So.

I’m watching Frozen for the umpteenth time. 

I usually don’t like to watch the Disney movies for their lackadaisical attitude towards magic. 

The movies of old always made the supposed white magic seem harmless. But. God says in Deuteronomy something altogether different.

Deuteronomy 18:10-12 There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you.

All practices of magic are detestable in the eyes of The Most High Almighty God. 

So I watch it with my daughter. I just explain to her how God feels about it. 

So we are watching frozen. The big sister with the powers learns early on that her magic is dangerous. It may seem like fun. But it is a danger to her sister. Because she gets hurt.

And after she gets hurt and goes to get healing, something thought provoking is said.

A heart is not so quick to change.

Revelation and wisdom in that.

I was talking to a friend of mine today about how selfish I can be. 

I can’t stop remembering who I used to be because those who don’t do anything to make themselves better won’t stop forgetting.

You know.

Those people who live their lives like Pearl off 227, got more to say about everyone else and the choices those people make but can’t get their own lives right. Like maybe it’s a school program you can be enrolling in. Or some sight words you can be teaching a young child. Or teaching a near grown child how not to be so lazy. 

Man. I get flack. Truth hurts. I’m working on kindness so this is what I tell my friend. 

I am selfish.

And he sends me this response.

 

Now. He knows me now. He never knew who I used to be. 
My heart. Was so hard to change. It was filled with so many things. And since out of the mouth the heart speaks. I was using the ugly things in my heart to penetrate my lips and make me say things that messed people up. 

How awful.

A man got on my bus the other day. He was telling me about how much rage he carries. He told me some private things that happened to him. I felt his pain. See he lost his mother when he was 24. She was 42. 

I didn’t tell him I lost mine at 27. And she was 49. But I instantly empathized.

I was hostile, mean, angry, enraged. 

I mean why my momma? Why not the person whose momma was addicted to drugs. Or the one whose momma exposed him to domestic violence so he became a woman beater. Or the momma who was in the streets bringing every type of man in the house not keeping her child safe?

My momma was about me. She taught me how to read sight words by the age of three. I never saw my mother with a man until she married my stepfather. And she was always trying to be of assistance, serving someone’s needs.

Why us?

See I sat at her funeral with that chip on my shoulder. Looking at my step father cross eyed. He was the one who had an in with the insurance company seeing as he worked for them. He was the one telling my mother that the research he was doing showed that she was healing. He was the one that never took her back to the doctor after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, although when his mother was diagnosed the same she went through the whole kit and caboodle. He was the one getting engaged to the so called herbalist’s, that treated my mother, sister after my mother died. And whenever I called my mother that year she was sick, he would always tell me she was resting. Like he told all her friends that tried to call her. So I found out when I actually started talking to people about it.

Conspiracy minded yes. I believed he set my mothers demise up. If someone is sick and you don’t take them to the hospital and you are their primary caregiver you have neglected that individual. 

Nursing homes get big lawsuits for stuff like that.

Needless to say I was angry. Enraged. I was two seconds away from being Snoop D O double G and murder was the case.

And then to come home to a backbiting family? No. I am not going to clean up and I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed in spurts for almost seven years. These folks didn’t even know where I lived before my mother died. Now they taking my fall and running to tell the world that’s who I am.

A lie.

They don’t know me. If you’ve never shared a meal with me. I’ll say it again. You don’t know me. I will never let my guards down for you. And majority of my family never have shared a meal with me. At the same table. We may have eaten the same food in the same house, just at separate tables.

So. How did I release that rage?

The man told me on the bus that he didn’t cry. 

Lightbulb. 

Clicking.

Before I stepped into the four walls of my church home I didn’t cry either. I was too strong for that. But God.

Psalms 126:5 Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
6 They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

See God had a plan for me.

Jesus said, come to me all you who are weary and loaded down. That anger was too heavy for me to carry. That’s why I lashed out at everyone I saw. That’s why I used Facebook as a sounding board to express my discontent with life. That’s why I hurt those who came to help me heal.

My daughters father was a lot of encouraging words for me. Helping me. Even going so far as to co-sign a car for me and making all the payments. 

But I didn’t want no dude from the projects when I was getting ready to pursue a PhD. Forgetting I am still the young woman with the GED. Wanting to be validated for feeling like I had always  been a nobody.

Oh how God has to pull my prideful thoughts and behavior down. 

So. Change. Crying those tears. Bringing it to the altar. No. I wasn’t crying for sins I committed. There is no condemnation for those on Christ Jesus. He died for my sins to be removed. But that pent up anger. Was released in the form of tears.

So I walk this walk. Why?

Psalms 116:7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth! 

He saved me. From myself. From bitter anger. From damaging self destructive behavior. From losing friendship after friendship. People need people. We are designed to love each other.

So next time they say don’t cry, ask them why not? To be strong? But God says in our weaknesses His strength is made perfect. 

Let Go. We just talked about how to let God last week.

Something better. Is in store.

  
Humility overrides a superficial ploy at strength. Be weak before God. He is the only one that can rebuild us all. I know firsthand. 

He definitely put my puzzle pieces back in place. So now I can truly be connected to the ones that will really care for me!

And that is a reason for really celebrating!!!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s