Its not always for me

So.

I knew God the Father. YHWH. Or English translated Jehovah. I knew Jesus. I never knew Holy Spirit.

So I started a job 2012. There was a man. He was not necessarily my type. But he had some words for me. He had a ride home for me from Niles, IL to 55th and Ashland. He had love for me. 

He was my homie.

We would talk for hours while at work via walkie talke, failing to allow the base to be able to get in contact with us often having to come across our computer screen asking us to clear our lines. But the voice of God resonated loud and clear. I learned the Holy Spirit is not a force like the wind as I had been miseducated to believe. 

John 16:13-15 13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. 15 All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.”

 He. He. He. is not a force like the wind. He had been depersonified. I once asked one of the ladies I studied with as an adult what does it mean to blaspheme the Holy Spirit. She could never find the answer, despite the fact she had been in that organization for over thirty years, and her husband was one of the elders.

Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. I began to talk to God myself, and asking Him to reveal himself to me. So when this man comes to explain the Holy Spirit to me I knew God wanted me to know Him fully, all parts of Him. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I mean wouldnt it make sense as to why those are the names we are baptized in. Three cant make one in the sense of it all. But God is not one of logic. His ways are not our ways, nor his thoughts our own. He just wants us to walk by faith and not by sight.

So. My guy friend and I get too friendly. Of course. I was still in my flesh and wondering about God but not willing to give up a few of my bad habits yet, because I had yet to develop a relationship with Him. And my friend loved God but wasnt ready to grow up yet, stuck in stagnation. Using grace and mercy, unyielding.

We lost our drive for a desire to put God first. We began to focus on each other and somewhere in the middle of it all we stopped giving God the glory He was due consumed by illegitimately consumated bonds.

Lord! We need you Lord.

And what happens is what always happens anytime I put anything before God.

I lost him. I lost my friend. In melees that included draggings from cars, jumping on backs, ugly words as the rain washed whatever love we had for each other down into the drains.

But time heals all wounds. God forgives so we learn to accept His forgiveness and give it to those who have once offended. 

These days I ask God to show me what He wants me to do with people, and who He wants them to be in my life. I cannot date anyone because I am enjoying life after healing. My closed wounds are still tender to the touch and I just dont want to go back there. 

So my friend comes back. Talks of what if God wanted me to be his wife. What ifs, line possibilities that I can no longer see because I grew while he was standing still. It seems to be like that. But letting go works like that. If the other person grows into what they are supposed to be doing then weve grown seperately into a place where we can pick up where we left off, but if the same drama of three years ago is what we are still dealing with then that person kept going in circles cycles on repeat.

I’m sorry. I been scrubbing my dirty laundry. A few things still left with residue but I am still cleaning, allowing Gods Holy Spirit to lead me out of the darkness that once overtook me. The dark interactions with dark people.

So. Dude called me friday. I wwas about to have him meet me in the area I was until I noticed a revival going on and told him I was going in. He could too if the Spirit of God led him. He did.

See maybe my assignment isnt to be making friends into boyfriends, and fiancees, and hubbys. Maybe my only assignment is to show some men that enter my life where they can find the freedom I have been blessed to attain. 

And if that is the case, I love my friends dearly. I am patiently waiting on God to show me who is for me and enjoying my singleness because it is a gift!

See. I’ve had a few men claim, and even believe they wanted to marry me. If I didnt feel God in the situation, and knew that was where I was supposed to be I believed the signs showed to me and waited. See not every man is going to know how to handle me, as I am not going to know how to handle every man. And what good is trying to develop into ones best self in terse and tense situations.

Yes. I develop friendships. I am an encourager. I motivate. I show love. I am a ball of love and light when dark people are not in my life. Like I told one man, maybe I am not there to be there for the long haul but maybe just to teach you a few things to carry on to the next woman to be a better man for the next woman. If that is the case it is so. I do so with love all the while giving my all!

So every interaction is not supposed to be acted on. Every door should be closed, and situations should be finished before opening the door to a new one.

I mean friendships are a blessing! Only God knows and will show us what they are to become!!

