They say mother instinct is natural.

If it is why in the world do new mothers cleave to older women when they have a child for the first time?

If it was really natural instincts mothers wouldn’t need advice from older women and they would be able to do it alone.

I was just telling someone how I played the dummy when I got pregnant. It was my sorrowful heart trying to figure out how I was going to live without the one person in the world who loved me. The hell we went through in my younger years caused our appreciation of each other in my adult years to exceed my expectations.

My mother.

My running joke was if I ever had a child, since my daughter was my first pregnancy, my mother would take the child for the first three years. Yes. I had no plans to be a mother. I was on a paper chase.

So here I am twenty eight about to embark on motherhood with a man I don’t want to be with because he was a rebound from a situation I had been in for almost two years. He would often joke about being boyfriend number two. He watched my interaction with my guy the night he met me at my birthday party. He chose me anyway.

So here I am trying to prepare to be a mother but not able to even deal with myself and the pain of my past.

Who was I supposed to run to? Who was supposed to help me know that I needed to put a coin on my baby’s outie to put it in place. Who was supposed to help me deal with my daughter during my deep post partum. I may act like a soldier but my heart was hurting.

At the time I didn’t know my Savior the way I do now.

So maybe a few dentist appointments got missed. Maybe I couldn’t be firm with the people who thought it was cute to give my daughter coffee with too much sugar because they wanted to make her too hyper to sleep knowing I had to get up at five in the morning.

I swear some of my family can be so cruel.

Maybe I didn’t let her go to preschool because a vast majority of inappropriate encounters happened in my preschool.

Maybe I just did not know that I should keeps snacks, and paper and things to keep her busy. When I watch others look at me with disdain because of what I don’t know instead of them giving me advice. So many people have opinions but lack the love to help others where they are weak.

That’s why I blog. Maybe my foolishness can help another person before they go through the same things.

So here I am understanding that the only way I can be successful with my daughter is with a multitude of counsel.

14 For lack of guidance a nation falls,but victory is won through many advisers.

Proverbs 11:14 | NIV

I may not have who I thought I would, or even who I thought I wanted. But God is a provider. He has given us more than enough and continues to show his heavy hand of provision in our lives. So who am I to complain.

Facts are facts are facts. But outlook and perspective is a choice.

We are blessed and although I may not have a natural maternal instinct I can always take a parents class or two. I think I shall. Because really now that my daughter is here in my life, I have to make sure I give her the best opportunities and live life for her success.

Yes. The selfish single life is over. I am now ready to live generously as a mother!


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