I woulda never chosen y’all anyway

So here comes dude from my past that I thought I wanted to choose me. Thank God He didn’t. I ride.  I am loyal with no title. Can you imagine how hard I’m about to go for my man?!?

That’s what all these exes seeing me in what they believe is a vulnerable state keep reminding me.

“Man, Rae-Rae you go hard. You love hard. You a good woman. You a trophy. If I had that chance again I’d be marrying you.” 

Yeah whatever. I don’t believe the lies of liars.

Anyway. Obviously this ex is reading my blogs and see the turmoil of my relationship. 


He wants to rub in my face the fact that I didn’t choose him. But when he had the chance to choose me he chose otherwise. 

So I wouldn’t choose him again and again. Why would I ever choose someone that won’t choose me? 

So he gloating. But really the last laugh is on him. Everyone knows that the better the woman the more she can and will push the man to his highest heights. And that’s why I expect a man to treat me as I deserve. Total respect. I want to laugh and smile and feel good because I know I go above and beyond for a man I love. 

Now I’m patiently waiting on the man that will be my husband.

Waiting. Maybe not so patiently.

So. I’m guessing they are wondering why I wouldn’t have chosen them.

I told one of them. I wouldn’t care if my man was addicted to dope, crack, leaf or pills. I wouldn’t care if he was a closet homo-bi-sexual. I wouldn’t care if he had ten kids. Eight baby mommas. I wouldn’t care if he was a felon and couldn’t get a job. 

See those are things. I am not the type to let the devil lie and tell me and anybody I love that our desires are who we are. 

No Ephesians keeps reminding us that we don’t wrestle with flesh and blood. But the spirits that we are introduced to.

Spirits of lust. That create addictions to things that are no good for us. But the King. Jesus. Our high priest that goes to the Father on our behalf seated at his right hand. Who prays for us because he knows what temptations are known to man because He became flesh in order to be the living sacrifice we needed to approach the throne of grace.

Yes. These spirits when brought to the King must bow in subjection and just like he sent legions of demons from crazy people into the swine, he removes the spirits that we wrestle with. 

If only we come to him.

So people are not their desires.

I saw my man search high and low to give money to an obvious drug addict. I’ve had other men laugh at them and call them hypes. But the only reason why that ex, who just stopped smoking weed to he this new job after he failed the last drop at the job I now have, didn’t end up like the man is because the mercy and grace of God.

I saw other exes treating the people that love them like crap.

I see other exes choosing to humiliate others in front of everyone. 

And still others selfishly pursuing their own desires with no concern about how it affects them or their children.

So. I’m so thankful I never chose those other men. Even if this relationship doesn’t work. I still wouldn’t go back to my past I left behind for a reason. 

It’s always been about the heart, and since what’s in theirs isn’t appealing to me I let them go. 

Thanks but no thanks. Y’all all on the block list. It’s been great. Holla back never!!


The Dilemma

So. I been calling my man all night. No response. This is not like him. But he also just let his baby momma stay with him because she supposedly has some business to take care of in chicago and dont nobody else want to be bothered with her stabbing baby daddy’s, fighting everybody like crazy behind. 

I aint mad at a man looking out for his family. The Lord will let me know if he is not for me. 

We both praying. If this is not for us remove it Lord! But I wont let no man or woman stop what God is putting in place not again.

See the struggle in choosing this man is the same struggle it was two years ago.

He a friend of my baby daddy.

I just want see where God wants to take this.

In being a part of my baby daddy’s circle he has heard all about me.

yes. The crazy one. The one that caused my daughters father to lose everything. The one being dragged in the streets. 

Laughing with my man like bae, you know how that bunker feel in the holding cell.

Unfortunately I do. Thanks to my baby daddy.

Back in them days, I was quick to get revenge. 

he sent me to jail. HE was not supposed to be having contact with me. I was facing the lies of my daughters father, the police officer I teed off when I asked for his badge number, and a whole group of people. I don’t need an army. I’m a one woman show. I wouldve fought that whole crowd by myself. I ain’t never been scared. I just got caught off guard from behind and lost my footing. 

