Warnings that come before destruction

I finally know who I am to the Lord! 

I think I always knew but who wants to have a Jeremiah like anointing. It’s always gloom and doom with the messages the Lord sends me for others. 

Straighten out or deal with his wrath!!!

In this generation where everyone wants to shout over houses and cars and husbands or wives, my messages are disregarded!

So I saw a lying so and so today. I am not delivered from cursing in my mind, but in order to please my Abba, Papa, whom I love dearly. My Father in heaven I am working on keeping my mouth shut. Only love, light and warnings that come before destruction shall come out.

Gods will. 

Well I saw him. 

After the man who is holding the key to my heart  said what he said to try and discourage me.

I wanted to fight the liar. But I remembered. My Papa is the God who always wins against his enemies. And this man sowed seeds of discord between my man and I with his blatant lies. Papa knows I been crying out for family. Someone to love and love me and this lying man with his love for sodomous acts which in fact is an abomination before God, lied to me to sever the ties that had our love bound to hope for a better life! 

So. I see my baby. Eyes that’s usually blue when he sees me are now green with his nonchalance.

Immediately I’m repentant for every heart I’ve broken. Every man I hurt purposely. Like please Lord mend the hurtful things I’ve done.

Because where I was healing. Seeing him was like snatching the bandaid off. 

I’m on the verge of breakdown. Especially after I come off break and get a bus and see his hair net on the floor of the bus. A bag that carried the burger he left work with and ate, and I hollered out to my Papa in such agony it felt like a hole was in my chest.

So I’m driving. Anyway. Being nice anyway. Still being courteous anyway. My baby taught me that. How to be nice anyway when you’re hurting. The show must go on.

A woman gets on board. She has cardboard. Holy Spirit ignites my curiosity. So I ask her what does it say.

She says, it’s a cool board that says go be light.

I almost start crying. 

I tell her my name is Radiance.

She has tears in her eyes as well as she can sense the hurt bubble in my chest I’m guessing. So she says she will make something for me. She does.

Be light in this world of darkness!

Yes. And when I’m on the verge of a breakdown Papa comes for me. To soothe me. And send the Holy Spirit to comfort me. I call out. He comes.

My bus breaks down. I can’t move. And I’m getting paid, quite handsomely, to sit still. 

And I hear God in my spirit say warn my people.

Where do I go?

He gives me Jeremiah.

Where in Jeremiah.

Chapter 13.

When I open the first few verses are about a belt. 

I’m intrigued.

I took off my belt earlier because it wasn’t comfortable for me. 

So to see the Lord God Almighty telling Jeremiah to take off and hide a belt, I’m wowed.

What else Lord?

Jeremiah 13:9,10 9 “This is what the Lord says: ‘In the same way I will ruin the pride of Judah and the great pride of Jerusalem. 10 These wicked people, who refuse to listen to my words, who follow the stubbornness of their hearts and go after other gods to serve and worship them, will be like this belt—completely useless! 

My sister friend was just talking about how God talks about the Lion of Judah. 

Now the Lordis talking about the pride of Judah which has them going after their own sinful desires not willing to hand their wickedness over to Him.

Ok Lord. And what else?

Jeremiah 13:14-17, 26,27

14 I will smash them one against the other, parents and children alike, declares the Lord. I will allow no pity or mercy or compassion to keep me from destroying them.’ ”
15 Hear and pay attention,
do not be arrogant,
for the Lord has spoken.
16 Give glory to the Lord your God
before he brings the darkness,
before your feet stumble
on the darkening hills.
You hope for light,
but he will turn it to utter darkness
and change it to deep gloom.
17 If you do not listen,
I will weep in secret
because of your pride;
my eyes will weep bitterly,
overflowing with tears,
because the Lord’s flock will be taken captive. 26 I will pull up your skirts over your face
that your shame may be seen—
27 your adulteries and lustful neighings,
your shameless prostitution!
I have seen your detestable acts
on the hills and in the fields.
Woe to you, Jerusalem!
How long will you be unclean?” 

God has given some of us gifts that we have used to do shameful things with. I used to use these words that are supposed to help me be light to say ugly and dark things to people. Hurting people hurt people. I used to use my poetry to woo, and intrigue the man I wanted to captivate at any given time. 

But God has become so angry with his people. He is trying to get our attention and call us back. Before He places us in the Category of his enemies.


In desperation. I am crying out to my Heavenly Father. Papa. Fix this situation. And make it so nothing like this ever happens again.

People who were the enemy of my destiny who was calling out to darkness to help dim my lights that year her house caught on fire. 

So people. With the dark hearts, and manipulative actions full of deceit and wickedness. Repent now!

Repent is not just asking for forgiveness, it’s turning from the ways that are displeasing to God our Papa!

