My daughter just wanted to say Happy Fathers day to her own dad for fathers day.

I accidently erased his number from my phone.

he only texts me to remind me of how I have ruined his life because of the misdemeanor his handiwork got him charged with. 

But if only you keep your hands to yourself. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you. Not really. They may cut, but if you know who you are…

Like the man that came to help me with my broken down bus the other day said. A man only gets angry with the words of a woman if the words hit close to home. So for real. You give yourself away with anger. 

I still can’t help who and what I love. It is what it is. Love is not based on stipulations. Love loves no matter what the conditions.

Anyway. SInce I dont have his number, I call his mother. She doesnt pick up. I just wanted to tell her my daughter has her own number he can call. I mean this man only calls me to tell em how much he dislikes me, and harass me. With long irrational texts when I am trying to just live my normal life. The last time he sent texts like that, I was sitting on a mans couch who grew up with him, maybe at one time he called his friend, or brother. So he made my choice easy for me.

I chose to walk away from the emotional and mental abuse. The name calling, and irrational behavior to accept the loving arms of his boy. 

Why would I still be holding on to loyalty to someone who let his girlfriend drag me through the streets. Who lied and said I put my hands on him so I had to pay $3,000 dollars for a lawyer to clear my name from domestic battery charges? Who called me more B*%$#’s than I have ever been called in my life. The only man that has ever been in my life to ever have done so. Who left me to raise my child alone before he ever lost anything, and only bought a couple of outfits for my daughter when he was working everyday and had more than enough since he never had rent to pay or car notes to pay for.

I’m guessing thats why his mother ignored my calls. I’m guessing that when he called his friend to see what was going on with us he didnt like the answer he recieved. 

We grown. It’s life.

No it wasnt a move in vindicativeness. It was an I wanna be happy, and who makes these street rules anyway? Why not live and find happiness? Who makes these rules about who to love. And why do we let our pride get in the way to let go of the people that make us feel good. Why do we let our selfishness get in the way thinking we are hurting the next person by walking away from what brought us peace, happiness and love? 

Especially a person who draws us closer to God??

who really bites off their nose to spite their face?

You wanna walk around with your face all ugly because your nose which was the center of it all made you mad, so you get rid of your center. What people focus on when they see you because of some stupidness?

Anyway. On the eve of my mothers birthday I find no sadness. I been searching for a family since she died. But I only want what God says is mine. 

I see my coworkers looking at me crazy because of the love I show the men who I have encouraged a time or two. You know. Reminded them why its important to keep trash out of their marriages. I have sent married men home, and reminded them to put their wives first. I have encouraged friends to make ammends with their long time girlfriends when I feel God saying thats where he needs to be. I have encouraged men to give a new relationship a fair shot. There will be bumps in the road. In anything in life there are bumps. But what about the one who wants to go through the bumps with you and then put the healing salve on after the anger subsides.

See in this relationship I was pursuing. He said in the beginning that we would not go to bed mad. He reminded me to pray. But the night we had a big fight we didnt pray and went to bed for days mad, and gave way to the devil to come in. 

Its not right but its ok. Like the Apostle Paul I can see the gift of my singleness by serving the Lord with all my heart. I can dance in my home like I am one of the yielded vessels of my church’s dance ministry. I can jump up and down until I exhaust myself. I can write blogs to remind people of the goodness of God and the gift He gave us through our Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I can focus on my daughter. I can sing and keep my worship music on as loud as I want it. I can bow and lay prostrate before the Lord without having to explain to my mate why I can’t answer his phone call right now. I am free. 

I’m not just a worshipper on the altar of the church I attend. I am a worshipper for real. I’m a glory carrier. Even when I want to fall out and cry I know there are others who dont know the gift of being able to walk with Christ as he strips the things that have hurt me from my heart. So I let them see the joy of the Lord and the love of Christ permeating through me.

So yes. I once looked for a family to replace my mother and the family that was bound to her but walked away from me after her death. But Jesus.

Matthew 12:50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother. 

See I been searching. But my sister who tells me of her obedience to God and the struggle she has had with her own changes. Who sends me emails reminding me of Gods love. Who sends me scriptures. My BFF who lets God use him as he walks in obedience to become who God created him to become and reminds me that I am a good woman who any man who wants to build for life would love to have keep and hold. My childhood friend turned sister in Christ who let God use her to pray and break something off me that was holding me hostage as I kept beating myself up for not having that family of ten I always wanted, so my children would never know the loneliness of being an only child. My Spiritual mother who watches my daughter when I have no one else to turn to. My many sisters in Christ who remind me not to hold onto the things that the enemy sent to hurt me. Yes Lord. I have a family.

All I had to do was accept them.

So I no longer need to hold onto my mother. I promised her two things on her death bed. I would be alright, and I would perform. Or as she said, “Show me you can do something better with your life than drinking it and smoking it away.”

Ratchedness used to be all I knew. But God. But change!

What a blessing to walk into a new life. With a new family, and new understanding of how to be better.

yes. Now I can finally learn to let go to let God.

I believe I just did!


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