My Proverbs Project

I just spent the last thirty one days sharing love, light and the word with nine women. Me included makes ten. 

Shorties we was tens, tens, tens. 

There were also Ten Commandments. So maybe some researchers are right on when they say ten represents Gods governmental rule and our obedience to the laws that we are governed by.

I know that I am calling out to wisdom these days.

So I happen to notice a status the other day. Something someone said about non blood relations not being sisters.

Anyway.

Sisterhood.

I have sisters. We went over proverbs together. And we fellowshipped, conversed and shared love. I mean when I was feeling really low yesterday here come my sis with this message…

  
How beautiful. See we understand that God places people in our lives for reasons.

Another friend. I never called her my sister because she was my best friend. But I bought prom dresses like a big sister. Bought her first cell phone like a big sister. And when I rolled over and saw her and my ex together intimately I forgave her like a big sister. Eventually. Not immediately. After….

Yeah. Praise God for new beginnings. Praise God for maturity. See she and I were children. And sometimes children, and young adults do things they will never be proud of, and wish we could take back. but we have an enemy.

His job is to make us walk head held down in shame and condemnation. His job is to constantly remind us of who we were before meeting Christ! But God reminds us that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. We are a new creation in Christ. I am not who I used to be. So if you’re looking for her, and want to remind others of who I used to be be careful that God doesn’t begin judging you for all the sins you’ve done yourself. And not childhood repeats of what you’ve seen. But full fledged grown up choices to neglect what you knew to be the right thing to do. What others will never know Hod will always know.

Don’t be so caught up in judging others that you forget to repent of your own stuff. Because we are responsible for our own stuff before we can point fingers at others. You know the story of straws and trees on eyes. 

Judge lest not you be judged. By the true judge. The one who has forgiveness in the palm of his hands and He forgives us the way we forgive others.

Amen!

So here we are. We are loving. Sharing. We are growing in wisdom. We are letting the word of God be a light to our pathway. We are moving forward leaving those things behind. Wisdom is so welcome here that I shared the sentiment with one of my sisters that I want to do this again in August.

See some sisters I just met since joining my church. One even so recent as joining the choir. But one has been my sister for over twenty years. We used to joke with our peers saying we were blood. We lied and said, We had the same father. But this same sister sat on the side of me at my fathers funeral when none of my blood joined me. Same sister waited in courtrooms for, yeah, praise God for his mercy and grace!!!

Newer sisters offered help with my daughter and some of the words that just kept me uplifted, man, praise God! He is faithful to send everything I need. 

I took a break from interacting with the fellas this month. I realized the only thing I miss having a man for is cleaning out my car and taking out trash. So since I’m pretty much straight on the guy level I guess I will enjoy single life until My Heavenly Father changes my relationship status. 

So. 

I guess my healing and deliverance from the pain of my past came in July! Praise God. No longer a need to share what once hurt because now I find freedom to be me!

August. A new proverbs month. 31 days of sharing the proverbs with you all! I hope you stick around to enjoy the wisdom that comes from the living word of God! It has changed my life immensely. I hope it changes yours as well!!!

A beautiful Life: Freedoms way!

So.

Thecincinnati chronicles  began Friday night.

I worked an 8 hour shift got off and took my daughter to her granny’s house.

So. I’m ready to leave and who do I see walking in? 

My daughters baby sister. Who just so happens to be only eight months younger than my daughter. So whatever to those people who got the side eye thing going on when I talk about being in love with my baby daddy’s friend. Like he said. We weren’t together. 

I mean for real!! I am determined to love and be good to who is good to me, while aiming to love everybody with the love of Christ. 

But even Jesus was selective about His inner circle. John, James and Peter sound familiar?

Anyway. I guess seeing my daughters father walk in with this baby momma, obviously together, when my daughter just saw him week before last at the other baby sisters house, was supposed to make me feel some type of way.

The devil need to come with new tricks because obviously I’m over that. I’ve moved on. I can only allow so much hurt and pain from one person that I never created a covenant with. Praise God for no marriage vows!! Because now a days that’s a whole different story.

Whatever tho! I am determined to enjoy my trip!

I only have a couple hours of sleep before I get up, catch the bus downtown to get my bus.

Now the waiting game.

All the while I’m praying and men that spend their life preying see a woman alone and I become a target. But my prayer gets answered almost immediately. A man coming out of nowhere comes right in the middle of the man and I. 

Talk about a spirit led life.

He was homeless but told me many stories of how he doesn’t have to put his change cup out he offers assistance to tourists and they bless him with money. One gave him $23 dollars. 

I didn’t have much I give him. I had thirty dollars to last me my trip. But i had a band that would bring him to my church, and some information about the CTA’s second chance program.

Anyway. I get on my bus and make it to cincinnati. I meet a lady. She picked me out the crowd. Of course. My run on sentences aren’t exclusively reserved for my blogs. I’m a chatterbox in real life. If I can feel you. And if that feeling makes me feel good. Male or female it doesn’t matter. I will talk your ear off!