Some talk about a God that blesses while they carry out wicked deeds. No He provides just like He did for the Israelites with manna and quail. But the same God opened the earth and swallowed people and the families of those people. The same God who had all those Israelites killed by the Levites for worshipping the golden calf. 

No idol worship is a slap in the face for the God I serve.

But we have freedom in redemption. The blood of the lamb. The sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Forgiveness is available to all who ask. In Jesus name.

So lift up your head. You want freedom from acts you can’t stop doing, knowing it is wreaking havoc on your personal life? Accept Jesus as Lord of your life and then let Him reign on your heart. He’s sitting next to God Almighty. Who gave the Spirit of His only begotten Son, so that we are recognized as sons and daughters where we can cry Abba, Father. Or as I lovingly refer to Him as Papa!

Jesus is the high priest that knows what sins afflict mankind, having become flesh. So when I say Lord. My heart is broken. I need a fifth of tequila, a blunt, and a man to numb my pain he sends the Holy Spirit to comfort me. Break my bus down, so he can send concerned loving people to help me along my way, give me a hug seeing my broken state and there. The bottle can stay in the liquor store. The blunt is forgotten, as it has been for years now, as I remember the job I’ve been blessed with that tests randomly, and a man? Pshaw!!! The men that only love me when I am being who and what they want me to be, unwilling to accept me for who I really am because they never even get a chance to know me for real.

So. Yes. We all have been warned. It’s time to operate in obedience. And with the help of God, our Father. The Son, and the Spirit it is possible.

You just have to be willing to accept!

And go.

Be light.


Living Life

I think I had a better Fathers Day than some of the Fathers I know.

I woke up early. I was so tired. Of course I didnt want to sing. But I pressed and pushed and after 7:30 service here comes BFF ringing the telephone asking if I wanted breakfast at The Original House of Pancakes. 

Well yes BFF. I know how well we are connected in spirit but if you reading my pancake filled thoughts on a sunday morning aint nobody got time for that.

I so love my BFF though. He’s like sunshine on a cloudy day. Reminders of peace and purpose. Reminders of God’s promises. Reminding me to not beat myself up so bad about falling into sin when i called him teary eyed, and ready to beat myself up for letting the devil get a foothold. And I can be trasnparent with BFF because the bible tells us to confess our sins one to another, and since the Lord has helped me get myself back under control my appointment with my Pastor wasnt even necessary. I am already looking and feeling better. Even though I’m still kinda in my feelings that the scheduling clerk made me miss the appointment even after I asked him if he could let me get a run that would have allowed me to go meet, but God is in control of all, and maybe since God knew I was better He didnt allow me to make the appointment because I was better anyway and pastor is such a busy man anyway.

Anyway back to BFF. He with his loving and soothing encouraging words reminded me that I dont have to live in condemnation for the sins of my flesh. I belong to Christ now, and His blood covers my sins so I dont have to be a slave to the law. I am not a slave to the law because nothing I could do would merit me recieving what God is giving freely through his grace and his mercy.  See Romans 8:1 comes to life in my life. I am no longer a slave to sin. When I finally reached that I’m done point. I have a helper in the Holy Spirit that will keep me from traveling down that road for keeps. I fall but I don’t have to stay there. 

Anyway. We eat. We happy. We church. 

Church part two. 

I went in on the altar in worship. 

See I may have traits that others would consider me being a bad person. I may talk a little wreckless. I may have somewhat of an attitude. I may get a little feisty, which means I live to love a good fight. I may curse you out still in my mind, as my mouth is learning to silence itself. But I will make even a bigger fool of myself than that before the Lord like David did. 2 Samuel 6:14-22

Yes. I love God. With all my might. I guess the enemy thought i was going to fall down in defeat when a man chose to make someone comfortable over me whom he was calling his future. Or telling me he was mine. Nope. Because whatever the Lord wants to do he will. I believe sometimes God allows us to go through storms and trials because when we suffer we learn obedience.

Jesus suffered. Hebrews 5:8. He learned obedience for it all. 

Anyway. Church gets out and i’m headed home and I get a call.

One of my favorite people is in distress. You cannot be in my heart and circle of love and be going through and have brought some joy and happiness to my life and i hear you are in distress and I not come through. I mean if the Lord God ALmighty opens a door with a babysitter, gas money and gives me time to go I know it must be in His will for me to do so. So I do. I go.

We dream. We talk about life. His frown furrowed once again becomes a smile. We eat. We share. We sing. We laugh. We joke. We friendly. We run for buses. We Navy Pier. We poetry. We Jurassic Park. We build. We hope. We talk. We believe. We just be.

No expectations. No requirements. We just be.

