One job didn’t call back when I wanted so instead of worrying about that I celebrate the job I have. Maybe it’s not what I thought I would do. But it is definitely a blessing to be able to take care of myself.
I had a few friends. Some I called sis. But when I didn’t do what they wanted me to do, they changed their tune. Or maybe they just started treating me like the rest of the family they can’t control and stopped talking to me. It’s ok. I have a sister that I can regularly. We can hit the streets, or pray at 4 am together. She can ride with me and I for her. We may not always want to be bothered with each other but our love is genuine. Unconditional.
I had a few love interests. Men that appealed to my flesh. So I saw them in the natural. Didn’t know their spirits had been sent on assignment to knock me off my path. If you come into my life and your departure leaves me worse than I was before then the tools that you gave me during our interaction were only placed there to knock me off my journey. But I met someone. He makes me feel all like my poem diggin you says he was going to make me feel.
Sometimes I write prophetically.
I started off this year more into church than into my relationship with God. I missed the first two months of church. It was then the Holy Spirit led me to scriptures I find myself using now and accounts I have revelations about now that I would not have had inside of me for Him to call to remembrance when someone is trying to get me to logically look at the movie Exodus.
God is not logical all the time. Remember his ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts.
See this year there were supposed to be a lot of losses. But why would I selfishly pine over my losses when I can thank God for the losses to celebrate what He has allowed me to receive as a result of shutting the doors that were leading to nowhere.
So I celebrate what I have. I celebrate those who are staying for my ride. Sometimes I’m all over the place. Sometimes I’m random. Sometimes I have an attitude. Sometimes I am mean. But sometimes I can be a sweetheart. I am a woman who loves to love and nurture. I love to speak good words into the lives of those who need encouragement.
I’m no longer looking at what it’s not. If you’re not here I am thankful for the time we got to spend together. But I am celebrating what is. I am celebrating the people who are here.
It’s a New Year! It’s a New Life! It’s a New Me! Thankful that God is doing a new thing. So I’ll sing this new song he has placed inside my heart. The newness. It’s a blessing. So I hold on a wait on The Lord to manifest what He has said He will do.
All things anew!
Wouldn’t it be nice if The Lord just granted wishes like a genie?
See Lord the way my intolerance for pain is set up, being lazy and spoiled I don’t want to squat and lunge. So if you can just GIVE me a body like Anowa Adjahs. Or Buffie Carruth. Or anyone who spends enough time on themselves to value the treasure of the temple of the Holy Spirit God has given us.
Or that 26 room mansion with a pool in the back yard that gets covered by the landscape. And the rolls Royce, Lamborghini, and Range Rover in the garage.
Or that singing career when I hit some notes like a howling cat, and don’t know the difference between soprano, alto and tenor when singing. Smokes for thirteen years and my lungs are still healing. Yes I gotta work. Or my writing career. When I barely understand grammar rules and write many run on sentences because I was homeschooled then said forget that. I’ll just take a test for my GED at the age of almost nineteen after working too much. I mean any career that will open the door to the extravagant lifestyle that the fantasy world of my mind has become accustomed to. I don’t really like brands. I love gadgets!
Gimme gimme gimme.
But see the thing about me. I love to work for others. I am still learning how to believe in myself enough to put that same 145 hours in two weeks work ethic into myself.
There’s a scripture I came across and I had to ponder over it.
18 But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.
Deuteronomy 8:18 | NIV
That’s right. The Lord is giving something. But He is not necessarily putting the end result in my hands. He has given me a seed.
It’s called my gift.
So I met a man. We’re in love. We’re together. That’s our running joke because I’m so intense and when I want something I go hard for it! He tried to get me to tell his friends we weren’t but I assured him we are. We are in love. Maybe he doesn’t know it yet. But I feel it. I see it. How do I know I’m in love? I have never written a poem for a man I was not in love with. Not a poem about our love.
I wrote his poem in thirty seven minutes. 18 days after first making his acquaintance.
Yes we are in love. But that’s not the focus. The focus is this poem. This five minute masterpiece that was penned non stop in 37 minutes.
My gift is in my words.
My seed God has given me to plant.
The God who gives me the ability to make wealth.
See I don’t know if it’s in a book one might be interested in reading. Or a song someone might be interested in singing. Or prints on a shirt someone may be interested in wearing. Or a poem someone may be interested in hearing. All I know is words are my gift.
My gift will make room for me. The experiences that have backed up my gift. The wisdom I have learned as a result of the poor decisions I have made. The love I now choose to cherish because of all the hate that was sent my way. My life that knows the difference now. My words that can give an explanation of all those things. Is a seed.
See all I have to do is plant. Give attention. Time nurturing and care. I have to water. I have to prune. I have to keep my orchard free from pests like locusts, cankerworms, termites. You know the things that come to destroy the crop that the Lord has given me after I took the time to plant the seed He gave me.
You know. The people that have always been afraid to step out on their own gifts so they spend their lives living the dreams of others because it’s more comfortable to be someone who knows who they are than to try and figure out who they are, what their passion is and what they were placed on this earth to do.
You know the destiny killers.
So you. And i. This year.