So. We exchange numbers. I invite her to church, for her younger family members and she’s giving me so many pearls of wisdom! I do love my elders for the gems and pearls of thought!

Anyway. Once in Cincinnati I decide to see the sights and I’m in the hood. But I’ve been sent to a market that just so happens to be past an area that has long been forgotten. Renovation efforts look to be far few and in between.

But along the way I meet more people. I share words of love and light. We talk about life. And my excitement can’t be contained about the live music my ears have been waiting for.

I decided to cancel my hotel room. Stop isolating myself in seclusion and get ready.

I told the man who was trying to bait me in my aunt and uncle was at the concert. I knew they were in cincinnati but they didn’t know I was there so I didn’t know if I would see them. But I did.

  
So I sit down and a married woman and man come and sit next to me.

Her green eyes seemingly look past me dismissively. They don’t speak. But a few minutes later two women come and sit next to me. They introduce themselves as wives and they loved, and laughed and talked to me.

  
I got ants in my pants and I wanna dance so I never could sit down! They watched the bag that held the extra clothes I changed out of to make my night memorable.

So.

Mali Music. One of my Facebook friends put me on to Mali Music. And He represented our savior all night long!

  
And then Ms. Avery Sunshine. She’s a believer. And then Kem. Beautiful Kem. He gave God glory and had a word of encouragement that brought tears to my eyes.

Could it be my father strategically placing His people outside the four walls of a church to bring church to the masses. 

Jesus said wherever there are two or three gathered together he is in the midst.

God also reminded us that he reads the heart while man looks at the outer man. 

See the two ladies on my right were so kind they offered to pick me up for the next festival from my bus stop and give me a place to rest my head in their own home. 

I mean how will people let you in without love and trust that you will not hurt them or attack them the way the world does continually. People are hurting. Jesus commanded us. COMMANDED, Not asked or suggested for us to love. His laws are for his followers. And the only way a person will become a follower of Christ is to know His love. His love is greater than anything!

See I know what shunning looks like. The religion of my youth puts people out for them to no longer be spoken to for smoking cigarettes, fornication, adultery, etc. 

that’s why I aim to love.

I had to leave in the middle of Jill Scott’s performance and met another beautiful woman. She saw her friend in a compromising position and pulled her out of it! I reminded her how good a friend she was and she loved my light and spirit as she said that she adopted me as her little sister. 

Perfect for the next outing since she works for a luxury hotel.

See we are placed to be in people’s lives to be light. In the middle of darkness because we don’t know te troubles their lives have seen. 

But love.

It changes things.

Love for self makes way for freedom.

And when I get outside I finally look up and see the road I traveled on to get to the concert.

  
Yes. My heart. My life. My love is free. No more bondage or captivity. The lady with the pearl pants reminded me of the beauty of individuality. I wasn’t born to adapt to the mold, but to break out of the confines on mans narrow mind. 

Te God I serve is too big to be trapped into other people’s expectations of me.

I can assure you I may never meet them. But my aim is to surpass them.

Only God has the final say so. So praise Him for His exclusive wisdom!!

Live life laugh love. Just like that. Because you’re worth it!!

  

The struggle within

so. 

I’m talking to my daughters granny Sunday.

Life, love and the usual rigmarole. 

Because whenever we get together it’s like old girlfriends who haven’t seen each other in ages and the conversation goes on and on, and on and on. E. Badu style.

But we’re finishing off the conversation about me catching feelings for her son’s friend. She got confirmation from her daughter that my friend, her sons old friend, is a good guy. They talked about him being good to his kids, and how well he cooks. And man. To my inner and outer fat girl I think it’s harder to let go of the reminder of those greens I was almost slurping up than anything else. Not really but you get the picture.

Anyway. She’s reminding me to sometimes just let things go. Be easy. Chill out. 

It’s so true. I was a relationship sabotager. Before I loved me I couldn’t fathom how another could possibly love me. So I be messing up. It’s that fruitage of the spirit, self control I was lacking. 

Anyway. I let her know why I was so crazy with her son.

My mother had just died.

I had no religion. No place to worship. I was a distant memory from the religion of my youth. But even still everything I wanted, whether I asked God for or not, he would give it to me. I got so arrogant with it that when I didn’t get something, or someone, I just said I must not have wanted it bad enough. So of course, I just took for granted that God knew I needed my momma. I didn’t even bother to ask him to save her life. I mean I had spent the summer working eighty hours each week, for the first eight weeks in A management training program and as a security guard, at night. 

But all that chasing money had me losing what I valued most, when really all I ever was supposed to do was love God first and he would add all other things unto me. 

My aunt kept telling me on the phone to pray, I kept telling her what the doctors were saying. And screaming like a maniac, it’s too late!!!

Anyway. I reminded my baby’s granny, who knows what it feels like to lose a mother, of the pain. She finally nodded understanding.

So.

Here I am yesterday. Just so happen we are riding past the tent I would avoid like the plague as a young teen. Madison and Laramie. The tent been around the corner from where I grew up all my life, before I left for Boston, but I never believed there would be anything from God under there for me.

But two years ago. Jesus! What a powerful name!!

