My brother posted on his page something about being cut from a different cloth. 

I agreed. We are our fathers children.

Both of them. The heavenly and the natural.

What a blessing it was to be riding in my brothers car and hearing him speak of Royalty and why Jesus died for us. I would have never known!

But I do now and I am blessed to know I’m not alone fighting this fine fight. I got some blood that’s applying the blood of Christ too!

And then I’m talking to the man that was once the love of my life. And he asks me if I made it to the sunrise service.

Huh??

You were there??

But you….

And we…

Smh. Everyone’s changing these days!!! Praise God for that!!

See me. I used to be a sucker for love. I used to love love just based on the idea of it all. Mastering the art of love. Loving that life!

But then.

I overheard some women recently speaking about not having the desire to date. As I heard them speak of the challenges of single parent dating. The babysitters. The expectations. The etc. I found myself in full agreement. 

Look. I’ll kick it. If you my hitta. But all that extra is unnecessary. I’m tired. I don’t really know how to feel safe around men yet. Not my heart anyway. I’m still nervous to take the bandages off old wounds. For real. My stomach is getting flippity floppy as I’m typing.

I’m scared, yo.

I know. I once said I was fearless. But I guess this fear was repressed. It just came up Thursday.

I’m nice. Mostly. I’m used to gaming and hanging with the boys. Talking about which woman may be best for, and giving timely advice. I forget sometimes eligible bachelors aren’t safe around single women, and sometimes the ego would have you to believe a friendly conversation, or a Facebook like, or a bit of useful information sent via inbox, or a smile, or a hello, or a stare, or a glance means I want you. 

I was only staring at you as my mind wondered off to day dream land, I visit there quite often, thinking about what I am eating for dinner later on. Sorry my eyes landed on you. I was probably frowning thinking if an option that was possibly unfeasible.

See a little secret. Thirty pounds extra makes me look a little different, but I can remember days when men in baby blue bentleys stopped traffic for me. Or model like, with washboard physiques were what my options included.

I’m not so used to, or willing to settle for the choices in front of me when their egos, don’t even match their egos. All prideful, not loving God enough to humbly ask for humility. Don’t ask me how I know. Gifts come. Without repentance. But I do more of that these days than I used to.

So.

It’s not that I’m not that into YOU. It’s that I’m not that into anybody but my fascinating little girl who does not like sharing her mommy with anyone.

And I love to live to make sure she’s happy.

And I have a fear to overcome.

Intimacy with men.

See the last one I let in… Yeah I survived him. The next one, if he were to be like him, would surely to take me out because I’m just now getting my air back after having the wind knocked out of me. 

So I’m praying for discernment. Anyone can pretend to be. But only God knows what’s in the heart!!

So I’m careful these days. I judged his book by the cover. And even though he puts his hands on almost every woman he deals with, I’d have never guessed Mr. Charming himself would be that dude.

The shock might leave a woman afraid to be with a man again. Accusing each man she deals with of having those types of desires.

I’m just saying though.

For example. 

So here I am. All cut from a different cloth. Not willing to accept the unacceptable and any type of treatment from a man. 

And overcoming this fear of meeting the same man I made the poor choice of loving. And trying to accept the Grace of God to forgive myself for my ties with foolishness. Because I’m still meeting good guys. I just can’t get past this gateway that leads to feelings.

I don’t catch them. And they do. And I ask repeatedly that that stay out their feelings because all I want, need, can deal with now is a friend.

Even folk I used to be head over heels for respect that.

So. I used to be a sucker for love. Letting it hit me Tarzan and Jane style, club over head. Licks once designed to wound me, and keep me distracted from the fact that if I ever fall in love it really should be with someone who has taken the time to get to know me.

My favorites. My triumphs. My goals and my dreams. My unacceptable ties to life that would keep him from getting close to me. Because if I shut the door before one gets in, it’s shut for keeps. But once you in, male and female alike, it’s for life.

So. How many licks, like the owl on the tootsie roll commercial, to get to the center.

Of love.

I’m loving me. I’m not worrying about anybody. Enjoying life with my little lady. Only God knows. And we shall see.

All I know is, I’m obviously not built for everybody. But one day, God willing. A friend will come along and be there just to be that reminder that in life, those cut from that special cloth, can’t just settle for anybody!

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