Short and sweet

There is always a reason to find joy in the little things.

‘Cause to be victorious, you must find glory in the little things.’~ Janelle Monae

The little things.

Like having the door held open for my daughter and I.

Like getting a call to fund me, I didn’t even have to ask. I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken, nor their seed BEG for bread. 

I ask my father. He moves the hearts of men.

I knocked on doors until I got what I needed. Footwork is not light work. Making moves to get things done. 

Faith without works is dead. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

And then when I was looking at the scale that was up fifteen pounds since last month and looked at myself, my daughter told me that I was still beautiful.

She knows I was just bulking!

   
 
Next month is cutting season.

So.

It shall get better. This month just taught me that God is always taking care of me. He has not forgotten me. And just when I think I have to make a sacrifice, here He comes with a ram in the bush. 

But I was willing. To give up something valuable. To recieve little worth. And here comes God.

I spent my evening on the way home encouraging a transgender male becoming female as she was angrily saying the people who stabbed her up, two months ago, were going to get it. I reminded her vengeance is the Lords.

And the young man on the train platform. Angry stares and looks of despair. I reminded him to pray. 

Plant seeds daily. God our Father will make them grow. We only store treasures for God in heaven. 

No one needs to help another be better. All we do is encourage and upbuild. Love. God is all powerful. Jesus died for everybody. And He knows how to deal with each and every one of us individually. 

Point me to God. He has always held the key to my happiness. And when I keep my eyes focused on Jesus who is the author and finisher of my faith, he never let’s me down.

And so I praise Him. My day could have been filled with complaints, but really there are more thanks to give. For who He is. For all He does. For all He gives. For what He has placed inside of me. Ready to share the words my Savior has planted inside of me to whomever He places on my path.

I am merely a branch on the tree. And since he is the tree of life all I can do is make sure I am one bearing good fruit.

I mean how could I have time to be concerned with anyone or thing else besides myself and taking care of my fathers business.

See. Praying without ceasing is easy if I’m thanking God all day. For everything.

I am a believer. So I believe He is able to do the same for you!!

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Strength

Day 21

Some days I wonder how can I be happy with all that is going on in my life.

But then I ask myself why would I allow circumstances to define my attitude. 

Facts are the enemy of faith.

So I’m in Hebrews today. And I am reminded.

Hebrews 12: 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 

My circumstances are nothing more than weights designed to distract me and keep my eyes off Jesus.

See when he took his seat at the right hand of the Father, after having sacrificed, his life, for all of our sins, he was anointed with joy.

So that means. Jesus. Who sent the Holy Spirit. Who tells the Holy Spirit what to tell us. This same Jesus has been anointed with joy.

So if I keep my eyes focused on him, I can receive some of that joy. I can receive this through the Holy Spirit he said is greater, IN ME, than the one in the world constantly trying to get me to focus on what’s around me.

Is that it?

See no matter what trials and tribulations I go through, I understand it on the bigger scale. Jesus suffered and received a reward. Every time I go through anything when it’s all over with I get something I wanted that I didn’t have before. 

So. 

I do what I know: finding joy in the one who came to give me new life. 

Nothing else is worth focusing on. 

I am blessed to have been able to recieve the newness of the blessings.

And patience. Allowing patience to make endurance easier.

It’s always the little things. Instead of focusing on the bad. 

Like the guy holding the train door open for me. Or. Brother caramel complected shouting a God Bless You from across the street hearing my sneezes.

Thankful for the little things!

I have a small filter. I forget the hurtful things people do to appreciate whatever good they have done. I find the silver lining. I’d rather make people smile than see them cry. I crack jokes in the middle of my tears, with an at least… Starting off the phrase. 

Nobody’s perfect. But there are some who fit us perfectly. Because they embody beauty in their inner selves. That’s the only kind that matters. For me at least. That’s what I want in myself!

  
And when you view life like that you can always find a reason to be happy.

I would tell the world of my trials, but then who would read the book? And if we are all pessimistic who holds the rainbows? 

So. Try love. Try life filled with love, and if you’ve never centered your focus on Jesus. Invite him in and get to know him. 

See it takes strength to be happy. And Gods strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. So when we humble ourselves. To pray and seek his face and admit our weaknesses we get his strength. 

Man how easy is that. That’s why it’s not good to lean on my own understanding. But to admit I don’t know anything but what God chooses to reveal to me.

So thank God for his wisdom and knowledge. It’s all that I will ever need in this life.

For his Glory!

All it takes is one to seek and then they can truly find!

Why be sad when you can be happy

Day 20

I’m trying to find me. And in finding me I am finding the truth.