So yesterday.Tye Tribbett is giving a good word. 

Genesis 32: 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 

Right before Jacob became Isreal he wrestled.

Tye posed a question. I shall paraphrase.

What if we all wrestled like Jacob, but it was with our inner wo/man, the person who is need of change? The person who needed to submit to God. And we have to break something before we give in?

How many times do I have to go through heartache from a man who loves the streets more than he loves me before I am willing to submit to a man of God’s love? How many drunken calls will I excuse? And his inability to cherish me like Christ does the church because He doesn’t even know much about Christ to know how he is supposed to love me? How many fake friends will I accept just to be accepted? When God is showing me the beauty in me to be a leader, stepping out in faith alone, knowing that He is guiding my every move.

I mean. The kind and wonderful woman that sat next to me at the Cincinnati fest said she wished she could be like me, willing to adventure life alone and still be able to enjoy herself.

No fear.

Didn’t proverbs remind me yesterday? About being careful about those friendships.

Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses. 

The commentary says, 27:6 Who would prefer a friend’s wounds to an enemy’s kisses? Anyone who considers the source. A friend who has your best interests at heart may have to give you unpleasant advice at times, but you know it is for your own good. An enemy, by contrast, may whisper sweet words and happily send you on your way to ruin. We tend to hear what we want to hear, even if an enemy is the only one who will say it. A friend’s advice, no matter how painful, is much more valuable.

I need real, and why do I have to go through pain in order to be willing to reach for it. I’ve been in bed, heartbroken for the month of July sleeping too much, or exercising too much. Really? I’ve only combed my hair one time this month. Trust me. This natural thing wasn’t supposed to be this natural. I was going through, but I’m coming out.
See it wasn’t that I couldn’t have what I wanted. I just couldn’t have him sober, he wouldn’t sober up for me. I couldn’t have him put me first, baby momma got me moved out the place he gave me. Oh well for that.

Every good and PERFECT gift comes from the Lord. So patience.

No need to run into pretense and profitability. Because sometimes people only enter into your inner circle to see what they can gain from the interaction. Failed relationships, love and friendships have cost me much. 

Literally.

Win some, lose some. It’s life it goes on.

So now. I struggle. I write poems I don’t want to recite. Maybe they’re not good enough. I’ve written a book or two, that maybe no one will want to read.

But Jay Ivy told me. One day. As he signed his book for me that I would be doing the same for him.

  
Maybe that lady was right. I am my own worst enemy. And what do you do to enemies? You fight them. Maybe I have been wrestling with myself. Wrestling with my potential for greatness. Wrestling with my possible accomplishments. Wrestling with going back to school. 

Graduating with a 3.7 with an associates degree is nothing to a self sabotager, when she has gotten kicked out of UIC.

Yes, I. Shaking my head at me. Not in pity, but in disbelief. 

I can travel alone, drive 60foot vehicles, deal with Chicago’s west side public and I’m afraid of an itty bitty pen. 

To sign up for school? To revise poems for delivery and execution of style? To edit novels?

No. No. No.

Change soon come.

I let someone call me Jua’Donna. He was afraid to call me Radiance maybe? He ran from my light. I cried. He tried to return, but I have a hard time letting exes come back. You shouldn’t have left. So he left again.

For real fellas. The only reason a woman leaves is for you to come and get her. 

Where’s the chivalry?

But for the persistent type, like my running to make sure he not late to pick me up. Calling singing me songs on the pay phone. Bogarting the  line to make sure my free tickets for Jilly from Philly doesn’t go to waste with us being too far behind the cut off point for the almost to capacity club. Yep that ex got chances. A heart once reserved for him found freedom in God.

The struggle for me has always been within.

But victory. It’s in store. Right around the corner. I see victory waving, and I’ve got my white flag of surrender.

Like my daughter told me last night. “God says be brave.”

So. I shall.

The Spirit will always lead, but how broken will I have to be to follow?

It could all be so simple

It really could be so simple.

My last day of probation and as I’m headed to the babysitter my car gets to shaking, rattling and rolling.

I’m like it must be the engine! 

Lord I knew I should’ve put some oil in my engine. 

But then I get to remembering the back tire that I just had a funny feeling about for a few weeks. Everytime I would see someone pulled over fixing a flat I would zone out and zone in on them. Anyway. After my ride out of Chicago to pick my friend up for Father’s Day, I just decide to check the tire to see. And there it is. A bubble. 

I should probably get that fixed right?

My friend was like well if you made it out here you should be okay. 

So I felt like I would be okay for about two weeks and here I am with a tire.

A flat. And I have to be at work in less than an hour.

On my last day of probation? 

With my little lady in the backseat? 

So now I have to walk back. Leave her with my tired grandmother then try and get to work.

So.

Am I really about to leave my car here?

Yes.

I had to leave my car. When something is not moving what use is it to me?

It made me think about people.

There have been some people in my life whom I have loved who were not moving in the same direction as I. 

Why stay in a vehicle that is not taking you anywhere? Why stay in a relationship when you are not moving forward? Why stay around those who can’t take you where you need I be?