I realized. Had I stayed where I was, I wouldve been all in the hood. The hood where ratchedness be all we know. No one has the desire or room to grow. No one wants better. No one wants to travel out the hood. No one wants to downtown, or divvy bike. No one wants to escape the duldrum of a mundane life. Everyone wants to wallow in a comfort zone and pretend like they made it because they got a highly noted car parked on the side of an apartment they using section 8 to pay for.

Or working two jobs missing out on this experience we call life.

Ms Minaj said it best. Everybody dies but not everybody lives. 

I write because its my passion. I like the way words inform, bring to life, entertain, teach, soothe, nurture and heal. I love the way my words can love on and I’m trying to steer clear from the words that tear down and destroy. Its hard. Hurt people hurt people. But loved people love people.

I used to want what I wanted. Now I just want the ones who want me. The ones who want to encourage me, and understand me. The ones who know I may be nice today and mean tomorrow. I am a work in progress forever until the Lord changes this body into one more like his own and I no longer a slave to this flesh that makes me do wrong when I want to do right! Romans 7:21-25

21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. 

I can only apologize for so long. But we must forgive. In all fullness, as God does. Throwing our stuff into a sea of forgetfulness. And continue to allow the good work that God brings us together with others in the faith to do. I have learned forgiveness.

One of my sister friends hates when I tell people of the things she has done to hurt me. But as with time, and the healing of wounds, when the Lord is ready to put us together again as she prays with fervor and power approaching the throne of Grace with confidence and boldness the heavens pour out the answers. The Holy Spirit is ushered in and I get some deliverance. Yes deliverance for me most times comes in tears. Where I never cried in the world for too long I have spent the past two years in this walk with Jesus bawling my eyes out. But its in my weaknesses I find his strength. I humble myself and seek the face of God.

Psalms 126:5 ESV Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy. 

I love the joy I carry with me because of not quenching the Holy Spirit when He wants to move in me and help me shed tears to be mournful of the life I once lived, and thankful for what the Lord has brought me from.

2 Corinthians 7:10 ESV For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whearas worldly grief produces death.

Yes. The grief I cry out to God with is the kind that asks Him to take these things away that are not pleasing to him. I ask Him to put the mirror of his word against my spirit and show me who I am and what is in my heart that is displeasing to him. The pride, the sharp tongue, the unforgiveness were things I had to pray for God to help me get rid of. 

Its different for all of us. We all are different, and while some may have similar struggles our struggles are different as well. Its so important for us to just love one another and understand that in our differences we are all still one. 

One Body. Of which Christ is the head. We need each other because how could I write my poems and soliloquys if I had no thumb. every part of the body of Christ is necessary, and sometimes the good we produce in one anothers lives is neccessary for our individual walks. 

So yes. I was led on Fathers Day. By The Spirit of God. To live life. To live it more abundantly and not stay stagnant and stuck with the mundane everyday things of life. 

Every Body dies.

But this body plans to live. And live abundantly!

2Let Go 2Let God

My daughter just wanted to say Happy Fathers day to her own dad for fathers day.

I accidently erased his number from my phone.

he only texts me to remind me of how I have ruined his life because of the misdemeanor his handiwork got him charged with. 

But if only you keep your hands to yourself. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you. Not really. They may cut, but if you know who you are…

Like the man that came to help me with my broken down bus the other day said. A man only gets angry with the words of a woman if the words hit close to home. So for real. You give yourself away with anger. 

I still can’t help who and what I love. It is what it is. Love is not based on stipulations. Love loves no matter what the conditions.

Anyway. SInce I dont have his number, I call his mother. She doesnt pick up. I just wanted to tell her my daughter has her own number he can call. I mean this man only calls me to tell em how much he dislikes me, and harass me. With long irrational texts when I am trying to just live my normal life. The last time he sent texts like that, I was sitting on a mans couch who grew up with him, maybe at one time he called his friend, or brother. So he made my choice easy for me.

I chose to walk away from the emotional and mental abuse. The name calling, and irrational behavior to accept the loving arms of his boy. 

Why would I still be holding on to loyalty to someone who let his girlfriend drag me through the streets. Who lied and said I put my hands on him so I had to pay $3,000 dollars for a lawyer to clear my name from domestic battery charges? Who called me more B*%$#’s than I have ever been called in my life. The only man that has ever been in my life to ever have done so. Who left me to raise my child alone before he ever lost anything, and only bought a couple of outfits for my daughter when he was working everyday and had more than enough since he never had rent to pay or car notes to pay for.

I’m guessing thats why his mother ignored my calls. I’m guessing that when he called his friend to see what was going on with us he didnt like the answer he recieved. 

We grown. It’s life.