Now I’m still struggling to get up.

anyway. I digress. 

Anyway. I had to get a lawyer. They were trying to put domestic battery on my record. I want to be a nurse. I told my lawyer about the fact that the man had been violating his order of protection anyway. My lawyer was quick to jump on that. You know. Lawyers fight fire with fire in order to get their win, and my daughters father went to jail. Even though he was bailed out after a day or two a shorter time than when I sent him to jail for the last time he put his hands on me he lost his job.

how a man lose his job for being in jail for two days but they gave him his job back after being locked up for two weeks. 

Because he and his cronies were lying on me and trying to destroy me.

I tell you about this God I serve. Constantly fighting for me. He says touch not my anointed, nor my prophet. he explained who is prophet was when talking to Miriam before giving her leprosy. He said at Numbers 12:6, 6 he said, “Listen to my words:

“When there is a prophet among you,
I, the Lord, reveal myself to them in visions,
I speak to them in dreams. 

So a year and a half ago. I was having all these dreams about my friend. I knew how powerful his anointing was because everytime i worshipped on the altar next to him i would feel the power of God. Then the Lord started to speak to me about him in dreams. 


So. My friend had all his locs cut off. But that happened a whole year later than the dream i dreamed. But so many people were praying for us to be seperated. I know how to be a friend to a man that is only supposed to be my friend. I dont care how strong the attraction is. I once sent a married man home. After the year of lies, and my six months of recovery from being addicted to him. But I don’t want anything thats not mine. The turmoil you go through trying to hold onto what God has in place for another person can be emotionally and mentally damaging! 
Anyway. Back to the no response from my man. My man who is my ex’s homie. My ex who had me locked up on lies while my baby was still nursing. Caused me to lose over $3,000 that year trying to pay to clear my name. I wasnt saved yet, so I didnt know how to call on Jesus, but he still made a way.

So the hood, trying to make me out to be something I’m not. A crazy chick because of what that man took me through. But I havent heard from my man all night. I have a key to his apartment. Its not hard to get through the front door of the building. I could politely put my CTA uniform on and go to start some mess knowing that any confrontation concerning me in uniform would get the other person locked up before it would me, but no more.

I been to see the King. The mind regulating king. Where I once was prescribed medicine to battle deprpession I am full of joy. Where I once smoked blunts daily filled with weed from sunup to sundown, I turn down my sins to turn up for God. Where I once drank like a fish, throwing up praying to porcelain Gods, please please let this be over I enjoy sober life drunk off the power of God. Where I once used my body to keep men in subjection to me I work hard to contain my flesh. And like my man did on Sunday when he came to church with me, I bring them to the King! thats who they should only be in subjection to. 

Sorry you can’t have none. I don’t do ho no mo. lol

Get it from the ones thats really about that life. You know them by the count of baby daddies, and the homes they stay trying to wreck because their lives are filled with misery. But it can all be alleviated by going to the king. I submitted to Christ. I have fallen. I will rise again. Because My God says he is married to the backslider.

So. Do I stay or Go. I leave that all in Gods hand. In his timing truth shall be revealed. And I pray every day that his will be done.

No. I’m not the crazy chick I was once depicted to be. My daughters father life could have been so much better had he let go of his petite Monticello chick. The one his sister said when he got around her he would alwayslose  everything. The one his sister said that he wouldnt even wash his behind when he got with her. I was making him a better man until she came back into the picture. A man is always the sum of the woman he chooses.

Some women live to scheme and scam the system constantly in and out of jail, the court systems, and running through different men for a come up. Then some women work to provide a better life for their children. You know a Proverbs 31 woman. verse 11. her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life. 12. she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 16. she goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17. She is energetic and strong a hard worker. 20. she extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. 25. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 26. When she speaks her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. 30. Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. 

Thats right. I dont need to live with my man. I want to buy a home for my family. Working towards a better life. I dont need to charm and decieve and manipulate a man with my child to get him to do what I want him to do to try and thwart the plans of his life. I fear the Lord. I know He will fight all my battles. 