See. Me leaving my car there for that moment doesn’t mean that I am leaving it there forever. It means that when it’s time to get it fixed then it’s time to go back and get it.

But I had to wake up. Clean up my house. I had to get some rest. I had to take care of my daughter. I had to get us together before I could worry about moving anywhere.

There was an epiphany in that. Take care of me. My daughter is my responisbility, not taking care of a dead thing that can’t move and i’m surely not about to kill myself trying to push it, pull it a,d we all know I can’t carry it.

I get to thinking about the relationships I have had in the past few years. Men who have been coddled by women to believe that the woman is supposed to take care of them, and not the other way around. They don’t understand the natural order of things because they are missing out on the fundamental part of a relationship with God. Understanding what Christ did for the church they would understand that if they learn to love a woman the way Christ did the church they would never ask of a woman something she is not able to give. 

I have had to literally carry a grown man, broken up here and there. I have been a financial foothold for a man. Thats not my job nor my responsibility. 

All that dead weight.

Like my car i was supposed to do exactly what I did. Leave them behind until they were willing to have what was wrong with them fixed so they could get to mnoving again and be the ones to carry us to our destination. Men carry. Men provide. Men protect.

So to the ones who have been left behind. Never think you have no value, you just werent moving. And what good is a man who is suppoosed to be building with a woman and seems to just be stuck in one place. Life is about progress and growth and if you are not moving in that direction then what is really going on.

So I had to go. I’m focusing on my daughter and I right now. I’m getting closer to my sisters and enjoying life. 

It really is that simple.

I am the tin man. I finally got me a heart…

the tin man was my least favorite character in the wizard of oz.

I mean what’s the real use of a heart?

To love a loveless and lawless generation? I’m good.

But I guess that was Gods plan for me when he called me out of my darkness.

A change. Soon come.

Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

My stony heart caused me to be so cold hearted to those who wanted to love me. I would laugh at their tears. I’ll never forget as one went down my aunts stairs falling over his own feet, crying deeply that I chuckled for days about the event. His own flesh and blood didn’t even want to reach out to him. I definitely didn’t. 

Oh well. All the laugh lines that the past reminded me that went across his face for my pain. Oh freakin well.

He wasn’t the only though. Men have been kicked out my place at wee hours of the morning for their transgressions. They got dissed repeatedly. My heart was hardened.

So here I am now. Trying to figure out why I can’t get over this last situation. It’s almost been two months. My hardened heart of stone is finally coming back to life. I am being renewed. 

Is this what these men I hurt just for the nonchalance of it were feeling? Because I promise I never really cared.

But while I wasn’t paying attention, somewhere along the lines I fell in love with my creator.

I mean really in love. 

You. Know. That. Thing. 

That thing that causes a woman to be like I’m cutting off all my friends for you. I’m changing my hair for you, what do you like? You don’t like my fake lashes, well I’ll buy some good mascara. Oh you like my more natural look? Is it okay if I just wear a little powder to keep the shine off my nose? You want me to worship with you? At your place of worship? Oh you don’t like me clubbing and wearing revealing clothing? Ok. Cooking cleaning etc…

See when I fell in love with my Father. I couldn’t help but fall in love with his son, Jesus. And the spirit of His Son, Holy Spirit. You know that three for one deal. 

And for me to say his design isn’t good enough that I have to extend my hair, or wear long fake lashes, or clawed out nails. I love him so much I let him know that in my natural state the way he made me I am more than enough. And that’s not to say I won’t ever wear weave, nails or lashes, but as I showcase who he created me to be I am proud to stand tall and say I love the creators creation, because he created me and was quite creative in doing so. 

I’ll change my apparel. No longing desiring to be temptation to my brothers. I want us all to make it and since I enjoy having deep conversations about life and God and hip-hop and black studies, the last thing I want is for my brother to not be able to keep his eyes off my bared cleavage knowing the flesh is weak, or the rotund of not so much of a backside barely contained in too tight clothes.

And being in that clubbing environment full of lust and sinful desires can’t be bringing him Glory. I mean I’m sure there are so many more things I can be doing.

Like learning how to play my guitar. Or working on my poems. Or working on my novel. Or learning a second language. Or exercising. Or hanging out with a friend walking downtown, or bowling, or skating, or something. 

Groupon gives us options.

See this heart that I have been given is free to love my Creator. I love to listen to Him. I wake up in anticipation of what he is going to tell me today.

Jeremiah 33:3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ 

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 

He is ever so much closer than we could ever imagine.

I mean. I cried out. I didn’t care who saw my broken state. I didn’t care who looked at me wondering why I was so broken. It was between me and God. I humbled myself before him, not caring what man had to say or what they were thinking, because they couldn’t fulfill the longing I had in my heart anyway. 

So now when I see his words illuminating my life and he teaches me and shows me how to live a life pleasing to Him, that will cause me to have the joy, and peace, but most importantly, love, I perk up and pay attention. When God speaks through his word, I listen with the ears he has given me.

My once stony heart is now restored. 