Violent take it by force

I’m finishing my workout.

The last few steps of the four mile walk/run I’m on. 

And the violent take it by force comes into my earbuds! 

I love the anointing on this singers life because it’s a radical praise! I’m radical. My Mohawk and graffiti on the sides of my head days are not so long ago.

Just last night though.

I was at a revival. He worshipper in front of me was going after God like never before! It was a violent praise. As the prophet was speaking abor David all I could hear my spirit say was that, “I will make an even bigger fool of myself than this!” 

Yes. Like King David. My dancing before The Lord is for the praise that His word says He inhabits of His people!

Psalms 22:3

Of course David knew about that life: that’s why he wrote about that life.

And that’s why his praise was a violent one.

Yes. The violent take it by force.

But the weapons of our warfare are not carnal.

2 Corinthians 10:4

Because how could the weapons of our warfare be carnal, as in of the flesh if what we wrestle with is not flesh and blood?

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Yes heaven has levels. It’s levels to this! 

2 Corinthians 12:2-4  I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught upto the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell.

What? Word?!? I was lied to for 32 years. I knew why I never wanted to live in paradise because my spirit was telling me there is no scriptural base for paradise being on earth before I ever even read it.

But I had to go after God for myself. I had to stop trusting fallible man. I had to ask the Holy Spirit to show me, reveal to me. And God showed me His word is alive!

So.

One of the lines in the poem I just stepped back on the open mic scene with says. 

The word says the Son is the radiance of Gods glory. That’s why the enemy came to change my name and rewrite my story!

Yes. I get it. They called me Rae-Rae! How could I shed the light of Radiance for Gods glory, and raised in darkness if I was being called by another name?

Lil Rae-Rae. The Jehovah’s Witness. Crazy Rae-Rae leaving darkness and never having been allowed to develop a relationship with my non Jehovah’s Witness family didn’t know how to find the light.

So crazy found me.

Violence was already inside of me. They called my daddy Moses because he toted a bible in one hand most nights and a stick in his hands during the day. He would beat a dude down with that stick!! Lol

I’ll never forget the day the violence was about to overtake me. The man who abused me allowed his girlfriend to snake me attack me from behind because the year before I pressed them domestic charges.

As I was down trying to get up. I held onto that girl so hard I ripped her sleeve in half, not even at the seam!

Because as soon as I got up with all the red I was seeing the only thing that was playing in my head was Snoops ‘murder was he case’! 

I wouldn’t have been talking about God from that jail cell: my new story would’ve been murder she wrote with no West Indian whine gyal whine to go along with it!! Lol

But as the officers dude called to the scene to lie on me and try to put domestic charges on me when I never placed a finger on him grabbed me cuffed me and sent me to Harrison and Kedzie with pepper spray from the girlfriend burning my eyes, I couldn’t see what a blessing that was!

But no one is going back there to be angry or live in misery! It’s over!! I am thankful for the trials and tests because it all led me to my purpose filled life walking with Christ!

18-19. “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. (Isaiah 43:18-19 MSG)

I want a life filled with love. The love of Christ is not partial. It was given freely to all. Sinners we all are!

So yes. The violent take it by force! I want it all back!! My praise my worship will move my God to do it for me and for those who believe He is who He says He is and not who man created Him to be! 

Maybe I’ll hear him sing this live today! And if so! To God be the glory!! 

The Foolish things always confound the wise

I was headed on my way to living out my dreams. 

Watching the tide wash over the beaches of sunny California I Knew I wanted to stay there forever.

I just didnt know what school I wanted to attend. 

But we visited all the major schools. 10 days, 7 cities I believe. Its been awhile and bad habits of old have short term memory in dire need for restoration. School tours of PhD programs for us being called McNair Scholars. 

We went to Stanford, UC Santa Cruz. Do you understand how epic that was? For me to be in the building wheree Angela Davis office was? I mean I once wrote. 

“Forget that! Wheres the revolution/Cause I’m like Assata runnin/no need to but willing /to bust my gun and/The fighter in me will fight for some ordinary mess/But For freedom, Ill be a black panther power to the people type chick”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Just like Ms. Davis!

