How does one learn to believe in themselves when no one else does?
I spent the last almost seven years mourning my mother that I almost forgot what hell she made my childhood and young adult life. I wasn’t always a good kid. She didn’t always know how to handle her frustrations well. She may have been who she was, but my reckless mouth was worse.
Thank God for the power of change trough the a high priest we have in the order of Melchizedek. Thank you Jesus.
He has forgiven. So I walk into my new life understanding there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
Anyway. Someone recently told me I am my own worst enemy. Quite possibly all my life nothing I ever did was good enough so I tended to focus on what comes easy.
Math was easy. School was easy.
But even my testing at high school levels was never good enough. Because as usual I could not get my self control under wraps and always had a check preventing me from getting on the honor roll. And as usual in the black family we focus on the negatives and not the positives.
Here I am an adult.
Not having gone to high school the foreign talk of my best friend went above my level of comprehension. She who had been in private boarding schools majority of her life was looking at ivy leagues like Harvard, Yale, University of Chicago and even Columbia in New York.
She chose Harvard.
I was working almost full time lying to all the department stores about having a GED. They never checked. I clocked in on that paper. I mean I felt it was time well spent.
Different worlds. Until one day. I met a man. He was married but he wanted to love me. I had to explain how I felt about being with married men one too many times in my life. I guess the one I fell for knew the only way he would get me is to lie about it. Such is life.
Anyway. I said no. He tried to remain my friend with the old I’m getting divorced story. Since he was twenty years older than I and not having any intimate connection with me to distract him, he told me what I needed to hear.
You’re too smart to not be in school. Go back.
I returned. Got my GED. Enrolled in my two year college the same month and was a Phi Theta Kappa member. Graduated with a 3.7 GPA.
Maybe all I needed was a push.
I have been writing all my life. Pages of poems lined hidden notebooks and fear consumed me as I was unable to share what I had with others. But that husband of mine. He hears the poem I wrote about our friendship, since it couldn’t be a love poem, we were never in love, and he encouraged me to share it.
That year I performed my first spoken word piece.
I got lost in the comfort and familiarity of sharing my gifts with others. Yes it was intimidating. There are so many poets much better than I. But why would I compare myself? The last time I did a piece. MReld, one of my favorite poets was in the audience. A def poetry jam poet. Woosah. Of course the talented Awthentik and Robin and Edot. Some of my personal favorites. But I’m me. I can’t compare. I had to be eight months pregnant about 285 pounds but I wanted, I needed to express myself, while my seed was within. I had to plant those seeds within her. But still why compare?
12 We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 13 We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God himself has assigned to us, a sphere that also includes you.
2 Corinthians 10:12-13 | NIV
I live by the word. It is the truth, the way and the light. It is the only time one can get set free.
So here I am embarking on the next level of my journey. I sing for play. I never allow others to hear my authentic singing voice. You can judge the one I self sabotage myself with because I know it sounds horrible. But if you judge the one I think sounds pretty decent there goes these five notebooks of songs. No one will ever hear them if I get some negative feedback. Oh well.
But after my most humiliating moment in howling like cats, and creating unharmonious falsettos and knowing how poorly I did being my own worst enemy, my guy texts me right at the moment. An essay of sorts. The support and love. God knew I needed the encouragement and my guy had no idea what was going on.
When I told him later he reminded me how proud he is of me. He let me know that I tried. I made a conscious decision to use my voice for God not caring how others perceive me. Doing Gods will is more important than being humiliated. I mean all that He has done for me. And these words of these songs will speak life to so many who are lifeless. Gods will be done.
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
Romans 12:1 | NIV
My life is not my own. I belong to my Savior who paid the ultimate price for my life.
So now I work. I’ve never sang. But maybe with a lesson or two. Maybe an open mic or two. Maybe work to become my best self. Mastery over self!
My gift is definitely not my voice but always has been my words. But if my talent can be worked on and enhanced to be mastered to the top quality it can become, it may never be my voice touching people but the words that will produce healing for their sordid emotional state.
But the support. But the encouragement.
So this is to all the people. Those who love me and support me with all my wild ideas. And crazy desires. Only God knows the plans He has for us all. Be patient, wait on and focus on Him. From the people He puts in our lives and those He removes. From the foundation he has laid and the path He gives us to walk.
Yes the times I have been afraid I have trusted in The Lord. I will continue to do so. See He has always been a mother and father to the mother and fatherless. He has our best interests in mind. So I will continue to believe.