Joel 2:25 he promised to restore unto me the years the locust have eaten up. Locust eat crop. Love was placed inside of me, but the interactions with lawless people lacking integrity hardened it.

So. Praise God for a change. I’ll get over this heart ache. It will probably be gone before I end this blog. Yes. It’s definitely gone, because I started this blog a few days ago and God healed my heart yesterday. My yesterday is a few days ago after the blog actually gets published. I write sometimes weeks in advance. But back to the story at hand. 

My heart is fixed. No band aids needed. Jesus is the master fixer upper, and for that I am forever grateful!

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it. 

So now I just guard it. No more letting just anyone in. My job placed me on a five month probation before allowing me a secure place in the company that isn’t really all that secure. I’m going to start doing people like that. Six month probationary periods. I’ve been through to much just to let the undeserved sit at my table and throwing more pearls to swine. Letting seeds people plant in false playfulness to be able to penetrate a heart full of love with seeds of hurt harm and hate is no longer an option.

Yes. Life is becoming more and more enjoyable these days, I’m guess since I finally have a heart a heart to love and celebrate life with, it can’t help but be so.

Dear sister 

My dear sister

I see you and your snap.

Chat.

Taking all your pictures

And not capturing me.

Because the last time your film caught my beauty. You forgot to share it with me so I could help celebrate what The Lord created when he made me.

And then your chatter became a little bit different about me. 

You began to speak ill of me. Somehow I offended you unknowingly and you forgot to bring the offense to me. So you created divisive spaces making sisters that dont even know me my enemies. 

They will never know my encouraging words and how much I speak life to many.

Don’t you know what you did broke me. I struggle to make peace with my sisters. The offenses have been great and altogether too many.

I mean did you forget I was the same sister that reminded you of your beauty. I saw the way the world beat you down for not living up to their standards or carrying their ideal of what is pretty. 

See I won’t sugar coat when it’s a time for honesty. But I did. Because it was your heart. Your humility.

Maybe you saw HIM. And his interest in me? Was that it sister?

Proverbs 6:19 a false witness who pours out lies,
a person who sows discord in a family. 

These are the last two things detestable to my Abba, Papa!

Why separate people who need to be close to each other. 

What is it that makes you a back biter, contentious, a gossip? What makes you look at me in disdain and carry those thoughts to others?

Is it the smile I keep on my face?

See if it was about the brother that chose neither of us, just know my standards were too high to go out with someone constantly calling me asking me to go cuddle with him when he didn’t even know me.

It’s obvious now the turmoil of his choices that he was poor at decision making.

And we all need men like Joseph. Able to follow Gods leading and not the desires of their own flesh. Si I can birth and protect what God has placed within me.

See you could’ve been support to me. You beig older than me. When my worth was tied into my body and the comfort to a man I was made to feel it should bring.

Because he made me feel like my cuddling with him was nothing. As he said, it’s not like I’m asking for sex.

I felt so unworthy.

But anyway. My sister. What happened? We used to be all cool and whatnot? And I’m not timid, I just get tired of hearing people talk about me, words floating in the spirit, that I stay grabbing. Like who would say that about me. And then I get the visual. Like a vision.

Oh.

You didn’t know.

The Holy Sporit gives gifts according to his desires.

Anyway sister. 

This past month has been about my sisters. I’ve limited my time with the guys. Even put my BFF on hold. And we have been loving each other and nurturing each other. We’ve been celebrating. Our abilities and gifts. And sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron.

So I take the bible. It’s my mirror. I ask that Gods words reflect so I can see me. And he reveals his secret things. And my heart is exposed. I would say, but I know you’re still struggling to believe you actually do like me. I’ve done nothing for you not to. Not really. Not like that man you accept back in your heart for love repeatedly. I know the feeling. Before I started truly loving me I did the same thing.

So this is it.

Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life. 

Papa says out of the heart the mouth speaks. So what was really your motive in turning the other women against me. You don’t have to tell me. God is in the business Of restoring. But He is crying out for us to give him out wicked hearts full of impure things so he can give us a new one the one we pray for when asking that He create in us a new heart and renew the right spirit. 

Obedience is better than sacrifice… There is no amount of serving….

Well that’s between you and Him.

Just know I love you. I’ve been anointed and appointed to love people who hurt me purposely, and let them when they are women back on forgiving them repeatedly.

We all need the strength of each other. Just know I’ll be praying.

Because my sisters really are so dear to me!

Me and my Jesus

Why do people love to attack em for my love of Jesus.

Jesus freak is what he called me this morning.

I did nothing to goad him on or invite him into my personal space, but here he comes trying to thrwo his thoughts and ideas unto me.

What I love about Jesus is that he has always been such  gentleman.

Like when he fed the over 5,000 people. Hee fed them. He helped make them feel better by speaking to their broken hearts, and then gave them a choice to choose.

Some chose him and others did not; but he did not force himself upoon them.

Like now. 

See the reason why i could look at the man  that was trying to attack my faith with such a calm look was because I know what it took for me to get Jesus to come into my life.

I hd to invite him in.

It was winter. It was cold, and every morning before going to one of my three jobs I had to walk down a dark alley on chicagos west side praying all the way for the safety of myself and the little baby in my arms.