I knew I wanted to teach my people. I just didnt know what. But I was tired of the same ole. The disenfranchisement. The nihilistic attitudes. The fact that we so caught up in Michael Kors, Louis V I mean I dont really know too many names. Im not a brand whore. But we so caught up in designer labels to brag that we can’t open and own our own companies.

The 71 year old man that rode with me the other day spoke of a time where all the gas stations and mom and pop stores in our communities were owned by people of color. But when we stopped supporting each other and doing this house negro, field negro commpetition thing everything fell apart.

So. Here I am. Wanting to educate, but knowing nothing.

I dont tell many so here it is now. I had no formal education from the age of 14-20. God let life school me. Thats why I dont quibble and argue with people about their beliefs. God took care of me. He taught me. He guided me. He sent people in my life and by moving under the unction of the Holy Spirit and being obedient they enriched my life.

See the best friend I chose after first moving to Boston was the one girl no one liked nor wanted to befriend. Her hair was a meess all the time. Her underarms were rank. I would smell her after she went to the bathroom. But I loved her. And when I felt that gentle tug in my spirit, a nudge to help her i did. We talked about drinking more water and carrying deodorant around. We talked about washing the body more when you have a more rotund backside, and honey chile. I relaxed the mess out of them edges! I gave her style tips. Her family was from Montserret and I gave her a lil CHitown swag!

In return, she would give me notes andd quotes from her lessons with Doctor Cornell West. She would invite me to class with her, but my own fear kept me immobilized. She schooled me. Not surprising shes a teacher toting degrees from Harvard and two Masters. 

Then my first love sharing his love of literature. We read their eyes were watching God together. We discussed. We took silver ink to black paper and created a flow that synced us together beyond our physical boundaries. We were mentally connected. Thats why 16 years later we still friends.

Then the man who I chose to remain friends with even though I never felt we should act on his attraction telling me I was too intelligent. I was supposed to be in school. Not just working. God led him into my life because after that I decided to take my GED and went straight into junior college. My punctuations may not be so strong but two semesters of English is hard to teach someone who had all that time off between Elementary School and such. I know its an excuse. Im getting rid of lazy this year.

So no. I dont argue with people about what they think they know. God been teaching me all my life. So much so, I left my junior college with a 3.7 GPA. Got A plusses on most of my English papers, and got accepted to UIC where I was introduced to the McNair program that paid me to travel and research and write. Lengthy twenty page papers, and public presentations in front of faculty, students from all over and staff, had little me hood chick from the Chi and Bostons Roxbury kinda nervous and shook. The non formal education shouldve meant I was never supposed to be there. But..

That was none of me. The God that sent His Holy Spirit to lead me. To guide me and teach me!

He only speaks what the Father tells Him through Jesus.

John 12:49  For I do not speak of myself, but from the Father who sent me and commanded me what I should say and what I should speak. John 16:13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

And thats why people who delight in glorifying themselves and the knowledge they believe places them above others is not to be trusted. I dont want to be right. I want God to mke things right in your life. Pray for the Holy Spirit to come. Know there are some things you might have to give up as He will not dwell in an unclean temple. Andd since Jesus says if you love him you will keep his commands, its no surprise why so many seek knowledge outside of God.

But its all for the Glory of God!

He said, 1 Corinthians 1:27-29 27but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 28and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, 29so that no man may boast before God. 

What good is knowledge with no wisdom to apply the knowledge. If you know something and dont know what to do with it what is its purpose. To make you sound good? Look good in the eyes of man?

If all things are to bring Him glory how can we boast and say we did it and take away his credit.

Because I write for days. Chapters line books. Poems run over ten minutes. Metaphors and similes. He gave me this gift. 

Yes. Beyonce schooled life, and God let life school me. Just a GED and an associates degree. I mean I got kicked outta UIC for goodness sake. (Lack of support with a new baby, and emotional tidal waves had my desire for success turned down, but I digress) See that was never relevant to God. He just wanted me to say God did it.