Touch not his anointed or his prophet. 

I am working on kindness. So every story should not be believed, and every person can’t be trusted. I am walking on the path that God has placed me on. Whomever that includes is awesome. I let Him choose for me. 

I guess my dilemma isnt really as big a dilemma as I thought it was. 

God got it!

Ask. Ask Again!

So. I have a new job.

Its not exactly new. Its been in the works for awhile, but now I am getting comfortable with my assignment to talk about my job.

Yes. It is as most of my jobs have been an assignment. I get to be a tool used by God by speaking to and showing love to his people in a dismal world where very little people show empathy and compassion.

I was a CNA before I started driving Public transportation in the city of Chicago. And because I have a heart for people the young men who no one else wanted to deal with because of the diseases they had that no one else wanted to catch it seemed as if God placed me in their path.

I served. I showed love, empathy and concern.

I have been elevated.

So at work a young girl gets on my bus. Shes ready to give me attitude because she doesnt have her fare. My job however, is to let her know her fare is $2.25. So I do. She says, well I dont have it. I dont want to ask anyone else for it. I ask her why not. I let her know there is nothing wrong with asking.

Break down those barriers of pride. Whats wrong with a simple question.

Like me. Just last week. Someone in my facebook timeline was talking about jerk tacos. Word? I’m about to be off my vegan diet and some jerk tacos for a greedy greedikins such as myself sounds like it is right up my alley. And its on my side of town. West side. All day! West side crazy. 

Probably padded room crazy like my friend joked and said, but the blood of Jesus helps regulate my mind. I dont respond to crazy rae rae anymore. I am simply Radiance J. Jua’Donna. Or better still Ms. Woodruff. If you really want to get fancy call me Jua’Donna Rae.

Anyway. I am trying to find out where to get the tacos from. I get snubbed. Probably something to do with the fact the person I was asking likes to create a fairy tale of women wanting him. Trust me. When I want, I go for. I get what I want. In Jesus name. I pray. There is no way I could have and would want a man who likes to send pictures to women of themselves in their red draws when I never asked anything about what his body looks like under his clothes. I am not attracted to larger men, that was definitely not my cup of tea.

I’m sippin though. But I checked him. It got regulated. I just wanted to know where to get the tacos from. 

Oh well. Ive been ignored. I’m okay with that. We west side all day. Let me talk to my friends. I know someone knows where to find the tacos at. So I find out. Tacos can be found on Pulaski and Jackson. Yo. My stompin grounds for real. We used to be on Pulaski and Madison all day for gold, girbauds, tops and bottoms. Hood fly. I grew up on Jackson and Laramie a mile away. That was easy.

But being slighted. Why do people who dont get enough of being humiliated feel the need to humiliate others. Pride comes before the fall, and boy am I thankful that a little humiliation helps keep me humble. Because really who likes to be snubbed? I mean for real, what did I do to dude?

Everyone’s palate accomodates different tastes, and he just happened to not be mine. I am alright with that, and enjoy the love that he has that has come as a result of me not choosing something I definitely was not going to want and keep, and was going to make cry like I have done so many.

I’m working on changing now. 

So the young woman. She asked. Someone gave her fare to get on the bus. I told her. There will be times in life where people will ignore your pleas. Some people will give what you ask for some will not. keep asking anyway. Never stop asking. You never know who has a blessing to give you. 

See I saw the favor on her life mandates that people respond favorably to her requests and are blessed as a result. 

So keep on asking. Doors will be open when we ask, and walk in humility. Never stop asking because one person doesnt give you an answer to a simple question. I mean what harm is it really?

We will only ever know and understand because we ask.

The Past be callin, I be dippin out tho

So. about last Friday. I saw a man. Blue, green eyes that turn hazel too. 

He said he had been looking for me. 

He wasted no time making things official.

If you dont know me by now. Yes. I am Radiance J. I been moving fast all my life. I dont like moving slow.