It was at that point where I started quoting Jay-Z to God, because I didnt remember much of the bible I had been forced to read as a child. 

I told Him, this cant be life, this cant be love.

Where are you God?

It was after three months of that and letting go of the things that I felt in my spirit God was asking me to remove that he realized I ws seriously interested in finding him. he knew my heart anyway, but my sacrifices were part of the obedience he needed to see if I would be willing to listen to what and where he was sending me, because it wasnt going to make sense. But it led me right to him.

See there. The Lord didnt come knocking down my door like you need to follow me now. He created me, so He knows the free will He placed in me.

see much like in the gospels, He chose His disciples then. Why would he stop choosing now. 

John 15:16 says, 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

He chooses based on a few traits. 

Humility probably being one of them.

Psalms 25:9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way. 
Psalms 149:4 For the Lord takes delight in his people;
he crowns the humble with victory. 

I mean since our ways re not Gods wys how can a prideful person who thinks they have all the answers be a person that is called by God to be used> That person might be like nah God, I got this. I am going to do this my way. You know how smrt I am since I been reading all these man written books to give me knowledge. 

But fear of the Lord is the beginning of all knowledge. Which means He will give me his wisdom and understanding if I am willing to follow his laws and live his way. 

Through the Holy Spirit. Talking about Him is a blog in and of itself. SO I wont go there today, but I’m just saying.

Anyway. I hd to leave the guy behind who was so upset that I wouldnt listen to him and agree with him. He was genuinely upset that I was in what he beleived to be darkness about my Lord and Savior. But when I ask. And my prayers get answered immediately. When I have begged and poured out my heart to God to reveal himself to me, and a scripture pops into my head to answer the question I asked, that caan’t be my doing. I’m intelligent, but I’m not that smart.

Thats God using the Holy SPirit to communicate with me, because His spirit connects with my own and me being willing to be led is open to following the leading of the HOly SPirit who only speaks what Jesus tells Him. 

Then I’m trying to figure out why they keep coming for me, and the rest of the scripture at John 15:17-20 says

 17 This is my command: Love each other.
18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 

Okay, now it makes perfect sense.

and God is such a gentleman as one of my sisters described Him. He still loves. Like that guy that notices that crying and abused woman wiht that abusive lover who mistreaats her and cheats on her. he just stands back and waits for her to get tired.

I guess God is the same way. Waiting on us to get tired of running through too many people trying to find love but until we experience the love of God dwe can never know true love. Running from drug to drink trying to fill a void that only God’s Spirit can fill as we let him lead us into bearing the fruits which are the fruitages of the Spirit. 

Yes. he’s waiting. He is patient and kind. Jesus was described as being gentle and kind, when he told us to take his yoke which was easy and his burden which is light.

Yep. Me and my Jesus. I chose him yesterday, Im choosing HIm today, and best believe until death I’ll be choosing Him tomorrow!

Covenants break and then we broke out

It was rainy, quite like today.

my husbnd had been wrapped in my arms and I in his, and his soccer team was waiting on him.

He didnt want to go. I didnt want him to. SO he didnt.

You know. that difference between a woman that makes  man want to run to work because of… and that woman that makes that man feel comfortable in the castle. Yeah. ANyway.

We stayed cuddled in newlywed bliss.

Before the fall. Before the freedom. Before taking his time off and away from me.

Ive been reading Proverbs. 7:19,20 talks about the woman telling her new lover that her husband is away. SO she can be intimate with someone else.

I learned a valuable lesson that year. Never let anyone come in the middle of what your value and treasure. It is important to keep balance in all things, and go for what you have a right to claim.

When I was angry with my husband, I was supposed to talk to him not to the next man about him.

When he came to me crying I was not supposed to harden my heart saying he needed to pay for all he put me through.

I never seem to learn my lesson.

They cry and I be feeling myself like, another one. Made me cry now he crying over me. Because once I shut off, I’m shut off for good. There is no lets straighten it out. Its more like Brian McKnight, One last cry. Because I leave them all behind.

Anyway. Back to Proverbs.

This chapter in particular is about avoiding the smooth talk of those that want to talk you out of the covenant that was made with your mate.

How do we allow rifts to come in between what God ordained and placed together? How do we allow what God put in order to become disheveled and a mess?

Pride.

Simply put. We don’t allow our emotions to come across honestly and we allow building blocks be erected that fence each other out. 

I lost my husbnd the following year. Not of his chooosing. He begged for me to choose to stay. I was hardhearted and indifferent. He chose what he chose. he said what he wanted, thats the way it was supposed to be right?

gave him back his mothers ring and as the judge looked at us questioningly, asking if we were sure, I couldnt even look him in the face as I adamantly confirmed the choice that would send my life downhill, as I struggle to pick up the sordid pieces today seven years later.

I dont talk about life the way I do because I’m a confidant know it all. I’ve lived. I’ve made many poor decisions, and its in these poor decisions that I realize the lessons that were meant for me to learn. 