So, when, WHEN, i get the support to go back and get what belongs to me, bachelor degrees, Masters and PhDs it will only be to move in the circles where those things are required to validate me, but I know whos really going to graduate me!

And I’ll say God did it, Because He did!

who will get this?

Sometimes…

things get lost in translation.

thats why i question.

then let God answer

sometimes..

we dont need a reason.

thats why i keep moving.

God pushes me to places i would never think to go

sometimes…

things get too deep and sometimes we get lost.

but i continue to live.

sometimes, there are too many times and no one gets it so you stop trying to explain.

God teaches the humble, those willing to listen and hear not those unwilling to stop speaking on what they think they know, but those willing to let still quiet places be the spaces where God can move and reveal his secret and deep things that most cant seem to understand because his ways and thoughts are not like our own.

But God knows the heart of man.

And for every death a new one is born, life must go on. 

the end.

Happy Belated to me. And so I live

I turned 34 years old on Friday!

I hoped the man I been praying would get it together for almost two years would be the first one to say happy birthday. He didn’t, but I said in my mind days earlier the first person to wish me a happy birthday was going to be special. 

A special person for this special season.

A season where past meets future and a new me turns down turning up to make the right turn for life.

Me: the woman so used to the turn up. Used to bouncin off walls unable to stand just barely containing her liquor was sober as a turtle. 

But I was high off the power of words and powerful deliveries.

Man I’ll take an intelligent man, with a passion for bettering society than someone with a narcissistic complex, selfishly interested in bragging and showboating!

Yeah, nah!

Don’t let a pretty, somewhat youthful, restored by The Lord type of face get you fooled. I can go deep.

How far down the rabbit hole you wanna go. I never been one for the miseducation of society.

I’ll read my own books and write my own curriculum.

Anyway. Happy belated birthday to me!

I did exactly what I wanted to do. In a beautiful space of love and laughter freedom to produce and create. I stood on the floor being given the opportunity to express my art form which I hadn’t done since I was nine months pregnant with my daughter. Right? Pregnant? Nine months no less.

The same poem I performed for my mother on her death bed as she clapped her hands *chop chop* and demanded I perform. Yes the piece is about 8 years old. But I guess it can be revamped and revised along the way to become relevant to my truth for today.

Resurrection. I named it that. I truly feel I have been resurrected. From the pain that caused the more important parts of me to die. 

Jesus did it. God our Father sent him, and since Jesus being the author knows the plans for me, he knew exactly when I would and what I would need to get me back on track after falling off!

Yes. My momma asked me to show her I could do more with my life than drinking and smoking it away.

Maybe I have a gift. Maybe I have a way with words. Maybe my words can change one person. And that one person can impact another person. And maybe like a trail of seeds across a lawn in springtime the good fertile soil will produce bunches of flowers that will be used to make someone’s environment more beautiful than it was.

 Glory to God. I was a big mess. I’m not as big a mess. But regardless what you call the Almighty., our Father, Yahweh, YHWH, or Jehovah. Or if you call Jesus or Yeshua. Tomato, tomato. Get what God has to offer you! Let the Holy Spirit lead you in all understanding teaching you. And guiding you. 

For the first time in my life I know joy. I know happiness. I’m not just waiting for this life thing to be over with. no desires to go outside as do anything Besides live to die. Drinking until I lose consciousness. Smoking substances that cause me to forget who I am, my purpose and my dreams.

No, now. I live. Abundantly. I go when asked to go out. I converse with friends. I encourage and accept encouragement. And I share my art with other artists.

See life has always been glass half full. I just never had unblinded eyes willing to see that.

Not who I used to be

The worst thing about being a motherless child is the fact there where a mothers love constantly supports and motivates, people come into her life who do the opposite.

They have no motivation and no encouragement and speak their truth about a person. 

Now this person being lied to about who they really are tend to believe it as truth because it really just Lines up with how the person really wants to treat them.

I mean people wouldn’t treat me as if I were a bad person if I were good right?

Wrong.

Some people never accept their flaws and their imperfections so it just becomes easier to point out the failings in another as opposed to working and making their own selves better.