No it wasnt a move in vindicativeness. It was an I wanna be happy, and who makes these street rules anyway? Why not live and find happiness? Who makes these rules about who to love. And why do we let our pride get in the way to let go of the people that make us feel good. Why do we let our selfishness get in the way thinking we are hurting the next person by walking away from what brought us peace, happiness and love? 

Especially a person who draws us closer to God??

who really bites off their nose to spite their face?

You wanna walk around with your face all ugly because your nose which was the center of it all made you mad, so you get rid of your center. What people focus on when they see you because of some stupidness?

Anyway. On the eve of my mothers birthday I find no sadness. I been searching for a family since she died. But I only want what God says is mine. 

I see my coworkers looking at me crazy because of the love I show the men who I have encouraged a time or two. You know. Reminded them why its important to keep trash out of their marriages. I have sent married men home, and reminded them to put their wives first. I have encouraged friends to make ammends with their long time girlfriends when I feel God saying thats where he needs to be. I have encouraged men to give a new relationship a fair shot. There will be bumps in the road. In anything in life there are bumps. But what about the one who wants to go through the bumps with you and then put the healing salve on after the anger subsides.

See in this relationship I was pursuing. He said in the beginning that we would not go to bed mad. He reminded me to pray. But the night we had a big fight we didnt pray and went to bed for days mad, and gave way to the devil to come in. 

Its not right but its ok. Like the Apostle Paul I can see the gift of my singleness by serving the Lord with all my heart. I can dance in my home like I am one of the yielded vessels of my church’s dance ministry. I can jump up and down until I exhaust myself. I can write blogs to remind people of the goodness of God and the gift He gave us through our Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I can focus on my daughter. I can sing and keep my worship music on as loud as I want it. I can bow and lay prostrate before the Lord without having to explain to my mate why I can’t answer his phone call right now. I am free. 

I’m not just a worshipper on the altar of the church I attend. I am a worshipper for real. I’m a glory carrier. Even when I want to fall out and cry I know there are others who dont know the gift of being able to walk with Christ as he strips the things that have hurt me from my heart. So I let them see the joy of the Lord and the love of Christ permeating through me.

So yes. I once looked for a family to replace my mother and the family that was bound to her but walked away from me after her death. But Jesus.

Matthew 12:50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. 

See I been searching. But my sister who tells me of her obedience to God and the struggle she has had with her own changes. Who sends me emails reminding me of Gods love. Who sends me scriptures. My BFF who lets God use him as he walks in obedience to become who God created him to become and reminds me that I am a good woman who any man who wants to build for life would love to have keep and hold. My childhood friend turned sister in Christ who let God use her to pray and break something off me that was holding me hostage as I kept beating myself up for not having that family of ten I always wanted, so my children would never know the loneliness of being an only child. My Spiritual mother who watches my daughter when I have no one else to turn to. My many sisters in Christ who remind me not to hold onto the things that the enemy sent to hurt me. Yes Lord. I have a family.

All I had to do was accept them.

So I no longer need to hold onto my mother. I promised her two things on her death bed. I would be alright, and I would perform. Or as she said, “Show me you can do something better with your life than drinking it and smoking it away.”

Ratchedness used to be all I knew. But God. But change!

What a blessing to walk into a new life. With a new family, and new understanding of how to be better.

yes. Now I can finally learn to let go to let God.

I believe I just did!

Keep on moving

It’s been a long day already and it’s only noon.

Sundays be like that for me.

Sunday service starts at 7:30 so I’m up hitting the alarm repeatedly by 5:20. 

After standing in the line of Chicagos west side jerk taco fix for almost an hour the night before. I left my vegan life for a week. But I’ll be back. Six days a week with an opt in or out day for the rest of the year.

Anyway. I’m tired. 

After service here I am running to drop off my precious package of a daughter and head to work. I sit there for two hours before getting an 8 hour assignment so I’m not quite interested in riding the bus to get my bus, seeing as I’m going to need coffee on my break.

Anyway I’m driving down the street and I see the last man I was entangled with before walking with Christ. 

I blow my horn and stop. I wave and say hello. He’s pulling at my car door thinking I want to let him in. Not a chance.

I let him in before. He didn’t know how to value or appreciate who and what I was and had to give so why would I foolishly allow him the opportunity to come in again?

He commented on my work uniform and implied that I was doing well. The last time he was around I was working three jobs. One as a school bus driver. Two others as a CNA and not even able to make enough ends to meet to pay my $650 rent. About to get evicted but by the grace of God I got a free pass! See I’ve never been the woman that depends on man, or her body, or illegal street pharmaceuticals to make my money. God has been consistent and faithful in my life.

Anyway. I was overjoyed. Bubbling over with the words my sister in Christ was allowing to flow through her from God. Think into about what being faithful to God brings and te privileges I can afford from delighting myself in The Lord. 

