So. about last Friday. I saw a man. Blue, green eyes that turn hazel too. 

He said he had been looking for me. 

He wasted no time making things official.

If you dont know me by now. Yes. I am Radiance J. I been moving fast all my life. I dont like moving slow.

Besides Pastor been preaching about suddenly for awhile now anyway.

But when things move at a certain pace you get to savor the journey of it all. 

Live to love the journey.

So. Call one comes through my phone the next day, a text really. Asking me to call him. For what? The way he left me he deserves no love, but I am a child of God I give love anyway. Anyway he wants to see me. For what I cant imagine. He began talking about our chemistry being gone. He started talking about trying to see if he had made the right decision. I ignored the texts coming through rapidly. Then finally when i arrived to my destination I decided to text him with a message to stay blessed.

Thats when the barrage hit. He started saying he knew I thought about him. But I dont think about people that purposely hurt me. People that are so selfishly inclined to do their own thing that they miss out on the blessing of being a blessing to someone else. He started to apologize for who he had been to me. I dont want to accept any apologies. I want people to be exactly who they are. So to get him away from my phone texting it like crazy I told him to stop texting me so late at night before he wakes up bae.

Poof the magic dragon was gone, because thats the only one who sent him in the first place. 

So then here comes the next one. He calls me. He drives right past me and keeps going where he is going. Im like man I been holding it down, hoping this dude get it together to get with me. I loved him so much. But he rode past and kept on going and sent me a text on Monday, about a woman having a beautiful personality, the funny girl that left the man wanting a second chance in tears begging.

Umm hmmm.

Dont it always seem to go that you dont know what you got til its gone. 

I wondered via text if he loved me, because why else would he be sending me messages like that. He said he did, but in his Jasmine Sullivan voice, just cause I love you and you love me it doesnt mean that we’re meant to be.

Well why you bothering me then??

And then, this ex, and baby daddy sending me nice nasty messages the day before mothers day knowing I’m already going through enough. And this guy and the next.

Im like why all this controversy when I am about to get in my first relationship in more than three years.

Because your past never truly wants to let you go when they are not happy themselves. They want to play and play and never do things the right way. 

I had a dream once. I was wading in the water but I had on some arm floating devices and everyone on shore was screaming at me not to wade too deep. But all I kept thinking was I am covered. I have my safety net.

I am covered by the ransom and blood of my Lord and Savior. I dont have to fear what my future has for me. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love God.

Yes we love God. My favorite song, Tsunami by Res says, “Ride, ride this wave of mine. Theres brighter things out on the other side.” The other side.

I’ll get lost then found in shades on blue, green and brown as they look at me like they are actually interested in seeing me, when they are interested in seeing me. But the actions. The ways in which he has shown me. I will never brag, because nothing is unfallible. But I will definitely enjoy seeing how a man truly feels when he actually wants to pursue something real.

So to the past. They be calling, I be dippin though. Make it sweet like candy. For those dipsticks. Its pretty messed up when you lose a good woman, who had all her attention and love your way but instead of making her feel deserving of a queen title the man makes her feel like a pauper in order to boost his self esteem to feel like the king he knows he is not worthy of being called just yet.

So dont be surprised if you call and my phone go straight to voicemail. I cant promise I will get back with you, but I do promise looking forward and not looking back like Lots wife will keep me from being stuck, on stupid, the past, anything that isnt for my good in the long run!

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