i am a sucker for love.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? A one, a two…

Y’all remember that owl, and then he just crunched the top.

That’s all people doing these days is crunching the top off love. They not taking the time to really get to know people, and because of that they call love lust and desire. It’s easy to walk away from lust and desire because you can always lust and desire something else, but love that takes time not so much.

A one, a two.

These men I once thought I loved I must not have. I walked away so easily. But isn’t love patient? Isn’t love kind? And I said some pretty harsh things to many. 

I can finally say now I love love for loves sake. The newness of it all. The summer breeze, and smell of freshly cut grass, June time weddings type love. New and exciting. 

But that stay in the darkness through thick and thin. That ahold someone down while they in a dank place. 

Nah. I’m not for all that.

I wasn’t. But…

So. It’s something about how when you’re finally introduced to that type of love. When you see it in action. It just changed me.

See all this time I been looking for it in a man. Looking outside of myself. But when I finally recognized it for what it really is, I saw eyes that look like mine in light bright skinned face and see real love. As she sits up with her funny quips about how she sees life in a five year olds mind. As she clings to me and wants to wear her natural hair because it’s pretty because I wear mine that way. As she walks a mile in my shoes and I pray to God that He never allows the tragedies that have befallen me in my life to come upon her. I want her to walk down an aisle princess fairy tale type wedding with waterfalls at the altar like fresh rain falling on planted lilies representing the new life that will be emerging from the bond she is about to make.

I never want her to go from man to man losing parts of herself with each encounter leaving her damaged goods as I often feel myself to be.

I discipline her in love. No. She can’t have everything she wants. If she does how will she learn how to continue to press forward when she is uncomfortable? So if she is destined to be one of Alvin Aileys dancers as I watch the way her legs move gracefully when she walks on tip toes naturally, how will that happen if she can’t stand to not have things her way.

I don’t think most dancers enjoy having their toes crunched and damaged, but the graceful ways their bodies glide across stages make people like me who enjoy the arts clap, cry, triumph, and scream in delight.

The pleasure that comes with such pain.

So. All this time. I have been looking for love. It was right in my face.

I sat today on my lunch break with my daughter on my lap. I love her. So I loved on her. She is old enough to communicate with me now that she misses me so much when I go to work. That I never spend time with her. Not like I used to before I started working. Not the everyday in the park time. Not the finding something fun to do outside the park and home at least once a month. 

I connected with her. And when I got off work three hours later, she was knocked out. She felt the peace of being wanted. And the joy of being loved. 

I never got that. So I spent a lifetime looking for that outside of me, and outside my home. Typically in the arms of a man.

Now I know where to find true love. In God, in me, and in my daughter.

No more bamboozlement. If a person is in my life I have no problems loving them unconditionally, but they don’t have to be an asset to my life if they don’t and won’t love me and my daughter the ways we deserve. 

No more looking. I been had my real love. 

So I wrap it and stay cloaked with the favor that God has placed in my life because of her.

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