Psalms 37:4 reminds us that if we delight ourselves in The Lord he will give us the secret desires of our hearts!! 

All I wanted was my more than enough to take care of my hold. A few real and authentic sister friends. And some real love. 

I found all three in just my short walk. I’ve fallen. I get back up. The Lord keeps using me. He keeps blessing me. And I keep giving him the praise and worship he is due!!

So no thank you. To the ones that want to come back in. 

I saw then tired look in his eyes and hoped he remembered my reminder to not let chicago eat him alive but from the looks of things that’s exactly what he was doing. Letting the partying and people who were headed nowhere keep him from reaching his own goals. 

Yep. See me. But most importantly see the God in me. The greater is he that lives in me than the one whos in the world!! See what all God has done for my life and understand why I can’t let those who dream so small and let others keep them from teaching their goals back in.

The end!!

I’d rather live in his world

I have grandmas number stored in my phone as G-Ma. 

Because she’s a G!

Little feisty woman. All five foot even of her. The woman who used to tuck her .38 under her hefty bosom. The woman who used to run down the street to join in on whomever was trying to fight my daddy. The little woman who would whoop my grandfathers whores down. The ones who would be all in his face, in his lounge, and smile while talking to her girlfriend who walked in afterwards as if nothing of the sort ever happened.

She’d tell the women who would call looking for money he kept his jar for cash for women in the garage. You know the ones who liked to put their mouth in places where the sun didn’t shine. They could go out there and do what they do to get what they needed. She would remind them that cause was his wife and wasn’t going to do those types of disgraceful things!

But her words were a tad bit more vulgar.

Yep. She a G to me. Probably where I get most of my crazy from. 

She taught me a lot.

I just never wanted to learn how to stand in a relationship through thick and thin. 

I never had the time for the foolishness. But it was more like I never found one I wanted to go through the storm of life with.

Until now.

But I asked her today. With all she had to go through with my grandfather would she do it again. 

She said. I’d rather live in your world than live without you. 

In the words of Ms. Knight. Midnight train to Georgia style!

I had something to think about.

She said to me. I, much like my momma and daddy, am kinda stiff hearted and crazy.

See they were supposed to be together. They loved and they were a couple who made others smile just to see them. 

But my daddy did something. My momma reacted. She took me away and by the time he wanted to make amends it was too late. My mother had stipulations my father wouldn’t meet. They parted ways.

My father died alone at the age of 39. He should’ve been at the hospital. My mother with her penchant for nagging would’ve made sure he was at the hospital and maybe his life would’ve been spared. 

And maybe if they had been together when she was diagnosed with breast cancer he wouldve made her go to the hospital. He would’ve made her get treatment. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to be an orphan in this world. 

Orphan as I see it. 

Maybe when pride gets in the way we forget that children are the ones who get lost in the cross fire and they wind up losing what they need the most. 

Us: we get so caught up in nothingness that was never supposed to separate us in the first place.

For the first time in my life I found someone. I’d rather live in his world. Than live without him in mine. I don’t want to imagine what that world looks like. Not for real. Not forever. It felt like I finally met my puzzle piece. 

I might have a little flare for the dramatics. Maybe I’ll find the feeling again. But my momma never did. My father never did. You love who you love and can’t help it. 

So to the fathers. Think of your children. Hold your pride. Take the time to figure out what’s best for you and yours. 

Sometimes staying with someone just to be there creates more problems. But if you rather live with that person in their world, than live without them in your own make things work. Make it right. For the family and for your own betterment as a man.

See my grandma. Spoiled by this man she been through the fire with. Sits in her husbands retirement chair. He chose the chair just for her thinking that after all the years of his 12 hour days of work, two hours of travel time, he still wanted to make sure the woman who had been ironing his shirts, cooking his food, taking care of his children and his household was comfortable. 

See G-Ma sits there praying for his health and strength. And at 80. 81 in October he can’t stay in retirement and still works 12 hour days, fixes my car, and my cousins and bathtub. He paints the building and cuts the grass on his off days. He has more than enough money for someone else to do it. But he still keeps on going. 

See the man that finds a wife. A wife. Not a woman who tears down, but who Prays for and strengthens him and is a helpmate. Not helping herself to that which will keep him down but helps lift him up. Works side by side as a team. The man who finds that has found favor with God.

So appreciate your good thing. Stop trying to look outside of what you have. God has blessed you!  

Again happy Father’s Day my fathers out there. I hope y’all all find the blessings that my G-Ma and grandfather have sustained all 65+years. Love that’s meant to last.

Love that lasts. 

See when I learned what Love was because I learned who God is and God is love. I know love.

The enemy comes to kill steal and destroy with the fairy tales of intolerance of what love is. But Jesus came to give life and give it abundantly. So believe God. Know God. Know love. Know self and know lovig the one who makes you your best self!!