There are no value in things. Not really. You wont lie on your death bed holding the keys to your Bentley thinking of all the fun rides yall had together. No hopefully you’ll have made enough of an impact on the lives of people that they will lie next to you holding your hand reminding you of who you were to them. 

see the value is in our relationships. The impacts we make on the world. The value is in the smiles we put on the faces of the people we love dearly. The experiences we share. The back down memory lanes we get to have. Those, “you remember when” moments.

The treasure in life will never be things. You trying to keep up with the joneses and their things, and they wishing they could laugh and smile because everybody dies but not everybody lives.’

So enjoy life. Find value in the ones that spend time to make you smile, and laugh. and anyone who is constantly nagging bout we need more, don’t love you in the first place. They love what you do for them and how they can brag about you to make themselves seem more importnt than they will ever be.

I would rather live with love and appreciation than with things, and loneliness.

So I guess I’ve learned  lesson. Pride comes before the fall, but God needed to shape me and make me humble.

memories make real treasuries, because dollars make paper planes that seem to fly away just as fast as we get them.

laws and forgiveness

I ws blessed to attend my first crusade today. 

I have been asking God for the longest time to simolify the gospel of Jesus, so I can make it simple for the rest of the people i encounter.

He made it so easy, simple, that my baby came home telling me what to ask God for.

I tell you God is a prayer answering God!!!

So Reinhard Bonnke was preaching from John 8. The adulterous woman. And those with the same sins. Casting the first stone. 

How fitting. For this time period we are in for the gay marriage court ruling. 

See I came from a place where much like the Pharisees they were so busy pointing out the sins of others they forgot that all of us are riddled with sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. But it was the sins of Jesus that washed us and cleansed us.

The bible backed community knows that at Leviticus 20:13 the Lord said, 13 “ ‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. But at verse 22,23 God lets the readers know who those commands are for.

22 “ ‘Keep all my the Lord’s decrees and laws and follow them, so that the land where I am bringing you the Israelites to live may not vomit you out. 23 You must not live according to the customs of the nations I am going to drive out before you. Because they did all these things, I abhorred them. 

The Isrealites. Gods people. The people God has a covenant with and now that Jesus died to open the door for all people to come in. Its for all people who want to come into Gods fold. 

His people who are called. The sheep that know his voice. 

See the biggest problem is the fact that people read the bible and stop there.

i am quick to show the love of God free from condemnation because I like the adulterous woman had my own laws that have been broken and had me in line for death.

Leviticus 20:9 before I had ever had sex I was right here with this sin worthy of death. Before redemption. 9 “ ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head. 

I was 17. Big money. Baller shot caller. I had my own money. I was bringing home a little more than a thousand dollars a month. I had a cell phone a pager, and would go to the movies three sometimes four times a week. I mean what else is a 17 year old doing wiht that type of money? 

My mother needed me to pay her rent. I did. But now she was asking for more money. She came to my door. I told her in my anger that for unlocking my door with a butter knife if I had a knife I would cut her.

I now remember why they called me crazy Rae-Rae.

This was my mother. Of course she goes off. I let her punch me in my face a little bit before I asked her to get up since she ws fighting me so I could defend myself. Then had a full fledged fight with my mother.

See this dude tried to threaten me a couple of weeks ago with his baby momma fighting me. Who actually has almost the same birthday as my mother, and I laughed. Like dude. I once fought my mother. i have NO problem laying these hands on anyone who comes to try and attack me, if I get the opportunity to do so.

But me. I am a sinner. That was one of the first of many. nowhere near the worst, so How could I dare throw stones at anyone else? 

See when Jesus brought this to the attention of the Pharisees, who were the religious heads of the community they all walked away.

who was there to condemn her?

John 8:10,11 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” 

The gift of salvation is receiving the love that Christ had for us by becoming the ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate redemption song. 

All we have to do is accept. 

He told that woman to leave her life of sin. Willful sin is different from the sinful beings we struggle against daily. BUt a personal relationship with Jesus reveals that. Its like a relationship with anyone else. If my best friend tells me she doesnt like it when I kick her out and turn my back on her whenever my guy comes around if I value her I wont do it. 

Same with my Savior. I aim to please HIm so whatever he asks I strive for obedience.

So no. I can not cast the first stone or any stone. My struggle to steer clear from sin is just as difficult as the next. 

but I have a Savior that loves enough to walk with me and help me through.

And guess what? You can accept him too.

Love who loving you Part 2

Dear big and little brothers.

Y’all so beautiful. 

The beauty of who God created you to be inspires me. 

Brown, black, light bright, caramel.

I love my brothers. And I’m wise enough to know that all attractions are not to be acted upon. Especially right now, as I nurse my healing heart. I’m chill but I’m appreciative.

The intelligence. 

Not books, not just educated, but intelligent. Those that seek out knowledge for yourselves without a professor to guide the way. Letting God light your path.

See a woman’s job is to carry seed, nurture, develop into what the seed is destined to become. That’s why so many daughters are lost and so many sons are failing. It’s the woman you chose to carry your seed.

