I wear on my 5’8.5 frame, 230+ pounds. 

  
I go up and then I’m down.

The yo-yoroller coaster of life has me eating food to comfort me from the throes of life.

I once had a trainer tell me I wouldn’t lose the weight until I feel safe.

I am survivor. 

And they things I have survived keep me on the prowl for someone to supersave a thug. I really just need some hugs.

Hard as a cotton bAll. I never fought for me. But if you tried to hurt someone I loved I went in.

I guess I didn’t love my daughter enough at the time to fight the attacker that attacked me while she was in my belly.

But I love her now!

Let a hitta try me, try me!!

My family members are guards in the county. They’ll look out for me.

But nah. No jokes. For real. Ain’t nobody go time to be locked up and confined! 

So here I am. Overindulging. Eating too much. Good food, yuck food, any type of food has replaced my addictions of my past life. 
Addictions don’t die they seem to be replaced. 

I used to replace my addictions with exercise. But what happens when my body gives out on me. Then I’m eating.

I been eating. I been eating. Not drinking like 👑🐝!

So I’m looking at these celebs online who everyone has something to say about their weight gain. 

Matthew Perry. My favorite friend. Mariah Carey. Christina Aguilera. And the list goes on.

People love to talk about your demise and downfall. But are super quiet about your success.

I wonder if people compare themselves to others. 

Well my thighs are not that big. Even though your belly is larger. Well my neck doesn’t have as many rolls. No. But your back does.

Was that mean?

I’m sorry. 

Sometimes I can’t help myself.

I’m still a work in progress. Being delivered from unkindness. Working to speak the truth in a kind way.

Like for example. How do you tell a messy individual they are messy unless you say it out loud knowing they will hear, but not loud enough for anyone else To hear. Hoping they won’t carry the mess to tear your name down. But operate in love. Maybe that wasn’t loving. Maybe letting someone know their behavior is messy out loud and with a smile is better than a mumble.

Forgive me. I am still learning this operating in the real world with no phony or fake bones in my skeletal.

Anyway, The bible says that’s how Christs followers are known.

By love.

So here I am. My struggle. My body. Safety. In numbers. 

Not the numbers that push the scale up. But the number of people who are genuinely interested in my well being.

Someone said she was concerned about me. I’ve been missing in action. I believe she may have been. But why do we spend so much time speculating about people behind their back instead of showing genuine concern to their face. Asking why. Confrontation is not in the questions being asked, it’s in how the question is being asked!

I appreciated the genuine concern in my face. I hate the look of disdain that I know accompanies words being spoken behind my back.

So I eat. I won’t poison my body with the liquor anymore. And as soon as my body heals I go HARD in the gym. 

But I eat.

I am praying that one day soon I learn to eat to live and let go of my ties of living to eat!

And until then I’m loving my perfectly flawed self! 

  

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