I’ve decided. I’d rather live in his world. Than live without him in mine.

I had to go

Dear So and So.

I’m sorry I had to go.

I had to change my number and erase yours

Because I cannot allow you to hurt me anymo’.

Yes. It’s that simple.

I’m a different breed of person. Most people fear change so when it’s time to let go of something that is hurtful they still cling on for dear life.

Not I. I let go and move on and very rarely look back.

So so and so. You hurt me. You lied. You cheated me out of my time, other options and opportunities, friendships and my personal self worth and esteem.

You treated me of little value then manipulated me by trying to send messages that would tug on my heart strings when you had no intentions of doing right by me.

You shoulda sent me flowers. 

As an apology.

You shoulda wrote me a poem. Then invited me to an open mic and recited it for me. You shoulda wined and dined me. 

Forget all that. 

You shoulda told me the truth.


Honesty to let me know you valued me enough to tell me the truth because you love me enough to not want to lose me because I cannot stay when someone lies.

The fastest way to get me to move out of anyone’s life is to lie to me and I find out you were lying. 

How can we move forward if I can’t trust the words of your mouth?

So so and so. I hope this season you don’t try to find me. I don’t want you bringing any numbers to place on my car windshield.

So so and so. I hope this season doesn’t have you calling our mutual friend to try and connect.

So so and so. Forget about the seed you left behind. I can’t even get any help from your family because of continuous lies. Because none of y’all have te decency to care for her life. Because my daughter should not be asking the friends of her father to be her father, when that man has too much on his plate already, but he loves children so much he’s willing to give what he doesn’t have to give.

Dear so and so. Please stop telling people you even knew me.

Dear so and so. The last so and so. After all the culminations of so and sos. I hate I met everyone else before I did you. I wish things could have been different. I wish you would be honest about your truth enough to bring it to Jesus so he can fix, change and rearrange. I wish our love had a fair shake and shot. I hope I see you again and forgiveness is in your heart. I hope you understand I asked what I asked in a non judge mental place. See I don’t care if you are or aren’t. If you did or you didn’t. Love is… More than this foolishness here.

But. For everyone else. I had to go. I chose y’all but I don’t have to keep choosing what’s not good for me.

Goodbye. Adios. Adieu. And goodnight. Thanks for the lessons. But I’d rather not carry the weight of all of you into my new season with God. I hope I left my mark. I hope God imprinted his with the words he sent through me.

Be blessed.. Always!

Fleshly Desires

Galatians 5:18-25 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 

Okay so we got that out the way. 

I almost got out my body a week or so ago. 

It all started with one drink. Already I had defiled my temple, and how could I be the temple for the holy spirit when I am doing one of the things that won’t get me into the Kingdom of God. drunkenness. I can try to act like I just had a drink to have one, but what fun is having a drink if Its not to get drunk. I mean the flesh that is in constant war with the spirit wants what it desires.

That drink. Led me to another place and another and another, and now I am giving my flesh exactly what it wants. 

An all out cursing match with someone I am supposed to be loving. 

He zero tolerance and so am I. 

So eff it.

and we did. We effed it and left it right there.

But I still got them keys, and he got my clothes, hair dryer, womens products, shampoo, conditioner, etc etc etc of mine at his house.

But I’m not ready. I’m not ready to let pride get me to saying some more things I regret and falling deeper into the pit of quicksand. I’m not ready to see him to exchange all of our stuff because this couldnt have been a coincidence.

The day he got on my bus, i felt the urge to spruce myself up and put on a little perfume. I had been looking a mess for a couple of weeks in my feelings about peoples misbehaving. But here he comes, he had been looking for me. 

That next day, ex one and two and three trying to distract me from getting to him. Ex one made my hair fall out in 2013 with all his lies, game playing and alibis and he was hiding a relationship he just came clean about recently on the actual day he called. ex two is a cruel man unkind to children and women. Known to be a pimp he likes to call being a mac, and he hit my daughter on top of her head because she accidently kicked him excited to be eating at the restaurant. I woulda tried to fight him, but the reasoning person I am today said, Radiance, he’s 325 pounds. youre not going to win this fight. then ex three sent me to jail, and I had to sit in the county and once released had to try and figure out how I was going to get the transfers to get back to the jail where my wallet was.

yeah all those options were a no go so I headed to what I believe to be my future.

and we went to church together the next day.

His pastor was preaching about how when it was time to find Isaac a wife Abraham didn’t want him to have any woman from the world. So he sent his servant with a nose ring and some other trinkets and gifts, to fetch Rebecca. 

Yes!! Whenever anyone says anything about a woman of God having a nose ring, I give them that account of Rebecca. 

Read your word.