Besides Pastor been preaching about suddenly for awhile now anyway.

But when things move at a certain pace you get to savor the journey of it all. 

Live to love the journey.

So. Call one comes through my phone the next day, a text really. Asking me to call him. For what? The way he left me he deserves no love, but I am a child of God I give love anyway. Anyway he wants to see me. For what I cant imagine. He began talking about our chemistry being gone. He started talking about trying to see if he had made the right decision. I ignored the texts coming through rapidly. Then finally when i arrived to my destination I decided to text him with a message to stay blessed.

Thats when the barrage hit. He started saying he knew I thought about him. But I dont think about people that purposely hurt me. People that are so selfishly inclined to do their own thing that they miss out on the blessing of being a blessing to someone else. He started to apologize for who he had been to me. I dont want to accept any apologies. I want people to be exactly who they are. So to get him away from my phone texting it like crazy I told him to stop texting me so late at night before he wakes up bae.

Poof the magic dragon was gone, because thats the only one who sent him in the first place. 

So then here comes the next one. He calls me. He drives right past me and keeps going where he is going. Im like man I been holding it down, hoping this dude get it together to get with me. I loved him so much. But he rode past and kept on going and sent me a text on Monday, about a woman having a beautiful personality, the funny girl that left the man wanting a second chance in tears begging.

Umm hmmm.

Dont it always seem to go that you dont know what you got til its gone. 

I wondered via text if he loved me, because why else would he be sending me messages like that. He said he did, but in his Jasmine Sullivan voice, just cause I love you and you love me it doesnt mean that we’re meant to be.

Well why you bothering me then??

And then, this ex, and baby daddy sending me nice nasty messages the day before mothers day knowing I’m already going through enough. And this guy and the next.

Im like why all this controversy when I am about to get in my first relationship in more than three years.

Because your past never truly wants to let you go when they are not happy themselves. They want to play and play and never do things the right way. 

I had a dream once. I was wading in the water but I had on some arm floating devices and everyone on shore was screaming at me not to wade too deep. But all I kept thinking was I am covered. I have my safety net.

I am covered by the ransom and blood of my Lord and Savior. I dont have to fear what my future has for me. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love God.

Yes we love God. My favorite song, Tsunami by Res says, “Ride, ride this wave of mine. Theres brighter things out on the other side.” The other side.

I’ll get lost then found in shades on blue, green and brown as they look at me like they are actually interested in seeing me, when they are interested in seeing me. But the actions. The ways in which he has shown me. I will never brag, because nothing is unfallible. But I will definitely enjoy seeing how a man truly feels when he actually wants to pursue something real.

So to the past. They be calling, I be dippin though. Make it sweet like candy. For those dipsticks. Its pretty messed up when you lose a good woman, who had all her attention and love your way but instead of making her feel deserving of a queen title the man makes her feel like a pauper in order to boost his self esteem to feel like the king he knows he is not worthy of being called just yet.

So dont be surprised if you call and my phone go straight to voicemail. I cant promise I will get back with you, but I do promise looking forward and not looking back like Lots wife will keep me from being stuck, on stupid, the past, anything that isnt for my good in the long run!

Safety in numbers

So I’m hanging out with my extended family for pre memorial day festivities.

Its a first for me because its hard to trust a man I am dating around women because of all the women I have allowed into my circle who have done their dirt behind my back.

But we happen to all be there. My guy. My lil sister, her aunt and we are talking.

My sisters aunt happens to be talking about the AIDS epidemic in the Chicagoland area. She would know shes a nurses aide in the hospitals, so I can only imagine how much she has seen in the past few years.

She said for the first date people need to start going to the clinic then going somewhere else because no matter how long you have known a person you will never know whats going on inside their bodies.

I know about that life. 

I had a boyfriend. Thats what his game plan and agenda was. We would go together every three months. 

Everyone is not going to wait until marriage. So for those who are letting their flesh make decisions for them, get checked. Really you cannot trust anyone.

I had a childhood friend.

