I’ve never been one who had a hard time letting go. 

Not after having to leave Chicago, my few friends, my small family and my job etc for that move all the way to the east coast. New cultures, and new customs.

After I braved that storm, saying goodbye became easier. 

I’ll chuck them deuces in a heartbeat. I came in this world alone. I’m going to leave alone. My relationship with my Savior, Jesus, and the Father, Jehovah is personal. So. I have learned to walk alone.

But sometimes. I get caught up with wondering about what I do. I wonder if what I write is too much. If I tell too much. And then I remember. The only people who have a problem with my testimony is the religious community. 

But if they never had to overcome my struggle. Or if they are so busy trying to be validated by others that they hide their past. Or they don’t have enough word to overrule their opinions. 

We are overcome by our testimonies. 

See I don’t love the life I used to want to be accepted in, enough, to not scream about what I have been delivered from. That’s a testimony. A shout of how God did that special thing for me. Because I once thought I would be wnslaved forever. I never thought I’d get free. So now that I am I tell my story. I don’t love or miss my past. But I am thankful for being able to tell of how I got free from it. 

Nobody but God!

My real world heroine. She’s so brave. Assata Shakur got freed from prison. Well she escaped. She received political assylum in Cuba. Common wrote a song about her. I used to play that on repeat. Because it talks about how she escaped. And got free. And before I encountered this new walk with God that’s all I wanted, was to be free.

Some people need hope that they can be free from their vices. So I open up about how it was done for me.

Who do I need to impress? God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Saul got removed from the throne for not being obedient. But he still ruled for a few years as David was being prepared for the seat. Ole David. David who did all the wrong things. And his story was told. How many times will we be reminded about his adulterous and murderous interactions with Bathsheba?

See my arm reaches, through these words, for those who have a heart for God but don’t know how to get rid of the behaviors that keep them from drawing close to God. I was once that woman. 

My old poetry full of curse words also quotes scriptures. I couldn’t help my heart for God. But I didn’t know how to live for Him.

It’s hard to understand if you’ve had some form of religious background all your life.

Not understanding James 1:26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. 27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. 

That’s why the lack of charity in the religion of my youth kept me with too many unanswered questions.

And the negative words that just keep flowing…

That’s why it’s so hard for me to look twice at a church dude. He might like me now, but would be trying to hush me for the rest of my life about how I used to be. In the fear of how others would perceive he and I, in the process. Trust me I’m nice to all. I am a tomboy, as my childhood friend said, a boy with boobs, so interacting with guys is easy. But trust me. My interest is reserved. But I go after a man like I drive. And anyone trying to get through rush hour downtown traffic in a 60ft accordion style bus has to be a tad bit aggressive.

I am nice, now. I am not, necessarily, interested.

So. Yesterday. I was on the phone with my Boston, young adult, best friend. She’s about to be an assistant principle in LA. In Hollywood. She is thanking me for being her spiritual advisor. She is thanking me for sending her a proverb devotion everyday for the month of July about what God has helped me with and is helping me with. She has an undergrad degree from Harvard, and two masters. But all I have. Is God, and his word.

I’m just a former ex a lot of things. With merely a GED, and a degree from a community two year college. 

The foolish things. Confounding the wise?? Gods word is so alive. His Spirit all Holy and whatnot leading us into truth and understanding. 

See like yesterday. Getting ready to go sing with the choir. I haven’t gotten the call about a uniform. I stay uninformed. My work schedule. Man CTA keeps me away from my God given assignment some days. But. Anyway. I have a direct connection to the source. God showed me blue and white. So I wore a blue and white top. And after I called my director already en route to the event, he told me blue and white.

God is faithful!

I must be obedient.

I am learning how to let go of people who I am supposed to let go of. Those are usually the men who came in between myself and my sisters and kept us from keeping a divine connection by turning me against someone when he never had any intention of doing right by me. 

It’s like my baby’s father making Everyone believe I’m a bad person. Because he with one baby momma this week. Then with My daughters Irish twin (they eight months apart) momma the next. And always going back to the one who can’t get pregnant. Because he looking for a good meal, or a new outfit, or money on his phone bill because according to his homie he quits his job Everytime they threaten to take child support out.

Yeah. He can’t get nothing from me. But a hello and a smile.

So. Follow the lead.

Warning come before destruction. God always wants to show us. Something. Maybe who we can help. Maybe who we can encourage. He is alive. He knows all and most importantly we knows the plans he has for us all!

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

We all have different assignments in our piece of the puzzle. Different gifts. And different relationship with God that comes with different expectations. 

I told the man yesterday cleaning my cousins car that always puts his supplies on my car that the next time he put his stuff on my car I wasn’t going to be nice. He assured me I was going to be. I laughed. I looked at my cousin and asked him to let the man know I didn’t use to be nice. He shook his head not even able to make eye contact with me. 

But God. But change. Maybe I am supposed to share, because I need much humility. 

To whom much is given much is required. 

So yes. Let Gods plans become manifest in your life! No one else knows what you need. But when He comes in the form of that quiet voice when all is still. Let Him speak.

Our spirits have always been connected to God. Our vices keep us separated, listening to the desires of our flesh.

But freedom….


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