If you followed my blog last year you knew it was about healing. I had to purge myself of all the negative experiences before The Lord could give me anything new. My soul had to be fertile like soil ready for this massive crop The Lord wants to lay. Couldn’t do that with the dead experiences that were producing maggots in my spirit.
So now I’m healing. Almost healed. Now I am listening to God. Now I am allowing love to light up my path and be a lamp to my runway so I can take flight. I mean what good is gifts of tongue and prophecy etc if I don’t have love?
I mean so much lack of love that I see a sister or brother and look the other way, and avoid even touching them when Pastor says touch your neighbor?
I mean why would God give seed to someone who can’t even follow the second commandment to love neighbor as self. And if you can’t love the brother you can see how can you love the God in heaven you can’t?
So. Crop overload!
If you’re ready to receive all that God has for you it’s going to take a little work. A lot of praying and a whole bunch of His word.
But God is faithful!
Never forget. He gives seed to the sower. Not wishes to the faithless. Because faith without works is dead.
We gotta put in work.
Do your part and watch God do the rest!
I can’t lie.
Well I can but no one has ever been important enough for me to really do that for. In my play girl days being silent was the best option, but my silence has been broken.
So. Me. Yes I.
I had always had this spoiled brat thing going on.
I don’t know why my mother felt the need to give me everything she wanted me to have I guess to compensate for me being the brown child from two bright light folk. You know folk was color struck back in my day. So I had gold rings and chains. Butter soft leathers.
I hated that stuff. Those things kept my mother away from me. Those things represented creating a facade to people who don’t matter. Not one of them was there when my mother took her last breath. Not one of them came into my life to soothe a hurting heart after I lost her. Impressing people that never meant a dimes worth of anything kept my mother away from me, our relationship strained, my ability to listen to someone in a position of authority difficult.
Yes. I was a spoiled brat!
To make matters worse being my fathers only daughter and second born gave me the privilege afforded the other grandchildren. Whenever I called and asked for sneakers I would get two hundred to go buy whatever shoes I wanted. Since we live in Chicago and all the other kids had Jordan’s I always had enough money to buy Jordan’s even if I never spent the money for them.
So here I am. I meet a man. Our running joke is about a man that spent over a thousand dollars for a coat for his lady friend. I tease him and say all I had to do was cuddle and I could’ve been in the running for fifteen hundred dollar coats. But my integrity. But I’m spoiled.
I only do what I want to do.
I did. Stuck in my stubborn ways.
Then I met my Savior. Not like in person. I’m speaking figuratively. But I began walking in the direction of the plans He has for me. I began to let His spirit lead me. If He said I could go out with someone by making my spirit feel easy and making the outing easy and clearing the path, I was free to move. But if he told em to stand still I have learned to be patient and wait on Him. See he said He knows the plans He has for me. Jeremiah 29:11. So I began to believe the word would be reality for me. And began to give of myself freely.
In giving one learns more about themselves. I learn that it’s not easy for me to give to those I don’t have a strong emotional connection to. But what if God felt that way about us. But He allows the sun and rain to come forth for the righteous and the unrighteous.
He’s no respect of person.
So when He tells me to do I have to do.
So a few months ago I was in my feelings because a person was presented to me. I thought I should have been interested because others were, but I wasn’t. I go where I want to go. I go 24 hours with no sleep. There is never a good excuse to not go out with someone I want to spend time with. But God. God was preparing that man for someone and preparing me for a man that would best suit me. I just needed to listen. See I had encountered too many men in one lifetime. They were merely a reflection of what God has always allowed me to choose for myself. A man that would spoil me rotten. A man that would give me everything my heart desires and make me lazy and laid back with no real drive to pursue what it is that God knew He formed me in the womb to do.
The enemy kept presenting me with the same man in a different package. The man that buys designer bags, gold jewelry, cars, material things that would only continue to create a longing in my spirit because the material things would never fill my spirit with the things God wants to place inside of me.
Then one ride.
Five + hours had us on the outskirts of Wisconsin. In that one ride with the man of my dreams my life changed. He began to fill my spirit with Gods word. He began to shut down my dreamy unrealistic notions by presenting me with the word of God. He motivates and pushes me to see the greatness that God placed in my life before He formed me. See he is not always willing to make things easy for me. Even though he can afford to sweep me and all my problems away. What good am I to the kingdom if I am never allowed to become the woman God created me to be because I keep getting spoiled by generous men.
That’s my story. That may not be the next woman’s. Some women never experience a generous, loving and doting man in an entire lifetime and their faithfulness to God deems them worthy of having a good man lavish his time, talents and treasure on her.
Be blessed and enjoy the blessing.
But as for me. This spoiled brat needs to work. Whenever God makes anything easy for me I never appreciate it. I need to sharpen the edges of my work ethic.
Can’t have a million dollar pay off with a minimum wage work ethic and the way you do one thing is the way you do everything!
So here I am in the year of movement as my Pastor has told us. And wow how things are moving. Only God knows where He wants to carry us. It’s never been good for us to compare one another but just enjoy what the Lord has for us individually.
I promise the maker of heaven and earth will not let you down if only you trust in him.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5, 6 | NIV