None of the other children liked to play at her house, and me being a sucker for the underdog and loving the people that no one else wanted to deal with I drew her in and got close to her.

I thought maybe they didnt like her because she was so pretty with a perfect shape, almond shaped eyes and long thick flowing jet black hair. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that she gave the boys options to choose her over the girlfriends they already had.

Yes. She was one of the boyfriend stealing friends. She did it to others. She did it to me. But thats not why they didnt want to go over her house.

Her mother had AIDS.

Her mother had only ever been with her father. Her father went out found a prostitute or two or three. Whatever. He stepped outside the home and brought back his wife a new baby and a disease that wouldnt go away. HIV. Whoa.

That had me like scared straight throughout my life. I might have had some wild nights, but I was rarely reckless. I was always holding onto that nagging feeling of a husband bringing his wife home a disease, so surely a man that had no ties or love for me would do the same.

Thats why abstinence is fairly easy for me. I love the Lord and even though fornication is a sin against myself I want to please him sure. But my flesh is weak, and when it gets weak I am reminded. I have a daughter to raise and I don’t want to have her being shunned because I have something that won’t go away. 

I get tested regularly.

Then you hear of the stories of people who purposely want to give the disease to others because they have it, and people want to be reckless out in these streets. They dont want to settle in with one person. And sometimes they get involved with someone sexually without first finding out their status.

The world is falling apart around us in shambles, and because of our irresponsibility we allow it to.

So. I know I should be preaching. Sometimes people need to have a friend before they have a pastor/evangelist. They need someone to remind them of everyday consequences before they remind them of salvation. Its hard to get to God when you’re carrying the weight of the world everyday, because those anchors weigh heavy heavy.

Anyway. Everybody. Go get tested. You dont know who got what. You dont know your status youre a threat to your own self because more and more people are living longer lives anyway. But the more you know.

I would never want anyone to feel like I am talking about them or their partners. The facts remain, promiscuity breeds passions that can lead to doors that may never be shut, at least know what you are dealing with. Know what you have because some packages are best left unshared.

Bad Blood


I got this here Taylor Swift song on repeat. 

Bad Blood.

I tell you about exes. 

I was single when I added them to my page. But really. I just wanted them to see what walking with Jesus has done for my life. 

They knew me to be whomever they thought me to be, or whatever memories they have of me, but now as they watch what the Lord is doing in my life I am thankful that even though I fall short daily. These days more than others. But i digress, even thought I fall short daily my Lord is a rewarder of those diligently seeking Him. 

I stay in his face. I stay on my face. I pray without ceasing. 

I’m telling you about my JESUS!

So. Like two weeks ago. I got love letters coming through my phone screen via text and I’m like no thank you. From about three different people.

Do i really make an impact on people like that?

Then I put a little hair in my head and a couple of exes who cheated, lied, got with my friends, and the list goes on is at me. But why?

Why would I respond? Its not that I havent forgiven. I have. But being thankful that they chose me not which opened the door to where I am now doesnt mean anything. I dont want anything to do with my past unless its on a professional basis. 

So. I’m watching the video. They made some deep cuts, but as Taylor gets ready to fight the fight of her life a group dressed in white called Trinity is helping her get prepared. 

Ive got a set of Trinity. The Father, Son, the Holy Spirit. And my man. I feel it couldnt have been coincidence that God placed my man in my path the way he came. 

But he is preparing me. In many ways, helping me to get ready for the path I have been destined to walk down all my life.

I am thankful for that.

So. I let my past check out whats going on in my life hoping that if they need someone to call on they will call on the name of Jesus who will definitely go interecede for those who ask in His name. Because I know of the harsh reality that some of them live, but thats about it. 

My only job was to bring these men to the King. Some wanted to come, and others came at a time when I didnt want to believe I was who i am. 

Now. No love lost. We dont really have bad blood. We have good blood. We have all been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. All we have to do is walk into it.

I hope someone will accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior this week, before the weekend is out. You’ll never know how good he is until you really give him a try!!