It’s okay. 

 I always felt a connection to The matrix. Now I know I have been pulled out of a matrix like existence. I chose to find the truth. I want to tell the others the truth too.

See. Preston Perry’s ‘Jesus is God’ and I dare you to tell me otherwise, opened my eyes to wanting to know the truth. I stopped asking people. I asked God to reveal to me the truth. Through the Holy Spirit He did! So now when I pass the people in the religion who thinks Jesus is Michael the archangel: I smile, kindly, and tell them now I know the truth. My heart is free. No sadness. No regrets. I chose God!

So round two. Finding out the truth about me. If you believe one lie it’s easy to believe other lies. Unless God reveals the, truth one stays in darkness.

I was. But the light calls and beckons to me. And no matter how much I have to adjust my eyes. Or put on sunglasses. I choose light.

So I find the truth something.

As soon as I did. I walked outside. I cried. I gave myself two minutes to mourn and then I had that quick pep talk. Get it together.

   
Now I’m thanking God for always taking good care of me. Always being there. Never letting me down or disappointing me.

And then he moves hearts.

And then my brother, all loc’d and natural asked me was I ok. And I said yes. 

Thank you. Brother. For remembering that we been fighting the same fight forever. We can still fight together. We don’t always have to agree. But it’s better to have someone with passion to have an opinion instead of the yes woman who won’t help you grow, moving from level to level. We can love each other and support each other while we are holding each other down.

So today. I see a Facebook post.

No complaining this week.

I don’t even want to state the facts. Because facts is an enemy to my faith. Forget the negative. Let’s focus on what’s good and right and up building. 

  
My truth allows me to begin the healing process. 

No complaints. Positive happy talk! 

   
God is listening!

Numbers 14:28 Now tell them this: ‘As surely as I live, declares the Lord, I will do to you the very things I heard you say. 

So. I am blessed. I have favor. God is taking care of everything. God is leading me and ordering the steps of a righteous wo’man’. He is ordering my steps. Because the person who does good deeds is considered righteous. I wear that band. It’s a reminder. 1 John 3:7. God will fight for me. He will lead me to victory. He is supplying every need according to his riches and glory. He loves me. He is my father!

So. When a complaint thinks of coming to my mouth, I have a plethora of words and phrases to replace them with.

Join me in the challenge. 

Instead of a complaint. Give God glory! Hallelujah. Because everything works for the good of those who love God!!!

We speak. We become. Light!

Let God shine his light through you. I will surely put my best foot forward to do the same!

Ready for take off

Day 19

Sometimes words are spoken.

And then people make changes. 

When they don’t operate in pride and offense. 

I saw it first hand today.

So. Yeah.

Just yesterday I was saying I want to be reconnected to God. When I first was called by Him I would stay at church for all the services.

I’ve gotten to the point where two might be enough. So today I give my daughter an option. Should we go to two services, or three?

She says three. But I had already been awakened. Ready for 9:30, 11:30, 1:30. But I wanted to sleep a little longer. My usual sleepyhead daughter, though, was up and ready to go.

So I go.

By 1:30 I had the breakthrough I needed. No more tears. Ready for the openening doors.

And then I ate. What I wanted. Cooked food so good! And then my baby wanted more.

I love to feed people when they enjoy my food.

And then. Someone special to me went to church today. Not mine. But their own.

It really doesn’t take much to make me happy. I just like to enjoy my moments.

And appreciate what I have. And this new person I am. I saw an old friend of mine I use to juke down the prop house with. I was Underage needing someone else’s ID to get in. Spending time in the DJ booth. 

If I do indeed have people that don’t wish me the best, or like me. It’s not new. I used to get daggers of stares in that booth. Everyone wanted to be connected to the ‘On my Mama’ boys. I should be used to it by now.

But I’m changed. I used to treat people the way they treated me. And give them good enough reasons to make them not like me. 

But Grace. And Mercy! God came to get me out of my dispair. And now I just want to love on people so they can know the love of Christ too. 

It would only be phoniness if my love of God was fake. I might offend. But I apologize. And how many times are we to forgive? 77 x 7. But how can I know if I’ve offended if people just talk to others about how I’ve offended them. If they never come to me I don’t get the chance to reconcile. 

Oh well.

I  am happy because I know the love of my savior. Because he teaches me there is no shame and no condemnation. Because he shows me it’s alright to tell my story. 

The Poets from last night reminded us that our testimonies are how people are won. Not by our righteousness which is still as filthy rags to God. No one gets set free and delivered by how perfect you live your life. They change by how you once lived imperfectly on purpose, and now you still live imperfectly while striving for perfection. Reminding others of what God pulled you out of. 

