So. I been calling my man all night. No response. This is not like him. But he also just let his baby momma stay with him because she supposedly has some business to take care of in chicago and dont nobody else want to be bothered with her stabbing baby daddy’s, fighting everybody like crazy behind. 

I aint mad at a man looking out for his family. The Lord will let me know if he is not for me. 

We both praying. If this is not for us remove it Lord! But I wont let no man or woman stop what God is putting in place not again.

See the struggle in choosing this man is the same struggle it was two years ago.

He a friend of my baby daddy.

I just want see where God wants to take this.

In being a part of my baby daddy’s circle he has heard all about me.

yes. The crazy one. The one that caused my daughters father to lose everything. The one being dragged in the streets. 

Laughing with my man like bae, you know how that bunker feel in the holding cell.

Unfortunately I do. Thanks to my baby daddy.

Back in them days, I was quick to get revenge. 

he sent me to jail. HE was not supposed to be having contact with me. I was facing the lies of my daughters father, the police officer I teed off when I asked for his badge number, and a whole group of people. I don’t need an army. I’m a one woman show. I wouldve fought that whole crowd by myself. I ain’t never been scared. I just got caught off guard from behind and lost my footing. 

Now I’m still struggling to get up.

anyway. I digress. 

Anyway. I had to get a lawyer. They were trying to put domestic battery on my record. I want to be a nurse. I told my lawyer about the fact that the man had been violating his order of protection anyway. My lawyer was quick to jump on that. You know. Lawyers fight fire with fire in order to get their win, and my daughters father went to jail. Even though he was bailed out after a day or two a shorter time than when I sent him to jail for the last time he put his hands on me he lost his job.

how a man lose his job for being in jail for two days but they gave him his job back after being locked up for two weeks. 

Because he and his cronies were lying on me and trying to destroy me.

I tell you about this God I serve. Constantly fighting for me. He says touch not my anointed, nor my prophet. he explained who is prophet was when talking to Miriam before giving her leprosy. He said at Numbers 12:6, 6 he said, “Listen to my words:

“When there is a prophet among you,
I, the Lord, reveal myself to them in visions,
I speak to them in dreams. 

So a year and a half ago. I was having all these dreams about my friend. I knew how powerful his anointing was because everytime i worshipped on the altar next to him i would feel the power of God. Then the Lord started to speak to me about him in dreams. 


So. My friend had all his locs cut off. But that happened a whole year later than the dream i dreamed. But so many people were praying for us to be seperated. I know how to be a friend to a man that is only supposed to be my friend. I dont care how strong the attraction is. I once sent a married man home. After the year of lies, and my six months of recovery from being addicted to him. But I don’t want anything thats not mine. The turmoil you go through trying to hold onto what God has in place for another person can be emotionally and mentally damaging! 
Anyway. Back to the no response from my man. My man who is my ex’s homie. My ex who had me locked up on lies while my baby was still nursing. Caused me to lose over $3,000 that year trying to pay to clear my name. I wasnt saved yet, so I didnt know how to call on Jesus, but he still made a way.

So the hood, trying to make me out to be something I’m not. A crazy chick because of what that man took me through. But I havent heard from my man all night. I have a key to his apartment. Its not hard to get through the front door of the building. I could politely put my CTA uniform on and go to start some mess knowing that any confrontation concerning me in uniform would get the other person locked up before it would me, but no more.

I been to see the King. The mind regulating king. Where I once was prescribed medicine to battle deprpession I am full of joy. Where I once smoked blunts daily filled with weed from sunup to sundown, I turn down my sins to turn up for God. Where I once drank like a fish, throwing up praying to porcelain Gods, please please let this be over I enjoy sober life drunk off the power of God. Where I once used my body to keep men in subjection to me I work hard to contain my flesh. And like my man did on Sunday when he came to church with me, I bring them to the King! thats who they should only be in subjection to. 

Sorry you can’t have none. I don’t do ho no mo. lol

Get it from the ones thats really about that life. You know them by the count of baby daddies, and the homes they stay trying to wreck because their lives are filled with misery. But it can all be alleviated by going to the king. I submitted to Christ. I have fallen. I will rise again. Because My God says he is married to the backslider.

So. Do I stay or Go. I leave that all in Gods hand. In his timing truth shall be revealed. And I pray every day that his will be done.

No. I’m not the crazy chick I was once depicted to be. My daughters father life could have been so much better had he let go of his petite Monticello chick. The one his sister said when he got around her he would alwayslose  everything. The one his sister said that he wouldnt even wash his behind when he got with her. I was making him a better man until she came back into the picture. A man is always the sum of the woman he chooses.

Some women live to scheme and scam the system constantly in and out of jail, the court systems, and running through different men for a come up. Then some women work to provide a better life for their children. You know a Proverbs 31 woman. verse 11. her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life. 12. she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 16. she goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17. She is energetic and strong a hard worker. 20. she extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. 25. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 26. When she speaks her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. 30. Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. 

Thats right. I dont need to live with my man. I want to buy a home for my family. Working towards a better life. I dont need to charm and decieve and manipulate a man with my child to get him to do what I want him to do to try and thwart the plans of his life. I fear the Lord. I know He will fight all my battles. 

Touch not his anointed or his prophet. 

I am working on kindness. So every story should not be believed, and every person can’t be trusted. I am walking on the path that God has placed me on. Whomever that includes is awesome. I let Him choose for me. 

I guess my dilemma isnt really as big a dilemma as I thought it was. 

God got it!


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