Choices right now…

Don’t Even Think About It….


You love me in spite of me.

You love me so much that you’ll send a word to me; even when I think of doing something that’s out of your will, you’ll send someone to me that’s in the midst of that same storm or coming out of it to save us both.

Despite of what it looks like, feels like, if it ain’t right, it ain’t God. Now it’s up to me to do what is right at this point. I can go left, I can go right or I can stay on the narrow path that my Father has laid out for me to walk. It’s my free will. A scary thought but it’s true
But God, how much does He love me that He’ll show me what’s ahead before I walk that crooked path. There have been and will be other times again that I’ll feel like this saved path is lonely and that I’m missing out on something but oh God you have a way of letting me know that I’m never alone and that I’m not part of this world. I can’t be, I’m a king’s kid, an heir to the throne, a daughter of God. 
You word clearly states in Deuteronomy 31:6 you’ll never leave me or forsake me, for the Lord my God goes with me; and since I’m a kings kid, a daughter and an heir,  I can fully rely on the promised word of God in John 18:36 when Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world.

I’m just not; and never have been.

Jesus, you’re always right there beside me, behind me and in front of me, you’ve got me all the way around. You are God that holds me with His righteous right hand. 
I thank you God for loving me when I feel unlovable, for keeping me when I don’t want to be kept; but what is really mind blowing right now is that He’s covering me even when I just think about coming from under His covenant (covering) that He made and has just for me.

Jesus, you think about and love me just that much. And He feels the same way about you too sisters. 
He’s here, He’s near, and you’ve got me; always have and always will. He’s got you too sis! 
I know it, you’ve shown it but now it’s up to me to believe it. You too sis! 
Somewhere along the path I changed, I looked another way but God is showing me that it’s never too late to get back to Him. You too sis!

We can do it by getting back into our word, prayer, prayer, prayer, prayer, communing with like-minded people (who love God), not entertaining foolishness, and standing on the solid foundation that was built from the beginning will get us back on track. He’s right there waiting.

This living a saved life is a struggle for real for real; but once you get real with God and yourself you’ll find that it becomes easier with Him to stay there. *but it’s a process, an ongoing process.

One more thing, there’s so much power in telling your story. You don’t know who else is struggling and going through too. Get your power back and tell your story. Share your storm even in the midst of it, there will be sunshine to follow. 

Thank you for reading, be blessed and please share, if not this then your story, your message, your testimony, to help release and free someone else. 

Beardgang Takes on a New Meaning

The whole world has practically gone mad about Bruce Jenner. He has made quite a buzz in the world because people cant believe the audacity of it all.

But there is nothing new under the sun.

For years one of the biggest issues in the black community has been undercover and downlow brothers. 

I mean when Janet Jackson played her role in For Colored Girls, I am sure her character would have never suspected her man of being a man who liked to enjoy other men. But he did and gave her an incurable disease.


Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one’s sexual orientation. The American slang term originally referred to anyone who acted on behalf of another, in any transaction, to conceal a person’s true identity.[1] The term can be used in heterosexual and homosexual contexts, but is especially used within LGBT culture.[2] References to beards are seen in mainstream television and films, and other entertainment. (wikipedia)

So. I’m talking to a woman. She is telling me of the divorce she is thinking of pursuing for the same reason. What? Why are so many men choosing to live a down low lifestyle and taking the hearts of women down with them?

So. I once dated a guy. Something in me made me question him. Let me stop. That nagging feeling i get everytime I feel that God is trying to tell me something hit me, so when I listened and decided to play ispy, tracking his computer whereabouts, the sites he was visiting and checking the search of his phone had him looking for things that a straight man definitely wouldnt have a desire to see.

I was, unbeknownst to me, a beard.

He was using me, my femininity and beauty, to hide the fact that he preferred the other sex. Maybe in addition to or instead of. Only God knows his heart. Or maybe he was just curious. But why he would be looking up body parts that he already had in his own possession was beyond my level of comprehension.