The righteous living is a blessing. But what did God bring you from? That’s a bigger blessing. Because its all for his glory!!

For his glory!!

I sing. Now. Because I’m happy. And I’m free!!!! I dare to be happy in freedom!!!!!

Free to be me. Run. Shout. 

Yes Lord! Happy Sunday! God is good! Great! And greatly to be praised!!

Blessings

Day 18

I saw some of my favorite poets perform today.

   
    
 They spoke of life. The things they have overcome and freedom in Christ! 

I love my fellow believers. Who are actively putting God first. Not for materialistic things, glitz and glamour but Gods will!

Someone once loved me enough to take me to see Russell Simmons, Def Poetry Jam. 

And I fell in love with the spoken word!!

And today. Seeing.

  
I regained my love of Jesus! I fell away pursuing my own thing. But if I’m seeking first his Kingdom and allowing Gods will to be done in my life, he adds everything else unto me.

So. Happy. To see others pursue their passion. Passion in Christ to see Him be lifted knowing he is the one drawing all men to him!

Yes. Happiness is a choice. Choosing to choose life and Gods will for my life is all a part of that. So I shall live abundantly and choose wisely.

Tickled unblue

Day 18

I saw a rainbow today!

It was in front of my feet!

  
I met a person who loves how deep my mind produces thought. I guess a young woman who thinks, and speaks the way I do is intriguing. But he is in his fifties, and wisdom he has carried for half a century.

I’m still not ready to date though. 

We can sip tea though. Or smoothies. Or freshly juiced juices.

And chat. Build friendships. Trust is earned and probations last long. Because real marriages like my grandparents last for fifty years or better.

I’ve been delivered from something I’ve struggled with for years.
And I’m smiling. 

And just like I said yesterday someone called me a deep thinker today.

And I smiled thankful!!

Jesus always spoke in parables. Which meant there was a deeper meaning in his messages. I appreciate being a deep thinker. It means I see things below the surface. Life is made of parables. Thinking outside the box and finding the deeper meaning means I get a different understanding.

I laughed and laughed today. Tickled out of the blues that were trying to creep up one me!

And sat with one of my good girlfriends all day.

Life is what you make it and how you look at it. Positive thoughts produce positivity and you know the rest!

Be happy. Tickle yourself unblue, like as in pink. And choose life! 

Sip some tea

If my opinions came from a man I believe they would be acceptable. 

Many men. Many many many many men. Wish I wouldn’t think.

I think too much. But then months later when they come back talking about, yeah like you said it was going to happen, they can’t do anything but humble themselves.

It never was me. God works through me. I am a willing vessel because I am not afraid of what others will think, sometimes unfortunately.

So I speak.

I read something recently that spoke of conviction and condemnation. 

The body of Christ should be more like Paul. He corrected but in love. Those letters just laid the facts out. If they applied. Great. If not keep it moving. 

So here I am.

Finally coming to a realization that I’m not ready to date anyone and thats alright. We can hang out. Get some tea and chat. But dinner and dancing is not for me. Nt right now anyway.

I have found joy in motherhood, and a strength in being a single one. So if my baby can’t come I don’t want to kick it.

And if you don’t have a child for her to interact with I don’t want to answer her questions about the new daddy, which I am no longer concerned about coming.

See. Relationships are like shoes. And marriage is about finding the right fit.

I choose my shoes based on where I am going, what I am wearing, the color or whatever.  

 
Today however, my shoes don’t match anything I have on. But they fit well and are comfortable. They allow my feet to breathe. But most importantly I can wear them and walk many miles, and still feel the comfort. Because they are comfortable they help me correct my posture because I can’t worry about feet hurting and walking with my spine straight. I don’t care if my shoulder blades touch when my arches feel like yet have fallen.

See them pretty heels I love to wear won’t let me go the distance.

Or the flat shoes that match this outfit make my feet hurt if I try to go too many miles.

Some people choose people based on the aesthetic alone. But when trials and tribulations come they only see the face. Or the body. I ignore men who are only interested in me based on my appearance. Because as soon as I say something real. And he don’t want to hear that, coming from a woman, I’m going to be placed on the back burner because I’m not a good fit.

If you don’t want someone who will allow you to feel comfortable and gently correct the thing that may be hindering you from becoming great, find some flat footed shoe like person who is only there to fluff all your stuff and nonsense. 

Flattery is pretentious. I always wonder what your real motive. Because if you are not interested in me will you still flatter me?

Let’s find out. And the testing begins.