But anyway. It’s about knowledge. When a brotha drops knowledge the woman is supposed to take that knowledge, apply it, let wisdom come which is in fact applied knowledge. And turn that seed into something great. Like Michelle Obama or whatever. 

I guess that’s why my first love often referred to me as his Wis. Short for wisdom. 

Now that’s really dope!

My last blog though. I meant it. They say the truth ain’t pretty.

And many, many ugly things have happened to me at the hands of a black man.

It was my brother that first yeah, we won’t go into that.

It was my brother that first told me I was too black so I couldn’t be pretty.

It was my brother who lied on me to save his own neck in a religion he can’t even be a part of today.

It was my brother who let me accidently see naked pictures of his other woman in his camera. 

It was my brother who attacked my momma while I was a baby hitting me and pulling the knife out to terrify her.

It was my brother who pulled out not one but two guns to steal my jewelry.

It was my brother that came into my home and stole all my things.

It was my brother who had me on my pregnant belly choking the life out of me, threatening her life.

It was my brother who lied about his marriage.

It was my brother who said he was a straight man, but the gay porn he was constantly looking up I couldn’t compete with. Sorry I’m such an ispy. That computer child monitor told all his business.

It was my brother who ruined my relationship by telling me details about him and my guy I never wanted to know, if they were true or not only God knows.

See I love those who look like me. But we gotta do better. Now I know who my brothers are. 

Mark 3:33 - 35 33“Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” 

That’s right. They weren’t my brothers at the time, but some have become by changing their hearts and mind sets. 

These are just facts.

And yet I love my real brothers still. Because everyone should be given a fair chance to be judged based on their own actions.

Just like the people who don’t look like my race of brothers. 

Not everyone is our enemy. It’s the truth, some people don’t love us the way we want to be loved, and some of us struggle with loving ourselves.

But if we never address these things how do we get better? How do we help the next generation? Some of my brothers never get a fair shake at being better because brothers say they keeping their brothers, but only if they have a certain level of education, or in a certain frat, or has the potential and promise they see of value.

But what about the brother whose potential has been so deeply buried it takes binoculars with a bifocal lense to see it? Does he just get lost by the wayside?

Even with all those experiences I still love my brothers. I’m still friends and talk to on occasion some of the brothers from above, because we forgive, we walk in love and love does not seek its own interests or keep account of the injury. I remind because of the testimony in the power of forgiveness. God did that!

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up conflict,
but love covers over all wrongs. 

If everything was dipped in gold, then baby we would never grow. Everything sweet ain’t sugar coated. (Jhene aiko) cause life for me ain’t been no crystal stair (Langston Hughes)

It’s time we grow. Sisters be accountable for sisters, and brothers being accountable for brothers. 

It’s the only way for us as blacks to grow. Helping each of us be better. Everyone has the potential for change. Like a second chance program for those that society has thrown away. 

CTA has one for my chicago brothers just in case you need one. 

I mean look at David! Had he not been given his second chance we wouldn’t even be able to study the wisdom in Proverbs because without David there would have been no Solomon!

Proverbs 9:8 8 Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you;
rebuke the wise and they will love you. 

This generation just needs to see something to look up to. Wise men.

So my brother. Find you a wife, one God tells you or shows you is just for you. So you can find favor with God. Be consistent. Be faithful. Create family. Live life in love. And then be a mentor to one of the block boys. Show them the fruit that comes from having one wife and loving and listening to God. I talk to them all the time in passing. They just a group of black men marginalized to a certain lifestyle because mommas and pops never had enough  to show them something else besides the hood. If they believe it’s possible for them to get out they might just strive for greater. I know firsthand. I’ve been a voice of possibility and saw escape for one or two. 

But I’m only a woman. I desire to be the change I want to see in the world. 

So no. I wasn’t dissing my brothers. I am never against my brothers.

My BFF lets me tell him things I have never told another soul. My beautiful crush reminded me that my beauty is in my blackness. My fathers son dreams of millionaire moves and conducts trains and moves up ladders in his company and he was once a block boy. My grandfather feeds the men struggling with addictions that come to his door, whether it be in knowledge or the hard earned money he been working for since he was a mere child. 

I love the good in my brothers, and as much as I know there are good and bad in my own race, I acknowledge there is good and bad in every race. So I can’t be pro anyone. Or anti everyone. I have to just love. God is the final judge, he knows the heart and the struggle of those with a desire to change.

I know the beauty of our struggle. The pride we love to hold onto. But how do we hold onto pride and humble ourselves and seek Gods face for him to heal our land at the same time?

Maybe it’s time to let go of pride. He’s (pride) the King of a land called offense.

Live, love and draw close to each other. 

Maybe you my brother reading this have looked at me and not spoken a time or two, and I don’t hold onto that rejection. I give it to God and keep moving.

So dear brother. I never meant to offend. I love all. I may have a hard time showing it in my state of healing, but I hate to impose myself on those who haven’t called for me to come into their space.

We can be ebetter. I believe God. So I’ll keep praying and asking for wisdom to walk with me. Because it is only with wisdom that we will truly learn how to deal with and treat one another.

And in order to rebuild we, we need that desperately!