Its almost like a man who loves brown skinned women but has been conditioned by society to believe that a woman with fairer skin is better than the others. So in his constant love of self and hatred of self he chooses brown skinned women to love on, but keeps the fairer skinned woman in his possession with a title. Never quite   fulfilled in the relationship but not knowing how to be real enough with self to pursue what he really wants.

Beards come in all shapes, shades, sizes, and shadows.

Anyway. I digress.

So of course. I confront. He denies. He then turns his hatred to me because I know his secret and begins to depict me in a certain light.

Such is life. Most men do not have a hard time creating a stable environment with a woman unless that is not their cup of tea.

So. Ladies. Don’t just accept a man at face value. There is nothing wrong with doing a little research. There is nothing wrong with asking questions, and if you choose not to live a life kept by God then by all means insist on testing. They might be able to cure babies that are born so they believe with HIV but they dont have a cure for the rest of the population as of yet. Just some good drugs that allow people to live longer. But why catch what can be avoided?

I choose abstinence. I’ve made too many wrong decisions. I choose to live a life pleasing to God, because no matter what a person looks like on the outside you cant number their partners by a look and you definitely don’t know whats going on inside their body for the sake of their medical history.

There are too many people that choose not to be honest with their own selves, so they definitely wont be honest with you. And many people are afraid of finding out their status. 

Yes. A beard is a cover up. 

I used to rock with the beardgang a little bit. Now I am just wondering what that beard is really covering up!

I miss the people but I cant miss the lies

2 Corinthians 12:2-5

2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3 And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4 was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. 5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. 

So i see a stat this morning going on about how someone closed a door on a Jehovah’s Witness because of … she said if she couldnt trust their truth on the small things how could she trust their truth on their complex things? 

So yeah umm all my life i was scared of death so I was dying to live. Partying, smoking, drinking, and too many men. Because I never could get with that paradise on earth thing. i didnt want to live on earth forever… so i said imma just live to die so I wont be resurrected to live on the earth.

yeah Talib Kweli said it best, you only scared to die when you aint living right. Absence from the body is present with the Lord, because the bible says my flesh and blood cannot inherit Gods kingdom. Kinda puts s damper on that paradise on earth schemenology.

So. Now I am dying to live. I crucify my flesh and its desires daily. 2.5 years smoke free. rarely partying. like only for special occasions. no drunken days. and abstinence. And i cant boast on me. God did that! If Rae-Rae, my alter ego could be anywhere she would be awakening from a hangover, stepping over a man getting ready to kick him out after a long night of partying, putting that ‘drink’ in my purse just in case i got called in for a drop at work. But God stripped my desires for my old life out of my heart. Its no longer desirable to my palate. Its quite easy. And i mean abstinence is easy if you have no action, but LORD! ALLLLLLLLL these fine men calling me daily! Keeps me running to my Saviors arms asking Jesus to keep me focused and show me how to do Gods will. Because if it aint Gods will I dont want it!!! And He just Keep keeping me. keep delivering me and answering my prayers!!!

negative test results after a year or so of abstinence keeps me reminded that fornication is a sin to my own flesh. Because these diseases that others are being forced to live with are as a result of their choices. And there is no condemnation. I only made it away unscathed because of his unfailing love, grace and mercy. so i remain focused on pleasing God. 

Yes. I am constantly learning because i am tired of being in the dark. Constantly asking the Holy Spirit to direct me and keep me focused. I do not have all the answers because my thoughts nor my ways are like Gods. I do however, believe. Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.
I hoped to really learn about God and as He reveals more of himself. He has been showing up and showing out. I mean. Man. I if I could tell the stories. One day. 

I have finally become okay with the names the Jehovahs witnesses will call me for denouncing the faith of my childhood. i was born into darkness and now as God continually pulls sthe wool off my eyes by taking me places in his word, not people, God! not books, the word of God. He opens up my mind to understand him and what better way than by His word! 

so happy mothers day. My present to my mother is doing what she asked me to do on her death bed, and I cant do that until i break free from the lies.
Freedom hass found me so I said I do!