No this is not about submission. I submit. Quite well. But I have only been told by the bible to submit to my husband and I keep thinking in supposed to submit to someone who hasn’t even laid out a sacrifice for me.

Like flowers, or shiny things. I’ve been ‘wifey’ enough to know all the stops a man pulls out when he is interested in pursuing something real.

I don’t try to kill chivalry because I know it’s not dead. Maybe it’s just lacking in a culture that neve really knew how to embrace their own. So they put on machoism as a front. 

I don’t do what I won’t accept though.

Because I expect the same. Push me to greatness and in my best state of self I shall do the same.

I’ve decided. Since doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. I better stop with the madness.

So. 

I’m chilling right now. For the first time in my life I look at my phone and let it go to voice mail. I just want to be focused on me. And my little person. I want her to reach her potential. I want to reach mine. 

I’m sure it would be easier with someone else. But if we aren’t a good fit, then my journey would wind up hurting me in the long run anyway.
I’m thankful to God my Father, for having Jesus. He constantly helps me crucify my flesh. So I don’t hurry up and get some shoes because I’m tired of being barefoot I can try them on, one foot at a time. Not jumping in feet first wasting my time.

No thank you to dinner or lunch these days. You can’t eat with everybody.

I need friends. That are okay with being friends until God shows them otherwise. Like the beautiful Jackie Hill-Perry and Preston Perry!

But most definitely we can sip some tea. Discuss life to see how good of a fit we can actually be.

Healing 

Day 17

Jill Scott sang, “you broke me but I’m healing”

I’m healing.

I’m healing.

I overheard today, release. When you grieve you open the door to your inner self.

Too often I would try and pretend eveything was alright. So my ‘haters’ couldn’t see me sweat. All the while I’m dying on the inside. And realizing people who truly have people to be jealous of them are living such a meaningful life they don’t have time to notice who don’t like them. 

I’m sure the meaningful life comes from letting go of the toxic one.

See. These days I’m healing. I’m allowing light to reflect through my broken pieces.

That’s another thing I overheard today. Broken pieces allow you to let light shine through them.

I’m thankful: for my broken pieces have been rebuilt into this masterpiece I call myself. The one who doesn’t care about perfect hair, or makeup, or high heeled shoes. The person that doesn’t need to control others. If you’re happy at whatever you’re happy doing, do more of it.

Jesus did it.

He rebuilt my wall and bolted my door. And in doing so secured my inner outlook on self. And the need to make sure I’m okay before I offer assistance on helping others.

See today. I overheard a boy talking to a girl about his need to get baptized so he could be saved. He went on and on about how it’s time he feels. And he let the girl talk him into it.

My chin may as well looked like Jason’s mask and Freddie Kruegers hands after an attack. Bloody and whatnot from biting my tongue. But I shut up. A relationship with the Lord is personal. No one can tell you what you need because He will draw you in.

Either I plant the seed, or water it. Ony God can make it grow! Into changes, relationship with him or etc!

So here I am. I am courageous enough to share the things in my life that were designed to kill me. But they didn’t. They wounded me, but I’m healing.

I cried for a moment thinking that I am happy. For real. My daughter is happy with me. So much so that when the little boy with the pink pouch chose not to play with her because his father shook his head before he was about to, she confidently decided she didn’t want to play with him and ran to play with someone else, and finding no one she can confidently play by herself.

Yes. We play well with others as long as they show love, respect our boundaries, and do not try to control or manipulate us. If they fall short. We WILL play by ourselves.

Life is only lonely alone when you don’t love yourself.

I choose to remove toxic people from my life for that very reason. She will always know she doesn’t need anyone. But God. She can enjoy, love and appreciate people. But she will never need them.

I don’t need them. 

They broke me. But I’m healing.

I’m healing.

And maybe I’m healing to show others how. And maybe the people with the strongest aversion to others are the ones they can benefit the most from.

So yes. Smiles are on deck. A happy little person and I. See I’d rather be happy riding the train than crying riding in the comfort if a car with someone who claims to love me but doesn’t know how to show it.

And I made my choice: it’s not an easy one but I had to count the cost. My lively hood. My smile. My daughters smile and her livelyhood. And most importantly who she would choose later on. We tend to choose what we know and see the ones we love accept. 

Three cheers for happiness. 

Hip. hip. hooray!

I was sad today

Day 16

I have come to the realization that I am joy from Inside Out!

  
I’ve never understood the need for sadness. So I avoid sad people. I avoid thinking of what will make me sad. That’s why my filter is so small. I forgive so easily because I don’t want to remember what makes me sad.

But today. 