Know God is not a God of the outside appearance, so forget what you think you knew about Him. Read His word and meet him for real.

Anyway. That was all the confirmation I needed to move forward.

Then whenever we would get upset with each other and I would go in in prayer, and he would be like okay bae. Lets go in the house, forget this stuff. 

When we would wake up in the morning and I would read him the scriptures that came through my text messages and we would have great days from there. 

When I went through his house praying and fell to my knees in worship and the music from youtube went from Taylor swift to worship music. 

When he reminded me not to cry but to pray.

When I’m usually eating everything in sight, but with him I didnt have a desire to eat anything and was not hungry. I fed myself off the word of God and in prayer.

How could this man be wrong for me?

But when I quenched the Holy Spirit and decided to go after my fleshly desires and the fruitages of the Holy Spirit couldnt be seen in my behaviors. Peace was missing. Love that bears all things was gone. Forbearance was gone. 

I looked that up. That means a desire to not retaliate. That tit for tat. Because since he was outside in the streets I went to the club.

But I stood on the wall crying half dutty whining. My lil sister grabbing me by my arm like nah we not doing this up in here. I didnt even have a drink and didnt want to be there. I just wanted to be wrapped up in the arms of my man.

I just wanted to cradle his face smothering it with kisses.

I didnt want to be fighting. I didnt want to be hurting like this. Because our meeting was not by chance or by accident. There was no coincidence.

So I have learned a valuable lesson. 

The Holy Spirit leads me into all understanding and truth. He helps me maintain the self control that is required for me to stand as a woman of God and not fall back into the old behaviors that had me caught up in a worldly lifestyle.

So. Now I let my flesh die. Let His Spirit. God the Holy Spirit rise up and purge me so he can reside in me because greater is He who is in me than He who is in the world.

yep. no coincidences. The Holy Spirit led me. I made choices. But just because I fell dont mean I stay down. I make ammends and keep it moving. Moving forward and upward. God has a plan.

So I let His plan be made manifest in my life, but being a willing participant.

Its time to grow up and make better decisions.

I can only do that with Gods help!

proud to be

I finally let my hair down.

Unlike Rapunzel and the head full of hair that flows like a river, straight that sits on the head of a black woman that she usually has paid good money for. Yes. I let my natural hair out.

My coils are tight and kinky. My hair is reddish blonde. I am finding comfort in my own tresses.

My natural hair.

I have finally fallen in love with me.

When i fell in love with me and decided to wear my natural hair my little girl who looks up to me and wants to do everything I do said she wanted to wear her hair like mine.

So as she walks into her classroom all of her classmates laugh at her.

Her teacher shut that down really fast. But my daughter innocently asked why were her friends laughing at her.

I knew it was about her hair, but I had to explain that sometimes when people see things that they havent seen before they dont know how to respond so they laugh.

I told her that she was confident and beautiful. that to be different was a blessing. We break the mold, not make it. We dont follow the crowd, we leaders of the pack.

Females been following suit for years. I never saw skinny leg jeans in Chicago or leg warmers wrapped around skinny leg jeans bright colors and an arm full of different colored bracelets before I started doing me in 2007. Then the fad trend began. 

I have never had a problem being different.

so i wonder why now I have a problem with my voice being different from others. The rest of the world is looking for a different sound. But I’m always trying to make my voice sound like someone who already has a sound. I’m Radiance, how could I be anyone else?

So. As my daughter and I walk around with our kinky coiled hair wild and free we enjoy being different.

Why be anyone else when you can be yourself. The faster you get to you the faster the people that are meant to be for you will come to you. 

I guess I will stop trying to be anything other than me. When God looked back at his creation he saw that it was good. He looks at me and since he created me I am good. My lashes are fine the way they are.  an extension of the real thing can’t be better than the design maker made them to be. Straight flowing hair that belongs on the head of a brazilian woman wont make me an African American woman any more good than these coils that are drawn up so my beautiful features can be seen and accentuated. Nails that extend from my hands wont make me anymore of a lady, cat like in clawing for attention to be seen.

But it took losing someone I love to realize that the love for self never leaves, and was never based on that persons love in the first love. Because my first love, God, never left me, and when He looked at all he created he said it was Good.

So yes I am good. I hope you’re good too.

Real love

i am a sucker for love.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? A one, a two…

Y’all remember that owl, and then he just crunched the top.

That’s all people doing these days is crunching the top off love. They not taking the time to really get to know people, and because of that they call love lust and desire. It’s easy to walk away from lust and desire because you can always lust and desire something else, but love that takes time not so much.

A one, a two.

These men I once thought I loved I must not have. I walked away so easily. But isn’t love patient? Isn’t love kind? And I said some pretty harsh things to many. 