Wastefilled body producing toxic thoughts

So I’ve been spending the last year being my own research project.

I have been through enouugh experiences in my life to make one bitter, angry and reseentful for the rest of my life but I choose life. A happy life at that!

Yes. I have a relationship with God. I have accepted his Son Jesus as my Lord and Savior and my life has changed drastically.

I understand now Faith without works is dead in a whole new light.

So about my mental health. Three years ago I was unhealthy, depressed, committing social suicide in my interpersonal life and neglecting my daughter chasing men to feel a feeling of fulfillment.

Ok. I never neglected my daughter, but I did pay attention to men who i knew was not going anywhere in my life. Anytime spent with someone that can’t help my future is taking away from my present. 

Anyway, I answer the call. it wasnt so much a call as ring ring. But I was working three jobs couldnt make ends meet and wondering why I was living life like this when I knew God. I was always reading his word. No I would never believe Jesus was a prophet, and not the Son of God. Even though I had been bamboozled into believing he was an angel named Michael.

I was perishing for a lack of knowledge.

Anyway, after my descent into desperation and despair I felt the urge to go. to change my eating habits, and begin to get my 260 something pound frame into some better health. I made excuses since i got all the way up to 300 pounds in my pregnancy, but i needed to make a change.

So I did. I changed my eating habits. Fluctuated, but have been consistent in keeping off a total of 85 pounds since having my daughter.

So I’m checking out why my mood has changed since changing my eating habits and I find an article online.

  • High-fructose diets also feed pathogens in your gut, allowing them to overtake beneficial bacteria. Furthermore, sugar suppresses activity of a key growth hormone in your brain called brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). BDNF levels are critically low in both depression and schizophrenia.
  • Sugar consumption also triggers a cascade of chemical reactions in your body that promote chronic inflammation. In the long term, inflammation disrupts the normal functioning of your immune system and wreaks havoc on your brain. 

    Last but not least, sugar (particularly fructose) and grains contribute to insulin and leptin resistance and impaired signaling, which also play a significant role in your mental health.

  • Artificial food ingredients, the artificial sweetener aspartame in particular, can wreak havoc with your brain function. Both depression and panic attacks are known potential side effects of aspartame consumption. Other additives, such as artificial colorings, are also known to impact mood.


Almost everything we consume has sugar in it. And so many artificial ingredients. Our body was never designed to break down fake stuff. So now the body is storing all the toxic waste in fat cells and keeping people from being able to make the hormones necessary to produce good mental health. Like seratonin that keeps depreession at bay. And the inability to produce a good healthy stable mood and mindset keeps people with fake smiles plastered on their faces, and negative words and thoughts floating around their same mindset circle.

So here is my call to health. I see a hurting people in black people and we have some of the worst diets. Even the slimmest person does little exercise and still eats a lot of processed junk food, and we wonder why we dont have the strength and discipline to press forward towards greatness. Many successful people are mostly slim people, who care enough about themselves to eat healthy and disciplined enough to work hard to keep their bodies in the best shape theirr body is able to be in.

Reduce the waste and increase the ability to see past it and find treasure after the trash.

My sister in Christ gave me a scripture early this week, Ephesian 4:1b, 2 of the message bible, “I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere.”

I find the more I purge myself of the waste of the old behaviorrs that once consumed my life, smoking, drinking, overeating processed junk food, awful relationships whih produced its own set of trauma, which scientists say trauma gets coded into hormones for the brain to recognize and then gets stored as toxic waste into my fat cells. So the more I purge, and let go the lighter i feel the happier I become. I walk in freedom.

Yes now. I live a life eating plants. I am a vegan now and I eat foods derived from plants and my smilie is so bright that as passengers board and alight my bus they smile. They wave from the other side of the street. White, black, latino, asian, indian. Joy transcends all color lines.

so yes, the old adage you are what you eat. SO lets get some discipline to change our habits and become all God created us to be.

Proverbs 15:32 Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, 

but the one who heeds correction gains understanding. 

Happy eating! To the health of my people!!