I am reminded that everything I ever wanted I lost because of the last relationship I was really sincerely in with my heart and mind.

By now I hope I would have been working on my PhD, hopefully at UC Berkeley. Shopping at the Adidas store that sits right across the street from it preparing to get ready to be a professor of African American studies concentrating in the culture of hip-hop.

Remember it was the love of my life!!

Or sitting comfortable after accepting the after graduation offer to be a manager at Jewel Osco. The offer I received the summer my mother died.

But I loved.

And I lost.

And I lost me in the process.

I lost my ability to relate to I. I lost my I, in the process of relating to someone who made me feel so insignificant.

But today.

I realized that. I acknowledged my emotions. I cried a little. I encouraged. I loved.

And after my daughter got out of school I let her play at the park. She ran. She climbed. She was overfilled with joy. 

And when she laid on me on our ride home she told me that when she gets older she will never leave me. Because I’m the best mom ever.

And then it hit me.

See I celebrated yesterday my friends birthday. I wanted to go all out, cooking all that good food with her. See when I was sad after my mom died, she helped me clean up for my birthday party to make sure I celebrated my birthday. Not just observed, but celebrated. She encouraged me through the decisions. To have her or not. To stay with her father or not. And she just listened to me.

And sometimes like in inside out, we just need someone there through it all.

And I lost but I gained. 

I gained an understanding of what real friends do. I got this beautiful daughter. 

And now. I was sad. But now I’m happy again. I had my moment. But she and I sit here watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the original one. And we enjoy our time together.

Yes!

No one can be happy 100% of the time when life always hands us low blows. But it’s enjoying and appreciating the moments.

  
So continue to live and love your moments!!

I’ve been bit too many times

If you happen to get caught up under the covers with a mosquito that thing gonna leave you with bite after bite after bite.

Why?

Because once it tastes your blood it’s going to keep on coming got the easy target until it gets full. Or dies.

Splat!

I squashed the bug.

I write a lot about my life’s journey through love and forgiveness and change.

And people change!

I’ve never seen them change while being with the person they’re used to treating a certain way.

We are creatures of habit.

If I’m used to being a brat with certain individuals no matter how much I grow up I’m going to remain that same brat with the same people.

I would adult, work three jobs etc. but as soon as I get around my mommy. Mommy was her name and I was being babified!! All whiny and whatnot.

The joys of being my mothers only child.

This however is about the snakes. 

I forgive. A thousand times. But after Judas did what he did, what did Jesus do? 

He sent him away!

Why do people allow the same people in to hurt them repeatedly. 

Let them do their job, learn the lesson, forgive. But why do people let the same people in again and again to hurt them . And let the ones that’s willing to hold them down go.

Disloyal muhfudgers.

I’m working on my potty sailor mouth. So excuse my euphemisms!

I watch on repeat disloyalty.

But everything you observe don’t need a response. Fall back. Loyalty is a lifestyle. And so is back stabbing.

Love anyway.

From a distance!

Some people are there primarily to remind you love all, trust God!

Don’t put your trust in people. God is consistent. Keep your mind on him.

Thank God for disloyal people. Because God knows the heart. Some people just know how to receive and never give without you having to ask for it. But there are people that come along who give and love on repeat. Who show kindness and generosity. There are people who show care and concern. 

And those types of people get feasts like Royalty!

And those people get focused on!

And those people get anything they ask for.

Never mind the rest!!

Smile wave, princess Diana style and keep it moving.

The only way to achieve the best life ever is with the real. Those people who celebrate you no matter who they have in their lives. Those people who love on repeat! Those people who never switch up or change. And those who show loyalty.

Sorry old but dear friends. The ones who bit me like a mosquito dogging me out to family and peers. I do love. I been forgave. I pray consistently!! For real. 

But I cannot do toxic relationships.

  
I love myself too much to allow people the opportunity to keep biting me. I don’t care how much money you have to spend on me. You left once, you’ll leave again. You fought me once, you’ll beat me again. You dogged me out once and someone came to speak life into my bruised and hurting heart! So what sense does it make to help you stay uplifted knowing you’re the type to kick somebody when they are down. So if I’m down you’re gone. But when I’m on you in my face. 

Man. If I place you on a pedestal knowing you’re the type to kick someone when they are down you’ll have a higher platform to kick me from next time.

Oh what debilitating force you have my dear! 

So.

Live to love. Love self first. And love those who show love back. Not only when they want something but those who love no strings attached. Who won’t remind you of your fallen days and how they helped. But know that they were only a tool being used by God in the first place.

Exactly.

That why I. Can be happy.

So I will. And I do!!