These days I’m content with me. So if you want to be a fool I hope you’re the happiest fool you can be. If you want to be a liar I hope you’re the happiest liar you can be. If you want to be a back biter I won’t call you on it.

See I’ve I I been assigned to love and pray for you! 

So I will. Without ceasing and I do faithfully believing the same bondage my Father delivered from me He will deliver you from it too.

I don’t have time to constantly carry mirrors. Showing people who they are. When they want to see they will ask God like I did. Reveal who I am to me. Won’t he do it. 

I mean I started getting scriptures on humility, rebelliousness etc. I would go further in depth. But some people use my words from my blogs to try and tell me who I am. When I only write about the things I have overcome. I know who I used to be.

And the devil is the only person constantly accusing the brethren of who they use to be.

I can see clearly. New eyes gives sight to the formerly blind.

So. Someone said I live in victim mode. I thought that was funny. I talk about my past. It’s the things that I have overcome that give me strength.  I rarely talk about the battles I am facing!

I have to use my life to glorify the God that has given it to me in this new way to live more abundantly. 

Sorry my overcoming traumatizations lead you to believe I live in the state or victimization. 

A man I spent 2006 talking to daily. For hours daily told me how strong he always saw me. And I hadn’t even been through half of what the last seven years have brought me. 

So. This year is about finding self. Finding out who God created me to be. Who He had said I am and not who the enemy is constantly using people to say I am.

Yes I am victorious! I could’ve chosen darker paths, but I chose light and life over death and darkness.

I still let the dead bury the dead, and those who love to live in the past with Lots wife. 

If you’re talking about who I used to be and looking for me in the past wishing you the best. I don’t live there anymore. I am not her anymore.

So looking forward to looking towards the present. Looking towards my purpose and living out my destiny. 

Celebrating with imperfect people who are blessed to know that in their imperfections is when Jesus comes in to fill every gap that was ever made!

To God be all the Glory!!

Forgiving

I am opening the door to so many from my past these days.

I mean my job is to show the love of Christ. How can I reflect the light of God in my everyday interactions if I’ve shut certain people out who only knew me before God cleansed me from my mess. 

How can they witness the evidence of His goodness and His glory if I am hidden away enjoying all this goodness with others who are saved and live life to please God?

So yes I’m forgiving. Some have done some awful things. Interacting with hateful people who do hurtful things makes one carry bitterness like a white flag waving it in surrender. Like I give in to the hurt.

Not for me anymore.

I gave my hurt to God and am becoming the woman He created me to be. 

How can I be Radiance if I live life to be a dark bulb.

So here I am. In the flow of forgiving!

But a quick reminder. Jesus forgave Peter. He knew His heart. And afterwards he allowed Peter to write his books. But Judas. Judas was known to be who he was before he even did it. There was no coming back for Judas. He got no more mentions.

That’s how life is though. Some people are supposed to come back and some are never supposed to come back. Some people have been your enemy from the beginning. Some people just get caught up in the situation and what others are saying and doing. 

So yes. Forgive. But know who is long term and who is meant to be replaced.

I ask God to show me. Send me. And He does. 

Pray to your Father. He is an answerer of prayers!

Minding my own

It’s been so easy to pay attention to anything else when I didn’t want to focus on my mess.

I made a clever quote about garbage and mess but I’ve forgotten it now.

I think I’m so smart.

No. I really don’t. Others have thought it of me. Now I understand with no formal education higher than eighth grade before entering college it was my father. The one that sits on heaven. He gave me his wisdom. Sometimes I’m right when I don’t even care to be. Now it’s all for the glory of God. But now. I only give what’s been asked of me.

Most people don’t want answers. They really just want an ear to vent. When I have time I lend it. Other times I’m taking care of my business.

When I get quiet time to reflect I get rid of confusion. No need to wonder if what I want is really xyz. I know for sure. I’ve finally found me in the quiet of my storm to say yes. I know who I am and what I want.

So. I mind my own. 

What a joy and so much freedom it is in minding my own business.

To each his own. 

How simply wonderful that statement truly is!