I can finally say now I love love for loves sake. The newness of it all. The summer breeze, and smell of freshly cut grass, June time weddings type love. New and exciting. 

But that stay in the darkness through thick and thin. That ahold someone down while they in a dank place. 

Nah. I’m not for all that.

I wasn’t. But…

So. It’s something about how when you’re finally introduced to that type of love. When you see it in action. It just changed me.

See all this time I been looking for it in a man. Looking outside of myself. But when I finally recognized it for what it really is, I saw eyes that look like mine in light bright skinned face and see real love. As she sits up with her funny quips about how she sees life in a five year olds mind. As she clings to me and wants to wear her natural hair because it’s pretty because I wear mine that way. As she walks a mile in my shoes and I pray to God that He never allows the tragedies that have befallen me in my life to come upon her. I want her to walk down an aisle princess fairy tale type wedding with waterfalls at the altar like fresh rain falling on planted lilies representing the new life that will be emerging from the bond she is about to make.

I never want her to go from man to man losing parts of herself with each encounter leaving her damaged goods as I often feel myself to be.

I discipline her in love. No. She can’t have everything she wants. If she does how will she learn how to continue to press forward when she is uncomfortable? So if she is destined to be one of Alvin Aileys dancers as I watch the way her legs move gracefully when she walks on tip toes naturally, how will that happen if she can’t stand to not have things her way.

I don’t think most dancers enjoy having their toes crunched and damaged, but the graceful ways their bodies glide across stages make people like me who enjoy the arts clap, cry, triumph, and scream in delight.

The pleasure that comes with such pain.

So. All this time. I have been looking for love. It was right in my face.

I sat today on my lunch break with my daughter on my lap. I love her. So I loved on her. She is old enough to communicate with me now that she misses me so much when I go to work. That I never spend time with her. Not like I used to before I started working. Not the everyday in the park time. Not the finding something fun to do outside the park and home at least once a month. 

I connected with her. And when I got off work three hours later, she was knocked out. She felt the peace of being wanted. And the joy of being loved. 

I never got that. So I spent a lifetime looking for that outside of me, and outside my home. Typically in the arms of a man.

Now I know where to find true love. In God, in me, and in my daughter.

No more bamboozlement. If a person is in my life I have no problems loving them unconditionally, but they don’t have to be an asset to my life if they don’t and won’t love me and my daughter the ways we deserve. 

No more looking. I been had my real love. 

So I wrap it and stay cloaked with the favor that God has placed in my life because of her.

Finders keepers

As I am riding the bus with a coworker something urges me to ask about his relationship status.

Mind you he is handsome but I’ve had my fill of young boys thinking because they carried the family as boys they are a man. 

Emotionally they can’t do anything with a woman like me so they seek to stifle my creativity and change me.

Anyway he says he has a good woman. I say keep her.

I hate when women see a woman interacting with a man and automatically assume she is trying to get that man for herself.

I’m the woman that sends married men home. Allows men who find out they have a baby on the way after just getting involved with me to go and pursue family life with the woman before me. Who allows men to find happiness where they can. 

I love with no conditions. If their lives include me in the equation awesome! If not even better. Because the seeds I sow in the man to get him to be faithful to his woman will come into my life later on for the man that I will spend the rest of my life with.

So I’m talking to a man I dated a couple of years ago. That same urge came upon me to ask him about his new relationship. After he called asking to see me. But I just felt it. I felt his fear in moving forward into the present. So what happens when we fear the future? We go back to the past thinking it holds some of the comfort that will help us. When in actuality all it does in hinders us as we get confused about the person we left behind for a reason and the person we are choosing in our new season.

I tell him though as I find out when he began the relationship that she must be the one. I could remember crying just days before my birthday telling him God put that urge and tug in my spirit for me to let him go. I watched him grow. 

I watched him put down guns and street life. I watched him leave the ghettos of Chicago for the suburbs and a job he can retire from instead of the dead end one he was at. 

I allowed God to use me in his life so of course now I tell him don’t mess this relationship up. Move forward and don’t look back like Lots wife. Don’t get stuck in something that was never supposed to matter.

So to everyone. Who feels nervous about moving into a new life it’s okay. It’s life. Maybe a little fear keeps us humbled so we never get too puffed up with pride. And we all know God can’t move in prideful people. 

I’m moving forward. I’m helping my brothers move forward. Because it won’t ever happen for the black family until the black male stands up and takes on his assigned role as the leader of the family. Women have been trying to carry something that our bodies and minds were never designed and created to do in the first place. That’s why in bible times the closest male relatives would take on the role of husband to a woman because she was never created to be the head of a home. 

So. Sisters let your man lead. Men lead and when you find a good woman keep her.

Because the man who FINDS a wife. Finds a good thing!